I remember crying during lunch my senior year of high school
My math teacher’s eyebrows colliding turning one plane into a fractal image
He had sat there every day for nearly four years
Helping me struggle through an unreal number of numbers
Literaly and figuratively
And again and again the numbers on my math test said
You are less than average
You
Are
Stupid.

But behind the eyes of a determined math teacher
Never read, what my insecurities where screaming
Refusing to believe the numbers, I sought one thing
Some unspoken meaning
I almost found it the day of my graduation
I almost found it between my teacher’s eyebrows
Wearing it like a point of pride
I was the first of my family to hold
Such a light thing as a diploma
Instead of a heavy head
Weighed down by ******
It nodding under all the pressure
The first to feel the lightness of feather
Instead of a sixpack
A lame back, from manual labor
I was flying
College was my next undefeated feat
Again I let an institution tell me what I was
Test scores tell me what I should meet
Intelligent measured by something
That couldn’t understand its diversity
Trying to tell me I was less than average
When I was just an individual
Above a point of comparison
Excelling in conceptual understanding
Debating and good energy

I could construct social interaction
Like gold, I learn to read people
The power in my phone
I learned that it wasn’t the diploma that I should be proud of
Not the thing I sought after
Not what I would show my little sisters and brothers
To show them how to live better, how to be stronger
Burn brighter. Burn longer.
So here I am
Red faced and scared
spoken word
was hiding, but always there
in between my math teachers scrunched brow
Was the answer
I could have cheated if I had known how
If I knew what question that needed answered
Had realized it was never in his book
I should have listened to what I saw
Not to the math test I took
I
Am
Not
Stupid
I haven’t failed by choosing something outside of school
That I am not defined by the score
By numbers or lines
By this institutional rules
Test scores or even rhymes
I am not less than average
I just don’t average out
That power isn’t really in a piece of paper
Power is found in your words
And chosen behavior
That silence and insecurity
Means nothing really
The answer wasn’t in his book
It was in his look
And his persistence to prove
I
Am
Not
Stupid
He just wasn’t good enough with words to prove it.

He is that high, dazed and alive
When you spend hours stealing
Glimpses at the stars
Like keys wrapped around a promise
To free you from these bars
Limitations placed so certainly
On top of you on top of me
I seek my way out
Like a star gazer seeks understanding
I’m planning on playing my hand just right
Putting you next to me
King of hearts at my side
Or maybe you are a joker,
Either way put on your poker face
We have life and space, set no pace
Like untimed steps under
A fall to far

Sing to me a jazzy song
From a time that’s far,
Dance with me
Dance along, move your feet
Make no promise you can’t keep
Just feel it
It’s like freedom but on fire
Like trust without certainty
Acrobat without a wire
Like letting go
A grand release
Like fearlessness
A found voice to speak
Passions pushed blood to cheek
Blushing past shades of pink
Pull you in, close to me
Fearless in you and me
Just fearless

I start to answer her question,
She seems taken aback.
I rattle off my list.
“Witty comments,
An easy found laughter…
I like competitiveness
That’s wraps itself around playfulness,
Like I want to wrap myself around
His big found epiphanies.
Symphony of intellectual connecting’s and
Good intuition.
A quick reaction time, helping you step away
Before **** has had time to hit the fan.
Eagerness to help other human beings…
Taking advantages of opportunities instead of people
Charisma that is unselfish in its tendency to be noticed.
Awareness of one’s self.
a knack for insightful observing.”
These a list of things I find attractive
But yes he also has a nice jaw line
It traces lovely underneath a finger tip
But it’s a faraway line on a map
That has eloquently plotted out his most beautiful parts
It’s faded and dim in comparison to the additional obvious existing’s
It is so far from those parts of him I find to be most beautiful
That I hardly understand how out of all of it
That was the only thing you really responded to.
The only part of the map you related enough to
To point to and say I have been there.

She walks by without a clue
Her bubbly personality and bright *** shoes
Laughter gush and spills, free and loose
Joyous even in the way she moves

She wears the world as hot as red lipstick
Explores herself and what’s not listed
Follows the rules but just has to break them
Sings in the night, when no one listens

The sun comes out when she’s ready to play
Curls bounce as she walks my way
She doesn't even know

Has never been touched with a lovers kiss
But she loves deeper than anyone I have met
Cares so deep, hugs so sure
Trusts so venerable, loyal for sure
She isn’t the rainbow
A color undiscovered
The flavor of happy, the taste of song
Flies like a bird, dancing in the lawn

Climbing trees, hanging in the park
Sharing her stories, girl likes to talk'
She doesn't even know that she is
My shining star, little piece of bliss
Showing the way when things get hard
Laughing when I cry
Cry when I laugh so hard
She doesn't even know
She’s my window in to happy
When it’s no ware else to be found
My excitement when my life is turned upside down
Noise that needs to happen
Hug I need to have
Person I know will be there
The smiles that’s for sure
Liesel you’re my happy pill
The one for sure cure.

superhero holding friendship

I admire, I spectate , I watch and learn and notes I take
On a thunderous beauty, on this breath taking sight
Quivering breath at a mountains height
Those close around I fear they might drown
Terrified of what’s making change
Terror stricken, I flip through pages
that would never be re-written, never changed

I’m waiting for struggle, for flailing arm
for loneliness , peoples pulling up guards
Fences that we build and view as our shields
Just a horrible thing ,that wont let me in
Misunderstanding transforming
Now it’s a black mask of confusion, dooming

I panic at thought spinning around
Head is to full ,I feel for the ground
Darkness threatening my light life
I gasp for friendship and understanding
Then you flew in with a quiet landing
Tiptoeing around you lift me off the damp dirt
Wiping the darkness of my clean world

A new view of refuge, I need and needed you
Just a boy with good intention
Transformed into a superhero holding friendship.
Together walking side by side
we sort through what’s wrong and right
We plan a way to save the drowning
Climb fences and break through walls
Tear down others guards
I walk a walk , no longer alone in the dark.
I have you.thank all that is good
We stand were I stood
I love you

