I long so despitely for my independence!
I long for the day I no longer have to ask for favors, financial support, EVERYTHING!
Nothing kills my soul more then having to depend on someone else.
Having to ask for permission from someone else.
Having to wait for someone else.
When will this process end??
The process of getting on your feet and manifesting into the person you see in your dreams.
I JUST WANT TO BE THE WOMEN I SEE IN MY DREAMS!
WHEN WILL SHE BE?

To my next one i apoligize for all the pain i may cause,
For your heart i may destroy,
For your feelings i may hurt and may not even adore.
U just gotta kno theres this pain deep inside, one i cant endure.
So when i hurt you im sorry, i know ive apoligized before.
But this pain you must endure so i can be sure that ur not like the rest, like i said im sorry...i am.

Ive been so used to the storms,
To the rain, and thunder, the hail and sorrow, it is all to familar to me.
Ive been so used to the storms,
That when its sunny out, its queer to me.
I am so used to the storms,
That ive allowed most happy moments slip away from me.

My intuition screams that a storm coming, but i dont think i can survive it this time.

The love i have for him is so unspeakable,
Its so special,
So heartfelt,
So warm...but ****, loving him is killing me.
When im with him everything is so right, perfect and in place,
But as soon as we part everything shatters.
My mind has this habit of thinking anytime he is not with me he is with someone else.
After all he did cheat right.
How can i train my mind to think how it used to.
To not think that every other moment he is entertaing someone else.
I didnt know his mistakes from the past would affect me so much.
I didnt know it could hurt this bad.
This feeling of uncertainty aches like no other.
Im in love with someone who has bad habits, and it scares me but i cant let go.
I thought love meant hanging in there until things get better.
I thought it was two imperfect people who even though had flaws saw the best in each other.
Thats why i hold on because i see the better side of him...
But how long can i keep holding on...im scared.
I cant deal with anymore heartbreak.
Ive felt enough

My mind is starting to drift again,
To memeories unwanted,
To feelings of uncertainty.

My mind is starting to drift again,
To this place of torment,
Somewhere i thought a few days apart would somewhat heal.

But here i am dwelling in this uncertainty, this unknowing sense.
I thought a few days apart would heal me.
But my mind is starting to drift again,
And i realize this is something that cant be healed in a few days.

This **** is something much deeper.
I miss my free mind.
I miss my happy thoughts.
I miss the feeling of security.
I miss the old me.

I just want to be free again!
But how can i be free with something i cant let go.
I JUST CANT ******* LET GO!!

Dear First Love,
       With all my heart, i can truly say i love you. U will never know how much you mean to me. You have made me smile, and you have made me cry, but through it all my love never died. I never knew i would fall so hard, but i will say i dont regret it at all. Ive grown to love everything about you. From your curly hair, to ur freckles, to the tip of your toes. You've impacted my life in so many ways. I dont know if you know how much i appreciate you. Thanks for all the times i needed you, and you were actually there. Thanks for pushing me to go get my permit, giving me the hope that a job would finally come my way and being there when i needed to vent on some tough times i was going through. I couldnt ask for anything more. I hope i did my job in being there for you when you needed me. I tried my best in being perfect just for you. First love, just know together or not i will always love you, and every moment your thinking of me, im thinking of you too. Our realationship has been tough. Really tough i might add. But its brought me so much happiness in spite of all the crazy drama. Theres memories weve made that i will never forget (smiling while writing). My favorite memory was the first time i really started to like you. Sitting in the car holding hands just listening to music. You creeped your little self into my heart that day. Ever since ive never been able to go a day without thinking of you. Remember when we used to go ice skating, or when we raced at mcdonalds, or when we used to write poetry about each other all the time. Lol. I swear we communicated better through poetry then words back then. I always understood you more though your poems. Another memory i can never forget was December 25th. Great day. First the present with all the wrapping paper then the movies. Then you asked me to be your girlfiend. I was so shocked i couldnt believe it. I swear that was the happiest day for me.I remember my exact feeling. I remember thinking to myself woow, hes really mines now, all ive ever wanted, the guy ive always wanted to be with, i loved you then and there, just couldnt say the words. We hadnt gotten to that stage yet. But there came a day i knew with every inch of my body that i was in love with you. I couldnt help it. You were just perfect to me even through your wrong doing. I fell in love with the Eric that loved to hug and hold me, the one that knew i was what he wanted so faught for me, the guy that tried to make things better right after he messed up. That was my first love. The Eric that tried. Im just waiting for him to come back. I miss him so much. I havent seen him for a while but i know hes still there. I hope one day, when your ready for love the right way, that i will still be there. Ill be waiting for now. Ive always had hope in us. We still have more memories to create, prom, dances, ocean city, maybe paris lol. I cant wait and i hope that we one day comeback to enjoy those days together. But for now. I must let you go, because my heart is hurting and i dont know how much more i can take. Ill always be there for you first love, i promise, i just hope one day youll be ready for me and my love.  I love you so much Eric Martin! Your my heart.

