I want to die
But I don’t know what that is.
No, I don’t just want things to be alright.
I’m tired of this world and life.
I want to write one more poem.
To let the story have an end.

And then leave by myself.
Which seems impossible for me, to just let everything go.
It took me everything to do everything in this life already.
Have it be ok enough to survive.
But it never really worked and it never felt alright.
So please let the story end.

Tell me where I will be free and where I’ll find my place.
A world of freedom with my old friends and feelings.
Still there but feeling good and better.
Not sick but in my power.
In love and able to rest in peace.
And fly away.

I can’t find my world in here.
Let me go soon now.
Write the end chapture here.
Let me die, let me go.
Let me find my courage to let go of everything, it’s not even working.
Ever.
Yet it’s all I really know.

I tried before to go.
Wasn’t my time.
Same right now, still things to wait for.
For people, for me.
Born suicidal, I hate this world, the life, the constant merciless days and nights.

I wanted euthanasia but in the end it was denied, trying again, reapplied.
Intensely long waiting time.

Although I know there’s more to this torturing life.
And every chapture had its own little subjects that perfectly align.
But now I need to die!
I want to, I have to.
Let me say goodbye, tell you “This is the end”.
For once and for all.
In this life for me finally.
Goodbye, goodbye.

The end.

A coldness.
Coming from different directions.
This wasn't what the forecast had promised.
Yet it was so clear to see it would come.

Because the sun can't shine everywhere at the same time.
I was always the storm but it's been raining too hard for so long.

You lost your reasons to find me again.
There's another better place for you to be.
At the horizon I watch you go down.
And I feel a coldness.

You're not coming back to shine bright in the morning.
Not on me.
Not with me.
No more rainbows.

Just coldness from many directions.
It's happened before.
Same directions.
Same different directions.

It's because I'm too heavy and now there's a better place to go.
And it keeps on happening, who can blame you for chosing the warmth?

And I kept on believing the lying promise of a brighter forecast over and over.
The sun had good intensions.
But the cold had to come.
It always had to come again and again.

Maybe I should have run away again to leave you dry.
That's when you wait for the storm.
It's always been the same.

But now the flood is high.
It will stay in the coldness.

Deep and dark.
Bye bye sun!
See ya again when the land gets too dry.
Oh well, I might as well run in this weather now.

Soaked already.
No point in waiting.
For you sun to come.
I know you won't and when you do you will leave.

It's just natural, I'm used to it now.
Doesn't make the cold not sting.
But I will keep running.
Some day you're running dry...

Suffering from life, the pressure.
Crying day. 💧
Spiders crawling.
During the day, in my dreams.
On the floor.
Like me.

I cannot run, hide or fight.
I have to sit right in the centre.
And suffer.

Looking at a painful sight.
In the corner of my eye.
As I try to focus on survival mode.

Because I can’t run.
Nowhere to hide.
Forbidden to fight.
Cause I will lose my only place to live.

Although it’s not living.
It’s suffering.
Like it’s always been.
In many ways.

The last one was kind of a present because it was the better of them all.
The place before this one that I had to leave behind.
I cried.
Closed that chapture, know why.
I had to go.

But sometimes I hear the half dead forest call.
The one that was behind my place to live and survive.
The place before where I live now.

Here there’s no half dead forest.
Just parked cars, shops and houses in every street, in front of my window.

Nowhere to run, no place to hide, no permission to fight.
The people here know quite well I’m not from here and don’t belong.
I cannot sing.
Not on my walks.
I’ve never been one for small talks when I meet the neighbours...

I already mentioned too much now, better never again talk to them.
Complained too much already, it’s inside me to address things when they’re happening.

Not sit with it just suffering in silence just waiting.
Agonizing.
But many people do not know that I cannot run, hide or fight.

And it’s eating at me all the time.
I want out but I know not where I’ll go.
Only that this world has no save space.