Letter to the boy who never writes inked words that spell out   I   love   you. But still his ink bleeds in ways I have never seen and it captivates the art inside me. The words them self may not be saying what I wish to hear but the portrait drawn in each letter is creating a beautiful big picture. I am glad you let a lovely spirit bring you to rainbows found in music that spills from your room. You see beauty everywhere and always point it out
I standing right beside you and  I can’t help but feel left out
So I see the fall and all you awes and then I look inside of me
Look hard
Alone and
Scrutinize myself
So here are something s
For between… just you and me

1)When I blush it may not be the subtle pastel you would choose,
But it blossoms on my cheek the color lovely. Crimson colored glasses show all my venerability, making me something authentic. And I like it most days. You can choose to hide your face, to look away but I love the way I am burning.You can't choose my pink or pick it.It is the color it is… well its authentic

2) I care about others to the point of it being a sickness. I have numb hands because anxiety acts in quickness, just like my reactions I am real, emotional and passionate. I see my beauty now and think you can’t have it. Even if I agree about all the other beauties you refuse to see me, and I am lovely, bright, I fit my hands just right, my legs are long and strong and remind me that my feet are my wind, a feather taking me to every place I have ever been and will be.


3) When you talk your words form poetry, but you can give up any time to get to know me, and I’m a piece of art. My colors are what words were made for. My beauty bending the conceptual understanding of language and a word itself. My eyes at any point in time saying more than your fingers ever could, slowly typing out word that beat out simple meaning. Tears fall from me heavy as bricks falling from a height, weighed down with the sorrow picked up through my life.

4) Im not bitter because you didn’t think I was hot. Because shallow boys make me their toy and they all want to play. And that makes me bitter and fules me with hate.  It was nice to find someone who cared a little more, who knew there were four letters to my name. who talked and shared interests. Only bitter now because you like my inside colors, but you didn’t think I was pretty enough to paint. And the deeper pool really was just vain. Tipping at the edge I am just pulled down the drain.

5) Is a secret. I use to hate my smile; my teeth are far from perfect. People were mean, you can say anything about it and I can say I have heard it. Red lipstick is my purple hard. Showing I made it through something mean and mad, perhaps I wish I hadntnt but I had and this is my prize. This is the honorable reminded I wear it with pride. Beaming, my red lips framing what had held me back from smiling for years. And I smile from ear to ear its beautiful.

6) A confession, I hate that you don’t see me, but I love what I see myself. I wish your hand writing wasn’t more appealing than the empty echo of what they tell.
So here is a letter to a boy, who writes in lovely scroll. Who couldn’t love me, if he knew me all. Simply said, I hope you find someone right, not me ever, not me tonight. Bitter without the sweet. To the boy who only writes but doesn't read, who expresses but just cant see, to the other lovely soul confused by all the color... I just needed to write you one last letter.

You cant tell that behind my red lipstick
And matching clothes I wear a secret
I live out of a bag, but not out of regrets
My life is a story that no one had the time to read yet
Its deep, long but filled to the brim in secrets
Someone sees me and wouldn’t believe me
When I say
I am
homeless
Life happens and that’s okay
I took a chance and it didn't go my way
And I walk through a autumn day and see homeless people
Just
Like
me

I walk through the wit past the deer head painting on the bridge
A homeless man who always sits says
Good morning
I give him a grin and I can tell it made his day
Some kinda sad bearing down, as it begins to rain

I remember when I was moving out into the world
Boxes packed,rain fell in sheets
I gave out boxes of coats, and hope for warm feet
And someone said it was nice of me
Something
died
in me

Would you not do the same for me?
What happened to humanity?
I wonder what would happen
if my friends were different
if a couch wasn't an option
I'll move on then
I see myself in an old mans crazed eyes
As he sits at the bus station voided and deprived
And something inside of me dies a little
When everyone sees
With cast away eyes
Difference in a little
lipstick
Age
Time
A little more life
That didn’t go right
Without this break I wouldn’t have got
The full time job
My way back on top

And they key to his heart
Is as simple as socks
You should look away
Feel some kind of shame
You can at least say good morning
Remember his name
or at least see him as human
I wonder what would happen
If I didn’t have red lipstick
Life had chewed me up a little longer
Would you walk past me
In your Cold steel armor?
homeless
or hopeless
you pick the title

Thomas creek keeps moving
This water gives way to childhood play.
I think this place remembers me.
Old gravel road,
potholes lined in Oregon ferns
The same ones that tickled my knees
when I was as young as three
I think they remember me

Lazy light filters down to green
Earth, mud and skipping rocks
Serve as old novelties and
Time ticking clocks.
The only place left
That remembers me.

vast enough to hold my past.
The only green enough that last
Fountain of youth that makes me sprite
Jump into a past with such delight
Thanks for holding on.

Stagnate nostalgia
Remembering skinned knees
Deep breaths, cold water that calmed dread
youth to living all grown up
some things remain the same...
Do you remember my name?
Do you remember me?

That laughter rolls from under you
Light pooling inside your eyes
And like a moth I’m drawn to you
You pull me in, and I am powerless
Blood just below a boil
Ready to surface red, at any moment
Just say a word and see
How transparent I can be
Heartbeat, beat beating
Your voice like honey
Slowly moving over me
Sweet temptation
Just one taste and..
I draw near just to feel the burn

