It hurts...
Like a stabbed wound being punctured with nails.
Stop hurting me.
Why??
I ask.
Why must I suffer in silence like this.
I sometimes wonder if my loneliness shows on the outside.
The way I shake and quiver on the inside.
Burnt to pieces.
Torn apart and bruised.
Broken.
Lost in the abyss.
The torturous darkness of emptiness and pain.
It hurts.
Stop.
I don't want to be this lonely.

Alone, lost.
Forbidden.
Trapped in financial constraints.
Stuck in bed.
No hope left.
Don't really care anymore.
Bored, drained, flat out.
Done.
I'm going to be alone forever.
This is what I get for being a good person.
Cutting everyone I can't trust off.
There's no one left.
I'm left here to rot.
Ridiculed.
I want to die

And just like that, as quick as the fire burns, it burns out.
I'm already over it.
You no longer consume me, or burden my thoughts.
I am free.
No one on my mind.
It only took a few days and I'm completely over it.
I feel indifferent, no emotions or validation towards it.
Focusing on myself, my health, my money, my body.
Self love and value at its finest.
Whos knows if we will ever speak again.
Honestly, I don't care.
I'm just living my life.

I'm bored, I'm confused, I'm depressed.
I'm in my head and it's creating all types of illusions and disillusionment.
I am perplexed and stuck between many contradictory thoughts.
I am over analyzing, over thinking, and completely consumed by this.
It's painful, I'm in dread.
But I don't want this to be over between us.
It's a painful ending but its temporary.
Boredom leads to many conflictions, resulting in destruction.
I have nothing to distract myself from you.
I'm ****** analyzing, fantasizing, and completely taken out of reality.
Maybe if I had something to do it would be a different story.
Work is slow, they haven't called me back as yet.
I've been sitting at home trying to save money.
I've been bored out of my mind.
Depressed and isolated.
No will or drive to do anything but sit in bed and cry waterfalls.
I am completely hurt and in pain.
All by overthinking.
I just want to do nothing but sleep.
I have no will do to anything else.
I am gloomy, sulky, ridiculed.
I shouldn't be overthinking you or this situation but I am.
I can't control it.
I am stuck in my room 24/7.
No will to go out.
No one to see.
I dont really have any friends.
I am a loner.
I cut people off for valid reasons so I basically have no one left.
No one to talk to.
Maybe this deep connection between us is comforting to me because you the person I can talk to about anything and you always understand.
I see through you.
I feel you at a subconscious level.
I feel your soul, your depth, your emotions.
And I don't just feel this way about anyone.
And it's been years, as stated in my last poem.
So all of these feelings are coming up to the surface again and I don't know how to deal with them.
Maybe I'm just craving your physical presence.
I am so alone and you completely see me for me.
No one else ever did.
But you do.
**** I can go on writing about you Tim, but I shouldn't.
A heart of glass starstruck by your magnitude.
I am in awe.
And I want to be with you.
It isn't over between us.

The chance to show how talented I actually am.
The chance to perform on stage.
The chance to be on TV.
The chance to dance in music videos.
The chance to be in magazines covered in poise.
The chance to win an award, a Grammy.
The chance to get my trophy 🏆
It's more about the passions I have, and about me wanting to perform those passions, in dramatic visuals.
Making the stage light up when my feet take steps, making the people scream to the centre of attention I bring.
THE CHANCE TO SHOWCASE MYSELF AND MY PASSIONS TO THE WORLD.
That's all I ever wanted...

Thoughts are consumed...
Raptured in the memory.
Emotions are intense, I feel them at the highest of my capabilities.
I want to to cry, but drowning in black blood is not what I intentionally have in mind.
I get consumed, by every guy I am with.
Hookup, relationships, flings.
I can't control it.
And it overtakes my whole being until I have to force myself to detach from it.
This new guy, that I want to be with, forever.
I'm already overthinking and analyzing it way into the future where it shouldn't even be.
It's long distance, and we communicate over the phone 24/7.
But it's not enough, I want him here, I want him now.
The anticipation is building, the tower is forming, I don't want it to collapse.
I want him now!
He's only moving here in April.
I'd have to wait this long just to see the love of my life.
In sadness and gloom, I ponder.
Boredom strikes and I have no one to talk to.

I cut the friends with benefits off, I realized the energy was toxic and it wasn't going to be good for me in the long run.
However, I was completely consumed by him too.
At least I'm over it now, but now this other guy stays on my mind like it's last drainage of blood left.
It's like my mind needs to have men on it, or if it's doesn't, it stays and dwells in endless boredom that leads to a dark depression.
Feelings are deep, the waves hit the rocks in the black ocean.
I see nothing but him.
I only want to be with him.
But I say this about every guy I'm with, so what makes this one any different?

EMOTIONS AS DARK AS THE DEATH OF TORTUROUS BODIES AND WALL SCRATCHING.
A SURGE OF PAIN INFLICTION AND HEAVY TOXICITY, FAINTEST TO THE TOUCH.
I FEEL MY MIND LURKING, IN PLACES WHERE THEY SHOULDN'T BE.

We agreed that this relationship with one another will be polyamorous.
Yet, I'm getting jealous, possessive thoughts at the sight of him with anyone else but me.
I literally only want to use other guys as a pitiful distraction, nothing more, nothing less.
This is painful.

I want to...
Stop thinking.
Switch my mind off.
My senseless thoughts, consumed by thoughts of him.
I don't know if we're good for each other...
I don't think I care.
I miss him, I want to see him again.
This connection, it's strange.
I have no concord on what to think about it.
But I can't stop thinking about him.
Thinking about all the red flags.
Thinking about what might happen.
Fears, worries, anxieties.
Bad memories from the past creeping in.
"What if he ends up doing those same things to me"
What if my past pops up in the form of him.
What if he hurts me.
I'm scared.
Should I ghost him and never talk to him again?
Complexities reaching higher levels.
My minds not at ease.
Stop, please.