I want to take your hands into mine
trace the patterned lines you hide
beneath thick sleeves and torn jeans

I want to take away your pain
brush your hair out of your face
kiss you till they finally fade

I knew you were trouble from day one
Day dreamer;
Never grounded on what was here,
Always 10 steps ahead like chess.
Calling check mate before the plays are made,
I'm calling your bluff wether you hear me or not.
Day dreamer,
You've taken that away from me
and now I'm getting letters at
3am detailing your obscure reasoning
And list of regrets.
Let me sleep night walker,
And stay out of my life.

.I can fake it but for only so long.
I'm inebriated constantly, or sleeping
Mainly sleeping.
. I want to sleep for good.
I want to dance.
I want to cry.
I want to be held.
I want to end it all.

Converse
Your side profile makes me think
Of better days or worse
I cant explain it other than
Your eyes are my fire
Your lips are my verse

"You look so tired"
I mean I guess
I've been drinking enough caffeine
To fuel a crack head or three
But I'm fine I'm really fine
Minus the breakdowns on the busrides
But I'm fine I'm really fine
I mean my dead dad talks to me now so I guess
Maybe I'm not alright in the head a little
But it's ok right now I swear
It's okay right now I swear

Drugstore trips for constant drips
we pull up to your parents driveway
and hesitate to leave;
Idle cars for idle minds
on where I'll be sleeping in a year.

I was so numb before I met you
Feeling what I was told to feel and nothing more
Then I saw you and my nerves caught fire
Shivers racing down my spine
My heart skipping beat after beat
Engulfing my body in this summer warmth
Wrapping me up in this glossy haze
I replayed those moments where I caught your gaze
I saw your pupils grow and your hairs raise
Then you reached for my hand and that's when I knew
You felt it too

Trapped in these horrid walls
Beige lies, broken bones, hidden flaws
Purple and blue beneath these scars
Hell is home, Live amongst the shards

Filled me up, blood to overflow
Time passes, sit and laugh, they never go
Paint it green, Paint it black
Nothing changes, so what is one more hack

According to you I'm not worthy
To breath the air you do
To step amongst the spots you've touched
According to you I'm a shame
Struck and thrown around
Made to take your blame

One more blow, blood spatters
Head on the floor, heart shatters
Can you be right, wrong, not knowing
Leave her there to bleed, hidden, not showing

Fear, Loss, heartache and pain
Emotions mean nothing, not when you're vain
Walk away, to the beige, lights flash
They hold lies, numbness, another lash

According to you I'm not worthy
To breathe the air you do
To step amongst the spots you've touched
According to you I'm a shame
Struck and thrown around
Made to take your blame

I’m safe
Far away from the wolf and its fangs,
Yet still my heart stays by,
Inching closer day by day towards the gnawing teeth
That lie in that womans mouth.
She is blood,
But I have shed that commonality because of her,
And will not shed it again.
Heart, come back,
She is not who you perceive her to be.
What she was died along with him,
What she is now, is darkness,
And that is what she always shall remain.
Memories can fool you,
But the reality can only cause you harm

Sunkissed brown stretched across

my deepest desire;

But soon I will be counting

one, two, three

pointy white

protruding trophies.

Music drowning out the int rusivethoughts
He brings me my medicine with an open hand
To take it or n ot; to feel better or not
Shove it down my throat with a smile
*** I'll feel better in a while,
I'll be better
Maybe later
**

I thought I found it.
I thought I had it in my hands
I thought ;
I thought.
It was never there.
It could never be there.
Out from the belly of her gut
And onto the street,
I am here,
I am here;
And that is all I've ever had.

Bile in the curb,
Word ***** has never done me in worse;

I leave my heart out in the open
letting anyone toss it around
lending it out to anyone who wants it
and well, I never learn.
Time after time they bring it back damaged
bruised and cut and beyond repair
each time I say 'never again'
take in my heart, nurse it back to health
mending the veins and letting the bruises fade
After some time though, I think 'one more time'
and put my heart back on display
only to have it broken again.

