Just breathe,
You don’t cry in front of people,
You know that.
It’s not that bad

Why are they all so mad…
You don’t get why they’re so mean
You get that he ******* up
You get that, trust me
But when you forgave him
You expected them to do so too
But they didn’t
And to make matters worse
They’re mad at you for being forgiving

And it’s not even up to them, **** it
So why should you care
Crying isn’t necessary
And you’re fine
Nothing is really wrong
Your suppose to be friends are just
Being jerks to you and him
Nothing is wrong
You're fine

Just breathe
You don’t cry in front of people
You know that.
And you’re not going to today

There is something I want to get off my chest
But I can’t
Because if I admit that it is affecting me
I’ll stop holding strong
I’m not hurting
It’s just on my mind
And I’m worried that if I start to talk about it
I’ll start to feel hurt
And so I’d like to save myself from feeling more sad
But keeping it inside is equally painful

I am that crazy person that you saw drive past your street seven times in the past ten minutes
I don’t know where I’m going
Not in the car
Not in my future
It’s like no one put up street signs
And I end up crashing into a light post
Or fire hydrant
Or literally anything straight ahead of my vehicle
And then you see me start to completely lose it
Tears streaming down my eyes
Because of course this had to happen
And specifically to me
And everything is going wrong
So of course I ran in to the seven year old’s dog
Right in front of her
On her birthday
With all her little friends watching
Just after I got off the phone with my mom
Who said my grandma was dying
And also after a morning
That was impossible for me to get out of bed
I was that sad
And I was on my way to who knows where
To do who knows what
That would probably make my depression and anxiety even worse
Of course this had to happen
I don’t know where I am going anymore
I thought I did
But I don’t
It’s basically like I don’t even have a license to drive my own life
So how am I supposed to get there?

I love looking at your profile
Your jaw
Your eyes
You hair
And I’m stuck in a trance
Of observing your cuteness
While biting my lip
From hesitation
Fighting the urge to kiss you
Until you look over
Noticing that I’m watching
And smile
...It makes it even better.

From twelve o’clock this morning
I’ve had the worst of days
I laid in bed thinking
Staring at the ceiling
Thinking about how my eyes weren’t heavy yet
My body was not tired
And all I felt was sick

By one o’clock I threw up twice
But I’m almost certain
I am not sick
All I could do was think
All I could do was think
In circles and loops and swerves

By two o’clock
I was crying
I just wanted to fall asleep
I wanted to be tired again
Feel the sleep press on my eyes
But somehow my body’s signals for homeostasis
Got broken
They aren’t working quite right at the moment

By three o’clock sleep finally came
Finally, finally, finally came
I dreamed of random things
Things that I did not like
Things that made me miss the old me
Naive me
Happy me

By four o’clock I woke up again
And everything was wrong
I walked to the bathroom
Stood facing the mirror to see tears streaking down to my chin
And everything was wrong
My hair
My eyes
Arms and legs
And I saw the outfit
I picked out yesterday
So pretty and comfortable
But right then
It was wrong
I hated it
I hated everything
I hated myself
And everything I stood for
I picked out something else
Something that didn’t make me feel
So… mad
And I parted my hair different
Because the way it was
Was awful
And I hated it
So I changed
I was so mad

By five o’clock
I realized
That sleep was
As good as a dream
So I sat staring
More staring
At nothing but shaded ceiling

By six o’clock I had thirty minutes left
The seconds felt like infinities

By seven I forced myself to get out of bed
Trying to make it a better day
But I still hated everything and to make matters worse
I had to figure out a way
To smile through the day
It was rough

And I’m still waiting for it to get better.

I think I might be insane
That, or I just need a new brain
‘Cause the screaming won’t stop
And it keeps getting louder
I can rarely hush them
And I’m not sure when the screaming from my family
Started screaming in my head
But now there’s only screaming
Everywhere I turn
And I’m not sure if it’s just my brain
But I’m pretty sure I’ve gone insane

I have carved into my skin
Like prisoners carve the tally marks of their days left in jail
We’re all counting down to something, just in different ways