They warned me, but I’m curious
It’s my tragic flaw
My need to know whats in the minds of those around me
You, you won’t let me in, that’s a first
You say half truths to get by my desire for your knowledge
but I know there’s more behind your wall
I'll get through to you eventually, I promise you I will
I’ll open your heart and mind, search through the memories
take out the bad, and leave you with happier thoughts to get you by
I promise you before I die.

Is there really a difference
Post op pre op?
I liked to hold and touch and now
Not so much.
But the sadness was fuelled
in a contained manor.
I was still suicidal but I had purpose.
I gave myself purpose,
He was my purpose,
destructive purpose that made me smile
But it seeped out with alcohol;
I'm miserable to the core
No man can fix that
No friend can fix that
I don't even think I can fix that

Is it fair
For me to be
So distressed
When I was supposed to be
Your one and only.
Is it wrong
For me to be
So infuriated
With the fact
That you loved
Another
For I have loved many..
Yet what differs
Between you and I
Is I spoke
And you lied
So now I'm left
With your kin
Filling in
The gaps
You left

Would you be proud of me
Or have I forsaken you;
Abandoning the family I promised to save;
Am I selfish? To want better?
To have better in my hands and leave them to rot;
Is this something I brought upon myself?
Did I cause them to curdle and rot?
Am I the only sane one around or maybe I'm just sour milk as well.
Way past overdue, in a crowded fridge
God forgot me like the rest of them.

I'm in permanent hangover stasis;
A walking bruise with low expectations .

When you have your heart shattered into a million pieces not once but twice by a dude you gave your all, your everything plus some more too, you never really get it all back.

At first you're completely hollow to the point that you can hear your organs echo up your esophagus at night and no matter how much you wanna cry your tank has been running on empty for weeks no sleep no food just beer and that gets you no where at least no where near to what today was supposed to be but you find your rattling echo bellow for you to walk and start stumbling into bars looking for anything to make you feel something inside. Cheap thrills, cheap drinks cheap men or girls well below your standard sub par notion of what you think your self worth is really worth. Nothing. Empty. Hollow. Fill me up sweetie for the night I'll wake up and repeat rinse wash and repeat another hollow week.

Then you gain a little self worth you start doing your makeup for you and you've lost all this weight from the lack of eating and sleeping and the boys that are a little above sub par self deprecating standards start to ask you things but you're still in limbo and drink a little too heavily and you make poor choices and fall right back into bad habits of falling for boys that don't give a ****. You find that one boy, the first boy that makes you feel a little something and you realize after one night you can't stand to be around comfort for more than a few hours because you're not comfortable; you're timid and scared and don't want people to touch you or kiss you or look you in the eyes that way, the way he did, and when they give you compliments you laugh it off because your self worth is still nothing. You're still empty. But the rattling stopped so that's something.

Then one day you pick yourself out of bed and are suddenly faced with the daunting task of dating again. You drink but not that heavily. You go to shows by yourself and have met new friends and feel like your head is finally back on your shoulders. You rock that skirt you thought you couldn't and revel in the far from straight guys throwing compliments at you on the streets and finally you feel full. But you still can't hold a boys hand for too long without feeling guilt or I guess just out of place. When they ask to sleepover you let them pass out and sneak onto the couch because you can't bring yourself to be that vulnerable with a kind boy with kind eyes who might lie and let you down not once but twice like he did. Not that they're all the same its just you can't shake the wall you subconsciously built up after he left. You can't be that hopeless romantic with the rose coloured glasses waiting for Prince Charming to save you from single suburbia and waltz you away to your dream life. People ****. People always ****. And that's the part of myself I miss the most. The carefree carelessness skipping down the streets, ready to rip open my chest and share my darkest secrets after our eyes meet and we have that spark and everything feels right on track.

That I will probably never get back.

