I want to...
Stop thinking.
Switch my mind off.
My senseless thoughts, consumed by thoughts of him.
I don't know if we're good for each other...
I don't think I care.
I miss him, I want to see him again.
This connection, it's strange.
I have no concord on what to think about it.
But I can't stop thinking about him.
Thinking about all the red flags.
Thinking about what might happen.
Fears, worries, anxieties.
Bad memories from the past creeping in.
"What if he ends up doing those same things to me"
What if my past pops up in the form of him.
What if he hurts me.
I'm scared.
Should I ghost him and never talk to him again?
Complexities reaching higher levels.
My minds not at ease.
Stop, please.

When I'm alone, the thoughts start coming in.
Darker and more seductive than ever.
Like *** and erotica is my addiction, my infatuation, my drug.
I crave it in obsolescence.
But having these thoughts are not good for me...
I Should learn my lesson, but I never do.
A friends with benefits situation will never work out.
It always leads to something one way or another.
The *** was too good.
Explosive, passionate, hot, and ****** fiery.
To have *** like that again and end up not feeling anything for each other.
That's impossible.
It will turn out to be a complicated situation.
I stay away from hookups and one night stands for this reason.
I can't help but overthink, overanalyse.
It awakens deep emotions in me that I can't escape.
I wonder if he feels the same way after the ***.
He seems to be wanting to detach from me in order to protect himself.
On the other hand, I can't have him, he's temptation that I can't resist.
This is why I hold myself back from ***.
My *** is powerful, raw, ******, and uncut.
Either way, I have a guy that I actually want to be with in the future.
I see long-term lover potential in this other guy and I can't waste that away by causing complications with the friends with benefits guy.

This is the guy I probably will end up marrying one day, I cant waste that all away on another guy that can't be with me.
I can't be with him either, I don't want to.
I want the guy I'm supposed to be with.
But the *** has me thinking otherwise.
This happens every time I have fun with a guy, it never turns out well.
Yet my desires and temptations are speaking for itself.
I want to more than ever, to **** me inside out.
Rough, and slow and magnetic as the pressure builds up.
I can't stop thinking about his ***, his ****, his mind.
It was too powerful to ignore.
I wonder if he feels the same about my ***.
I need to get this off my mind, but I merely can't resist such temptation.

I miss what I used to have.
One can say, I'm not satisfied.
I gained success and I guess I never had that before.
But the other needs are missing.
Ever since I moved to this city, everything changed.
I lost my social life, I haven't been able to make friends here.
I've been lonely.
I've been gaining wealth and financial freedom, but what's it all worth.
I feel like I have nothing, and my guts are draining from my lymphatic system.
I was struggling for 5 years before I made it to this point, at my old city.
The hustle and the bustle never stopped  and I wasn't getting anywhere.
This new city brought me opportunities I never had.
But the people never phased me.
I have no one here.
It's way too slow for me.
I need it fast.
I AM BORED.
CONSTANTLY, WHICH IS LEADING TO NERVE ACHING TENSE DEPRESSION THAT CONSUMES MY SOUL AND LEAVES IT TO RUST.
I'm excited for future , my career is going to take off and I'm going to live the life I want.
But I don't want to be alone.
Aching in misery.
Where is my person?
What is this punishment?
I feel tormented.
Ravished by my own thinking.
To the pits of hell and back.
Where I've died and become reborn, over and over.
Like a scorpion in its cave.
I have it all but its worth nothing.
And I don't want to die here in loneliness just thinking about my last days.

The loneliness still stays, lingering like a stained piece of cloth.
No one to talk to.
Just no one.
Alone and dreaded.
Disappointed and bored.
Dissatisfied and strung out in all correlations.
I feel empty, alone to the darkest pits of me.
Solitude does not feel good anymore.
Depressed and rejection.
Cold and miserable.
Nothing to help.
Get me out of here.

Deeply ridden, ached by the tension.
As the wind blows so elegantly, shifting in dimensional proximity, I feel the yearnings and pull of what is lost and what it is I need.
Fantasizing until my imagination is knotted in the loophole.
I hit a gentle fall, a wave of melancholic nostalgia.
My words have slowly puzzled itself.
I cannot seem to express what is really ******* inside.
My depth is no longer to be heard or seen.
The bright light hits my eyes, burning at the glare.
I write in senseless disposition.
Trying to reposition.
Sexually repressed.
Wanting the intimacy and craving *** like my nerves have exploded.
But my heart, it stops me.
My mind, it controls me.
My yearning of what I truly want Disciplines my desires.
Contradictions at stake.
My earth is about to quake.

A light so bright, I burn at a height.
A fire raging inside with a passion to fight.
I feel the flames, ignite as I let myself be free, from this cage.
Untamed, unhinged, a warrior, the battle within.
Every scar, every stitch, every sting...
It tortured me, wounded me, yet I am still burning.
However, I feel the loneliness still.
I still wish I had someone, to love.
Intimacy I crave, deep emotion, a love so purely impure it could burn the shadows.

My passion and fire within, it needs someone to burn with.
Or am I to be alone?

A light so bright, I burn the shadows.
Yet, she's fighting alone.
Conquering alone.

Where is my love?

My past, a faint memory I subconsciously hold onto.
Letting it all go, but still in the midst of moving on from painful memories and connections that at one stage buried me six feet deep.
I still hear the calls of the voices, the intricate echoing beneath the endless silence.
As if moving on is more of a task, then the road to actual happiness.
The person I am now, too strong to even let a man in, even though it's love that I deeply crave.
Too in control to let go of the hold, the grip.
Too in charge to let someone else lead the way.
I can't ever imagine it.
Letting myself be loved and touched again.
It's been a decade.
I've been alone to the point of comfort.
A sense of peace.
Over a year, and I'm celibate and independent.
A man is she and a woman she looks like.
I'm scared to give my control away.
I've worked too hard.
But it's love that I crave, and these deep feelings from the past still taunt me.
No friends, just mere acquaintances.
Too scared to take that risk with people.
Moving on, but still holding.