Sincerly Mariah

P.S. forever my little freckleface

Sometimes i stare in the mirror,
looking back at myself wondering how i got here,
how i could have changed so much.

I dont see myself as i was before.

Before when i gazed at my reflection i saw someone strong, someone smart, someone ready for love, a healed itellegent woman.

But in this moment as i look in my reflection i see tired eyes, weighed down by waiting tears.
I see someone hurt, someone intellegent yet naive.
I see sorrow and pain, guilt, and insecurity.
I was once happy, lonely and not in love, but somewhat happy, happy and ready for the future.

Now im here, stuck in the present, ashamed of my recent past, and doutbful of the future.

Now a days im not so cheerful, im not so happy, and im not so optimistic.

Its crazy what love can do to you, and its crazy what someone you love can turn you into.

My soul is sufficated by doubtful love.
My mind and my heart ache from lies and broken promises.

I thought being in love meant changing you for the better, not breaking you down for the worst.
I thought love was different.
All i can say now is .  .  .


look what its done to me.

So sick of everybodys ****,
Everyone has their own issues and no ones complacent.
Everyones steady complaining.
Everyones steady misleading.
Everyones doing their own dirt and cheating.
Just waitin for someone to take me from this disaster, help me heal, and no longer let my heart shatter.
Im sick of this ****,
To much to deal with,
Sometimes i wanna just take these pills and float off to bliss.

Its nights like this when i remember why i wanted to leave,
I was bein lied to walked over and decieved.
I fight back tears, wondering why i still stay, mad at myself for allowing you to make me this way.
Trust being my main struggle, heart broke, brain confused, thoughts jumbled.
Prayin that this pain will end and my heart finally mended.
My happiness is steady pending...

As i think about things in my head, i feel tears well up.
But then i think to myself "im so tired of crying over him"
So i **** them in and grow numb.

When i decide to leave dont ask me why.
When i leave you, know its because of your lies.
The way you disrepect me when im not in your presence.
Know its because you continue to to betray my trust after every encounter of you regaining it.
Know its because im tired of crying over a man that is supposed to love me.
Know its because of your miscommuncation.
When i finally decide to leave you dont ask me why, just know that it was because got tired, tired of trying to be enough, tired of trying to show you that im worthy of your honesty.

Why is your skin so soft?
Why is your skin so soft that i cant stand not to carress you, to kiss you, to hold you.
Why is ur skin so soft that every time i place my lips upon you, as i pull away i feel my addiction on the tip of my lips.
Your skin is like velvet, so perfect.
Your such an addiction to me. Oh, how i love to hold you.
To feel your skin rubbing against my face.
What an addiction you are, what an addiction.

As i weep these tear my heart is longing.
Longing for more love,
Longing for more caring,
Longing for more understanding,
Longing for truth.
My heart cracks from the pain i feel in my body.
This pain of wanting to be loved, of wanting to be needed and wanted.
This pain is devastating to my spirt.

My mother always said "dont ever let anyone break you down and steal your happiness."

