I am not you
I refuse to be
Which in the end is giving you what you want

Because you expect me to be a mess up like you
I refuse to be
And so I’m not
Which you wanted me not to be
So there you go

Because you expect me to be just like my other parent
I refuse to be
And so I’m not
Which you both are happy about
So there you go

Because you expect me to fail just like the my prior siblings
I refuse to
And so I don’t
Which you wanted me not to do
So there you go

And I know I’m playing right into your hands
It soothes my mind to know
That I am not what you expect of me
Even if it leaves me in tears
Just to prove you wrong
I
   Refuse
     To be
   What you
    Say I am

I noticed my heart was stained with some ink
So I threw it in the washer
Without reading the label
Which said
‘One time use only’

Someone else
Who?, I’m not sure,
Threw it in the dryer
Of which I did not know

So when I took it out
To my dismay
It was shredded to pieces
And the stain was still there.

There is a difference
Between distance
And being alone

Distance is taking me farther away
Taking me on journeys to find new treasure each day
That will maybe make me happy again

I don’t have to travel to be alone
And each day I find that the loneliness has grown
It’s not something I need to go searching for

Distance is an excuse
So your worry and my pain can make a truce
And to keep me farther from the things that might actually help

Being alone is a problem
Keeping my emotions solemn
Even as people are holding my hand as we walk this path

Distance has long car rides
And self hating tour guides
And things to distract me from homesickness

Distance is melodious
It allows me to run from the loneliness
...Only to find more alone

Trust me when I say, there’s a difference
Between distance
And being alone

I AM A MAJOR NERD
I can’t help it
I’m sorry
I just find that fantasy is better than reality
So any chance that I get to pretend for a moment that I’m in a better world
Through conversation
Or reading
Or debating
Or writing
I am going to take it
Because this world is too much

I want to cry on your shoulder
Because you are the one person
I know would be okay with me crying
I grew up from a young age
Told that I’m not supposed to cry
I think my mom just meant
I was crying over something stupid
But this sentence came up
Time and time again
So I figure it to mean
That I’m not allowed to cry
And around my friends
I rarely cry
Because they expect me to be stone
They expect me to always be okay for them
And I don’t like it when I cry to myself
Because I feel tired of being a pity party
So the only option I have left
Is say I am tired
Because if I yawn enough
And pretend that my water filled eyes
Are just heavy from lack of sleep
I might forget that I want to cry
Because I can’t cry anymore
So you ask me if I’m okay
I tend to reply
‘Yeah, just tired’

In seconds
I go from
Happy
To okay
To sad

This was my secret
Not yours to tell
This is the whole reason
I didn’t plan to tell you until later
I wanted to tell brother before you
But somehow it came up in conversation
And now you think
You have the authority to tell whoever you want
It’s my secret
Not yours to tell
But now you have
And you are acting like
Super Pride Sister
Because of my secret
This is so like you
To make everything about you
For your reputation
It’s my secret
Not yours to tell
And I wasn’t planning on telling you
Because I’m not even sure if I approve of it myself
How is it fair
That my secret
Is about you
It’s my secret
Not yours to tell