Ancient robots are cute little dancers.
The moon is a circle in a dream of a fantastic star.
But you are the one with the voice that is clear.
Always when I hear.
I see the world differently when you’re next to me.
I have to give away a piece of me as a piece of energy.

But who answers when nothing matters?
I mean: nothing can be forced so when I’m stuck, who takes me out?
Take me out on an adventure, don’t warn me, you never do anyway.
This time in a good way.
Please, pleading has no use.
Something’s always got to give, some breaking of the mind, some breaking of everything.
Some abuse.

Some rebuilding, reshaping, I got no say in when, how and where, better not care.
Take care.
And please tell me: will we be making sandwiches again?
Again in the world beyond this one?
Another Matrix or the source?
Enjoying the simple things of life on earth, no more, no more, not anymore?

The power of creation.
New things.
New worlds.
Black circles, everything.
It’s coming, always coming in and out, and in and never out, let me in, never out, never in.
Come in.
Come out alive.
We all want to come out alive, right?
I didn’t.
But I did.
I was born but never came out myself, almost died.

I wanted to dance but they put me in a room with no space.
So I gained weight.
And when I wanted to sing all these people in this town started staring.
So I started skating, tying the laces of skates till my fingers started bleeding.
Even with plastic tape around them it’s not always working and my muscles are hurting from bending and tying.
Tying laces for 20 minutes before finally skating freely.

And after years I finally found a good mattress but now it’s laying there in the way of everything.
It doesn’t fit on the bed, in my room, no space for exercising.
A shop at every street, no space for walking.
No space in my head when OCD-ing, trying to find a way through this everyday.

All that most people can see is me complaining.....

Finding your way every single day.
A game to play and a love to stay.

Strategy, tragedy.
A darkness all over me.

A love too strong to deal with.
Playing games to deal with life.

Honesty, personality.
**** me, love me, believe me, believe my story, I’m sorry.

A game we both play.
Untill the harness and garments fall away.

Let me in deep inside.
Or just be all over me.

Nothing around you is working out.
But you're working every day.
Your children are both dying.
Husband's always working.
You're doing everything.

People are calling you with questions.
To which you're always giving the right answers.
But nobody sees you slowly turning numb from all the darkness.
You are not even screaming anymore.
Your voice now sounds so sore.

You know you carry the moon and sun at the same time for so long.
Everyday and every night.
You had to be the fire that was always on, full blasting burning.
Meanwhile your eldest kept on teaching you about the world and everything.

Your youngest had to be a warrior coming home with wounds you had to mend and bind.
No time for fun or just feeling good for such a long long time.

It still keeps going on and on.
You're waiting for the big turning, a place for settling and everything to be alright.
But these days are long gone, everything you have is now and you're trying the best you can all along.
No grandkids and no future.

But it's all just here in this horrible world, you see?
Look how far you've already come.
It's never been in vain.
You're right where you need to be.
And so are we.

Even though it hurts, you're doing well.
And it's been seen.
You're not alone.
Nothing will stay.
But our connection.
And all the battles we've gone through, still never giving in.
Fighting for what we know is right.

I believe in you.
This moment is now just for you, close your eyes and feel it, you deserve it.
And so much more.
It is still inside and always will be.
You are a universal mother.

The source is inside of us.
All.
Who says this is the one and only Matrix?
Who wants to go back to the source?

With your heart.
With your love.
Your energy.
It’s all inside.

Go outside.
Of this Matrix or another.
Who wants to be there?
Be inside.
It’s all inside us.
Where is the dark hole full of comfort?

I’ve seen it in my dreams, felt it in my core.
Twin flames and all the special ones that came.
In my dream I can feel you, the energy is one that is only coming through with you.

Let me go to my dream, find you again.
Your amazing authentic energy that only comes with you.
From you.
When I see you.

It was 05:55 am.
I called my mom.

I didn't know what Sharvi meant.
Until I Googled it.

5 is its lucky number.
And it has something to do with Aquarius, my zodiac.