*I am not a ******* moth

I have to tell you because no one else will, your needy grabs for his attention and flailing attempts to come across seductive will fail you. I know it is hard to want what you can't have and honestly I don't blame you. He talks to me in his sleep. He turns in our little twin bed to seek me and he always finds my love, we often wonder how our twin bed can give unwanted space a place between us. Its like he is searching for me when he rests in his subconscious and even in the alternative reality I am always there we always find each other. He makes me feel like I am the only light that turns on in a sea of dark night and he takes endless pleasure out of what I am and the shadows I cast. Even the dark parts of me he hold close too. I see you leaning over the bar counter and I know you don't want him to be looking at your eyes when he is talking to you.... I am telling you that he smiles like the sidewalk flowers he brings me and we grow together like the ones planted in his garden. Every day he brings me flowers, he tells me why specific smells or petals remind him of my beautiful parts. He loves the purple ones because I am so fond of the color. I never pull on the soft petals in a game of love me or love me not. That is what I am trying to  tell you, he grows flowers for me that only have "he loves me" written on them so I never have to question myself.There just is no room hear for insecurities and the need  to be wanted for you to cling to, he knows what he wants. He is brilliant and I cant think of a way you are going to be able to convince such a smart man that ******* you right now will feel better then the life time of love I have for him. You would have to speak a lot to what is hiding inside the creases of your thighs to convince him it would feel better then me, because I know how to make that feel pretty ******* good. I am not trying to say we are the energizer bunny, only that when we do what bunnies do we just keep going, We are a power house when we are together, energy just rolls off of us. I know how to make him moan, to tighten and to quiver, I also hold him if he cries.We warp time around out interactions, it flies by while we refuse to give up the moment and I get lost in him. He is far more beautiful then any place I have ever been to. He makes me feel alive. we are happy. I have no fear that your needy cry for help will get him naked. I only worry you are in a sad place and he wont take you as a friend if you keep on trying to touch him. That would be sad for you, he is the best one I have ever had. sincerely the girlfriend he is trying to find after you touched him a little to long. Could you tell him I am right outside the bar, I was waiting for a friend.

You fail to realize that my misty eyes come from pity
That I reflect on your life and see why
You act out
Shout, scream
Lash out at me
See me as an intellectual
Leaves you feeling vulnerable
I see right through the way
You say my name
And get so frustrated
But you made me cry today
This game you play is shaded
You are so afraid of hurt
That you just let words burst
Like bullets they pierce in
And are lost inside the tissue
Of my heart
You
Make
Me
Cry.
But today was different and it marked
The beginning
Of change.

I use to hate the color pink
They would put it on me and start to think
It had a label, told them things
Such a girly girl, who wears pink

In my struggle to be set free
I forgot to really see
See the vibrant smiling thing
Until it draped itself
On olive skin
No amount of sparkle
Overwhelming pink
Could start to hide
His masculine side
Broad shoulders merely framed

Smile lines and chocolate eyes
All seem to make me weak
He is inside
Wrapped up tight
In the most brilliant color
pink

Stranger smiling.. at me?
Do you smile at everyone like that
Or am I lucky=D
Sweet stranger who's long hair and pierced lip
Seem to contradict a charming handsome...
That somehow fits, like you are wareing yourself
Kind eyes bring me to the edge
Teetering on the brink
Of hot red that boils underneath
The soft skin of my cheek
Transparent and misleading
I am not shy, I am not afraid
I would love to see whatever lies behind
Kind eyes, Surprise me
Be an adventure
503-551-
68**
Sincerely, the stranger who smiles back.

Chains and shackles

Chains and shackles weigh me down
Ties to strong to break, helpless struggle
Unheard screams, guards surround me
Your around me, and you run blindly
So I sit quietly, with silent thought
Not knowing can be easer, so I remain unheard
I falter under pressure so squeamishly
Why slow you down?
You would try to carry me

Chains and shackles hold me down
My echoed heart beat is the only sound
A thudding heart could be heard
Tare it out from my very breast
It stop the twisted breath in my empty chest
A tortured heart freed from the rest
My body now a cesspool
A wasteland of festered stress
I will **** my hopes and dreams if it means
Honesty, equality, fairness to my loved

Chains and shackles ground me down
I could fly when your around
But I will squash anything
I wont dare let my bleeding heart sing
So let the guards hold me down
I challenge the people to there bliss
Tragic is no way for loves first kiss

I am not much of a poet, and it takes a whole lot of poet to write a love poem
Sappy and happy never read as well as blood, sweet, and tears
And years of turmoil has always aid me
But lately, I’v been hastily and systematically fathoming how to make words fit
Like our bodies do at sundown, when we are the only light inside a dark room
Just beaming at one another, why bother… cheesy isn’t easy .. but I try
I try to find the powerful words that will describe the electricity that pulsates from us
We are the biggest power source around, if only I found the words to say it right
I am not much of a poet, and it takes a whole lot of poet to write a real love poem
But if I tried to write a love poem, it would be about you
About how your smile is a sun rise after endless nights
About how I only know your strength because you pull me in close
Like I weigh nothing and my baggage is just a carry on, nothing that can’t be handled
Never pushing me away or hurting, your strength is seen in your gentleness
I would explain how you make stretch marks feel like beauty marks
How you make sun kisses feel cool, how you make heartbeats in to drums, how you make a guitar sing, and your voice vibrates and rolls something between honey and heaven.
I would write about how you have endless energy and ambition
Charisma and endless potential that grabs at every opening door
I would write about how you grow friendships and flowers like they are one in the same
And how you love and invest in both
How you read like a scholar and chase after things only brave men chase after
I am not much of a poet but if I were I would paint in words for you the most vibrant expressions
Of lust and love and tinder kindness
Lay down words like bricks to build you up
Show how you are the one I searched and found worth finding
How we light up, show how exciting…..
Im not a love poet, not much of a poet at all…
But either way you are worth the fall, you deserve a love poem.

You are like middle class meets star gazer
Your eyes on the sparkle in your dream but you don’t know if its found when you are sleeping or running through your always going, never ending life. Your responsibilities sky high, so much on your plate that you are forgetting that happy is already on your platter you just have to slow down to taste it. Wanted time wasted on the idea that success will bring you happiness. That money is where this is happenen… You are sometimes on the right side, spending time and care instead of money and pulled out hair.  Contemplating the weight of the wind, What spirit really means. Exploring where you begin and the universe ends .other times you are all kinds of, I don’t want to say wrong but not right … maybe left, left out of place, left behind your fast paced life, left wondering but not left to think out loud. Not left with feeling right.im not suggesting that you should run in circles but if right is right then take it. Hold on to your hopes and make it. If you feel like you fake it either quit or fake it tell you make it part of you. You said that you are always in your head, I think you are always in a hum, Seeing the connection in your life and always putting it together wrong. Maybe the stars are where it starts. Maybe they are a map that connects our life with our hearts. Maybe money is just paper, and people are too valuable to break down in such simple transaction. Perhaps middle class means nothing, just like money… because classifying people makes no since. That sentence a lot like money, so alike always boxing people in. you are a successes chaser, not knowing how you define the word. I am trying to give it a definition. But you may replace the word all together, reconfigure a new sentence. This is just a star gazers perspective, to someone who’s self-reflective, here’s just a perplexing statement about what success is. One star gazer to the next one, just let go a little and figure out this conundrum.