*******
He isnt cheating
He isnt doing anything wrong
He's your man
He's your love
He's your life
And everythings ok
Ok
Ok
Ok?
Ok

Close your eyes she says
you're walking down a street you barely recognize
suddenly in the distance you see that old maple tree
your mother used to carve your heights into
and the yellow brick devoured by beautiful ivy
that's now taller than you ever could have imagined.
The bright red door invites you inside,
you're stepping on the floor he laid,
out the corner of your eye you see the fireplace he built from scratch
she beckons you to look past that and go forward
up the winding staircase
first door on your left once you reach the top step.

Inside you expect to find your bedroom at age five
but all I see is an old bed with stuffed animals strewn across it.
I grab one, take a seat on the floor
and wait for him to come bursting through the door
to scoop me up in his big arms and promise me
that he isn't going anywhere again.
I wait.
I wait.
I wait for a moment I know will never come
unless I keep my eyes shut.

My mind is maddening
stuck in daydreams so vivid
I'm in a room full of people but I'm
headed for the kitchen
grabbing a knife and rope
to sink my boat

While kids stare on no one the wiser
that this girls no longer afloat
legal meds lock me in this box

So is this the end
No applause
No bows
Just a close of the curtain

A quick glimpse of the past
A visit from a friend
Flash of light
Then it's dark yet again

When you told me to believe I trusted
But this end, it isn't right
Just a white light

True love will never die
I believed
Death must be wrong
Or maybe love lied

Our paths won't intertwine
They were just two parallels
Never meant to cross
And not meant for each other

Yet this pain instilled
Deep within me
Makes me question
was fate wrong?

When you told me to believe I trusted
But this end, it isn't right
Just a white light

It just keeps getting worse the longer you're gone
I've grown so sick, lines don't fix me anymore
nothing cures the madness inside my mind
You thought I was bad then,
thought I'd hit my bottom by now
but look where I am,
I'm still falling down this hole that I dug for myself
while the passerby's wonder if I'll ever get out of this without you
sadly I doubt it

They live for the rush of the minds contemplation
And seek for the weak to destroy what they have
Life
Make it seem unbearable
Utterly dreadful at the least
Till their minds contemplate
And then
They feed your soul with hope
Happiness and joy
So they can take life away again
They are murderers
They **** the soul and mind
And have killed me inside and out.

This sickness shall grow
As each stroke hits the canvas
I'll paint the sink red

I am a girl, 6 and a half with no care in the world
Until my bubble is burst and I realize the world is large and cruel.
I'm pushed and teased because my teeth aren't straight and I grew too quickly so I tend to fall on my face and well, I'm just not that great.

I am a girl, 13 and three quarters, filled with worry and self doubt.
The girls are worse now and have pointed out that instead of going up I've gone out.
I'm criticized for my size, then blasted for trying so hard in school, so I return to the safe confides of my home only to be blasted some more thanks to Mark Zuckerberg.

I am a girl, almost 17, fed up with how cruel the world is.
The girls use new tactics to get their revenge now.
I'm ignored,laughed at and mocked behind my back, but shh I'm not supposed to know about that. And when I come home, my comfort is gone for my inbox is filled with hopes for my death, sincerely the anons.

I am a girl, 17 now.
I know it wont end, I've lost hope, and I've decided the only way to solve my problem is to give up on such a cruel  world.

