It just keeps getting worse the longer you're gone
I've grown so sick, lines don't fix me anymore
nothing cures the madness inside my mind
You thought I was bad then,
thought I'd hit my bottom by now
but look where I am,
I'm still falling down this hole that I dug for myself
while the passerby's wonder if I'll ever get out of this without you
sadly I doubt it

One after one the leaves fall
till nothing's left but bare limbs
where flowers once bloomed
where birds once chirped
where children once climbed
on a tree that once stood so tall and grand
in the middle of a forest full of life

When I have no one to turn to
(which is often)
I opt for drugs to numb my soul
and razor blades to halt my tears
but rather all I get is worse
more scars,
more crashes,
more burns

Running barefoot through the front lawn
of a vacationing parent's home.
Thousands of stars staring us down
while we took our self prescribe medication,
numbing ourselves while we sank back
into tonight's lovers arms.
Reaching a peak of ecstasy,
heads in their laps pouring our hearts out,
while we sip back home made wine
and expensive foreign beer under dim lights.
It's here our bodies meet and melt
into the plaid cushioned bedroom we fashioned.

I am calm
the butterflies subsided
my palms dry
heart stabilized
steadily beating as I finish the bottles
left empty on the bedside.
I slip into the dress
put on my face
curl my hair
and stare in the mirror
imagining how I'd look
in a few hours time;
the flush of red in my cheeks long gone
skin grown cold
empty eyes.
I lie down
note at my feet
and wait for the numbness
to take me away
so I can find peace

I never sleep

it really *****

so I stay up all night

staring at a screen

wishing someone else who never sleeps

could come join me

and hold me tight

till we both fall asleep

or just till the sun rises

Wanderlust yet stuck in our own home town
Dreaming of the day we wake up to crashing waves
next to each other in the back of a pickup
Searching for our souls in the stars
Chasing embers as they fall down like snowflakes
burning our skin at first touch
Feeling the soft dirt between our toes
as we get lost in our backyard
Leaving handprints on foggy windows
after we realize the sun had set hours ago.
Losing ourselves in the smoke, the music and each others skin;
We are the reincarnated flower children
living recklessly in the present
Dreaming endlessly of the past
and not looking forward to the future.

I want to slip back into old habits
Take the razor blade and dig for a vein
Or maybe the white of my bones
I want to search for myself in there
In the blood and tissue matter
Past the scarred mess he left
Try and find out what makes me tick
Heart or head
Which comes first

Here I am
Trying hard to see the bottom of this hole
but the light was turned off many years ago
And I fear that maybe I will die alone

Here I am
Frantically praying to a god that isn’t there
hoping someone will turn and say ‘I care’
but no one will, they just laugh and stare

Here I am
Desperately seeking an escape from this
but down I fall into the dark abyss
It’s sad to know I won’t be missed

Here I am
Bullet through my heart and out my back
Noose is wrapped tightly round my neck
Pills are downed until I feel a bit sick

I'm no longer here
do you have any regrets?

I know your best sides
and  I know your worst.
I know every one of your flaws
and each one I love.
Whether I’m standing there holding you
or on the phone halfway across the world
or even if I’m that faceless person telling you things are OK,
I’ve always been there for you.

But things have changed
I’ve changed, you’ve changed
Months have gone by since that last night,
But love is strange, love is strong,
it finds ways to creep into your veins
and resurface when you least expect it
because true love never dies,
It resurfaces.

As long as there is love left in my veins,
Second chances will always come our way.

I sat on my bed
staring at the floor
Face blank, mind racing, searching
Till I got this urge,
This shiver down my spine
this clawing at my insides
these whispers in my head
So I went to my window
Tore off the screen
Sticking my head out in the summer breeze
Stared at the trees and the birds and the leaves
And tried to imagine what flying would be like
What crashing would feel like
What my head would look like
After I jump face first out my window
Into the rock garden down below.
I sat there, on my window sill
One foot dangling over the edge,
the other touching my carpeted floor
Trying to decide whether or not tomorrow was worth living for.