It's time though I can't.
But I can't go on.

Latest nickname.
Latest poem.

My mom's name is Ingrid.
She's a spirit just like us.

But in her it shows now cause she knows everything there is to know.
About life and death.

Sorry, this is one of my worst poems but I'm not in a good headspace cause I'm going away.
I hope to find a place like my dreams.

My dreams where I could never stay, was always ripped away from.
But my mom was there this time.

Because of her I can do everything.
Because of my sister I could live.

Because of my dad I could do any challenging thing.
Because of my grandma I could get through the failed suicides.

So they are amazing.
Not just for that but for that they are my heroes.

Please never forget them.
Their deeds.

They need to be acknowledged.
For me.

Sometimes your own pain stings your eyes too bad to look at other people's struggles.
Sometimes your neck cracks too hard to turn around and give a person one last look.
Sometimes your mind is too heavy to think about how somebody you care about is actually doing.
We are all doing our best.

When nothing feels right, how do you make somebody else feel better?
It's a massive challenge.
Sometimes you just need to walk away.
Guilt is not helping anyone but yet you feel it sometimes.
Just appreciate the others for putting up with the struggle, for holding your hand through the pain.

Rest your heavy heart and mind.
It's not up to you how things turn out.
It's life.
Keep on loving, trying and being the best you can.
Sometimes that means you're lying with your head in somebody's hands.
Somebody that loves you, somebody amazing, somebody that's worth everything.

So are you.
You are not worthy of having this world.
This world is not worthy of having you.
If I knew a better place I'd take you there.
Let's go together.
Sometimes when you have the energy it's possible.
Or we can just dream until it's time to go..... ✨🎇🌙💜💫

I’ll be bathing in the softest substance
Just for when you’re ready to receive me.
If you know and understand me just enough.

Just enough to let me drown when it’s time to go.
Just enough to dance and swim when we still have time.

Just enough to let me lie down and close my eyes till the break of dawn.
To know that when I wake up you are the only bright sparkle in the sky.

Don’t call me ever.
Don’t leave me alone.
Don’t ever expect me to show up.
Don’t expect me to not show up.
Pick me up from the floor if you want me to be there.
That’s where you’ll find me these days.
I won’t pick up.
Won’t pick myself up.
I just survive unless you really want you and me to try.
Try to be together for some time.
I close my eyes till we arrive and the place you want to take me.
That’s where you’ll have me fully.
If you and I try.
I close my eyes and drift off sometimes, when you talk I don’t reply.
I hear every word.
I probably love to hear it and think about it.
But I don’t answer right away.
I lie there as your twin baby.
Slowly and slightly reaching for you and pulling away again.
Maybe even do a little dance.
And then start to tell a story that has no end.....

I am Lisbeth Salander when I have to be.
But sometimes I just want to.
Especially with you.

You are much older than me.
It’s what I’m into, I always have been.
It’s who I am.

And sometimes I’m Lisbeth Salander.
Because sometimes I have to.
And sometimes I want to so it’s also who I am.

And it’s not wrong, fighting through life.
Picking the right and slightly bad old men.
Life itself has more pain and danger than the situations I chose to be in.

But some men hurt me because I actually care.
And they act like they do but they drop me, leave me, act like they never knew me.

Probably because I got to know them too well.
In a way they never wanted me to.
A part of them that they couldn’t hide.

And I still loved them but they couldn’t love a person that knows a version of them that they hate.

If you asked me everything on our first date I would never want to answer.
Too much info kills the passion....

But it’s the person you and I show each other that matters.
The person you are to me from the moment we meet till it’s over.
That’s who I got to know.

I’m not afraid of death.
Nothing ever stays the same.
And when I get the slightest form of a feeling of being at home somewhere I lose it again.

I did receive my soulfamily but never a lover.
I couldn’t have one either cause I’m never at home anywhere.
Always moving away, never at ease, being too wilde and yet too tired.