Down on her knees
She sinks and pleads
For the chance to mend
What she's destroyed within

His Mind is torn
Between the two
Leave this behind
Or cave in

Thankfully for them both
Love always wins

Stop wasting your time on a girl who doesn’t give two ***** about your heart
It doesn’t end with a sunset fading in the distance
She won’t change her mind and her feelings on you,
let alone her passion for leading men on
You’re just a trophy,
an addition to her collection of stolen hearts
Yet you latch on
and don’t give a **** about what I have to say
But hey,
if you honestly don’t want my help,
if you don’t want a friend,
I’m ok with walking past you
as you try to pretend she hates the stares she gets;

Before I met you
my lungs were filled with sea water
my brain left fried from ******* back lines
my heart was tattered torn and bruised
but you came in
took me in your arms
pumped the fluid out of my lungs
made me no longer want to feel numb
held my heart in tender hands
and made me feel whole again

I never sleep

it really *****

so I stay up all night

staring at a screen

wishing someone else who never sleeps

could come join me

and hold me tight

till we both fall asleep

or just till the sun rises

what am I other than drugs
burn marks
deep scars
cigarette smoke
and lengthy bar tabs.
Would you even like me
beside the fact;
do I even like me
beside the fact.

For days I lay in bed,
diving into the sheets we calmly swam within
trying to cling on to what has been
alas each time I wash these sheets
I lose a piece of you with them.
Now comes the time when I count down the days
from now, till then
in which we'll go for a swim again.
Until then, my love
I'll memorize each moment
until then, my dear
and pray for longer ones to come

Pacing your second floor bathroom with music blasting in the background until your legs give out or your eardrums go numb
is far from anything but stable she states as she flips through the channels.
I guess this means counting your scars and bruises from the night before and drinking until the lights go out isn't considered stable either.
Isn't it.

Sometimes I think I'm too much to handle,
most days.
Mind the skeletons when you come back to my place;
It's been a long year,
or two.

And when things don't go the way I planned,
I burn bridges instead of staying sad.
I suppose I'm a little too much to handle,
most days;
Some days are better than the rest.

I thought I'd changed since we last left,
I thought you'd have changed at least a bit.
I suppose its a little too much to handle,
most days,
but I can't say without you is better than the rest.

The drugs have made it through my body
(both prescribed and not)
and the last bits have been swept out
through sweaty pores
Reality, the daunting thing
is now here before my eyes
bills to pay, life to conquer
how to conquer I ask, I ask
with desperate thoughts bouncing around
amplified by sobriety
my dearest self stay strong
for this is only half the battle

I know the hollow
Blank state, empty smile
The way each day blends
And never ends.
Once in my eyes, they've
Flown to yours
And day by day
The hollow gets worse.
I've tried to solve the
Impossible
Unfixable
But we all know there is no quick fix
Just wait...
One day you'll feel
The air on your skin
And stare out your window
And realize its been
So long since youve run barefoot in your lawn
Just like that its gone,
Until then, hold on

Told to choose this way or that
I'm ****** either way
Why still try to win?

A single sentence
That's all it took for my heart to stop
A single insignificant moment in your life
That has ripped my heart in two
And now I choose
Him or you
Him or you

NO

no
            no
     no                 no
                    no                       no              no

no                                    no
                  no                                 no
                                                                                                                      



                                                                                                   ..no..


                        ..please..





                                                                no..

It never gets old
Each night with you
Your soft snores somehow soothing
Compared to a night alone
In a bed made for two.

You can do better
**** that
I had better
I had him

I knew you were trouble from day one
Day dreamer;
Never grounded on what was here,
Always 10 steps ahead like chess.
Calling check mate before the plays are made,
I'm calling your bluff wether you hear me or not.
Day dreamer,
You've taken that away from me
and now I'm getting letters at
3am detailing your obscure reasoning
And list of regrets.
Let me sleep night walker,
And stay out of my life.

I want to take your hands into mine
trace the patterned lines you hide
beneath thick sleeves and torn jeans

I want to take away your pain
brush your hair out of your face
kiss you till they finally fade

It just keeps getting worse the longer you're gone
I've grown so sick, lines don't fix me anymore
nothing cures the madness inside my mind
You thought I was bad then,
thought I'd hit my bottom by now
but look where I am,
I'm still falling down this hole that I dug for myself
while the passerby's wonder if I'll ever get out of this without you
sadly I doubt it

Those who look to wrists
Know behind every smile
can lie a dark truth

Two days later and I'm born again
I guess that's all you need
a little vacation from reality

****** in like I promised myself I wouldn't
but i feel the words slipping off my tongue
as each day passes
I know I've said it time and time again
but god I've never felt as good as I'm with him

I have become the cliche I hate
But when I'm alone
I know I love it

Why is it that i give so much
To everyone
Make them feel special on their day
Yet when my time comes
No ones there
To make me feel the same

When the thought of a night spent in your own bed brings dread
for you'd be willing to wake before the sun
if it meant you spent the night with them;
That's when you know you've found the one.

