i act like i’m heartless
to protect myself from the pain.
i pretend i don’t feel anything,
but every time i see you,
it’s like knives are entering my heart.
every word you say to me,
is tearing me apart.
leaving you broke me,
some might say i turned heartless,
but really,
i’m just using my heart less.

i tried to warn you to stay away,
from my poison and pain.
i tried to show you i’m toxic.
the brightest things in nature,
are the most poisonous,
and you’ve seen my hair.
it’s been every shade,
bright and vibrant.
so you can’t blame me for your hurt.

i haven’t slept much since i saw you last.
it’s hard to fall asleep
when i no longer have you watching over me.
our late night calls were my saving grace.
i was finally able to get enough rest.
but now i’m back at the start.
my nights are filled with sleeping pills that don’t work
and tears when i think of you.
i’d rather stay awake for ever,
than dream of what we could have had.

you don’t know how much it hurt
when i decided to let you go.
you deserve so much more than me
and i was just dragging you down.
you shouldn’t have to put up with me
and my endless problems.
when i said i couldn’t commit,
i was just giving you an out.
you don’t know how much it hurt,
when you said you weren’t.

my heart still hurts when i see you
2. i haven’t gotten over you
3. i am still hopelessly in love with you
4. there are so many things i wish i had told you
5. my mom still asks about you. sometimes it seems like she cares more about you than she does me
6. i am still in part one of my recovery, where i say i’m getting help, but every night i’m falling apart.
7. i wish i didn’t let my jealousy get in the way of us
8. i still think of you
9. i still love you
10. it’s always you

i want to delete,
all the messages we sent,
and all the pictures we took,
but i’m scared that once i do,
everything we had,
will turn out to be my imagination.
and i’m not ready to let go of what we had

i have started to feel like van gogh,
the paint is starting to look appetizing.
maybe when i finally die,
people will romanticize me like him.
maybe when i die,
people will idolize me like him.
but i’m not nearly as good at what i do.
we know him for a reason,
i’ll just be known
as the one who couldn’t make it