Bus full of people breathing inside a small space
Face to face, eyes cast down and explore
A small girl that hides behind bangs
Long thin legs
Tightly fit close
That are shear and expose
Insecurities
And people whisper
People point
But I remember what Teresa told me

A small man gets fired up
But can’t fight, he wobbles drunk
He wants to prove he is big and bad
That the girl who left him
Didn’t have his heart in hand
That he doesn’t bleed
He doesn’t hurt
He punches the next guy he sees
He makes him blue
Makes him bleed
And I remember what Teresa said
Two lovers hold each other tight
Teary eyes on a star lit night
Warm bodies fight the chill
Each wondering if they will
Be able to hold hands like this
Forever or if
Fingers fold into fists
As bitterness steals a kiss
Because the two girls don’t know why
People say they should die
They have always only loved each other
And I remember what Teresa told me

I am the thunder that shakes your world
The terror lusting in your eyes
Simple gesture of impending pleasures
Intamently scratching out your eyes
Your meanness puts me off
But attractions turns me on
I hate to say, I’d like you
If your cloths weren’t on
Constructing my own tower
To keep you far away
But my hips sway in just that way
And broad shoulders lean in closer
What a titillating game…
I promise not to play
To bad you’re such a jack ***
You only know how to grab ***
I’m a gental honest lover
With passion under covers
I bet you have never known
That silky golden tone
Of soft lips whispering
I love you
Too bad you’re such a jack ***

I am stronger

A jungle grows inside of me, filled with hope and love

A mystery's inside of me, that flows in sky above

and branches reach for sun, but bound by dirt and earth

and roots all tangle deep with in, fighting for whats good

Beauty springing out from every new blooming flower

a hatred came to beat it down, to steal the dirt from the ground

frowns all placed on hatreds face, guilt its new grin

it beat me down, I bow my chin

shoulders fall in sadness, tear fogged vision in this crazy madness

trees tortured by blazing winds, breaking under pressure

sky's cloud up, gloom is a screaming disaster

Birds don't fill the air, there sweet song not heard anywhere

but sun beams break through the daze

forcing all hateful thoughts to hide away

this new faze, this new place

grows with satisfaction

I am stronger

I am stronger

I built a world just for me, filled with happy serenity

A confidence filled the walls, that had been made so tall

bliss built the roads i walked along, free from signs I knew the rules

and towers pierced the sky, and aimed for the stars

and fences ran around, to force me to stay in what I'd found

a angry shadow ripped it down, and in fear I looked around

outside this world I know not of, but to stay around   unheard of

forced to venture, pushed from home

at first I felt so alone

cold ran for me, but I found I was saved by my own breath

my warmth was beating inside my chest

I didn't need my strong built stone

I just needed to me, and to not be alone

so I ventured into the unknown. I stumbled on a new type of stome

I built, with no fences

I built a home not a prison

I am stronger

I am stronger

laughter it ran from me,and confusion struck mixed with inner conflict

I became a mixing ***, set down and forgot,boiling with emotions

I set on fire, burned a liar, stuck in a endless cycle

More then society puts on me, more then other battles I've been through

this one stopped me in my steps, I don't want this forever dread

rip this darkness from my head, blood a simple sacrifice

but there hurt is not right. I would never stop. but what a thought.

I fell. i hurt so bad, but there is nothing better, I'm glad i had

with the burn of pain follows with the wave of appreciation

of happy recognition, of simple smiles, content feeling

time to feel in a place of healing

I found laughter,i got up

I am stronger.

Silky red lips sip on
Intelligents, and intuition
Blue watery eyes
Perfectly disguise
Intricately weaving words
That are shaped, then escape
Change the landscape
Of relationships and connection
Gravitating truth to unexplained urges
Feelings all colliding, leading to one thing
She is absolutely unique in herself
Bring fourth an Absolute beauty
As well as drawing a connection for me
One again providing a bridge
This time completely unaware
Of the truth she has delivered

She is no reflection
Only 94% same genetic makeup
But our likeness has never helped me see myself
Not like it did today
I saw her physically
but more importantly
Emotionally
She helped me remember
What I bring to the table
Expression and a suave reading
Of people and their meaning
Helping them see pieces of them self
My gift of self-awareness
Gifted to me
As I sought to see
Its more than red lips
Blue eyes
That are a bit alike.

What dream are you dreaming?
What are you missing, seams tearing
Bearing the weight, hungry children haven’t ate
Picket fence, just a gate
Locking you in, a stagnate state
American dream, American dream
Seams tearing, weight bearing
Tick tock alarm clock blaring
Swearing up and down
That you will be more
more than what you are around
But equality is only ideology
Reality is brutality
Suburbia only exists
On top of working class fists, stress
Test, testing schools underfunded
Mothers gone, and fathers drunk loving
Lies, corruption
Deceived by our own government
Monsanto’s sits on the top of the hill
Selling people food, that only kills
Pharmaceutical companies with overpriced pills
Poverty at a rate
That is sending chills
What dream are we dreaming?

