I want to tell you about the time I jumped.
The time I became my biggest fear
And conquered.
I want to tell you of the white curtains that tried to sweep over my eyes, and
How I summoned that aguish

I want you to know
It wasn't made right straight away
Blood, screams, tears whirled first
In my face on my body,
A weight of dread coming from her mouth
Holding my arms down.

But then still.

A peace took residence in the air, creating an earthly dull hum
A constant murmur, hypnotising
The knots out of our backs
The beast in my stomach,
to surrender

I want to tell you
I felt safe,
But then I would not be credible to you
And my words could be dismissed.

Now, the truth spilled
Her tongue no longer licks my legs, purple
Nor do I  wake with my knuckles numb
I take what I have coming, happy and sad

Both, the vibrant beat
To my weaping heart

sometimes I lose sight of control,
lose sight of direction and feel suspended in abyss.
I'm in limbo but on my couch, on the carpet, writing, reading, scrolling, listening, but lost.

under bridges I'm walking on paper floorboards,
falling into darkness of a thousand words clogging my ears, eyes,
I'm stimulated to a ****** of broken lungs,
stunted dreams and desperate

When you kissed me, I lied.

I let you kiss me because I wanted someone to love me.  
I was selfish, I wanted to soothe my craving for attention, soft and kind love.

It’s because you’re warm and safe, I still do get the urge to trust you with love.
In fact you’re handsome while so insecure.

But I shouldn’t have kissed you, because I knew I didn’t want you but your aroma.
I chewed it and played with it to spare your feelings and to ebb my shame

but believe me, I’m happy to have made your acquaintance on that awful day that appeared on paper as perfect.
On the day when the last one I loved, introduced me to you

My stomach is tingling,
Appetite or illness?

Telepathic touch
It surfaces, before I notice myself asking.
In form and instinct he knows me,
But in origin, our intuition’s slacked.
I haven’t exposed my truths,
What I might’ve thrown out, could’ve  mislead.

Agony nudges gently;
You aren’t worthy of love she says
You’re repulsive.
You’re sinful.
You’re ***** and inedible
People try to help you but you don’t want to be helped.
Her tone is generous, attentive, loyal.

With these words I perish;
“Stop you’re melting me, aw God”
He kisses me and swoons onto my chest, smearing my body on the sheets.
The juncture of my withdrawal alights.

My blinkered eyes trudge the familiar trail, but then fixate,
-a penetrable route disguised.
take the tired track or trod the untrodden?
Perplexed in ponder I whisper in trance
Quiescent terrain ...quiescent terrain?

He’s snores as I lift my head from his belly
"...an amaurotic trial".
Squeeze. The soiled sack flattens against the lip of his favourite mug,
Adorned; those pungent, final drops.

The frisk evening air lifts my limbs and I wave as I always do.
Thanks for everything, as he always does,
Get home safe, as I always do.

Lingering or loitering,
I brace for his lips to flourish as his leg hooks the infamous green frame.
"I’ve been admiring your bike, I keep seeing it around"
Such sweet beginnings,
Such oblivion to an end.

He nods.
Farewell, and may we meet again in happier times?
Perhaps.

I step inside,
Retreating to what is known;
a path that has been walked before.

Mac Miller died yesterday
That’s the third artist to die under the age of 27 in the last 12 months.
What good is learning the ways of the world if you’re going to die at any minute?

Each artist had a way about them.
They all spoke something of intellectual awareness.
It worries me that these people who reached a level of artistic and human understanding,
Destinations that I aspire to reach,
**** themselves by indulgence of drugs.

Why do we still indulge in drugs when we’ve reached a point regarded as a peak?

Another evening where the hatred I feel for myself burns so hot my oesophagus hurts

Where did my mind go, when did I stop listening to my thoughts
I used to be romantic, wholesomely confident in my delicate existence

Now I’m terrified of it
That unless I grip tightly, I’ll evaporate from everyone’s lives whom I love

I am continuously getting overwhelmed.

If I stop and look, break down to myself the key factors of my life right now I calm down after a sometimes uncomfortable, emotional ******.
What is this?

Is it double faced as a good progressive thing that if I otherwise ignored would simmer beneath the surface and come out in explosions

I hate myself
I ******* hate myself
I’m grotesque, unlovable
A plunging centre with a broken frame

I have edges made of ice,
That are sharp to a lovers eye,
I’m touchable and untrue

But little do they know from first glance,
Eyeing my deadly ice brinks,
That an embrace of their ample warmth,
A hug of their soul,
Alas my sharpness can shrink.

