I’m still waiting
To fall apart
I thought I did a long time ago
But it turns out
I was just cracked
But now I feel like the cracks are splitting open
And at any moment
I could break
Shatter
Crash

I’m still waiting
For everyone to leave
Finally realizing that I’m not worth anything
I’m at the edge of my seat
Because a few
Have already trickled away
And at any moment
I could break
Shatter
Crash

I’m still waiting
Feeling unready
For everything sure to come
And so I sit and think
About the day
That the ‘at any moment’
Becomes a ‘this moment’
And I break
Shatter
Crash

‘Let go of the little distractions,
hold close to the ones that you love,
because we won’t all be here this time next year,
so while you can, take a picture of us.’

-Frank Turner

When I look at this picture right now
I see all my friends
Enjoying some Dairy Queen ice cream
Our eyes are alive
Our smiles are bright
And laughter can be heard through the frame
I remember not wanting to go
I never hang out with my friends
At least not outside school hours
And that night had been rough
And disappointing
But now I thank my mom for forcing me to be social
For one night of my life
Because that was one of the best nights of my childhood

When I look at this picture
Fifty years from now
I will see all my friends
Enjoying some Dairy Queen ice cream
Our eyes are alive
Our smiles are bright
And laughter can be heard through the frame
And I will miss all the friends
Who have left
And who I lost touch with years before
And I will wish to see those eyes in person
To see those smiles shine in my direction
To hear the real laugh escape from their lips
This picture will mean the world to me

Has anyone ever thought about death
Like, really really
Because I refuse to believe that it’s just empty nothingness
Because empty nothingness *****
And I refuse to believe that it is just a deep sleep with dreams
Because sometimes dreams turn into nightmares
And I wouldn’t be able to wake up
That’s not fair
I hope death is more than the ultimate black
Because that means that all the pain I’ve gone through
Was for nothing
And that’s some major BS
Because I’ve been through a lot

I don’t actually know what I am typing
This is going to be like one of those sentences that you start
But don’t know where it’s going so you just keep talking

I am happy
Happier than I have been in so long
For a really long time
I thought God was against me
I didn’t know if I should put my faith in him or not
It’s actually called agnosticism
But I felt as if I had done something really bad when I was young
Because God kept throwing punches
And then he gave me some happy back
But then he took it away
And then he gave it back

I don’t know
It’s confuzzling
Yes i just used that word
I’m one of those people
I use fantabulous as an actual adjective
And I add -ly to any verb to make it an adjective
Yes, in case you were wondering
I’m pretty sure I’m crazy
But besides the point
I am happy

I’m not sure if anyone is reading this far in
This is pretty long anyway
And basically I’m just ranting

I have some major mental problems
If y’all have read any of my other poems you would know that there are a lot of things that ripped my heart out
And yes, I am also one of those people that uses the word y’all
I have anxiety, worried about everything and I get anxiety attacks at a good chunk of the football games I go to
I have depression, or some sort of mood swingy thing goin’ on there
I don’t really know
I’m just really sad all the time
There’s a lot more, but those are the most demanding of them all
It kinda makes life unbearable
But I live

Oh, oh, oh!
I just came up with what to call this piece
The Dumpster Fire Rant
Yeah
That’s my mom’s favorite saying
Or at least a close second to ‘do you want to be sent to live with your dad’
But the point is
I don’t know what the heck in huckleberry heck I’m talking about
Again, yes, I am that kind of person to say that
I’m basically just ranting here
Ranting about my major dumpster fire of a comedic life
And no one has probably even reached this far in the poem
Because it’s too long
And it’s basically me being a major dork
But I don’t care