So, no I’m not afraid of death and I’ve seen my path making sense.
It wasn’t in vain even though it’s always been so rough, nearly impossible.
But there’s a space for everything at every time.

What I am afraid of is dying, the process, doing it alone especially.
Not knowing where the journey ends.
But when the journey here will end I’m sure I’d be content.

But how it will is what scares me.
Letting go of my body and everything I know.
Although I was never at home somehow I can’t let it go on my own.
And I’m not sure when I can.

There's nothing that I ''could have'' or ''should have'' done.
I learn what doesn't work everyday from yesterday.
A new day to ''could'' maybe ''should''.
But it's ok.
I tried everything it seems.
Sometimes I fly but most of the time I'm bound in a chamber of despair.

Letting go is a form of courage.
And so is not giving in when getting tortured.
Iron grinding.
Piercing burning captured body.
Scream!

I want to forget myself.
Live not for me.
Devote my life to something that actually still is working.
Or sacrifice it to become my truest form.
I don't want to be covered by so much choas that there's no space to exist.
And if I have to I make the choas worth it.

Nothing left to lose again.
No tomorrow.
Only moments.
Only love but no freedom.
Maybe if we can escape.
Yes, when we escape we can still have freedom.

So much choas to run through.
So I tried to find skates.
I will find them soon and use a working code to get through all of these closed gates.
Speeding through.

Like I've done in dreams before, riding through tunnels.
Not walking around in nightmares.
Dark industrial bare spaces, lost without a bus stop in sight or map to guide me right.
Only my own intuition a destination I'm trying to find.

Purple lights through the heavy curtains being shut.
I'll go with the same intense energy.
As the purity of my rage, my love.
My eyelids are dark veils dropping above the deep dark river that scared you.

I drop my body backwards into this deep dark river.
It's cold but I only feel it for a moment.
I land at a place where the idea of you is true.
And you're not just digging your nails into my hands but holding them forever.

Now I'm hanging by your hands above the deep river that scares you.
Apparently I scare you, offend you, I offended you so bad that you'll never forget.
Good, I hope you'll never forget.
Now drop me, I'm not scared, I've been there, you're always near.

Maybe you should jump in with me some day.
Swim with me and hold my hand.
It will only hurt for a moment.
And your life will hurt a lifetime.
With or without me.

My eyelids are dark veils dropping above the deep dark river that scared you.
Just to show you how the truth's been covered up for you ever since you opened your eyes.

Purple lights, you call them fake.
They are the truth coming through like the purity of your rage and my love for you.
I'll come to you with the same energy that offended you.
Just because I love you and want to show you every side of the story.

Before the veils fall down again and the heavy curtains are being shut forever.
Grab my hand and dig your nails into the inside of my fingers before letting go again.
I'm not a sucker of your energy like you feared I would be.
Not a sucker, just a feeler.

And a teller of stories.
Just like you but in a different language.
With different endings.
Different characters.
Stranger places.
With purple lights and endless views.
With background music that you never heard.

Your first time.
First concert.
Greatest offense.
First time in the dark deep river.
I'll hold your hand.
Even though you fear me.
You can trust me.

We'll go with the same intense energy.
And we're connected.
You'll hear/see/feel from me!
As the purity of our rage and love drops over this world as we run all over it together.
Your eyes can tell me that they know of the purple light, but you've been told it wasn't real.

It's more real than this world, don't you know by now?
Grab my hand when you seek for anything different.
My eyelids are dark veils dropping above the deep dark river that scared you.
But I keep my eyes open just to let you spot the purple light.
And I let you decide for yourself how fake it looks this time.
What do you feel/see/hear?

Just energy, where would you be?
Moving through the universe being able to feel/hear/see through the dark blue river.
It wasn't everything but it changed everything, this life, meeting each other.
It wasn't the ending when I closed my eyes.
When the heavy curtains shut.
You've seen the light, now go outside.

You dug your nails into my hand.
On the inside at the bottom of my fingers.
I asked you to do it once again after you finished.
That was too intense.

