The minds gateway to experience life and the unknown.
Without thought, we are dared not to explore what our minds create.
We invest our time in knowledge and mind expansion.
Yet, we know nothing, or wish we knew more.
I wish to write in more clear accuracy, but to think is to explore.
What are we speaking or writing if we haven't experienced what we are teaching.
The less I know, the more I absorb.
A mental sponge, excreting information like I breathe.
It's a bliss but a curse all at once.
The mental dungeon ties me in my own ropes, the addiction is all habitual and in my mind.
What are we without it?
Who are we if our thoughts don't create our physical and our perceptions.
Our thoughts, our soul, our words, we speak millions, yet, we don't know enough.
Curiosity freed the cat, or we wish it did.

Running thoughts rummaging in chaos.
High alert and low activation.
Instability and confusion in confliction.
I write with uneasiness.
Leave me alone, give me a break.
Let me be.
*******.
I've done enough.
I need a break.
Something to help me get away.
These toxic energies that surround me.
Draining to my every capability.
I need to get away.
I need a friend, someone who will be there.
Someone to get away with, run away from everything.
I've had enough.
Negative people and draining energies.
Get me out of this environment.
It's not good for me.
I need to get out of this chaos, to find peace, love.
Rummaging thoughts and conflicting chaos.
Help me escape this mess.
Toxic to my every being.
My nerves on high.
Panic attacks and anxiety every **** day.
I can't breathe anymore.
Unstable and flighty and constantly fighting with myself.
Up down up down my emotions are running.
On this rollercoaster, I don't feel at ease.
I am not balanced or grounded.
From one extreme to the other, I cannot find the middle.
Overthinking and over-analyzing until my brain explodes.
Black and white, where my complexities stay distracted and contradicted.
I can't sit down and breathe.
Too much going on, too much on my mind.
Set me free, I cannot take this lightly.
I am going off the train track.

I've been, at a loss for words.
Drowned profusely in my own fears, nightmares, horrors and blockages of my own.
Scared to take the first step, confused and in a state of loss and emptiness.
Scared to put myself out there.
I've been, hateful, judgmental, bitter, spiteful.
I lost motivation.
I don't know what I want to do with my life, with myself.
I've started to hate men to the core and I turned into a bitter self sabotaging demon.
I deleted my online poetry book because I was getting no money for it from my bank, because of currency fees.
I have no idea what to do next once I complete my studies.
I am at a loss for words.
I feel empty, bitter, lonely, and full of misery.
I don't want to see people or leave the house.
I don't want to deal with people.
I don't want to talk to anyone about my issues, it's pointless, it won't change how I feel.
I have a hatred towards people.
Something inside of  me that I cannot control.
My pride, my ego.
It's trying to protect me, keep me safe.
I don't ever want to get hurt again.
I don't ever want to be betrayed again.
Protecting myself so strongly that I don't even have any friends.
Instead, I judge everyone else and beckon everyone to be fake and false.
I am in my own cage, my own feelings, my own darkness.
And I am too scared to get out

You ask, what I really want in life?
You ask, would I fail without your manipulative support?
You ask, why am I always alone and never around people.

My multi-adaptive perplexed nature has me cloning others and absorbing energies that are not my own.
Unintentional, I try to keep a distance.
Yet, before I know it, I'm already drained to my fullest capacity.
An introverted social butterfly that craves solitude, comfort, intellectual and spiritual stimulation.
Maybe a knowledgeable conversation on the gravitational force of space and the entire universe reaching its end in a over a trillion years to come.
Maybe a deep topic on emotions and music and how different musicians came to having their own unique sound.
The flow of dust particles and dark matter in the silence of sound and time itself.
The poets and artists whom speak for themselves.
The depth that no one cares to understand or know.
The darkness that scares everyone.
I want to cry, express this dread and exhaustion that I am feeling.
An empath, logical and sensible.
Introversion and a mind of wild intellect and diversity in many things, formulas, and theories of my own.
Why do we dream to die and not dare to explore the places that daunt us?
What are we scared of?
The only person you run away from is yourself.
Face it, and stop rummaging into the facade of others.
Just because most people are afraid of being authentically themselves, why should you?
Be you, enlighten those who are dying to speak their own truth.

Trapped in my mind, lost in confusion, conflicted by chaos, denoted by the mental crisis.
I stand in fear, but not willing to be taken down.
I express the most, and keep the rest hidden, locked away.
I know what I know, the knowledge is my strength and my weakness.
Testing my own abilities on a blank page where thoughts manifest and co-create.
I am not you, neither I am really me.
I am not wise, merely experienced and thirsty to know more.

