When I told you I was better
When I said I never relapsed
When I said the scars were healing
When I said the food stayed down
When I said you could do the same
When I said it gets easier

I lied.

I still cut and avoid food
Like the plague
I still cry at night
And there's nothing in the mirror
I don't hate

I still feel ugly
And hate the colour
Of my skin
I still pinch at my stomach
And feel so obese

I still say I'm 'erotophobic'
As though people want me
I still tell people I'm straight
And that 'I love God'

I'm still ashamed
I still blame myself
I still deny anything happened
I still believe I'm telling the truth

I'm still paranoid
I'm still afraid of everything
I still feel weak
I still have panic attacks

I still want to be held
I still pretend I like to comfort
I still pretend I'm strong
I still pretend I care

I still throw up
And my throat still hurts
I still smoke
And it still doesn't help

I still have rampant thoughts
I still hate conversation
I still feel inadequate
I still pretend I like my poetry

I still try to write my stories
The words no longer come to me
I still try to create a family of friends
I still can't abide the noise enough
To make it work

I'm still bitter
I'm still violent
I'm still unhappy
I still fake everything I do

I'm not really okay.
Not really.
And I wanted to say 'I'm sorry,'
I lied.

I'm that pretty kitty
Sitting on your windowsill
Leaving dander on the glass
Looking more than my fill

My fur is brown and black
My claws are sharp as knives
My teeth are quite sinister
And I've still all nine lives

You've never paid me much attention
And I ceased attempts to receive it long ago
You go about your day ignoring me
And I stare covetously through the window

I know you can see me
Every blue moon, you'll wave
We actually get along in a way
But not enough to sate all I crave

I wonder if you'll ever notice
My stare is unadulterated jealousy
But you never seem to notice
I also envy that naivety

But I'm just the pretty kitty
Perched up on this windowsill
All I want is to be seen from inside
But no one ever will

I've only eyes for the inside though
I've got my friends on this side of the glass
And they look at me, bemused and disgusted
Because, in all ways and forms, I'm obsessed

But I'm different and I'm on the wrong side
And I'm just the pretty kitty on the windowsill
But I'm not comfortable with my own kind
And with yours, I'm just good for visual appeal

So I'll sit here on this windowsill
Gazing enviously
Because neither side fits me
But it fits them perfectly

I'm sort of sick
Of hating you
But loving you is too cliche

I'm just a bit over
Ignoring you
But talking is overrated

I'm so far past
Writing you poetry
This is the exception

I'm just a bit beyond
Trying to get you
Because I'd hate to lose you

I'm not one for valuables
As valuables are stolen
And it breaks my heart

Should I ever get you
The thief would theive
The robber would rob
The hitman would hit
The assassin, assassinate
The seductress, ******

And I would lose you
As I lose everything else
So I won't have you at all

Because I'm above liking your eyes
No matter how they shine
When you laugh so brightly

I'm not one to treat you right
Though I would hold the doors
And take the bill

I'm too good to watch you
While I memorize the words
You say in your own little way

I'm to great for your problems
But if you confided in me
I'd be your greatest ally

And I'm far too good for these tears
Because I've not lied about a single thing
Not a single thing I've written here

The sun is setting
I'm prepared for bed
But I cannot sleep over the sound
Of things that go bump in my head

The night is dark
All the children are abed
But I can't sleep with all
The thoughts in my head

What if someone breaks in?
I'm far past paranoid
The house is creaking and moaning
I jump up at every noise

Why is everyone asleep
When I'm in such a panic
What if they're all dead
And this is the apocalypse?

What if there's and earthquake?
What if there's a tornado?
And I can't go to sleep because
If I'm not awake I won't know

I have to stay awake
To make sure nothing happens
But if something happens anyway
What would I do then?

If a robber gets in
Would I really want to be awake?
I'd have a better chance of survival
If I could just go to sleep

But the night is scary
So I'll wallow in my dread
And stay awake to deal with
All that goes bump in my head

She is unhappy
She feels so scarred
She feels so ugly
She feels so large

She looks so tired
She looks so trapped
She seems so sad
So broken, so snapped

She doesn't cry like an angel
Her eyes are puffy and her face is a mess
She gives silent heaves and wipes at her nose
And she knows she as ugly as everyone says

She ***** in her cheeks
Pinches her nose
Pulls up her brows
Then drops the pose

She changes her clothes
She fixes her nails
She cuts her hair
And no one cares

She slathers on foundation
Stains her lips with rouge
Conceals every imperfection
Stills her hair with mousse

She still feels ugly
She still feels overweight
She still won't eat a bite of food
Until she feels she looks great

But that day isn't coming
She is judged everyday
By that mirror and that scale
And the model on the front page

She's fat, she knows it
She's not in perfect shape
There's no thigh gap
There's no one that likes her face

And she's staring at the mirror
Seeing her reality
She wants to look better
She wants to be pretty

She's staring at the mirror
She's waiting for the image to change
She's waiting for her work to pay off
She checking every single day

And she's staring in the mirror
It's been years and she still doesn't fit
And she's staring at the mirror
But never once has she liked the image