But now I'm tired and you are lost again somewhere in your own head.
At a place you share with people that are not friends.
What will happen when I move away from your work place?
You live in a shelter, can you even stay with me when I move in 3 weeks?

You can't escape.
Just like me, I have to keep on moving, continue this torture.
Do you want to escape with me?
It seems, not really.
You don't invite me but when I invite you, you sometimes like it.
You still talk about how it was your very first concert when I asked you out.

But all you do is hurt me.
And sometimes it excites me so intensely, you feel to me like nobody ever felt before.
You like my body and I'm like nobody you know.
But you don't show me that you care so much, still you ask me to sit beside you.

And I reach for your hand....
For you to dig your nails into my hand.
On the inside at the bottom my fingers.
I ask you to do it once again after you finish.
That is so intense.

I hope to create a dreamworld today.
Cause I wasn’t allowed to dream last night/morning.
A new year is coming.....

The December month is over.
We all made it through a year of torture, sadness and love.
Bless you all from the universe.
The mothers that hold you in the silence.
Their energy is divine like yours in your pain!

I wish for dreamworlds for us all:
Better places with people that can feel like we do.
Instead of disappointments, torturing agony/exhaustion/ fighting and needing too many sleep meds....

I wish for love to be spreading and to feel like we want to.
To be free from rules and aggression.
Have something to fight for.
Fight with passion, great energy and love for everybody!

Not sleeping or constantly waking.
No comfort, no mercy.
Having to go on but it hurts to live.
I want to sleep.
Without being afraid that the mattress will sink.
The sounds will keep waking me when I'm just in peace.
So up doing laundary cause I'm already losing the days.
Unable to go to the pharmacy in time.
Cause trying to sleep in when I can....
Needing time.
Needing sleep.
Needing peace.
Needing escape.
Never any mercy.
Nothing's ever working.
And I'm trying but I'm so over it.
So depressed.
Broken body and mind.
OCD, intrusive thoughts, sensitivity, overwhelmed constantly.

As you know, gut feelings don't lie.
My guard was up with you from the start.
Somehow you broke through.

I never told you a lie.
Or anything that wasn't true.
Still you didn't want to listen.
You let me listen to your problems and pain.
You let me help you.

Your best friend even told me: be carefull, he's so sensitive.
Me too, I told him loudly, extremely.
What about me?

But it was never about me it seems.
Your pride, your ego, I had to have respect.
Respect needs to be earned.

Maybe later you think back to this and learn.
I screamed at you: Why can you not be understanding with me as I'm also deeply hurting and suffering?!
It didn't really seem to get through to you at all....
And so I had to cut you off.

So harsh, the ugly truth inside your perpect looking Persian eyes.
This Viking is leaving, never to return.
No regrets but still torn and angry.
I fought for you before you showed me it had all just been in vain.
Now I still have to see you for 5 weeks untill I'm moving.

Moving away from you forever.
Only left with my true friends to visit.
I hope I'll never have to hear another ugly word from you again or see you after that.
Words and looks of empty pride.
While my good friends are still humble and loyal, I gave you my all.
Foolish little fight, way too big fight to handle cause I could never win this one.
So I'm saving myself again for what's left to be done and fight for now.

You chose to look away when I was in battle.
While I was thinking about your fights constantly.
Did you learn that in your culture?
All autistic women are better off dead than to live with people like you.

You told me your stories, you were a beast in your country.
You're not so much of a changed man.
Nobody can save you from your ego but you.
To think you tried to teach me things about sprituality and everything.
Hope I showed you something....

But I'm leaving.

I don't want to hurt you.
But I leave you alone.
For now.
Cause it's not working, devastating.
The bubble bursting again from the tension.
Help, I'm hurting.... you.

Are you ok?
I'm sorry.
There's nothing I can do.
About this.
About us.
It's not right.
We stopped dreaming.

