Trapped in my mind, lost in confusion, conflicted by chaos, denoted by the mental crisis.
I stand in fear, but not willing to be taken down.
I express the most, and keep the rest hidden, locked away.
I know what I know, the knowledge is my strength and my weakness.
Testing my own abilities on a blank page where thoughts manifest and co-create.
I am not you, neither I am really me.
I am not wise, merely experienced and thirsty to know more.

I am defeated by desire.
The desire to love.
I am high strung and nervous in the rummaging crowds of senseless energies draining my sense of being.
Informative, yet discreet.
Do I need not say more?
Speak but don't talk.
Then what is point of verbal expression if they constantly silent you.
For I only know what my mind absorbs.
Curiosity and quick intellect.
Not an academic, don't need to be.
My mind is my weapon, my greatest strength.
For it only requires knowledge.

They say, I have a beautiful mind.
I say, I explain the information I find.
Excrete and discrete.
The mental messenger of a deranged intellect and a spiritual soul.
Do I need not to say more.

Express yourself, it is the only way.
The unstable mind is the one that knows the most, and the least, all at the same time.
How can you be willing if you cannot live in open-minded intelligence.
My mind is my gift.
I love it, but sometimes I hate it.
It creates what people call interesting and smart.
It creates my life, and performing art.
I live in despair, learning to control and tame, the monkey brain.

In bed, stuck.
Limbs are numbs, I feel nothing...
Only pain surging.
A slow bolt of emotions and lonely feelings.
Oversensitive and pouring my eyes out every moment I feel my eyes get wet.
I want to do, nothing.
No will, energy lack.
Motivation is zero, I feel lethargic, tired of everything.
I ask, why must I suffer and go through this pain?
A toxic neurotic ***** for a mom, and no way out of this mess.
I say to myself, tomorrow I need to wake up and study, maybe apply for some jobs.
Nothing.
I still wake up only to go back to sleep again.
No action to strive.
Down at the bottom of the pit.
I've lost, become nothing, and want nothing.
Passion and desire all lost.
Nihilistic and no point to give a ****.
Gone.
******* all.
I want to die in this darkness.
The loneliness and exhaustion takes over.
I want to stay in bed all day.
Do nothing.
I'm dead.
Pure nihilism until my corspe begins to rot, ripened and turned to ash and soil.
Nothing but dread.
I want **** all.
I want to die.
Keeping my curtains closed, away from the sun and light.
No hope and no will.
My soul has enclosed.
I don't know what to do anymore, what I want to do anymore.
I don't want to do anything actually.
I want to just lie here, and wait to die...
Slowly, but surely.
I hate my family, I want nothing to do with those fake narcissistic spineless cowards with souls that stink of stail ****** protruding ***** 🤢
I have to money, nowhere to go.
No motivation and passion to get me going.
I am like the grinch, the joker, Harley Quinn, the raven, catwoman, and a lion all in one.
However, now I am nothing.
Not even human.
Not even breathing.
All I want is someone to connect with deeply.
I've been alone for so long I don't even know how to get attached to anyone.
I stay completely detached and alienated.
Completely isolated and away from people.
People only make me feel more lonely.
I only want that one person who understands.
I don't want worthless fools of Shallow ****** people to even try to understand me.
I like to be not understood.
How can you expect a big foot to fit into a small shoe?
It never will unless you break your ****** ugly toes.
Or, get a bigger size.
My point exactly.
People are so ****** obsessed with me and my energy.
I want nothing to do with any of them.
They can't help but pry, and stalk, and watch my every motive like a hawk.
It's ****** head drilling!!
Stay the **** away!!!

I only want one person, the person who is for me and only me.
I don't give a **** about anyone else

You narcissistic Shallow ***** filled with problems and no substance.
You emotionless toxic *** filled with negativity and constant manipulation.
You ignorant neurotic ***** filled with superficial intelligence and no real depth to cover it.
Manipulate me and use your money against me.
Everything you did, was by your choice.
Not mine.
It's not my problem nor my fault.
I'm living my life, not yours.
I'm not guilty for anything.
I feel nothing towards you.
All your psychological abuse is going to bite you back one day.
All you are is money, nothing more.
Nobody actually likes you or wants to be close to you, as you don't want to be to them.
I don't blame the men in your life for leaving you.
I can't even deal with your excuses and constant *******.
You are nothing, and you never will be.
I mean all I say.
I hate you and I always did.
Fix yourself or break.
The way you treat me will come back to you.
I'm not your *****, and you can't make me not say what I want to say.
You can't shut me down in your narrow mind.
So *******, and let me be.
You project constantly and use me as your dart board, with no real obligation.
Everything is by law or by the book, like you have no actual imagination or real intellect.
You narrow minded empty ***** with no space to fill your worthless voids.
Break me down and shut me down in your problems.
Fat fake *****, pretensious as can be.
Get help.
Because all I want is you dead.

