I'm bored, I'm confused, I'm depressed.
I'm in my head and it's creating all types of illusions and disillusionment.
I am perplexed and stuck between many contradictory thoughts.
I am over analyzing, over thinking, and completely consumed by this.
It's painful, I'm in dread.
But I don't want this to be over between us.
It's a painful ending but its temporary.
Boredom leads to many conflictions, resulting in destruction.
I have nothing to distract myself from you.
I'm ****** analyzing, fantasizing, and completely taken out of reality.
Maybe if I had something to do it would be a different story.
Work is slow, they haven't called me back as yet.
I've been sitting at home trying to save money.
I've been bored out of my mind.
Depressed and isolated.
No will or drive to do anything but sit in bed and cry waterfalls.
I am completely hurt and in pain.
All by overthinking.
I just want to do nothing but sleep.
I have no will do to anything else.
I am gloomy, sulky, ridiculed.
I shouldn't be overthinking you or this situation but I am.
I can't control it.
I am stuck in my room 24/7.
No will to go out.
No one to see.
I dont really have any friends.
I am a loner.
I cut people off for valid reasons so I basically have no one left.
No one to talk to.
Maybe this deep connection between us is comforting to me because you the person I can talk to about anything and you always understand.
I see through you.
I feel you at a subconscious level.
I feel your soul, your depth, your emotions.
And I don't just feel this way about anyone.
And it's been years, as stated in my last poem.
So all of these feelings are coming up to the surface again and I don't know how to deal with them.
Maybe I'm just craving your physical presence.
I am so alone and you completely see me for me.
No one else ever did.
But you do.
**** I can go on writing about you Tim, but I shouldn't.
A heart of glass starstruck by your magnitude.
I am in awe.
And I want to be with you.
It isn't over between us.

The chance to show how talented I actually am.
The chance to perform on stage.
The chance to be on TV.
The chance to dance in music videos.
The chance to be in magazines covered in poise.
The chance to win an award, a Grammy.
The chance to get my trophy 🏆
It's more about the passions I have, and about me wanting to perform those passions, in dramatic visuals.
Making the stage light up when my feet take steps, making the people scream to the centre of attention I bring.
THE CHANCE TO SHOWCASE MYSELF AND MY PASSIONS TO THE WORLD.
That's all I ever wanted...

Thoughts are consumed...
Raptured in the memory.
Emotions are intense, I feel them at the highest of my capabilities.
I want to to cry, but drowning in black blood is not what I intentionally have in mind.
I get consumed, by every guy I am with.
Hookup, relationships, flings.
I can't control it.
And it overtakes my whole being until I have to force myself to detach from it.
This new guy, that I want to be with, forever.
I'm already overthinking and analyzing it way into the future where it shouldn't even be.
It's long distance, and we communicate over the phone 24/7.
But it's not enough, I want him here, I want him now.
The anticipation is building, the tower is forming, I don't want it to collapse.
I want him now!
He's only moving here in April.
I'd have to wait this long just to see the love of my life.
In sadness and gloom, I ponder.
Boredom strikes and I have no one to talk to.

I cut the friends with benefits off, I realized the energy was toxic and it wasn't going to be good for me in the long run.
However, I was completely consumed by him too.
At least I'm over it now, but now this other guy stays on my mind like it's last drainage of blood left.
It's like my mind needs to have men on it, or if it's doesn't, it stays and dwells in endless boredom that leads to a dark depression.
Feelings are deep, the waves hit the rocks in the black ocean.
I see nothing but him.
I only want to be with him.
But I say this about every guy I'm with, so what makes this one any different?

EMOTIONS AS DARK AS THE DEATH OF TORTUROUS BODIES AND WALL SCRATCHING.
A SURGE OF PAIN INFLICTION AND HEAVY TOXICITY, FAINTEST TO THE TOUCH.
I FEEL MY MIND LURKING, IN PLACES WHERE THEY SHOULDN'T BE.