I’m not mad at you for falling out of love
Just for letting it hurt her in such a vicious way
Like your dad did to you before you got away
You almost felt wanted and then he gave up on you
If it hurt you so bad, then whys that what you do
What really is missed up is how you took advantage
I just can’t understand how you let that happened
I know the sound of your laugh, the tear streaked cheeks and red eyes
I knew the sounds you make when you really start to cry
Told me once, all your secrets, all your hurts and reasons why
Created a new safe place, you were my true best friend
I thought I knew you, thought you couldn't just blend
You truly cared about those you thought could love
You were my star that was sent from above
Transforming you began to change
You locked yourself away, began to forget my name
Put me down, and hide away
You never talked, or cried in front of me
I know life became hard, especially four you
I just thought it could never **** the fight inside of you
I am not mad at Collin because he is a nice guy
Just mad at you, for never thinking why
What really hurts to me, is I miss you every day
I miss my red head smile that always wants to play
The laughter that I use to know
The freckled happiness
I just can’t seem to find her
In the shades of grey and ****** mess

I feel like sumi ink running down a wet media paper
Like I’m getting ****** up into its fiber
Before I ever had the chance to make the right mark

I feel like a tear that has been wiped away
It pushed from a cheek to swift, in hope haste would make
Feelings wash away, before they have time to settle
Be recognized for their real self, their actual impact

I feel like a under developed painting that wants to be an original
But has been put under too much pressure
To feel free enough to make an original mark

I feel like a statement that wants be made
But only finds things that have earned titles as cliché

I feel like a book that has been put down and forgot before
You ever got to the good parts

I am a heart wrenching sob and tear streaked cheeks
I am a sumi ink layered in perfect complexity and visual texture
I am original, authentic,and the best book you haven’t read yet
I am full of good endings, beginnings and all in-betweens
I am, I will be, stop trying to rush the ending

how do you say ******* to the world without admitting you are giving up. **** **** fuckity. I know I am classy. Lady like. So put together, but ironically I know who I am and this will un- cluster **** itself eventually. I am okay, but seriously universe what are you trying to prove? So again i ask, how so you say ******* world without admitting you gave something up? A little bit of hope, of innocence, of faith in something. But I have given something up. so I suppose I should able to express my loss however makes me feel better.
*you dont say ******* to the world without admitting you have given up on something.

Her loud voice echos inside my head
Tears pool spilling off my bed
And her hams can, and laughter fled
As life goes on, shes still dead
Just a rewind video I replay
Before sad sleepy eyes go to bed
Weeping, sleeping,dreaming seeming
Try to find the right words to describe
She was the only one I could find
To stay up and create, art, color, life
A garden to a picture drawn in crown
She was the only one around
Who found what I found
Art is the heart of family
Love and life
She found me, in the darkest nights
She helped me understand
The human struggle, to experience
Complexity, she was her inevitably
Embarrassingly, intoxication in both
***** and personality, fatality being
She never took care, her loud voice
Tinny in her last moments here
Her brave soul
Trembling in fear
Grandma don’t be scared
I'm here
Just like you were
Im here for better or for worse
Her heart beat beat beating
Tell its run its ran its course  
and when its done ill run some more
Grandma my heart beats for you
that's for sure

Validation is what I needed
A hint of support, and I hit the road
Flying high, flying by
Dreams and fingertips
Meet my words, find my grip
Hands on tight
Squint my eyes
How time flies bye
Bye, did I say bye
To my old life
Old friends, changing
My eyes blazing
Passion in my tool box
Art and self reflection
In place of my complexion
only one moment of hesitation
And its when I say goodbye
To you, I sigh.
Open up my arms
And fly

Dear middle class friend
You have to know that I love you and know we come from difference
I am thank full for your existence and teaching me how to blend in
Find myself inside the lines of a different class
you take the time to teach me how I should act
You come from power I come from poverty
But I can mask, just change my cloths and vocabulary
Im educated and observant
Subservient to what you say
Speaking of your problems
How you hate the rain
How you over booked yourself
Should you go to the yurt or to the football game?
Not trying to undermine
To lessen your distress
Or infer you have a mistress
That money isn’t happiness
Just remember when you talk to me
You are forgetting who I am
Because of how I dress
Disguise myself to well I guess
Remember
I just found a place to live
Food is hard to find
My parents split
My siblings flail
Cancers killing someone else…
And you forget
That money isn’t mine
And I am short on time
My problems are different
I just can’t relate
I have never seen a yurt
Or seen a football game
Or been on stage
I don’t know what to say
Dear middle class companion
Thanks for offering to stand in
When I want to complain
But don’t feel bad
And take my hand
I try to feed me again.
I don’t need fixing, or sad eyes
Just try to sympathize
I know you don’t understand
We come from difference
I hope for acceptance
Maybe understaning
But I don’t know how to say
Ill never care as much as you
About such silly things.

Hesitation when I say hello

I step into your space
Hovering right above the place
I wish to put my lips
Sigh, leaning into kiss
Press my palm
On your chest
Your heart beat
Beats the best
Images of me wrestling
Smiles settling
As we roll around the floor
Just imagining
What could be happening,
In that moment of hesitation
Before I say hello

you seem more sure of what you think of me
then of who you are and want to be
long lonely days makes you feel
the warmth of my breath
feel real, realizing you have been hiding
from the pleasures of life
inside and out
you scream and shout
i don't want to be alone
clinging to me
like static to a balloon
hugging at every surface passing
promising me this is lasting
but it is to soon to say
if its started, or if its a haze
slow down my dear friend
we have a long way tell the end
and  no way to know
where we will go
and happy always changes
chin up butter cup
snoopy has a friend.

time folds around warm kisses and freckled skin
stretching and pulling in
you are a timekeeper my friend
you touch my warmest spots and time just stops, existing.
the only thing left is the way you leave me feeling
tapdancing heartbeats and quivering thighs
intake laughter exhaled sighs
fingertips plunge, taking pleasure in what they have done
throbbing heat and buttons undone
you hold on to a pink petal presentation
slowly taste in hesitation
then with a delivered force
a quickening blow
eyes light up and a smile shows
You know what living with no time can mean
you take pleasure in what it does to me
hot pressed pull and pushing
ohh time keeper you know what you are doing
the pleasure you lead me too
has an equal rush in store for you
passion peek, time still speeds
I have you on your knees
i feel you close behind me
time freed is so fulfilling, so enlightening
time folds around heated skin
i hardly know what year we are in
we have been together for so long
its hard to see it, we still look so young.

