There are times,
Yes...There are times when I am focused, on task, efficient, and brave.
When I can breathe fire and kick the world's *** and tell you exactly what I think with enough accuracy to trace the trajectory of my words to such a minute degree that I might be able to calculate the distance they could travel before piercing a person's heart. Sometimes I use these projections to my advantage - sometimes I take aim and say just the right thing, at just the right time, and sometimes I do it just well enough to convince someone to fall in love with me.

And then there are times,
Yes...There are times when I am caught, stuck in my mind, surrounded by the dry dust of my thoughts, unsure and unclear. When I am tired and not-all-there. When I am so apathetic that I will let you slip through my fingers like the dreams I know I am letting go of, like the time I spend crying about them that I know I will not get back. Sometimes I won't speak for days - even weeks - on end and I will want you to think that I do not love you anymore because I can't fit you into any of the boxes I have made in my head, and sometimes I ignore you just enough to convince you to push me away.

But there are times,
Yes...There are times that I love, wonder, marvel, and even adore my world without you. When I can look out the car window and see the landscape slipping by like the time I spent crying about you, the time I know I will not get back, and I do not speak for a while. Sometimes these thoughts don't hurt as much as I thought they would, like a vaccine that I worried about right up until they stuck me with the needle and I think 'I could do that again', and sometimes I do just well enough with all the hurt I caused myself with you to look past all of it and see that it is still a beautiful world.

And there are times,
Yes, there are times,
When I feel just brave enough to share it with someone.

I used to say
you felt
like
"coming home".
That's all I ever wanted.
A home.
So what am I
supposed to do
when it's been ripped
away
from me.
When you passed out
the
eviction
notice.
I told you.
"Everybody leaves. I make everyone leave."
I've lived in over 20 houses.
How could I think
this one might actually be
a
home.

12/30/2013
I Met the **** Hater

Have you ever seen someone so beautiful
that you felt like crying?
Have you ever felt so utterly Disgusted by someone
that you wished they were dying?

Do you think I feel gay guts and gayness in my genes?
Or did society manufacture me - one of their gay liberal machines.
I'm not sure which is better,
Either  way you'll make me a martyr.
But I'll be your Hester Prynne baby
with my Big Gay Letter.

I cannot erase
that look on his face.
when he told me **** ****, Go Away.
I'll punch you in the face just for being Gay.

A separation of message and mind.
Hateful judgment is not hard to find.
When I stand in the shower,
or sit down on a park bench,
I'm a **** to him clear as gay.
It's like he thinks I ate some magic flower.
My girlfriends don't fare much better - to him called a bar *****.
This guy is the part of society that makes being gay scary to say.

He thinks Gays making out in public can't be allowed.
He thinks Legalized gay marriages should be disavowed.
He thinks Animal ***, *******, and ****** are because of gays.
He thinks Gay **** between two women might be more okay.
He thinks *** should **** more gay people.
He thinks Criminalizing ****** would make things more equal.
He thinks Adam's choice of Eve or Steve is all that matters.
He doesn't care about myself, or your heart's fragile rathers.

This man is the **** Hater.
Not a rare breed at all.
He could be your waiter,
or your teacher,
maybe even your sales assistant at the mall.

I Met the **** Hater,
while I made out with a guy at the bar.
The **** Hater was kinda old, yet strong and tall.
But I didn't fall
down.
or become dehumanized.
When I caught a glimpse of his face
and saw that utter look of Disgust
that I just cannot erase.
I saw it in his face - the **** Hater's
'**** Hate.'

I will never be a professional dancer
I will never know how to do the splits
I will never be on dancing with the stars
But I'll always love to dance

I am convinced
That if all mankind
Could only gather together
In one circle
Arms on each other's shoulders
And dance, laugh and cry
     together
   Then much
     of the tension and burden
       of life
     Would fall away
In the knowledge that
We are all children
Needing and wanting
Each other's
Comfort and
Understanding
We are all children
Searching for love

How heavy the days are.
There's not a fire that can warm me,
Not a sun to laugh with me,
Everything bare,
Everything cold and merciless,
And even the beloved, clear
Stars look desolately down,
Since I learned in my heart that
Love can die.