But how is that so when another human being makes you happy and when you see betrayal every inch of happiness is ****** away from you soul.

All i long for is love, the kind of love i bestow on others.

Where is my love?
All i want is love.!

My ex kinda reminds me of my dad.
Their so ****** similiar, in my head i think its sad.
Two playas in the past tryin to change for their women.
But behind their backs they doin dirt and steady sinnin.
Not knowin what they have, ****** around with the past,
Cant give up their old ways, its to much to ask.
Cant give up the women, they need more then one.
Cant stick to commitment, one day and they done.
Playin with our heart, thinkin its fun.

****** over a bunch of girls, now they all cautious,
Duckin and dodgein when they see a chick they called it off with.
Miserable in their sleep dreamin of women huntin for revenge,
Rethinkin in their heads its time to trade the playa card in.
To bad thats not enough,
Next day that **** is dust,
Hiding stuff in they phone wonderin why we dont trust.

Your right next to me but i feel so distant from u, im writing all my thoughts down instead of talkin to you about them. I want to but youll only think im insecure and annoying. So ill just do what i normally do and just deal with it on my own.
From the inside. I love you so i rather not start any problems.

Why am i even here when ur not ready to fully give me ur heart, when i have fully given u mines. Ur still wounded and im still trying to heal from ur past mistakes. Were both not ready. I just wish u were. Thats all i really need .... is for you to be ready

I dont feel like im supposed to be here...at least not right now. I feel misplaced. As always tho. Im sorry.

I know you love me, but i always feel like i came as such a bad time that all i want to do it walk away. But i cant face loseing you when your all that i love.

When i go to your page, it ***** not knowing if those pictures are about me or her, id love to say me...but they all dont match up to our situation so... I guess ill fall back, and act as if i dont care. U dont really want me anyways right. I know. No need to explain.

I hope we work out this time around, because i cant deal with anymore heartache.

I sob and cry as i smile thinking of me and you.
How far weve come, how much weve done and all of our memories too.
How much youve changed, how proud i am to see what youve become.
I waited for this day, the day that id finally see the change in my #1.
The time is here, its finally near that u are who you promised youd be so many months before.
The loving one, the faithful, the one that i adore.
Im so proud of you babe, i couldnt ask for more.
Keep doing what your doing itll all work out for the best.
Me & You forever, together till the end.
Weve made it past the storm, i feel no more wind.
I finally feel free to love you with no one else in the way.
Our love is true & pure and thats how it will stay.

Sometimes, when I sit back and think about how much I love you, I almost always cry.
I never thought I could love someone, even after being hurt...
I never thought I could love you like this.

I think your the one, at least I hope.
Couldn't imagine my future with anyone else.
I love you!

No one will ever fully understand me..
Because no one knows my story.

You make rash decisions to make me feel better..
Out of guilt
But it doesn't make me happy..
Only more disappointed..

Why?
Because you wait, you wait until  I am unhappy to make me happy,
Instead of doin it when I'm happy.

I don't want ur guilt, and I don't want you remorse.
I want your heart, and I want your loyalty.

I have never been so unhappy,
So deprived of security.
My happy thoughts quickly turn sour.
My unhappy thoughts quickly pump into my head.

Why can't I just be happy, whats wrong with me?
Someone please just tell me...what's wrong with me?

Before we departed I felt the connection,
I felt his love present.
It was the best feeling in the world.
He picked me up and kissed me on my neck.
He asked me for a kiss and as I leaned in I felt that connection,
That CLICK.

Ahhhh is this what love feels like?

I know that you are a busy boy,
But I also know that you are not that **** busy.
So please enlighten me on what your really busy doing.

You see it makes no sense to me that you can be gone for so long, and not even check in.
I sound like I'm all up under you, but truth is my trust for you is gone.
It's needs saving,
It needs repairing.
But my trust will never EVER be repaired if you don't take the problem out of our relationship.

This problem is so toxic,
But yet you want me to be ok with it still sticking around.
NO! It will never be ok, and the sooner you learn that,
the sooner we can move forward.