I get made fun of quite a bit
I’m a nerd
And I’m considered smart, even though I’m pretty stupid in my opinion
I sing
To be exact, I sing and dance
At the same time
It’s called show choir
And no I’m not queer in any way, shape, or form
...well…
Nope.
That’s not a question I feel like talking about
If I answer what I am
I get scared and run in the opposite direction
Even if it’s something I can’t change
So I rather not think about the possibilities
I am the girl who stands in front of the mirror each day
And decides I am pretty
Only to be told by everyone
Including my family and closest friends
That I am ugly
Even if they don’t say it directly
They make the slightest comment
And I feel like I was shot

I am also the girl who reads at lunch while listening to Frank Turner
The artist who no one I know knows
I am the one who says the darndest things
Like fudge buckets, or shiitake mushrooms on a swiss burger on a Wednesday afternoon
And I say croutons like crouwtons, and tells autocorrect to shove off when it tells me that’s wrong
I am the one who eats mac and cheese with ketchup and ranch
And I am the one who drinks orange juice with my spaghetti
I get it
I am weird
And I am a target
And I practically am asking for it
But I can’t explain it
That’s just the way I am

I am pretty fricken sure that no one is still reading this

Sometimes
I just need a good rant
And I only know you virtually
So you are my therapist
Except with less awkward silence and the weird fact that you’re being evaluated by another person
And can practically see their thoughts behind their eyes
Or is that just me?
Anyway
You didn’t have to say anything
Or even read the whole thing
Or any of it at all
But it’s out there
My rant is out there
My dumpster fire is burning bright
And it is out there
So thank you virtual therapists who I don’t know and probably haven’t even read this far in.
Thank you.

I am fifteen
There isn’t much freedom in that number
And my parents are so confusing
But that is what fifteen is
A confusing time

I am fifteen
And my mom gets mad at me for not being social,
Locking myself in my room, away from everyone and everything, to read
But when I try to go out with friends,
Or I finally get a good boyfriend, one that treats me like I am the sun, moon, and the stars themselves,
They get mad at me.
This is a confusing time

I am fifteen
And I don’t have many friends
Because I am weird
But it’s not my fault
I just got so broken
That I felt like normal was too impossible to reach at this point
This is a confusing time

I am fifteen
And I am told that I am beautiful
And ugly
I don’t know who to believe
Because the people who have known me for years
Tell me I am ugly inside and out
And the people who are the light
Entering my life, anew
All say that I am beautiful
Persona and reflection
But I choose to just follow the lead of the first
Because if they’ve known me for years
They know best
And ugly sound like more of a fact
This is a confusing time.

I am fifteen
And the only thing that makes any sense anymore
Is nothing
Because nothing is where everything begins
The deep dark pit of which we dig our hands deep and pull out a new task.

I’m the kid who is never in trouble
Fears it actually
Every time I’m called to the office
I basically have a panic attack
Wondering what I did wrong
Even though we all know I didn’t do anything

So when I walk into whatever room I need to be in
And the adult tells me what is going on
I relax
But the same thing always happens

So when I’m called down to the counselors office
You’d imagine, I’d be freaked
And I get down there
But this time it’s different

This time they’re noticing the burn on my forearm
Isn’t it funny that the time when it’s nothing but my clumsiness
They notice
But when I was angry
That I wasn’t feeling anything
Not mourning
They never gave me a second glance.

I hurt
Every time you tell me to smile
Because you act as if it’s just so easy

Easier said than done

I sink
Every time you tell me to be happy
Because you act as if I have nothing to be sad about

Easier said than done

I drown
Every time you tell me to think positive
Because you act as if positive will make the bad stuff disappear

Easier said than done

I break
Every time you tell me to cheer up
Because you act as if I should be happy for everyone else’s sake

Easier said than done

I know you feel uncomfortable
Every time I let my fake smile falter
And every time I don’t seem happy
Or every time I can’t think positively
And every time I tint the happy mood

You’re so used to me faking it
That you thought it was real
And when I finally let my mask drop
Because it’s just too much work at the moment
You think telling me to be happy will help
You want me to stop making you uncomfortable
But sometimes it’s just
Easier said than done