When I picture you,
I picture a big, black, boot.
A force that squashes me when
I trip. That scrapes me off
Like a piece of gum. That
Pushes me off the pavement.

I trust that you mean that you love me.
I trust that you mean that you care.
It’s just that, your love doesn’t mean a great deal
For you are not burdened by longing or despair.
Your love, to me, is a like.
It’s not binding nor Shakespearean,
It’s soft, you find me a delight.
But you have never compared me to a summer’s day.
Nor have I heard a Sonnet grace your lips.
To you, Love is a casual declaration.
We are a ‘situation’
In which you find it appropriate, nay proper
To say I love you.

But you don’t mean to say it, I love you.
At best, your love is a like.

I feel suffocated by the world around me.
As though everyone I know
Has wrapped their hand around my
Throat. A chokehold of a thousand
grips. Every time I squirm,
The grip tightens. Every time
I beg for final release, they loosen
A tad. They won’t grant me
Mercy, an easy out.

So I'm stuck in chokehold.

He noticed that I hated avocados.
That I would push them to the
Edge of my plate of salad.
Every time I saw him he would ask, 

“Are you eating your avocados today?”
I would say, “maybe”.
Because, maybe they would taste better that day.

We played this game for 12 years.
On my 13th year I started to love avocados.
They became trendy.
I spread them on my toast,
They were the dip I loved the most!
But on my 13th year,
He wasn’t here
To ask about avocados.

I have this thing that happens to me,
That causes unexplainable fear.
It feels like a freudian uncanny.
It’s been happening for years,
Since I was a child.
It’s when my mind and body begin,
To move in slow motion, to lag.
In that moment, it feels as though I have surrendered
Ownership of my mind, of my body.

It’s utterly terrifying.

It seems as though you
Jump, at the opportunity to
Show me you hate me.
I sense truth in your jokes,
In your banter.
In the way you switch to oppose me
So so quickly.

I never thought you liked me.
I’m just searching for confirmation
Of it.

I love and loved you.
I tried to protect you
From all who wanted to hurt
You, I was there at
Every tear fall.
But you didn’t want me.
You didn’t want my love.

And now you call on what I
Had in such abundance.
But she’s gone,
She’s withered,
She’s cold, old,
Lost her bold nature.
She breathes no longer,
No warmth, no courage.
She was starved, died
Of a broken heart.

My Love has died.
What you seek is no longer here.
She’s not coming back soon, I fear.