My thoughts, are just thoughts.
Coming and going as they please.
Fragmented, I am broken down in tease.
Too scared to take the risk.
Not enough money to go out and see people.
Its expensive, just for company.
Locked in my palace of solace and despair.
I surrender to what I am hiding from the world.
Keeping all connections online.
Staying as isolated one can get.
Scared to take the risk.
Put myself out there.
Guarded.

Laying around, intensely in my mystery.
Isolated and all by myself.
Alone, keeping my distance.
Depressed and saddened.
Anguished by my own thoughts.
People, nosy people in my energy.
I can feel it like a ***** of my finger and the rush of blood through my veins.
Childsplay, like flies in my spider web.
They love to talk about me, good and bad.
They love to be obsessed with me and give me their power.
They love to talk, gossip.
Petty little flies.
Smash them, and let me have my privacy, my secrecy and my thoughts to myself.
Expressing myself out loud but not feeling safe in my private lonesome space.
Toxic, negative, indifferent.
THEY OBSESSED WITH ME.
MAKING ME EVEN MORE POWERFUL THAN I ALREADY AM.
Intuition on high alert and picking up on things around me like a cat.
I can feel it, see it, hear it.
The peasantry lurks, yet, they can't break me, it's sad, ain't it.

I want to feel, the rapture, the tear, the motion ripped apart and split into two.
I want to feel the divulgence of my thoughts, fears, emotions, and hidden agendas cascaded into yours.
The coming together of two, where sin begins and shadows dare not lurk into the love, the eroticism created.
A master, a Genius, a creator.
Where you and I will write our stories for many to see, before and beyond mankind.
Unveil my thoughts and open my desires.
Dark red blood wine, dripping down my lips as I write.
Lips as succulent as Thorned roses.
One bite, you might just fall, but dare not to sink deeper because of the hidden treasures that lurk beneath.
Like a tornado, a rush of the wind and the strike of a breeze.
But as still as the mountains we climb.
Honey, I'm on fire and I'm waiting for you to burn in my dungeon, alive, and eternal.
My legs quake, quiver, I drip of sensual wetness.
My dreams of only holding you close and wanting more
Intoxicating, I am drenched.
Open the treasure, and take what you deserve, if it's me that you worked and earned for.
Kiss me, daddy, I want to feel my heart explode.
Where my mind asks for more.

In a state of nerve aching despair.
My surrounding has me paranoid 24/7
THEY WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE.
THEY WON'T SHUT OUT.
THEY WON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT ME, GOSSIPING, AND PRYING INTO MY LIFE AND PRIVACY.
THEY TOOK MY PRIVACY AWAY.
THEY WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE.
I try so hard everyday to block it out, and stop them.
I try so hard to detach my energy, keep my distance from these narcissists.
Insecure ******' enemies watching my every move.
I can't just live, I can't just exist, I can't get any peace.

I want to sleep forever, so I never hear it.
I want to move out!!
I HATE THIS ENVIRONMENT
They won't leave me alone.

There is nowhere to go.
Stuck in frozen anguish, no help, no way out.
Depressed, angry, bitter.
On this motionless turmoil of pain and suffering.
I feel projected on.
They bring out my worst.
I constantly need to protect myself.
These demons, these scoundrel's.

Drained and drowned out.
I have become nothing.

I don't need to be.
I don't need to be anything.
The daunting presence, the inner world.
The shadow, the darkest and rawest form of oneself.
I seem I have not yet uncovered everything I know.
Depressed, unknown to why.
Purging uncontrollably.
Facing myself again.
My inner world.
The dark side in its rawest form.
Everything I am, what I did.
The spite, the resent, the bad things I did to people, unintentionally, out of anger, revenge, hurt, fear.
Yet, I judge others.
How crude of me.
Self-aware but nihilistic.
I've hit a dark place in my mind.
Swimming in deep, deep down.
Am I a bad person?

Maybe...
It was something I have waited for, for years, maybe even lifetimes.
Contemplating.
I have unwavering thoughts.
Reaching a state of consciousness, higher than before.
Trying to grasp hold, to take it into my hands.
Cannot seem to get it, yet.
I am not surprised, nor astonished.
I am not wildly inspired either.
The information, the clarity, the vision.
I need the facts.
Something needs to be shown to me regarding my family, even though my intuition already knows it.

Push and pull, the romantic union.
It's already here.
But it hasn't knocked on my door, as yet.
I can feel it.
I can sense it.
It's waiting for me to take the leap.

I wish I knew...
Knew what to do next.
The only thing I want to do is cry.
Stuck in the deepest wet mud like a serpent shedding its own skin and only waiting to see what's next.
I'm lost, but my philosophy is, all explorers get lost, don't they?
With constant transformations and changes, I struggle to adapt to my own lifestyle.
It all happens so fast, in the blink of an eye, without slow motion effects.
Anticipated, deprecated, impatient.
Waiting in pain, like a poisonous snake bite eating you up inside.
Waiting for the venom to be ****** out.
Consuming to every part of my being, like being stuck in a prison is underestimated.
This is worse...
This is skin prickling and soul shackling like shapes are out of order and the world is inside out.

I felt happiness, once.
When I got out and got some help.
Loved, supported, understood, not judged, accepted.
I was there for two weeks.
The depressing thoughts kept hitting me; ****, I still need to go back home.
I HATE IT THERE
THE ANXIETY, NERVES, AND ANGER CAME IN.

I'm never happy when I'm here.
I'm stuck in a spiraling tower like a dark Rapunzel cut her hair and had no way down.
Optimistic, faith, positive, I still find a way to keep grounding, yet, I'm the hero of my own story.
The only way out is through me, I need to make the change and get out ASAP.
YET, external situations have me trapped, it's out of my control.
I have no choice but to wait, no matter how hard I try to make things happen, it's just not happening.
I am my own hero, I fight my own battles, and win them every time, but somehow I can't win this one.
It requires a sense of patience and stagnancy that I cannot handle or tolerate.

Short-term fixes are my only solutions but that's left me broke and caged in more.
Zero impulse control, I can't help it.
I want out, I need my financial freedom.
I can't do this anymore.
Contradicted, rehabilitated, bored, and lack of full freedom.