Life is far from fair. He was born to this place, but his ancestors took it by foot. So long ago he can’t remember what being the immigrant felt like. Can’t remember the xenophobic slurs were placed in other people's tongues to whip the different out of him. This took place so long ago now he doesn't remember what blood spill looks like, can't remember his fist drawn back. He is the **** Italian immigrant, the fire crotch Irishman, the Gew the ******* and now the towel heads. He is everyone who has made himself at home hear afraid again, that a new immigration will take all the parts of their home  he loves the  most. Forgetting quickly he was the ones marching last time around. Refugee is so much more of a statement then immigrant. An immigrant is looking for a better future. A refugee is looking for any at all. They fleeing from war torn promises and bombs that fall from the skies like rain. My government fears ISIS, those towel heads, they all look the same to our fear filled eyes, so we through them to the wayside. My government does not speak for me, I would welcome every refugee.Anyone who has that common enemy, who wants to fix it with love and a new life, I open my eyes and my arms wide.I remember that I didn't  belong here at first, that we were promised something more. I can't deny that to you and yours, I welcome you. Life's not fair, it’s clear to see, I am sorry that you are you and I am me. Difference only in where I was born, difference in this is already my home.I am sorry. Sorry that those with fear filled hearts have no room left to welcome you. That they are so worried about what pain might feel like that they can not feel sorrow for the pain you are already felt. I am sorry. To every middle eastern refugee that has been denied the right to live humanely… all I can do is be sorry.

tingling. my fingers warn me
that anxiety is nibbling
that my heart is transforming
it beats then tweets
a bird locked in a rib cage
That is rapidly shrinking
feathers fall as wings beat fast
a cage that grips the bird at last
I gasp for air and feel the choke
my hands cover my mouth
I know that I will faint if i
let air in again
faster
faster
faster
until I feel the bird passing
my rib cage loosens grip
my hearbeat take
a sweet doves place
a little sad
and more worn then before
and I am forced to take this
Scared, torn and beaten *****
as a token that says life
can just be living sometimes

I look inside a mirror and see
frigid ice crystalize around an iris
Reflecting this coldness
chilling my spine and reminding me of loneliness
even when its taciturn pools
of tears sent ripples
laughter fled and long missed giggles
my eyes see winter
where they once saw
wildfire dancing
and doves sing songs

I look into the my hands
each fold of skin hiding secrets
every etched out finger print
like a deciphered  map
trying to take me to a place I haven’t been yet
perhaps 3D puzzle
that fingers haven’t fit yet
every short torn nail
every cuticle
looking for a space to fill
is as sad as the heart and eyes before them
I beat. I look. I feel
its all so hard right now
to be a living declaration
given word to life’s just living

I just want to write because I want you to read
And all the old stuff is the older me
But my words are jamming
Underneath the keys
Running jumbled mess
That fails to expain my feelings
I don’t quite have the words to say
I love the way you stay
But don’t cage me in
The way you claim to like me
But haven’t quite dove in
How you talk and talk
Knowing that I’ll listen
And how you seem so sweet
So very genuine
Stay the same
Never change
Snoopy n his house
Simple loving life
Open hands
Open heart
Smile lifes to short.

So funny how words spill between us
A poetic conversation flooding
Understandings and questioning
Everything
One moment lights up like hope upon butterflies wings
The next unveiling a garish harsh truth of reality, perched alongside loneness
Words coloring inside lines
Fuzzy gray trying to hide
Nothing is really quite
Balck and white
Every relationship really knows no bounds
Only defined by the individuals its wrapped around
Unique as life, its complexity
Just like your eyes seeing into me
You couldn’t say we are average here
Your words are what bring color to my life
And beauty to a blade of grass and autumn leaf
To a blue jay, to the passion I seek
An icon image into what life is supposed to mean.

You exist to me like wind to everyone else. I can feel your overwhelming presence, but its hard to show other people you are there. You give me goose bumps that leave the only physical trail to your existence. The small black letters on a lite up computer screen is the only thing hinting at a reality where your windows can be seen through. Giving hope for a day I can see into your eyes and read into your words in a whole new depth. Giving hope of a day I reach out and grab you like a question mark at the end of my never ending list of questions, and hold you in my hands. See what you look like, hear what you sound like, feel what you feel like, listen to what you say and understand you to be more something like an explanation point then you ever where a question mark. You are just one shipped off and sent letter, whose words don’t fall short but leave me hanging on whatever the next p.s. has to say.  This is not a love note or a confessional piece; this is a means of exploration. This is me seeing every individual on the planet as a separate world amongst the universe, some more worthy of exploration then others, and seeking you to calm the wanderlust inside of me. This is a proclaiming of my undying interest in exploring your world and getting to know you. This is an attempt to explain to another colorful person that for me, getting lost in this world isn’t half as appealing as getting lost in someone else’s.  I am in a place in my life filled with so much potential, especially in relationships with other people. I find myself trying to create stronger relationships instead of more, but you still seem to feel like something pressing. Like something I should invest in. Maybe it’s because you play with words like I shape in clay. Maybe it’s because your expansive vocabulary draws me in. Perhaps it is that you seem to have priorities that make since to me, maybe it is because you give exquisite advice and have become a reminder to me of how to be positive in the face of ugly. Maybe it’s because when I talk to you I don’t have to use smaller words, I don’t have to talk about things I don’t find important and the only time we talked about the weather was when it snowed so much that it brought you to a place of bliss and wonderland. Maybe, maybe it’s just a feeling. But I have found when I am honest about my feelings; I live a much happier life. So hear is a one way ticket into my head. Hear is one guided trip into one way I see the world and people around me. This is my request to read every word you wish to write.
Sincerely, tink

Waiting to hear what you say
Not knowing why you like me
Why you touch me this way
Unclear what you think
Mascaraing your thoughts
Disguising   you words
I know I could hear you
If you care to be heard
Obvious difference
Clearly so
But I want to open the parts
I don’t really know
The parts you don’t show
Will I be granted a key?
Or just never know?