I am defeated by desire.
The desire to love.
I am high strung and nervous in the rummaging crowds of senseless energies draining my sense of being.
Informative, yet discreet.
Do I need not say more?
Speak but don't talk.
Then what is point of verbal expression if they constantly silent you.
For I only know what my mind absorbs.
Curiosity and quick intellect.
Not an academic, don't need to be.
My mind is my weapon, my greatest strength.
For it only requires knowledge.

They say, I have a beautiful mind.
I say, I explain the information I find.
Excrete and discrete.
The mental messenger of a deranged intellect and a spiritual soul.
Do I need not to say more.

Express yourself, it is the only way.
The unstable mind is the one that knows the most, and the least, all at the same time.
How can you be willing if you cannot live in open-minded intelligence.
My mind is my gift.
I love it, but sometimes I hate it.
It creates what people call interesting and smart.
It creates my life, and performing art.
I live in despair, learning to control and tame, the monkey brain.

In bed, stuck.
Limbs are numbs, I feel nothing...
Only pain surging.
A slow bolt of emotions and lonely feelings.
Oversensitive and pouring my eyes out every moment I feel my eyes get wet.
I want to do, nothing.
No will, energy lack.
Motivation is zero, I feel lethargic, tired of everything.
I ask, why must I suffer and go through this pain?
A toxic neurotic ***** for a mom, and no way out of this mess.
I say to myself, tomorrow I need to wake up and study, maybe apply for some jobs.
Nothing.
I still wake up only to go back to sleep again.
No action to strive.
Down at the bottom of the pit.
I've lost, become nothing, and want nothing.
Passion and desire all lost.
Nihilistic and no point to give a ****.
Gone.
******* all.
I want to die in this darkness.
The loneliness and exhaustion takes over.
I want to stay in bed all day.
Do nothing.
I'm dead.
Pure nihilism until my corspe begins to rot, ripened and turned to ash and soil.
Nothing but dread.
I want **** all.
I want to die.
Keeping my curtains closed, away from the sun and light.
No hope and no will.
My soul has enclosed.
I don't know what to do anymore, what I want to do anymore.
I don't want to do anything actually.
I want to just lie here, and wait to die...
Slowly, but surely.
I hate my family, I want nothing to do with those fake narcissistic spineless cowards with souls that stink of stail ****** protruding ***** 🤢
I have to money, nowhere to go.
No motivation and passion to get me going.
I am like the grinch, the joker, Harley Quinn, the raven, catwoman, and a lion all in one.
However, now I am nothing.
Not even human.
Not even breathing.
All I want is someone to connect with deeply.
I've been alone for so long I don't even know how to get attached to anyone.
I stay completely detached and alienated.
Completely isolated and away from people.
People only make me feel more lonely.
I only want that one person who understands.
I don't want worthless fools of Shallow ****** people to even try to understand me.
I like to be not understood.
How can you expect a big foot to fit into a small shoe?
It never will unless you break your ****** ugly toes.
Or, get a bigger size.
My point exactly.
People are so ****** obsessed with me and my energy.
I want nothing to do with any of them.
They can't help but pry, and stalk, and watch my every motive like a hawk.
It's ****** head drilling!!
Stay the **** away!!!

I only want one person, the person who is for me and only me.
I don't give a **** about anyone else

You narcissistic Shallow ***** filled with problems and no substance.
You emotionless toxic *** filled with negativity and constant manipulation.
You ignorant neurotic ***** filled with superficial intelligence and no real depth to cover it.
Manipulate me and use your money against me.
Everything you did, was by your choice.
Not mine.
It's not my problem nor my fault.
I'm living my life, not yours.
I'm not guilty for anything.
I feel nothing towards you.
All your psychological abuse is going to bite you back one day.
All you are is money, nothing more.
Nobody actually likes you or wants to be close to you, as you don't want to be to them.
I don't blame the men in your life for leaving you.
I can't even deal with your excuses and constant *******.
You are nothing, and you never will be.
I mean all I say.
I hate you and I always did.
Fix yourself or break.
The way you treat me will come back to you.
I'm not your *****, and you can't make me not say what I want to say.
You can't shut me down in your narrow mind.
So *******, and let me be.
You project constantly and use me as your dart board, with no real obligation.
Everything is by law or by the book, like you have no actual imagination or real intellect.
You narrow minded empty ***** with no space to fill your worthless voids.
Break me down and shut me down in your problems.
Fat fake *****, pretensious as can be.
Get help.
Because all I want is you dead.