I love you honey bunny
he says as if Jules is a seat ahead of us
with a gun pointed straight at his nuts.
Then you have Dylan making your throat red raw
before the words have even slipped off your tongue.
The jump from teenage delinquency to normal relations
was harder than I thought after all.
Olivia's paranoia ensues on to the next golden boy
and Jill's left ****** is the only joy I feel I bring to the table.
Every tacky horoscope site tells me you and I are simpatico
my head on the other hand is knee deep in delusions
of fates paths ruined and fates paths missed on both ends.
I've foolishly given you my all
and I foolishly anticipate the fall.

A weekend away
yet, one secular moment
will forever stay

Am I what you wanted
or just what was there when fates door opened
was I desired
or the only one willing to fill the void
have I opened myself
to just another man who wanted so much more
am I just a settlement
until another one decides what you're good for

Close your eyes she says
you're walking down a street you barely recognize
suddenly in the distance you see that old maple tree
your mother used to carve your heights into
and the yellow brick devoured by beautiful ivy
that's now taller than you ever could have imagined.
The bright red door invites you inside,
you're stepping on the floor he laid,
out the corner of your eye you see the fireplace he built from scratch
she beckons you to look past that and go forward
up the winding staircase
first door on your left once you reach the top step.

Inside you expect to find your bedroom at age five
but all I see is an old bed with stuffed animals strewn across it.
I grab one, take a seat on the floor
and wait for him to come bursting through the door
to scoop me up in his big arms and promise me
that he isn't going anywhere again.
I wait.
I wait.
I wait for a moment I know will never come
unless I keep my eyes shut.

There's this room
old wooden floors that creak in certain spots unless you're real careful
to tiptoe over the strewn clothes I never got around to hanging up
brick walls with several holes from nailed up paintings I was proud of
a window from floor to ceiling that overlooks the busy city street
that lets all of the winter air in and magnifies the summer sun
and a king sized mattress with the bed sheets half hanging off
you're still half naked, fast asleep under what sheets are left
I walk through and see the typewriter on the floor surrounded by
pages covered in red and black ink from the nights before
boxes of undeveloped film canisters at the foot of that king sized bed
a couple of empty mugs with the tea bag still clung to the bottom;
I hit a creak, you roll onto your back and give me that half dead smile.


I open my eyes

Friday night apartment visits dressed in bed sheets
with safety pins scraping against bare backs
center stage: the hookah, the piles of *****,
and always you
this is where it all began I think, pointing to a wall, a floor
I pour another drink, the floodgates fail
I can no longer stare and bite my tongue like before
the words spew out one by one

shutup
I love you
I'm going to get that ******* main floor apartment downtown and
it'd be so ******* rad if I woke up to you every morning
and I could write about how we ****** six times before class and
how your eyes were a new shade of green on October 14th and
how I think sometimes you aren't actually real or
how I think you made a huge mistake picking me
another shot

shutup
I love you
I just wish I was a dancer and yes I'm crying about it
because the way you make me feel can't even be put into words
let alone on paper
I just want to writhe around a room for half an hour
and show you how my mind feels on saturday afternoons in your arms
oh why can't my body do the talking for once
another shot

shutup
I love you
Lets just spend the rest of tomorrow in bed, **** what I said
maybe **** me too if you want
I'd be okay with anything really lets sleep, lets stare at a wall
lets talk about our dreams and how I didn't see you coming at all
just give me something good to write about
once I somehow manage to get away from you and back home

shutup
I love you
don't let me go back home

If you could just stop moving and talking
so I can stare in your eyes and finally
have that moment to soak up the fact
that I finally did something right in my life
that'd be great.