Mom
I look inside your eyes a realize you are human
Inside that part of life, fleeting time
Misty eyes, you are lost
I forgot
You are human

Remember how I thought of you
Like superhuman, superman but you were super women plus ten
Always thoughtful, always true
Stuborn in what made you, you

Mother I have cried, lost in struggle
Lose my stride
but re found and got up
Always knowing you were right
By my side, held up high

Now I step aside, and watch
The ever knowing has finally stopped
do my eyes lie
or had i just forgot
we are all just human
we all get lost
fall down and get back up
mom hold my hand
we both can jump

soul searching
Lost inside what I cant find
The words to say exactly what I need to
They flee from me. Far from you.
You were someone who always said you loved me
And I knew it was true, even with the bitter beer
Even when you couldn't hear
Reality ringing in your ear
I always knew you loved me
Funny how I remember you
Like two people, fit snug
In one
You said horrid ****** things
Followed with the a laughter
Always following so much faster
Humor was your shield
It would rain but their was a sun inside you
You hide it, fought it
Drown it with hams
But it surfaced and id see
All the thing I loved in you
Truth is, i'm sad
Sad to see that life is leaving you
That you let it take
What even alcohol couldn’t break
Your spirit
Your love
Will to live
Chills me,spins disorients
Because you are the biggest presence, personality
The loudest voice, largest part
Of the start of my life
….
…
…
You were a lot of things
and you are just giving up.
Cancer is taking you away
And I hate it. I almost hate you
Ironic because you are finally sober
Just a reminder you don’t always want what you think you do
because whats taking you
was never what I thought it would be
and u have just got to know me
I love you

I sit here trying over and over again
To make my pin bleed, to hear the words sing
But nothing, my thoughts just tumble over themselves
Like laundry that will never quite be clean
Sunday night I will come back to what I left
My old life, old friends
Different now than I was then
I don’t want a disconnect for who I am and where I have been
I found brilliance and light inside myself
I hope you see it, but I doubt it
I look the same, it’s a deep place I found it.
I wonder what eyes will see
What a brilliant glow might bring.

You ***** a little girl.
And I saw you as a good dad
And my familys ****** up
I feel so crazy as I look up
To the sky, and through applications
I have to find a place for her
To live, as cancer steels her life
Her big personality, as finalizing choke out of me
What I am suppose to say
And as people I care come crawling out from
Dark, I park myself in the one ray of light
Fighting to stay the person that I am
Uncle you are a tweeker, But I love you
But you steel from my dyeing grandmother
I WILL ******* KICK YOU
Right in the teeth so you wont smile at me anymore
I will die
When they burn down that old house
I will die
When she lets cancer take away everything
I will die
When I don’t know what to say and its to late ill die
Frustration  overtakes me, someone save me
Im failing. No one will help an old lady out for real?
Whats the deal. What kind of world do I live in
And rewind. He touched a little girl
My grandmas is soon to be homeless
Because they will take
What made my childhood
And my uncle finds everything
He can take and runs away
And I stand alone
Trying to find her a home
And fathers day is on the way
But I don’t know what to give him
Maybe a letter that says
Thanks for growing up
Once I didn’t need a dad
And at the end
I'm still mad
Happy please find me
Please find me
*so lost, I cant even find the right buttons, right words... ****** poem, ****** home.

Collecting scraps of withered old papers and photo strips
Like I collect memories
Scattered and out of chronological order
No time line to seamlessly tell a story
Only a room full of windows to look through
And uncover one at a time.
Blending my mind like I would a smoothie
Smoothly un-fold papers with scrolled hand writing
Press seems that have been the seems that stitched up broken parts
Of hearts, headaches and lonely nights
My past sewed up and patched, the hurting parts
I confess this to you as a photo strip prints
To mark another memory, a direct portal to the magnificent night
I look for the Minnie golf score sheet, but it hides
You seem to notice it more than a score sheet to me, but you just smile.
A day goes by and this portal is already fit amongst a mountain
Infinite number of patches to fix up the broken parts of life
Whatever hurt lingers, in persistence to last
I am surly equipped, look at the patches I have
2 days go by and I find a note on a green paper
Individuality printed on a score sheet
Each letter from a hand I had wish to hold
Telling me of beauty and a fun night out
Scores scribbled underneath
I tuck it away; it is the most beautiful patch
The most colorful and inspiring
A window so darling
I wonder what hurt this patch could not fix
And smile because it is his

I think I love you
I have been told
I write confessional poems
That I can not argue
I would never say
What I have today
If you were beside me
Poems, they just free me
Words escape, with meaning
Meaning, I think
I love you
Even when you do not
Though it hurts a little
Well a lot
But you are so strong willed
So brave at heart, it gives me chills
Fearless in your way
That you seek happiness and play
And I could see me
Finding beauty inside you
For as long as words can be used
Forever tell my face turns blue
And winded air, fills the space
Between me fingers
And the buttons spaced
On my keyboard.
Confession.
<3

Lets put the starts to shame as we light up underneath them
Lets go for a hike and get as lost in nature as we are in each other
Lets dare each other to climb a little higher because we both know the fall is nothing to be afraid of
Become a time keeper, speed up a moment just so you can take pleasure in slowing it down
Put on your explorer hat so you can take the time to map every part of me out
I will do the same, excited to smooth out your surface like a love letter that’s been creased and un creased relentlessly
Let me unfold you
Lets jump into cold water to feel revitalized, just like you feel when my cold hands seek your warm body
Lets be fearless, as in no heartbeats that turn into birds surrounded by ribcages that shrink in around it..
But more like drums whos beat leads to endless dancing and spiritual growth. Let’s fall in love.
Lets be better than any love story you have heard of, lets brag about how lucky we are to be existing together in a moment.
Bring out my over competitive side, make me lose so I can realize that is impossible… because reality is about perception and if I have you I can only win
Whisper, sweet something’s because sweet nothings can be for the girls that were before me. Lets be substance… be moral be wild crazy and alive. Let’s be young. Let’s be that romantic element others search an eternity for, and let’s make it easy. Easy like breathing, like taking in your air… lets fit together like we are proof in creation; even if it doesn’t exist we can still create something beautiful. Lets make this important, lets.