I love the toothless grin you give

when I slide on top

or the way your lips keep reaching out

even after I've broken from their grasp

and that noise you can no longer hold back

when my tongue meets your neck

and trails down to the prize

S-o-u-l-m-a-t-e
when asked to define
I pull out a picture of you
and declare "well he's mine"

please, try me
I have nothing left to lose and nothing left to prove
***** I've been bending over backwards all for you
*******
I'm through
I don't ever want to see another inch of you
or hear another word from you

you see this? these ******* scars?
I've got close to a thousand thanks to you
yes you
take the ******* blame for once
you told me while I was lying on the tracks
"I'd be better off"
so I took those pills to numb my thoughts
and grant your ******* wish for me
to be dead and buried deep beneath
then you can't even take responsibility
for what you ******* said to me
you coward
you were too busy ******* meghan e to be bothered
so *******
I'm through
I don't ever want to see another inch of you
or hear another word from you

In a field of nothing but grass, popped a beautiful daisy
but the grass slowly suffocated the daisy because it didn't belong
so the daisy went to Marcus, the man with illegal ****
and bought itself a nice large shotgun with a thousand rounds
And carried it back to the field, and shot the **** out of the grass
till the field was no longer green but a bright crimson red
... because the grass is a metaphor for people and they bleed red...

Is there really a difference
Post op pre op?
I liked to hold and touch and now
Not so much.
But the sadness was fuelled
in a contained manor.
I was still suicidal but I had purpose.
I gave myself purpose,
He was my purpose,
destructive purpose that made me smile
But it seeped out with alcohol;
I'm miserable to the core
No man can fix that
No friend can fix that
I don't even think I can fix that

Is it fair
For me to be
So distressed
When I was supposed to be
Your one and only.
Is it wrong
For me to be
So infuriated
With the fact
That you loved
Another
For I have loved many..
Yet what differs
Between you and I
Is I spoke
And you lied
So now I'm left
With your kin
Filling in
The gaps
You left

Widen those chubby thighs and let him get a little
too close for comfort

Expose those torn up sides once you flick off the lights so you can
avoid direct eye contact.

You're so convincing when he tries to get emotionally close and you
take those fake mental notes

A girl is only as strong as her crutch

After the lightning and thunder subsides
and the rain has been reduced
to a soft drip
off the rooftops of my suburban stomping grounds.
The only sounds that echo down the streets
are husbands coming home
to their sleeping wives
and the tree's shaking off their fresh coat.
A barren sky is set before me
with no stars in sight to keep me company
as I soul search in the streets
barefoot and longing
for my other half who'd find
this entire scene serene.

My insides have been taken out
no need for Jack's strong heart
or Jill's wandering mind
I've carved it out with a dollar bill
rolled up tight

I wish I could say
I have the same friends I had a year ago,
but that just isn't how life worked out for me.
People just don't tend to stick with me
while rumors refuse to let go of their hold on me
so I'm plagued by ex friends, ex lovers and their lies
when all I want is some brightness in my life

I wonder how I fit with you
resemblance exists but that's the extent
I'll give, you'll take, you say and I'll follow through
you'll squeeze and smash whats already bent

and the one who kept me sane is buried in my mind
you use him as your excuse to life
you take away my mind and leave me with lies
I'll steal your excuses and carve them with your knife

I'll be your excuse after tonight

as your screams reach my room I'll dream
sometimes I plan my never wake
I hope you know you've drowned this home in you're twisted stream
and I promise this I wont fake

I've gone through hell to protect you
no thanks just more holes
the kid resembles the worst of you
and this could be the last toll

You'll be my excuse after tonight

I take a deep breath in, tasting the cold air on my tongue
feeling it seep down my throat, through my lungs
down to the pit of my gut.
I let it sit, passing deeper within.
I feel the ice go through my skin, pass through vein after vein
reaching every ***** in my body, stopping at the heart.
I give in, exhaling every particle of used up oxygen
finally cleansed of my past.
A breath of fresh air is all it takes
to save me from the thoughts that haunt me.

My heart skipped a beat when those words rolled off your tongue
without provocation or temptation
just my smile and squeals
as you held me down, finger tips like feathers
and quickly turned away as my lungs caved in
to those words
and the hope they bear

Sprawled across my bathroom floor
you look to me with disdain cross your eyes
"are you truly real?"
the question has grown more frequent
with each night spent together.
I take your hand from under mine
and place limp fingers
across the pulsating breadth of my neck
"does this feel real to you?"
You smile and turn
entranced by the candles dance
and as you watch, I place *******
where your hand just left
for even I have my doubts sometimes.

