I have carved into my skin
Like prisoners carve the tally marks of their days left in jail
We’re all counting down to something, just in different ways

Last time I cried
My chest tightened so much
That my breathing
Was off
Or more accurately
Air would not come
And I was shaking
I was sitting in my dark room
Crying silently
While shaking violently
And I couldn’t breathe
My heart was racing
And my mind pacing
Running through thoughts
Of death and failure

I don’t understand how I descend so quick.

December twelfth
Is coming up fast
And I don’t think I’m ready

I can’t believe it’s been this long
Two full years
Without you

I can already tell
My mood will drop down
Because of the way things have been here of late

Every spare second of thoughts I have
That aren’t going toward loving my boyfriend or studying or hating myself
I’m thinking of you

I miss you
So much, you have no clue
And I’m tired of having Christmas without you

You know you’re a nerd
When you have your arms wrapped around his neck
And his mouth just inches away
Staring into each other’s eyes
And he says
‘I love you’
And you reply
With the best love quote
Known to nerd-kind
‘I know’

Band aids
Protected my wounds
After I made those wounds to feel

Band aids
Hid the pain away
After I got too scared of looking at the scars

Band aids
Clotted the blood
After it dripped from my open skin to the tile floor

Band aids
Covered the cuts
After the blade was put away

Band aids
Invisible to the open eye
After I hid them in the scarcely seen places

Band aids
Held me together
After I tried to tear myself apart

I asked myself to this day
Weather or not I would be the same
If they just stayed together, if they just didn’t split.
I had thought things would get better, that nothing would ever change
But that was wrong
and the longer I care
the more I drown in my salty lake of tears
That’s hidden under my bed from the world who thinks I’m smiling.

I wonder to this day
If only they let me watch as he moved away
Instead of sending us to naptime
And let us wake up to change.
Seeing him a reck and her in joy made me feel broken too
And the longer I care
The more I drown in my salty lake of tears
That’s hidden under my bed from the world who thinks I’m smiling.

I question to this day
If my mom told truth to us or lied to us to get agreement.
She said we were a packaged deal, he’d love us all the same,
Was I just a gullible four year old then
Or was it a truth that changed, I don’t know
But the longer I care
The more I drown in my salty lake of tears
That’s hidden under my bed from the world who thinks I’m smiling.

I worry to this day
If I’d ever get phased out
If one McKay was an up roar
What would the rest be like?
Only the three of us left and we all feel left so lonely and cold
But the longer I care
The more I drown in my salty lake of tears
That’s hidden under my bed from the world who thinks I’m smiling.

I still feel the pain, the morn, and the scrutiny to this day
Even after 10 years have past
Anxiety rules me
Making fear overstay its welcome
Making me care
And pushing my head beneath my salty lake of tears.
That’s hidden under my bed from the world who thinks I’m smiling.


I noticed to this day
That if I don’t care
I won’t feel the pain, the fear, the insane
The triggers might go away
And why these things won’t just go away, I  really do not know.
I do know that the path I took had a lot of broken trees and dying flowers,
And I know that I’m tired of drowning over and over in my salty lake of tears
That’s hidden under my bed from the world who thinks I’m smiling.

But I can’t stop caring
so I continue to drown.
I can’t tell you why, simply because I don’t know myself.
But I think the world thinks I’m smiling because I let them,
Not because they don’t want to read the rest of this boring, dusty book,
But because I put a lock on it and hid the key.
So I care, and care
Until I am submerged by my salty lake of tears,
That’s hidden under my bed from the world who I let think I’m smiling

I’ve known Belle Fourche.
I’ve known a river with a fork in its route and
old style throughout the town.
Upset into tranquil flickering on and off like a light switch.
I ride the horses as far as I can
when yet another fight breaks out.
I do ranch chores and water gun fights.
I looked through the brush to find the old hide out broken from the wind.
I hear wheat and alfalfa russell
when the wild kittens run from Scotchy.
I’ve known Beautiful Fork,
Its streets full of old gossip as people come and go.
I know its old problems and stories, but can’t make my own.