someone said that you die twice,
once when your soul leaves your body
and when someone speaks your name for the last time.
because of this,
i keep my name to myself.
when i die,
i never want someone to know my name.

i cannot love you,
i cannot even love myself.
i can’t expose the part of myself,
that holds my heart.
i cannot bring myself to care for another,
when i can’t care for myself.
i don’t want you to have to deal with me,
i don’t want to deal with me.
my heart was broken long ago
by a girl who cut all her hair off
and told me she loved me.
but when you love someone,
you’ll do anything for them,
and i couldn’t give her what she wanted.
so when i say i can’t love you,
it’s because my heart belongs to another.
i can’t love you
because i haven’t loved since her.

i can never be her,
so why did you say you want me.
i see the way you look at her.
she’s your entire world.
we would never work out.
i’m too ****** up.
we’d never have what you have with her.
you say you love me,
but all you think of is her.
you say that i’m the one for you,
but you spend all your time with her.
i can’t even admit that i like you,
and she’s given you her heart.
i’m sorry i can’t be what you need.
i’m sorry i can’t love you.
but i still don’t want you with her.
it’s selfish, i know.
but my heart beats for you.
i’ve become dependent on you.
ive completely fallen for you.
but she’s the one that you deserve.

Like a forgotten god, she walks alone.
As for her sins, she must atone.
She tastes ash in everything she eats,
blood in everything she drinks.  
And she walks alone.

Her stride is quick and confident.
Her mind is dark and incompetent.
When others look upon her,
they see nothing of her former self.
Dark, outgoing, mysterious,
All thoughts that pass.
And she walks alone.

Quiet and shakily, she tells her tales.
Nothing of substance is revealed.
She wears black like heavy armor,
attempting to shield herself from the world.
And she walks alone.

The mask upon her face is to protect,
shielding her emotions, as she is a wreck.
One she trusts, she shouts with glee,
“Jackson!” she calls
“Kendahl!” says he.

When one door closes, another opens,
But this room is made of glass.
All can see her suffering
But none shall pass.
And she is alone.

Her hair is an ever changing rainbow,
hues of pinks, reds, and blues.
With headphones in her ears
She acts as though she doesn’t hear,
the judgmental words of her peers.
And she walks alone.

If people were colors,
she would be black.
Strong, Rebellious, Dangerous.
She would be red.
Angry, Powerful, Passionate.
She would paint the walls with her colors.
But people aren’t colors.
People are pack animals.
And she is alone.

She haunts this world like a goddess from long ago.
Wandering from class to class,
A modern day zombie.
Her confident stride is filled with lies.
Her lack of fear is just a facade.
She is the monster in your closet.
She is the demon in your nightmares
And she is always alone.

Her legs twitch with anxiety.
Her hands shake with untapped potential.
Mind racing with every thought.
She carries herself like something old and lost.
And she walks alone.

Cut her open and you shall see.
The abandoned child that is beneath.
She chokes on the words she is unable to say.
Every “i love you” dies away.
What happens to the girl who seems strong?
She withers away until everything is gone.
But she is the rainbow.
Bloodstained and broken and still flying high.
But like everyone knows,
Icarus had to fly before he fell.

If life was a never ending winter,
our love would be the icicles.
Never melting and sharp as ever,
Ready to fall, but never reaching that point.

Then we would be together forever,
us two against the world.
A daring duo prepared to fight for love,
No one would see us apart.

But life goes through seasons
And you know what people will say
A pair of women bonded in this way,
And i can’t deal with the stares.

So let’s make the most of tonight
Cause we don’t know what happens in the morn
And my parents don’t approve of this life.
If they find out about this forbidden tryst
We won’t make it out of this.

I wish i could love you.
I wish i could spend my days thinking of you.
I wish that my heart would ache when you’re not around.
I wish that we could be together.

But i can’t love you.
And i spend my days thinking of death.
And my heart only aches when i get heartburn.
We just can’t be together.

You are too good for me.
You care about people.
You are nice and kind and good.
You deserve someone like you.

I am not good.
I don’t care about anyone but myself.
I am mean and cruel and unloveable.
I don’t deserve to feel loved.

I’m sorry that i can’t love you.
I’m sorry that i’m so twisted.
I’m sorry that I’m not good enough.
I’m sorry that i gave you a chance.

I don’t deserve someone like you.
You don’t deserve someone as ****** as me.
Everyone knows you belong with her.
And no one knows that i let you in.

So leave while you can,
Before you get too attached.
I can’t bring myself to let you go.
So take this chance.

Go be with the one you should.
Go love someone that will love you back.
Leave me here to rot.
Just go while you still can.

Maybe i could love you,
If i wasn’t so ******.
Maybe i could love you,
if i felt that i deserved love.

I’m going to **** myself soon.
And i don’t want you to feel that.
I’m going to be leaving soon,
And i don’t want you to regret what we had.

i am sick.
i don’t say that to get pity.
i say that because it is a fact.
my illness doesn’t allow me to sleep.
or eat.
or love.
my illness controls me.
i spend my days practicing a smile
at night, i fall apart.
i slice my skin and wish for death.
if i were to die, i wouldn’t be happy,
i just wouldn’t exist anymore.
my anger and sadness and hopelessness
would all cease to exist,
and i would finally be at peace.
suicide may be considered a sin,
but i am pagan.
my gods would accept my surrender.
but my mother would not.
nor would the rest of my loved ones.
but i am not them,
and i just want to die.
my illness is what causes this.
my illness is what keeps me sick.
and i am so sick.
i am just so sick.