My family is so big,
Too big.
I always feel forgotten,
Unneeded,
Unloved.
I think it’s gotten so big,
That I’m not even part of it anymore.

I need a hug from someone who doesn't feel sorry for me.
Unfortunately, I don't think there's any left.

You say LOL
After I sent TGIF.
But really?
Should I laugh?
This week has been awful.
I feel the weight of the world.
Stuck in my own head.
I’m soaking wet from being drenched in my thoughts.
I want to go home.
SOL.
Not to the home that I hate.
To my dad’s house
Where I can forget for a moment,
That life’s not all that GR8.

Screaming.
From the bedroom four doors down.
From inside my own head.
From my dad, as he leaves.

Screaming.
From the bedroom three doors down.
From inside my own head.
From my oldest brother, as he leaves.

Screaming.
From the bedroom two doors down.
From inside my own head.
From my next brother, as he leaves

Screaming?
No, the next door is passed.
Nothing is wrong.
Targets aren’t painted for the adopted.

Knock, knock.
The door.

What a great day to be a McKay.

I am here, sitting in the center of the tornado.
Everything moving quickly.
I am here, while noise fills up the room all at once
But nothing said goes unheard to me.

I am here, and everything around seems so happy
While I am here, feeling the weight of the world.
I’m here, while everything seems so bright
Yet I’m still stuck in a deep dark pit.

I am here…
Here I am…
Am I here…?

I’m a little queasy right now
As I avoid looking at the needle
And when it penetrates my skin
The direct pain last one second
But the mental war has been going for days
In anticipation
And the sting is still there
And the smell of disinfectant is stuck in my nose.
And as long as the queasiness lasts
The possibilities stand
Of fainting
With seizures
Or throwing up
Or the head splitting migraines
So I lie down
Waiting
Waiting for the queasiness to go
For the headache to leave
And the possibilities to fade
It’s hard to remember that it’s for good
Helping the future me
When my arm is numb
Feeling like I’m growing faint

I feel a great guilt
When I think to myself
She is the worst.
I know deep down, she does love me
At least more than she should
I’m the one who tells her she’s not being fair
I’m the one who says she’s the worst
For loving all of her kids, except me
For giving more attention to the others
For wrecking my whole life
So many times over
Sometimes it feels like she doesn’t see me anymore
Like she doesn’t think I’m as smart as everyone tells me I am
So I deny their complements, because if she can’t see it, then it’s not there
And then I complain
I focus on all the things she does that make me feel so sad inside
I can’t see that she’s trying to help me
Out of worry
I take note that she never says I love you just because
It’s only when she thinks I need it, or when she knows I’m upset with her
I see that all she wants is to be liked
But really she’s trying to be there for me when I need it
I feel a great guilt
When I think to myself
She is the worst.
But she’s trying
And she does love me
More than she should
Because in all honesty
I am the worst
Please forgive my guilt.