What if tomorrow you wake up and I'm not here anymore
If the person you turned to couldn't turn to you
And became just a memory
Fading faster and faster.
In a few months you can't hear my laugh anymore
In a year my voice is gone
And years after you won't even remember my face.
I'll just be that girl who said see you tomorrow
Even though I knew tomorrow would never come

I miss how much I cared about the future
Concerned about how the world saw me
And how I saw myself
But lately I'll admit that I've grown too numb
To care about the person others see when they look at me

I miss how things were,
When I thought I knew what was next
When I thought tomorrow was guaranteed
And could tell myself that things will only get better
Without blatantly lying through my teeth

I miss your laughter, still echoing in my halls
But its too late to say that I wanted you to stay
Here I am, wishing time to turn back
So I could tell myself to hold on just a little longer
So I can stop being filled with so much regret

Darling you were my demise, there is no doubt
******* back the lines until my eyes are dead
Powder princess doped up and checked out

My minds grown foggy as I go through a bout
of self prescribed destruction, slicing skin painted red
Darling you were my demise there is no doubt

Forced insomnia upon my black eyes I shout
Wasting away to bones scars, blood and meds
Powder princess doped up and checked out

Trying to dissect my corrupted mind they scout
for some innocent piece I've long since shed
Darling you were my demise, there is no doubt

They try to save me from snow white's route
but It's too late to try, the monsters been fed
Powder princess doped up and checked out

We're just seventeen and we're going ******* hard
Hanging downtown, pulling out our fake cards
Sneaking out on weekdays, life is such a chore
Babe you only live once so go crazy

We fall in love for a night then do it all again
Burning cars to the ground and it's only 10
Lying on the street covered in glitter and glass
Streaking in the park and never going to class
Babe you only live once so go crazy

I leave my heart out in the open
letting anyone toss it around
lending it out to anyone who wants it
and well, I never learn.
Time after time they bring it back damaged
bruised and cut and beyond repair
each time I say 'never again'
take in my heart, nurse it back to health
mending the veins and letting the bruises fade
After some time though, I think 'one more time'
and put my heart back on display
only to have it broken again.

I was so numb before I met you
Feeling what I was told to feel and nothing more
Then I saw you and my nerves caught fire
Shivers racing down my spine
My heart skipping beat after beat
Engulfing my body in this summer warmth
Wrapping me up in this glossy haze
I replayed those moments where I caught your gaze
I saw your pupils grow and your hairs raise
Then you reached for my hand and that's when I knew
You felt it too

You've knocked me down and out
Shot your gun and pierced my soul
Forced me to my knees to pray and plead
That I'm not the only one that feels this way
Like I'm drowning inside but I'm fine on the out
Dreaming about a day I'll never wake up
Making deals with the devil so I'll get what I want
I've lost myself, I've lost my mind, I've lost my soul;

I can't be the only one
With voices screaming at me claiming tomorrow is my last
My skin itching for the goosebumps of curiosity
My eyes dilating at the thought of a new high
Kids are screaming down the streets in their bare-feet
Saying you only live once so live wild and free
Heels lost in the parks surrounding our house
Sitting on the rooftops screaming  at the moon
We are young wild and free
and if we die tomorrow we won't die in vain.

He held me close while the town exploded
and whispered comforting coo's in my ear
We laughed while the cars burst into flames
and danced in the tear gas and beer bottle glass
The war raged on and all we could do
was smile at each other and think
This could only happen once
Only once could we find love in such a horrible place
Only once could we walk away knowing
this was the day that changed everything

I am a girl, 6 and a half with no care in the world
Until my bubble is burst and I realize the world is large and cruel.
I'm pushed and teased because my teeth aren't straight and I grew too quickly so I tend to fall on my face and well, I'm just not that great.

I am a girl, 13 and three quarters, filled with worry and self doubt.
The girls are worse now and have pointed out that instead of going up I've gone out.
I'm criticized for my size, then blasted for trying so hard in school, so I return to the safe confides of my home only to be blasted some more thanks to Mark Zuckerberg.

I am a girl, almost 17, fed up with how cruel the world is.
The girls use new tactics to get their revenge now.
I'm ignored,laughed at and mocked behind my back, but shh I'm not supposed to know about that. And when I come home, my comfort is gone for my inbox is filled with hopes for my death, sincerely the anons.