I want to feel, something.
I want that feeling, of passion electrocuting through my veins.
My body on fire, my heart exploding at the seductive touch.
I want to burn, to make you earn, my love.
I want my spine to be stroked, to sensual pleasures my baby ***** evokes.
You like the touch? The feel? The plead?
The torturous waiting.
I need to be loved, I want to love.
More than the physical, where the mind and soul is touched and breathed on.
My body is screaming out, my senses are calling.
Answer.

****** nerves entrancing you to my cold wavering heart beat.
Kiss me.
I need to feel, something.
It's been a while, ****** withdrawals.
Move it slow and push me against the wall.
Cracking my back, you touch my thigh and my thoughts pull you in.
I grab the back of your neck and lean in.
Fiery as my desires lurking beneath.
Tongue flipping and earth quaking.
Do I need to say more?
Shake me and make me , scream for more.
****** my desires and spank me as I beg for more.
I need it now, I want it in me.
**** me.

Your tears, they speak of a million.
Your words, they leave me curious.
Your mind, of such miraculous intellect, I dare to question.

I love your skin and the way you speak.
I love the way your lips move.
The love that is lost, is in you.
I love your voice, releasing my emotions.
I love the thoughts I have of you.
Endlessly fantasizing, where trying to brush it off leaves me dissatisfied and bored.
I love you, near and far.

A twin flame love
We have yet again to meet.
But, the thoughts get toxic, overwhelming and draining.
I want you.
But it's killing me.
Get me out, take me away!
Stop!
It hurts when I blink.
A million lights blow out and all I see is black, all I hear is silence.
Tunnel vision is blurry.
But my thoughts still go back.
To you.
Still as the earth.
The end has come.
A new beginning awaits upon my arrival.
A vast new opening of wishes I waited for my entire life.
I deserve this.
I waited forever, I worked too hard to let it slip away.
I want you now and I want you forever.

My passions and dreams are yet to be explored.
I see myself dancing.
That's all I want to do.
I see myself doing it for the rest of my life.
I feel dead, empty, cold, sad, depressed, and desperate.
Why can't I just be a dancer?
Why can't I just be a performer?
What's stopping me?
That's all I want.
When I dream, I see it.
Stage lights up and all eyes on me.
Expressing everything through my body.
Feelings overwhelming me.
Something is blocking me.
No fancy dance school, just pure talent.
If I can't dance, nothing else in this world ****** matters.
I'd rather die before my time.
**** me now, and let me die.
Or give me the chance to live my dying wish.
Let me dance, let me perform.

And let me love you, in a million different ways.
My hearts desires calling out.
There's only two things that exist in it.
Only two things I want in this hated world.

Shallow water, streppling at my feet.
I see your eyes, glazing, as your heart beats.
Your skin changes, almost transforms into an iridescent colour spectrum of beautiful scales.
I look into your gleaming eyes, starstruck, and filled with wonder.
I try to grab hold, to touch, to feel.
But you dive back in and swim away.
I feel disheartened, but I don't fret, or take it personally.
I walk away, footsteps quaking silently on the still earth.
Blue, tranquil, soft and sensitive.
I wait upon your appearance in the darkness.
My eyes are dry, and cries are not heard.
My heart is broken.
I am starving, I haven't eaten now for days.
Your eyes had me mesmerized.
I can't go back now, especially after how entranced you made me.

My clothes are torn, and half stripped.
I have been fighting in this battlefield alone.
All the men have been killed.
I managed, I didn't back down.
They were after your power, your magic.
I had to get rid of them so they wouldn't take you.
I got hurt, badly, but it was worth my suffering.
I cried, whilst looking down, completely broken down.
Then I heard footsteps, walking nervously towards me, like a shadow.
I couldn't bare to look up, fear over took my emotions, I felt breathless.
Then a face appeared in front of mine.
...

Concealed by disregard.
Informal obligations of stagnant occurrences.
Intelligence of no use, no form, no will to inform.
Disastrous conclusions, assumptions, judgements.
Sleeping and sleepless.
Longing for more.
Yet, the will has been killed.

Lying wide awake, questioning the defences I hold onto like a loose thread of potent forces.
Exacted to not be exact.
The mind is busy, the body is not.
The soul is in hibernation, the eyes flicker and flip like a thousand broken light bulbs.
I intend on not grabbing, not fighting, and not limiting.
Limitless in a world of limited.
How do I get out?