Have you ever seen the look
someone gives you
when the get a peek of your darkness.
My Darkness is kept, deep,
this doesn't happen often.
But when it does,
it's enough to make me afraid of
Myself.

I listen to sad songs
because ordinary words don't feel the same.
I search for lyrics that summarise that feeling perfectly,
scratch the itch that can't be itched.
I'm jealous when they get it right in
ways I haven't been able to.

When you look in the mirror and don't like what you
See. They tell you that everyone's beautiful in their own
Way. But I don't want to pretty in my
Way. I want to be pretty in the way that
He likes. That they all like.
I want them to like me.
No one likes me.

I’m the girl who smiles.
The one you greets you with warm eyes,
Asks you how you are,
Hopes that you go far.

But my heart is heavy.
Weighted by the anger that I bottle.
There’s so much of it,
Too much.
I’m going to burst soon,
Very soon.
I’ll be the villain who used
To smile.

I crave anonymity.
In order to be able to say what I truly mean.
With no boundaries,
No judgement.
Because I truly, truly
Want to scream.

When did kindness become uncool?
Blunt and ‘honest’,  a disguise for rude?
It seems you’re proud of your
Hostility and animosity,
Proud of judgement and not forgiving.
You find it funny, entertaining.  
It's not your fault others are so
'Sensitive', they need tougher skin.

I think it’s sad,
I think it's miserable,
To see our understanding of ‘cool’,
Fall so far from the truth.

So, I finally got it.
I almost started thinking I was invincible.
Everyone was dropping like flies,
But I was still standing.
Well, look at me now.

Is it crazy to say that,
I’m kind of relieved?
My fatigue is now ‘legit’.
Need for a pause is ‘justified’.
Staying in my room is ‘government solicited quarantine’,
not hermit behaviour.

No doubt, when I first found out I cried, sobbed even.
I was to be cast out of society.
Now, I am keen to transform my bedroom into a disco floor, an art studio, a music booth, a cinema.
What else am I supposed to do for 10 days
locked in my room with Covid ?