I am a girl, 17 now.
I know it wont end, I've lost hope, and I've decided the only way to solve my problem is to give up on such a cruel  world.

please, try me
I have nothing left to lose and nothing left to prove
***** I've been bending over backwards all for you
*******
I'm through
I don't ever want to see another inch of you
or hear another word from you

you see this? these ******* scars?
I've got close to a thousand thanks to you
yes you
take the ******* blame for once
you told me while I was lying on the tracks
"I'd be better off"
so I took those pills to numb my thoughts
and grant your ******* wish for me
to be dead and buried deep beneath
then you can't even take responsibility
for what you ******* said to me
you coward
you were too busy ******* meghan e to be bothered
so *******
I'm through
I don't ever want to see another inch of you
or hear another word from you

My hearts strung up and paraded around your place
I'm bent to your will
I'm bent to your need
Crying for you while you cut the strings

I fall to the ground and sip back the poison
Whimpering while the voices scream at me
"You're worthless, you're fat,
you *****, you *******
you're trapped, stuck here with them
you'll never leave your missery,
the years will pass and so will your life
your meaningless life filled with
unaccomplished dreams and failed promises"
I collapse in a pathetic heap
admitting my defeat to them
taking one last sip
as I reach for the gun to shut them up
once and for all

In a field of nothing but grass, popped a beautiful daisy
but the grass slowly suffocated the daisy because it didn't belong
so the daisy went to Marcus, the man with illegal ****
and bought itself a nice large shotgun with a thousand rounds
And carried it back to the field, and shot the **** out of the grass
till the field was no longer green but a bright crimson red
... because the grass is a metaphor for people and they bleed red...

He drags me to the ocean and holds me under
watches me as I drown
then drags my lifeless body to the shore
pounds on my chest begging me to breathe
crying for me to open my eyes

Water spews out of my mouth as I gasp for air
I helplessly reach towards him
crying for him
thanking him for saving me
as he drags me back to sea and holds me under

My heart skipped a beat when those words rolled off your tongue
without provocation or temptation
just my smile and squeals
as you held me down, finger tips like feathers
and quickly turned away as my lungs caved in
to those words
and the hope they bear

All you do is give me your smile
And suddenly I'm weak, I can't speak
and my breathing grows hollow
My spine begins to shake, pupils dialate
as I try to form sentences
but they slip off my tounge
and hit the floor
as you walk away

Skin opened like a butterflies wings
through death my soul is released
it's lovely, truly
greyish tone, salmon hues
floating somberly towards you

Yes
reach towards me
touch my hand, trace my thighs
lean forward
and lunge towards my heart
rip it out
and steal the breath in my lungs
then cut the veins
one by one
infront of my teary eyes

Do you remember the summer?
the parties, fireworks and sand hills,
the laughing and screaming the crying and cuddling
your big arms squishing, and lifting and dragging me
splash pads and beaches and forts in your basement
and taxi rides home early because we just couldn’t wait;
the nights we remembered and ones left all hazy;
We used to be happy...

You are the anchor holding a ship down
You are the walls of a house with no exits
You are the roots dug deep in the ground
You are a cage with keys thrown away

But

I am the steering wheel, moving forward
I am the window sill, leaving options
I am the leaves in the wind, moving freely
I am the wings on a bird, breaking free

I feel like I was hit by a truck barreling down
while I was dancing in the highway praying nothing would hit me
but obviously, eventually, it would happen
somewhere deep in my gut I knew I'd get smashed into pieces
but I couldn't face reality, and slowly
slowly my time ran out

Somedays I don't see a reason to open my eyes
and force myself to go outside and socialize
with people who don't know me
and people that hate me
and people that really just want to break me

But everyday I wake up and pry those crusty eyes open
to tame my beastly hair and throw on pounds of makeup
to impress people that hate me and people that don't know me
and people that just want to break me
and I force a smile and a laugh as I walk into hell each day
standing upright, ***** pushed out, just to make them happy
but instead I get called a two-faced ***** who dresses like a ****
when all I do is smile and nod and smile some more
just so the day goes by quicker

And the worst part is, you can't leave this ******* hell
I come back to the confides of my home, to the purring of my cats
and the smell of my room and the squeek of my bed
And hell is still with me, it ******* follows me
I try and breath and step away but there it is on my screen
staring back, mocking me
and every night I ******* die a little inside because
no matter what I can't escape hell unless I'm drunk
or in a dreamless state of sleep

