It’s not that I care about him,
Or that I liked him, at all.
It’s just that,
When he didn’t love me,
He made me feel unlovable.

Every time you don’t laugh at my joke,
Every time you look through me,
Every time you don’t ask how I am,
Every time you don’t say hello,
Every time you’re here.
I feel invisible.

I’m grateful.
For your sacrifice.
For years spent at your desk,
Blood pressure high,
Trade pending.
For years spent providing,
Giving, and never spending.

But I wish you had spent,
Just a little more time
Present. Here with us.
Because at home, you were there,
Phone on. Trade still pending.

I wish we had conversations,
Not interrogations,
About life, about my day, about my opinions, or what I have to say.
About films, my interpretation,
About school, my life’s destination.

With you there is no in-between.
It’s figure of authority,
Or you begin to act like a teen.
Keen to make me uncomfortable.

Around you, I rarely feel comfortable.

I’m in paradise.
The sea is aquamarine, a beautiful blue.
The sky is clear, not a cloud in sight.
Birds chirping to a melody, they form a choir.
And yet,
I can’t seem to relax.
I can’t seem to enjoy myself.
I can’t seem to stop myself from crying.
Perhaps if the sea were murky and dark,
If the sky was cotton-filled,
If the birds were in dissonance,
I wouldn’t feel so guilty.

I feel socially awkward.
Everything I say checked twice
Then once again.
Was that weird?
Am I boring?
Was that rude?
Have I told this story ?

I feel uncomfortable,
Unable to be myself.
Myself is mediocre,
I am incompetent,
Me, a joke.
I’m beginning to choke
On words
I lack the confidence to deliver.

I feel helpless,
I’m searching for compassion or mercy.
I tried to impress,
I tried to be flirty.
It didn’t work, obviously,
Or I wouldn’t be here in this state of worry.
I wouldn’t be here.

Right now,
I wish I wasn’t here.

I checked your Spotify to see if you’ve listened to heartbreak songs.
Maybe you even created a playlist of your own.
Is it titled with my name,
Or are you too ashamed to admit
I hurt you.

I guess I just need to know you’re hurting
like I am.

I’m aware it’s my fault we’re here.
I led you on, I broke your heart.

But I hate you for making me hate myself.
I hate you for reminding me of everything I lost.
I hate you for making me miss the way you made me feel.

I miss you,
I don’t hate you at all.