I am fine; the winter can only make me so cold
Only chill me to the bone, not the depths of soul
No need for warm exotic touch, steamy breath
Hearts lifting up, I have no place for a feel
That flies over me, like a seagull over sea
No room for tears on lonely years
Just a sigh, just me in a lonely season
Its no reason….
To miss the taste of love

Set me on fire


Insanity is what ran through me
Intensity plunging into me
Breathing is not wheezing but coming easily
Tingling reawakening
Space vacating me
I’m a vortex of for ever waiting
Playing on words, hoping to be heard
Spinning on this earth that is worth…
Nothing? Something? Maybe
Say to me the words that send guilt
Through sensations I have yet to word
Liking is a fighting, loving is despising
Wanting to be curious, how could I not with the words of his
Blister me with sincerity
Sending burning regret through every vain
Every way, in each new light
I fight and twist new perspective
To yell at me, to say to me everything is all right
And believe its true.
That me and you collided for some kind of real
Reeling going wild
My heart beats with the laughter of a child
Happiness is your contagious energy
I take it in and let it live in me
Your sweet scenic imagery
Watercolor paintings reflecting back at me
Beauty is something new and founding
Whirl pool of commonalities
Blasphemies of morals and value
But I cant help how my happiness swells
How you a smile into me
Chilling water not nearly as refreshing
Retesting, rethinking my boundaries
Seeing new towers, higher mountains and walls
Longer tunnels and halls
To walk, climb and crawl
How far the journey to a wanting place
To a unsure space in any case I hope your happy
That my presence is half as enchanting
Because your words they leave me panting
How can I not, with no words forgot?
Blister me with guilt’s hot iron
Set me on fire.
Or should we not?
I forgot the binding power of
A forever real friend ship
Set my ship on fire
And drown all hopes and desires

I remember that dance your head would do
Staring at you as your sleepy eyes wandered
Your head looking too heavy for you neck to bare
As drugs took you for a ride to who knows ware
And you would always play
Smiles all the way, guiding me to happy
Sticky fingers running away
With the popsicle that you gave
Snarky grin as  you would beg
Please tickle me. Rub my legs
He got old, and worn through
But never stopped loving me
Loving you. Sometimes he would
Go out and buy, pecan pie
And he looked so happy with that treat
I still think of you
In the little things
In all kinds of food
Remember the way we played
And all the things we’d do
Grandpa you were the place
Ware evil met with good
The paradox that no one understood
You never showed your darkness
Whenever I was around
But you light me up
Picked me up
Ten feet up off the ground
But as I grew to understand
You were a mixed up man
But I knew you loved me.
I love you, and miss you too
Grandpa thanks for always shining

When you kiss me do you feel it
Is your hear mine, should I steel it
Do you feel the same
Supple kiss ever drain
Does your hear beat, beat the same
Will forever be okay
Can you promise me you will stay...
Can I even say the same
Can you leave me hear this way
Expecting me to complie
To say that cuttings not a lie?
One that breaths the words...
That you can love with hurt

You would never break my skin
Razors edge biting in
You would never set me free
Do you have the courage to cut me?
Hurt is feeling, so it's life
But what's the point of living if it is only strife
what's a hand to hold, if there is no reason
Sadness comes and goes like season
But bitter twisted truth
Rips my soul and feelings from heir roots
Your peeciouse blood can spill
Your sacred hands can hold
Bitting metal, mean and cold
Legs stained in red
you can cry in silence
Scream in dread
But not alone
Not again

If you choose me, then hold up our head
I can only do so much and promise little
But to love, you have to love your self
And if it isn't a crime to you, it is to somebosy else
Each evil thought that clouds your head
Every cut, or scar that remains unsaid
For every lie that's sliped your toung
My self is trampled, come undone
If you become my reason, my chosen path in life
You have to love your self, and have to love our life.

This year was a finance *** kicking.. Meaning money kicked me in the face. No , meaning that I have no money it all ran away with the feet it kicked me in the face with.
This year was a group of peers closer then I have been with in years, a quest to find my spiritual side and a sixty year old man who forgot he already found love.
This year drained the world of color tell I was left in black… it made me angry so I spit and color bit me back.
This year was every color in every tent and every shade, this year so fast it moved in a blurred haze. This year, was the best vacation trip and friends endless fun, this year was sunburn in summers heated hum
This year was a heated fling, many quiet moments that I held my breath and hoped for the best… countless reasons that show me the universe knows best. I trust in it, intuition always says.
This year I quit a job, this year I got promotions and endless “glad to have you back”. This year was good bye tear streaked cheeks… goodbye pat on backs.  Time to pack some bags
This year I was an artist, this year I couch surfed. This year I restored relationships, this year I learned about me, this year I have someone I want to spend New Year’s with, and he wants to spend it here with me. This year I am 20 and this year I am me. This year was a struggle but a beauty its turn to be.his years summer was ****, sweet, so hot. This year’s winter was cold, but had all warm opened arms. This year was 365 days of life not just living. This year was remember able, this one was for the books.
this year was loss, this year was cancer, this year was family and me chasing after smiles.
this year I was a big sister, this year I was a friend this year I was a lot of things including broken, including whole. This year I learned how to play break down on the guitar. I wrote poetry, I created art.
I cried with my sister inside my enclosed arms. This year I got my sister a job. This year I helped people, this year I accepted help. This was a million moments worth living…
So glad it was me form end to the beginning. This year…. Was ya, this year. How was yours?

I just feel
Numbness in the breath
Like it neglects
To bring me to life
Inside of me
Echoing
Times that felt so right
Loneliness anchoring me
To the bottom of
What I was above
Swimming
Flailing
Abandonment
Ties me down
To my bed
Ill stay here.

Cryptic like the dark world’s all  
You’re ever going to know
Septic thoughts they
flow
she said she’d  never
send it,
never lend it
never let it
Go ,
Enigmatic static cling to a letter never sent
Slender fingers run along letters formed
But will fly away
To better days
She said shed never
Send it
Never lend it
Never let it
go