Unless you want to stay stuck that is..because that seems to be your memo.

You know its something they say about that gut feeling,
That gut feeling that's always right,
That gut feeling that tells you something's wrong.

The gut never lies.
But sometimes, just sometimes. . .

You wish your gut was WRONG for once.
Just this time.

When we were apart I tried so hard to be happy,
Every photo I took I plastered a fake smile on my face.

Behind that smile was so much pain, so much hurt, so much confusion.
But when we came back I no longer had to fake a smile.
My smile was real again.

Literally seems like there is always someone that is in between me and my happines.

I can never just be happy,
And it will never last for a long period of time.

My happiness is continuously temporary,
Always someone or somethin in the way...

ALWAYS.

Sometimes I sit and think to myself, why am I putting myself through this.
When I can almost feel the ending.

Why do we continuously tell ourselves how tired we are of being hurt,
But we blind ourselves to the lies we know to be untrue,
The lies that cause our pain.

It's foolish if you ask me..






I guess I'm foolish

My mind tells me your no different,
My heart tells me you've changed,
My mom says your a waste of time,
But through it all I stay.

I stay because I love you,
I gave you a second chance because  I believe in you,
But have you changed or have you just disguised your true being..

When ur not around at night my mind is clear while my heart is hurting from your absence.

Are you out deceiving me or being a better you for me?

You
Make
Me
Insecure
By
The
Games
You
Play
With
My
Mind

phone buzzes*
It's a text from him..
It reads "you miss me", I ask where he was and he says "with the peoples."

My internal reaction:

My heart drops,
My mind stops,
Tears fall from my eyes.

My brain starts to think,
My heart shuts down,
Because they are always disconnected.

Did I miss you? Of course.
Did you miss me? I bet not

Were you really with your peoples,
Or were you out misleading me again.

Tell me the truth..I can't deal with the deceiving again.

Hours have passed and I'm just now hearing from you,
You tell me one thing but your past actions make your story so unbelievable boo

As I wait here, visions of the unbearable continuously cross my mind.
As I wait here, my phone does not ring and I hear no answer back from you.
Tears muster in the corners of my eyes...
Where are you?
Did I lose you again?
Are you with someone else?

My mind races as I imagine you giving your time to someone else,
Making someone else smile, laugh and giggle.
My heart sinks as I imagine you hugging someone else, even placing your sweet lips upon their's.

These unbearable thoughts devastate me everyday.
Every moment they haunt me, like a shadow at night.
My confidece of our love grows smaller whenever these visions play out in my head.
I wish for them to stop and to be put to rest ....

But
As I wait here, visions of the unbearable continuously cross my mind.
As I wait here, my phone does not ring and I hear no answer back from you.
Tears muster in the corners of my eyes...
Where are you?
Did I lose you again?
Are you with someone else?

Are you ready for this?
Are you ready for us?
Are you ready for love?
Are you ready for trust?

If your not, please let me know,
Because i cant take anymore heartbreak from the one i love.

See that all you need is in front of you,
No more, big mistakes and messy situations.

Get it together,
Be honest and straight...
Im so serious this time no need to comtemplate.

If i see no change, be happy you had a second chance
But know that you have no more becauase that was your last.

So if your not ready and we have to end , never forget me, always love me, and know that you will always have a piece of my heart within.

So tell me...you READY or NOT?

You are my weakness...
You are the weakness that disconnects my heart from my mind
You throw doubt in my face but I ignore it
You tell me lies, but I believe them.

Every word you say is magic to my ears,
Even when it seems to good to be true.
You are my downfall.
The downfall that I know may break my heart,
But I'm willing to see it through.

You are the weakness that makes me doubt my own intuition.
How did I allow you to gain so much control over my mind?
What did you do to me?
Why are you my weakness?
Why do I believe you so much when your actions tell me different?
All the answers are right in my face
Why do i choose to blind myself from your lies?


......because you are my weakness,
You are the weakness that disconnects my heart from my mind.