****.

the guilt
that inevitably
tosses me into
the air
catches me in it's jaws
and swallows me whole
has just entered
the scene
that **** uncle kracker song
is kicking my brain
repeatedly
hard enough
to feel the pangs
in my chest
*******
why can't i ever
do something
and feel nothing
or at least feel
jubilant
why must i always feel
guilty
why must i always
revisit
something that hurt me
a papoose
will touch fire
get burned
and learn
not to return
i guess i am
too ignorant
to even be
a papoose
or maybe getting burned
doesn't hurt as much
as it should
i've been hurt by bigger things
my capacity for pain
is off the charts
is it my fault
that i've been built
on a foundation
of broken hearts

i must stop falling in love
with boys who write poems.
they love a love that's lost
they love a love that is misery
they love the cuts on my arms.
they only want
a sad-eyed muse
and i cannot be sad
all the time

i really
don't
like
watching
scary
movies.

...and yet you make me.

well, i guess you don't really
"make me"...
you just look at me
with those eyes
that beg me
to stay up with you
be with you
hold you
and i can't
resist.
you're like a kicked puppy
or something.

those movies scare the
****
outta me
but you watch my every move
every expression
you yell at me
if i don't seem to be responding
enough
you poke me
tease me
cuddle me
love me
for watching the ******* movie.
and
i
guess
i
love
you
too.

(first of all
i'd like to inform you of the fact
that my mother didn't die
in an unfortunate way
although everything about her departure
was unfortunate
and before it's time
she didn't die of breast cancer
or in a car accident
or whatever
no,
she's one of the few
rare
breeds
that this earth has been blessed with...
she's one of the mothers
that
leave)

1. if you don't have a mom
you probably have come to the realization
that you are never going to have nice socks
or even clean ones
ever again

2. you probably don't eat a lot
if your mother was
the cooking type
you probably eat mostly
hungryman's
and hot pockets
also
you'll probably die
a premature death
because of it

3. if you don't have a mom
you will be suddenly aware of all the **** you leave
lying around
for like
months
and never touch
until you break your
******* face on it

4. you probably have discovered
that talking to your dad
about boys
usually isn't a good idea
it gives him
the strange urge
to grease up his
shotgun
make sure that's all
in fine working order
sit on porches
waiting
also
give total
crap advice
about all of it

5. if your mother has left you
you've probably realized
that you're looking for a new one
that suddenly
your friend's mom
takes over where she left off
like some sick network
but it's not really sick
sometimes it's kind of nice
you get soup an' ****
and those awkward
bonecrushing
usually choking
mom hugs

6. your dad
has probably tried learning to cook
he's probably almost
killed you
more times
than you can count
on two hands
but every once in a while
he hits gold
on total accident

7. if you're a motherless child
you probably do your own laundry
or wear the same clothes
for four months
until you drag
your sorry ***
to the laundry mat

8. if you're a motherless child
you've probably pondered the fact
that you sorta wanted both your parents at your future wedding
but you'd tell mom to *******
at the drop of a hat

9. if your mom left you
rather unconventionally
(thanks, 1960's. didn't do **** for me)
you probably
pretend a lot:
pretend to be ok with her
pretend to want to tell her about your life
painfully
so she can tell
all the million other single moms
who left their husbands
(sometimes for good reason)
that her kid is smart
although she hates your guts
oh well
it's the thought that counts
(wait...)

10. if your mom has abandoned you
you've probably sobbed a lot
hit a lot of walls
slammed a lot of doors
kicked a lot of ******* bookshelves
pounded floors
stifled screams into pillows
tossed
turned
flailed
plugged your ears
slit your arms
open
bit your fingernails
blamed it on your dad
once or twice
smashed your head onto hard stuff
trying to forget
that feeling
of wholeness
spent a lot of time
thinking
about home
and how it used to be
and then cut some more
if your mom has left you
robbed you
broken you
lied to you
spit on you
smacked you
discredited you
then you're probably
a lot like

me


oh

and the secret is

you don't survive

sometimes i feel bad
for writing poetry in class
but then i think....
....**** it.