We agreed that this relationship with one another will be polyamorous.
Yet, I'm getting jealous, possessive thoughts at the sight of him with anyone else but me.
I literally only want to use other guys as a pitiful distraction, nothing more, nothing less.
This is painful.

I want to...
Stop thinking.
Switch my mind off.
My senseless thoughts, consumed by thoughts of him.
I don't know if we're good for each other...
I don't think I care.
I miss him, I want to see him again.
This connection, it's strange.
I have no concord on what to think about it.
But I can't stop thinking about him.
Thinking about all the red flags.
Thinking about what might happen.
Fears, worries, anxieties.
Bad memories from the past creeping in.
"What if he ends up doing those same things to me"
What if my past pops up in the form of him.
What if he hurts me.
I'm scared.
Should I ghost him and never talk to him again?
Complexities reaching higher levels.
My minds not at ease.
Stop, please.

When I'm alone, the thoughts start coming in.
Darker and more seductive than ever.
Like *** and erotica is my addiction, my infatuation, my drug.
I crave it in obsolescence.
But having these thoughts are not good for me...
I Should learn my lesson, but I never do.
A friends with benefits situation will never work out.
It always leads to something one way or another.
The *** was too good.
Explosive, passionate, hot, and ****** fiery.
To have *** like that again and end up not feeling anything for each other.
That's impossible.
It will turn out to be a complicated situation.
I stay away from hookups and one night stands for this reason.
I can't help but overthink, overanalyse.
It awakens deep emotions in me that I can't escape.
I wonder if he feels the same way after the ***.
He seems to be wanting to detach from me in order to protect himself.
On the other hand, I can't have him, he's temptation that I can't resist.
This is why I hold myself back from ***.
My *** is powerful, raw, ******, and uncut.
Either way, I have a guy that I actually want to be with in the future.
I see long-term lover potential in this other guy and I can't waste that away by causing complications with the friends with benefits guy.

This is the guy I probably will end up marrying one day, I cant waste that all away on another guy that can't be with me.
I can't be with him either, I don't want to.
I want the guy I'm supposed to be with.
But the *** has me thinking otherwise.
This happens every time I have fun with a guy, it never turns out well.
Yet my desires and temptations are speaking for itself.
I want to more than ever, to **** me inside out.
Rough, and slow and magnetic as the pressure builds up.
I can't stop thinking about his ***, his ****, his mind.
It was too powerful to ignore.
I wonder if he feels the same about my ***.
I need to get this off my mind, but I merely can't resist such temptation.

I miss what I used to have.
One can say, I'm not satisfied.
I gained success and I guess I never had that before.
But the other needs are missing.
Ever since I moved to this city, everything changed.
I lost my social life, I haven't been able to make friends here.
I've been lonely.
I've been gaining wealth and financial freedom, but what's it all worth.
I feel like I have nothing, and my guts are draining from my lymphatic system.
I was struggling for 5 years before I made it to this point, at my old city.
The hustle and the bustle never stopped  and I wasn't getting anywhere.
This new city brought me opportunities I never had.
But the people never phased me.
I have no one here.
It's way too slow for me.
I need it fast.
I AM BORED.
CONSTANTLY, WHICH IS LEADING TO NERVE ACHING TENSE DEPRESSION THAT CONSUMES MY SOUL AND LEAVES IT TO RUST.
I'm excited for future , my career is going to take off and I'm going to live the life I want.
But I don't want to be alone.
Aching in misery.
Where is my person?
What is this punishment?
I feel tormented.
Ravished by my own thinking.
To the pits of hell and back.
Where I've died and become reborn, over and over.
Like a scorpion in its cave.
I have it all but its worth nothing.
And I don't want to die here in loneliness just thinking about my last days.

The loneliness still stays, lingering like a stained piece of cloth.
No one to talk to.
Just no one.
Alone and dreaded.
Disappointed and bored.
Dissatisfied and strung out in all correlations.
I feel empty, alone to the darkest pits of me.
Solitude does not feel good anymore.
Depressed and rejection.
Cold and miserable.
Nothing to help.
Get me out of here.