Pointless, yes
but after this
I swear to you
I'll ween you off your mothers breast
and cut the strings that keep you here
and drive until the path we took is no longer there
Once we're lost
We are saved

The continuous rise and fall of his chest
synchronized to my heartbeat.
My head, gently cushioned
between his collarbone and shoulder blade.
Our body temperatures reaching common ground;
I have slowly melted into your skin
past your entangled veins and nerve endings,
straight into your bones;

Force a grin and agree as
blood trickles off my teeth
then break my word with cold blades.

Trace the rugged path anxiety leaves
up and down my patterned skin
the ****** monster leaves me warm and wanting more

Sunkissed brown stretched across

my deepest desire;

But soon I will be counting

one, two, three

pointy white

protruding trophies.

In my hand I hold your heart
the cold rock you left me
after the punches were swung
and the blood was wiped off our skin

In my pocket I carry
the ring you gave me
when you promised me tomorrow
and failed to follow through

Yet in my room the only light that shines
is his, for me, with love
And my dreams are filled with sounds
of wedding bells and baby rattles;

I'm scared that this will end
our smiles fading, skin bleeding,
And you leaving me visible broken promises
that I carry burdened

Finger tips
softly tracing heart beats
Slowly dragging me deep
Into a world I don't deserve

Head slipping underneath
Lungs filling quickly
Possibilities

A single sentence
That's all it took for my heart to stop
A single insignificant moment in your life
That has ripped my heart in two
And now I choose
Him or you
Him or you

Their minds refuse to pace themselves
Their hearts refuse to wait
Their faces split in twos one day
Their souls once pure do taint

Their goals will slip
Their dreams do shake
Their honesty no longer exists
Their lying
Their cheating
Their struggle for power
Their need for attention from anyone

Their morals have changed for the worst
Their pants have turned to mini skirts
Their study dates turn to bush bashes
Their 'never shall I ever's' turn to 'always'

They all turn into the things
They swore they would never be
Once they go through high school

I open my eyes and there you are
I close my eyes and there he is
I open again and you look scared
I close them tight and he smiles back

His soft remarks, my soft reply
Your tender hands, my loving sigh
His questioning stares as to why I never smile
Your lack of interest in someone else's problems

His love for her
Your love for me
My heart has split in two

I didn't mind the headache,
or the weakness in my stomach
when I opened my eyes this morning.
All that mattered was his hands caressing my sides,
down past my thighs;
His crooked half smile that made my heart swim;
His huge arms as they pulled me into him,
his determination to make sure there was no space between us;
His breathing as he slowly fell back to sleep,
and his soft whispers in my ear
as I drifted further into unconsciousness.
He
He is the one for me.

Hello stranger, masked friend
Come to watch me sleep again?
Walk behind my shadow
falling down onto the pavement, hard
Footsteps crashing down, hard.
Head snapping backwards as you reach and ****** my hair, hard
Crying as you pull me down the street,
knees scraped,
knees bleed,
feet stumble,
hands fumble,
head spinning,
you grinning,
me screaming,
down the street into the dark.

My dreams are slowly crashing down
towards the bullseye on my head;
I don’t want to face reality,
I don’t want to face tomorrow.

Il est a moi,
Il n'est pas.
Il est ma vie,
Il va surement etre mon deces.
Il me fait sourire tant que je suis pres,
Il me fait sourire tant qu'elle ne l'est pas.
Ma tete c'est quoi ne pas faire,
Mon coeur c'est seulement ce qui pourrait etre.

I seek you angel of death;
Breath down my spine,
taint my soul with your tongue.
Steal my final breath and relieve me of this burden;
Open my eyes to your world.

This sickness shall grow
As each stroke hits the canvas
I'll paint the sink red

It’s there
Under all the scar tissue and bones,
the blood and muscles,
there lies something that has its own mind.
It overpowers your brain,
sends shock-waves down your spine,
and in the end, controls you.
No matter what you’ve experienced,
no matter what you know is ‘best’,
it only takes a single glance for your heart to go mad and turn against you
Love is cruel,
love is careless,
love is blind;