I wish I knew...
Knew what to do next.
The only thing I want to do is cry.
Stuck in the deepest wet mud like a serpent shedding its own skin and only waiting to see what's next.
I'm lost, but my philosophy is, all explorers get lost, don't they?
With constant transformations and changes, I struggle to adapt to my own lifestyle.
It all happens so fast, in the blink of an eye, without slow motion effects.
Anticipated, deprecated, impatient.
Waiting in pain, like a poisonous snake bite eating you up inside.
Waiting for the venom to be ****** out.
Consuming to every part of my being, like being stuck in a prison is underestimated.
This is worse...
This is skin prickling and soul shackling like shapes are out of order and the world is inside out.

I felt happiness, once.
When I got out and got some help.
Loved, supported, understood, not judged, accepted.
I was there for two weeks.
The depressing thoughts kept hitting me; ****, I still need to go back home.
I HATE IT THERE
THE ANXIETY, NERVES, AND ANGER CAME IN.

I'm never happy when I'm here.
I'm stuck in a spiraling tower like a dark Rapunzel cut her hair and had no way down.
Optimistic, faith, positive, I still find a way to keep grounding, yet, I'm the hero of my own story.
The only way out is through me, I need to make the change and get out ASAP.
YET, external situations have me trapped, it's out of my control.
I have no choice but to wait, no matter how hard I try to make things happen, it's just not happening.
I am my own hero, I fight my own battles, and win them every time, but somehow I can't win this one.
It requires a sense of patience and stagnancy that I cannot handle or tolerate.

Short-term fixes are my only solutions but that's left me broke and caged in more.
Zero impulse control, I can't help it.
I want out, I need my financial freedom.
I can't do this anymore.
Contradicted, rehabilitated, bored, and lack of full freedom.

I don't even have the words to express.
I think about you constantly, without even trying to.
You fill my thoughts with these experiences that I can't seem to get a hold of.
I want to hold you, kiss you, feel you penetrating deeply.
The love I have for you is unimaginable, it's not something even I can comprehend.
This connection, like a strong magnetic pull that burns every muscle in me.

When will I see you again?
Where are you?
You in my thoughts, manifesting me.
This intense pull of entrancing enigma.
It is to burn me to my grave.

Come to me now ❤️

Trapped in my own dungeon of despair.
My insides have ruptured and my thoughts have exploded.
Looking into a morbid tunnel that leads to deception, pain, lies, betrayal, disloyalty, and distrust.
I bleed profusely ripped open with nothing left but agony rippling through my nerves like my limbs have been removed and hung on the dry lands to be eaten by the rotten humans.

I try to protect what I have, dear to me.
My heart, my soul, my peace.
But those around me only want to take it away.
Like vultures looking for the last drop of something they don't have.
In my deep privacy, they lurk with widened eyes and ***** mouths waiting for the next bomb to explode into fire🔥

Stomach is growling, my voice deepened.
I plunge into rage.
Impulse on ten, not a drop of remorse.
Wasteless creatures that taunt my rippling despair.
Leave, I don't want to ****

I'm screaming to get out.
Dying to be set free.
Stuck in a place where people are out to get me.
Stuck in a negative and toxic household.
Nowhere to run, my feet are itching but glued.
People surrounding me are not for me.
My people are out there, somewhere.
LOST, CONFUSED.
I just finished repeating highschool as an adult, but I am scared I did not pass.
I am waiting for results so I can finally get a job and gain stable financial independence.
I have been waiting for my breakthrough for years.
I am lost and alone, fighting for a cause only I seem to care about, going about on my YouTube channel.
People around me are shallow, ignorant, and hate my truth.
They are not my cup of tea.
I want my soul tribe, the people who understand me for me.
Being authentic and original is my second nature.
If they can't accept me for me, then why do they still obsess over, and admire me?

Copycats and fake narcissists can't break me, I have worked too hard and built up way too much strength to let anyone take that away.

Hate me?
Then stop trying to clone me.

The minds gateway to experience life and the unknown.
Without thought, we are dared not to explore what our minds create.
We invest our time in knowledge and mind expansion.
Yet, we know nothing, or wish we knew more.
I wish to write in more clear accuracy, but to think is to explore.
What are we speaking or writing if we haven't experienced what we are teaching.
The less I know, the more I absorb.
A mental sponge, excreting information like I breathe.
It's a bliss but a curse all at once.
The mental dungeon ties me in my own ropes, the addiction is all habitual and in my mind.
What are we without it?
Who are we if our thoughts don't create our physical and our perceptions.
Our thoughts, our soul, our words, we speak millions, yet, we don't know enough.
Curiosity freed the cat, or we wish it did.

Running thoughts rummaging in chaos.
High alert and low activation.
Instability and confusion in confliction.
I write with uneasiness.
Leave me alone, give me a break.
Let me be.
*******.
I've done enough.
I need a break.
Something to help me get away.
These toxic energies that surround me.
Draining to my every capability.
I need to get away.
I need a friend, someone who will be there.
Someone to get away with, run away from everything.
I've had enough.
Negative people and draining energies.
Get me out of this environment.
It's not good for me.
I need to get out of this chaos, to find peace, love.
Rummaging thoughts and conflicting chaos.
Help me escape this mess.
Toxic to my every being.
My nerves on high.
Panic attacks and anxiety every **** day.
I can't breathe anymore.
Unstable and flighty and constantly fighting with myself.
Up down up down my emotions are running.
On this rollercoaster, I don't feel at ease.
I am not balanced or grounded.
From one extreme to the other, I cannot find the middle.
Overthinking and over-analyzing until my brain explodes.
Black and white, where my complexities stay distracted and contradicted.
I can't sit down and breathe.
Too much going on, too much on my mind.
Set me free, I cannot take this lightly.
I am going off the train track.

I've been, at a loss for words.
Drowned profusely in my own fears, nightmares, horrors and blockages of my own.
Scared to take the first step, confused and in a state of loss and emptiness.
Scared to put myself out there.
I've been, hateful, judgmental, bitter, spiteful.
I lost motivation.
I don't know what I want to do with my life, with myself.
I've started to hate men to the core and I turned into a bitter self sabotaging demon.
I deleted my online poetry book because I was getting no money for it from my bank, because of currency fees.
I have no idea what to do next once I complete my studies.
I am at a loss for words.
I feel empty, bitter, lonely, and full of misery.
I don't want to see people or leave the house.
I don't want to deal with people.
I don't want to talk to anyone about my issues, it's pointless, it won't change how I feel.
I have a hatred towards people.
Something inside of  me that I cannot control.
My pride, my ego.
It's trying to protect me, keep me safe.
I don't ever want to get hurt again.
I don't ever want to be betrayed again.
Protecting myself so strongly that I don't even have any friends.
Instead, I judge everyone else and beckon everyone to be fake and false.
I am in my own cage, my own feelings, my own darkness.
And I am too scared to get out