Pacing your second floor bathroom with music blasting in the background until your legs give out or your eardrums go numb
is far from anything but stable she states as she flips through the channels.
I guess this means counting your scars and bruises from the night before and drinking until the lights go out isn't considered stable either.
Isn't it.

There's this room
old wooden floors that creak in certain spots unless you're real careful
to tiptoe over the strewn clothes I never got around to hanging up
brick walls with several holes from nailed up paintings I was proud of
a window from floor to ceiling that overlooks the busy city street
that lets all of the winter air in and magnifies the summer sun
and a king sized mattress with the bed sheets half hanging off
you're still half naked, fast asleep under what sheets are left
I walk through and see the typewriter on the floor surrounded by
pages covered in red and black ink from the nights before
boxes of undeveloped film canisters at the foot of that king sized bed
a couple of empty mugs with the tea bag still clung to the bottom;
I hit a creak, you roll onto your back and give me that half dead smile.


I open my eyes

A long time before, when I used to live free, scorch the skies
The time came, and I was alone, broken ties
Can we be more, can we be less, fire flies

Lights dancing beneath me, beneath you, in this sea
Look too deep, eyes of brown, eyes of green
Friends are dear, tell your secrets, telling me

Once you decide to dance in the rain
Be my friend
Can you erase this dreadful pain
Come and tend


I like the feeling of how small the world
and your problems seem
when your looking at the stars swirl
Then look down at me

So what happens now, with you, with me
Do we talk, ignore, flee
Or do we go back, to the dance, open sea

Secret December, one of those, tiny scars
Bleeding hearts, from you and me, ours
The sky, red as can be, memoirs

Once you decide to dance in the rain
Be my friend
Can you erase this dreadful pain
Come and tend


I like the feeling of how small the world
and your problems seem
when your looking at the stars swirl
Then look down at me

blood pours down my face
as tears wash them away
I've been sent into the rain
to wait for you

You'll join me in the rain
wipe away the blood with your lips
take away the pain he left instilled
together as it pours

alone side by side
I'll reach through the ****
take out what was his
that he'd tried to put back

take it away take me away
tell me tell me
re-attach the veins stitch up my pains
fix me fix me

You're impossible to resists
as you lick your lips
and look down at me, your prey
"it won't take long now"
you say with a laugh held back
hands quick to pounce
and reach for the ripened fruit
ready for your picking

Is it fair to say
I've found the one
I hope to lie next to
In summer heat
near the crashing waves
as the fading sun
bursts at its seams
to kiss as people sleep
and run down baren streets;
Not caring what people think
as we scream in woods
once the stars are at their peak;
I've found the one
to make memories with;

Just sit and whisper sweet nothings in my ear
I’ll whisper back how long I’ve waited just for this
and I’ll crawl into your warm embrace;
It’s been years since I last dreamed of this.

I love you honey bunny
he says as if Jules is a seat ahead of us
with a gun pointed straight at his nuts.
Then you have Dylan making your throat red raw
before the words have even slipped off your tongue.
The jump from teenage delinquency to normal relations
was harder than I thought after all.
Olivia's paranoia ensues on to the next golden boy
and Jill's left ****** is the only joy I feel I bring to the table.
Every tacky horoscope site tells me you and I are simpatico
my head on the other hand is knee deep in delusions
of fates paths ruined and fates paths missed on both ends.
I've foolishly given you my all
and I foolishly anticipate the fall.

My hearts strung up and paraded around your place
I'm bent to your will
I'm bent to your need
Crying for you while you cut the strings

Monday to Friday nine to five
Twelve fifty an hour plus commission
Monday to Friday nine to five
Twelve fifty an hour plus commission
Monday to Friday nine to five
Twelve fifty an hour plus commission
Utter under your breathe
It'll only make the mundane worse

I've only seen this a hundred times before
once there's nothing more to give
they walk closer to the door
until alas they step outside my grasp
and look to me no more