Left is a pool of water bracing to be boiled,
Awaiting to be frozen again,
I find myself weakening to be loved, I announce,
Thou whom melt my blades here claim;
Enthroned!
Take comfort in my land of voluptuous edges,
The kindness and beauty within me spreads,
over their body with my trusting tongue.

But all it takes is a gust of cold wind,
A breath of cruel words,
A shrug, of unawares.

I hate myself I do,
As I freeze up sharp icicles anew

Hugged warm I can feel your fingers
I know you are there
I walk, accompanied
Your warm rocks,
Holding me down while my hair floats

Unraveled
I’m at peace
At one with you
My creator, the universe
I choose love, not hate
Courage over fear
Real skin real bones
I’m here

I don't know how I feel
My stomach nervous screams
I'm calm

My thoughts and feelings feel so far away
Out of reach
I try grab them summon them back
But my clawing fluster encourages blindness to grow

How do I feel
You've locked me away from my emotions
We can't see
Only you
Do this to them

Are they so awful they refuse reach ?
Or so sweet, another form
Of my bruised thighs, colliding head
Will I unlock my happiness
With this understanding
And so
It need be a challenge

Happy or sad
When you reach me
you wake me to both
Neither
Maybe I am in denial
I don't want to hate you
but I know I do
Desire's triumph and so
Prevention of realisation is
Numbing

FEEL FEEL ME FEEL SOMETHING
PLEASE

I know you'd grab me but
I don't know how I would respond
It's what I want not need
Or what I need not want
Which are you ?

W
  A
     I
       T  
         ing
Always waiting for your hands
To reach your tongue

So shine to me,
From your vibrant pulse of stars

And in the morning
Swallow me whole in your
Night sky eyes
And let them guide
Me home

I lose myself sometimes
I can go with being functional and free
My tongue un looping looped words and thoughts
Slowly
Softly

Then out of the blue blue blue I get a feeling of distress
I’m detached and disgraced
Ashamed of everything I’ve told
I shouldn’t have been so liberal
I shouldn’t have been so keen
To speak my mind and share my love
To anyone that came to me

I love and I lose
I fall into debris and crumble to the force of one’s hand

But on my good day
Oh my love on my good day I will love you
I will poise strong, your brace and keep you standing

But those days aren’t forever
And I wither
But wait with me and I will show you the meaning
Of passion itself derived from my entire self
Love will wait
Love is for us all

Her words caress my body
Unwanted and unwelcome I'm naked in a field of eyes
Her lips spread poison, slowly
dissolving my insides
And her tongue, licking my legs purple
I wake with my knuckles numb

I’m useless, when I have no feelings of romantic attraction I’m safe and my best self.
But once my heart feels a beat, I’m a loser to myself and I lose my charm
The charm which compels me to be free

I don’t like me, so why should they?
I project the exact opposite of what I know is good, in order to perhaps cast away.
Do I not want myself to be happy?
Is that too much of an emotion to behold?

I try relax and connect with myself again but it’s this effort of trying that initiates the polar opposite

I’m sexually aroused by people who mistreat me -or in further actuality- who I make uncomfortable, self conscious and ultimately- encourage hate.
I need to feel hatred to arouse my love

People who are good, and good with my good, who allow themselves to be transfixed and emotionally, loosely captivated, maybe terrify me.
I freak, I freak out but in a different way that doesn’t make me act on my ****** senses  
Instead I turn to self-depreciation

Nightmares. Real life scenarios, plays, perform in my mind when I sleep.
Sleep. Can I even call it so ?
When all I get is a restless night of battling consciousness with strangled dreams.
Awoke unsure,
Which my reality is beneath the rising sun
A future. Can I see it ? Or can I dream it ?
I'm most unsure whether I can live it.
People surround me, confronted by choice of country or course,
Why can't I have a less influential choice
I think about it, rational in my mind
Choosing of crisps or chilled white wine
I stand from foot to foot, the argument they both posses
Choosing neither, I wait in middle waters
Doing nothing, neither, none
Empty while combusting,
I am so full

And another one bites the dust,
I couldn’t stay prominent for someone yet again
He made me laugh
And gave me a feeling of life and purpose
to a fault

Once he dropped back from my heavy affection,
He drifted and wanted to see me less
I started to reconcile with panic
and shook when his name notified my screen
My ***** emotions were exposed
and thought they’d been rejected
But post trauma stirring beneath it’s surface, was the weight inflicting me.

Enough distance and a cut of all ties, was what it took to see
he didn’t mean anything; to me