Dear god if there is a god
let this music drown the voices that scream at night
let the ***** sink in deep
let me be able to voice my mind yet still bite my tongue
when conversations get too deep
let me be willing to wait until tomorrow
to down the pills or break my vow
help me be strong for my mind is weak
help me be stable for my body shakes
help me get to tomorrow, help me see the sun rise.
Help me
Save me
Dear god I hope you're really there

Monday to Friday nine to five
Twelve fifty an hour plus commission
Monday to Friday nine to five
Twelve fifty an hour plus commission
Monday to Friday nine to five
Twelve fifty an hour plus commission
Utter under your breathe
It'll only make the mundane worse

Oh god dear god if you are here
Please revoke my last few prayers
It wasn't fair, I didn't know
I didn't see what you tried to show.
If I had known, if I had seen
That he would be the one for me
So god please god, I need him now
Don't take him please
So help me god

I am long endless nights spent locked inside with ***** bottles and strangers with running noses

I am hot summer days wearing jeans instead of shorts because the first rule is to not let anyone know and the second is to make double sure

I am the doctors test subject in an empty field far away from where he told me he'd take me

I am my fathers daughter, but I'm afraid if he came back he wouldn't recognize me any longer.

For a month I had a home, our home away from home
neither mine nor his but we had our place
our little niche
our own space.

As the month drew near darker days came more frequent
I'd prefer to stay in bed, I'd let you tuck me in
but not even *** could make me forget
that the inevitable was quickly approaching.

Now that I'm here?
with no prospect of a home in sight
a place to call my own without
throwing myself to the dogs in the process.
The woman and her fangs sink deeper and deeper
the harder I try to run.
As each day passes I grow wearier
as to whether or not I'll even make it.

Can't do it any longer so I'll tell myself
for tonight
it's nicer at the bottom.
This ******* hole I keep finding myself in
no matter what I keep finding myself here
so why do I keep trying to find my way out?
I'll grab some blankets and red wine
waiting, waiting, waiting to die.
My only goal is to finish this glass
so I can make my body look the way my insides feel;
chewed up and spit out
by the only thing that ever made me feel pure
god nothing made me feel as good as you;
I fear nothing ever will
and no one ever can
and every night will be the same
every night will be my last;
Every night I'll tell myself I love it at the bottom
until I'll remember what made me try to get out in the first place
and finally swallow that pill bottle.

Nothing good ever happened after three am except you,
toxic whirlwind of bad decisions landing me in a
half wired half lit static stasis
half dressed, half mess, covered in ******* and pabst;
Maybe you're the bad thing after three
Maybe if we stay up a little longer it'll cancel out the last few years.

You're the one who turned to me,
sad,
mad,
disappointed with where things left off.
Look where we are now.

Years i thought i lost you found in me
Wasted days now count for things
I never thought they could;
One by one i let those shadows
Fade away,
Its true what they say
It'll all make sense
In the end of days..

Nothing good ever happened after 3 am

So I got pills to knock me out before then

If you could just stop moving and talking
so I can stare in your eyes and finally
have that moment to soak up the fact
that I finally did something right in my life
that'd be great.

He says I worry too much
(Well)
I’ll stop worrying when I stop being wrong;
9/10 times is too high to disregard.

He bought me the strokes album, the one I didn't have which
well, that means he looked through all my vinyl and saw the missing part in my collection.

I stopped collecting after you handed me random vinyl you acquired on your Cambridge day trips
**** your lackluster
**** your candor

I guess I'm all moved in,
I can't tell where he ends and I begin

I just want to feel whole again

strong again


Some semblance of what my parents once thought of me

some semblance of anything before they touched me
and tore me shred by shred


there are things that I wish we could change about our daily
but here I am chugging wine and telling you things are

fine