But I never want to hurt you.
If it doesn't fit with who I am in this lifetime I have to be honest.
I hate to be this mess, to chose the fight instead of the comfort.
The love that we share is always gonna be there, I still care.
It's all just so unfair, painful, brutal battles.

Help, I'm hurting you.
Painful truth, horrible battles to fight again.
Life is never easy.
Never peaceful.
Intense and heavy.
From start to end.
And now something ends and something else is beginning again.
But I hate to hurt you and leave you.

Help, I don't want to hurt you.
But I leave you alone.
For now.
Cause it's not working, devastating.
The bubble bursting again from the tension.
Help, I'm hurting.

YOU.

Life's never easy.
We're not here for a good time.
So I became crazy.

You said you'd be my Godfather.
But I'll be your personal little guiding mother.
I know you've never met somebody like me before ever.
And I'm only here to love you, open you up and get you ready.
Meanwhile I'd love the process, the moments.
And I'm free.
Tortured but free.
Loving harder than the pain.
Taking your pain away through touching you.
Showing you a different way through guiding you.

Having an impact on that part of the universe.
Just like you touch and impact my spirit so much around here and beyond.
It goes deeper than this place.
So don't just reach for the old teaching and the rules inside here.
Let me show you the way beyond Jesus and all these great preachers and teachers.
They're alright but it's all still within the rules of this place.
So let me show you these different places now, it'll get crazy but you won't because you're ready.
I'll show you where we both can go to, let go.
Be wild, crazy and free, ancient pagan natural.
Spiritual, divine, part of everything, inside our own world and creations.

All these different options I see.
They are just there everywhere all the time.
Time is relative.
Be creative with it.
Intensely loving the moment.
Intensely loving inside it.
Inside you, I'll guide you.
Just watch me.
You can do it too, do it with me.
Do it with me.

Always doing that job that I want to do even more after my work around here is done.
Let me, I'll trust the process.
But I'll still be rebellious me, always.
Meanwhile I love you, so special what you do to me.
But my brother doesn't like it.
My spirit brother's disappointed.
It hurts a lot to see that I have to let him down sometimes, not go with him everytime.
But I can only live from moment to moment.
I love him but it's been in me all the time to fight hard for these greater outcomes.

Intense missions.
Intense intensions.
Great moments.
Great gates opened wide perspectives.
Intense kisses.
Opening up spirit.
Toughing, feeling it.
Finally pushing through because I need to.
Because I can, it's my job, my mission.
Be the show that shows you everything I got to show.
Different directions.
Different dimensions.
Intense moments....

Godfather, let me entertain you.
Like money will never do.
Let me kiss you and push through all of your boundaries, your build up worries
You told me stories of the beast inside you.
Hold me like you'd hold these women that still see you as a beast.
Heal me, heal you, heal them hopefully too eventually.
Through my pain, I'll heal your pain, through your pain I'll open you, I'll love you.
I'll have a new mission to enjoy the outcome of.
As long as I'm still around.
Unable to really live, love, be alive.
Let me guide.

Just like a lost soul wandering but in a body.
That's been me now for so long.
But I'm getting ready.

Still developed a lot myself.
Had influence on others.
But wandering without a future, not yet ready to die.
Holding on like that for so long.
Untill I was ready.

Tried to leave but failed a couple of times.....
Now I finally received a way out that is sure to succeed.
Still the hardest thing to do.
Very lonely.
I just had to wait a little longer....

Then one night my mom told me: you've got to end this, make a plan now finally and make up your mind!
My fiery mom.
With old Norse wisdom inside of her naturally.

It had to be my time though.
An old friend apologized to me when he saw me again.
He needed that before I left.
But now it's time to get ready, not hang around in limbo.

My mom is right.
My mom, equal in my battles.

I had to realize I need to be a true Viking.
Find pride and courage in the sacrifice.
The hardest one.
Dying in battle.
My only escape.

I'm not having any fun.
Sleeping till 2 pm.
Going to bed at midnight.
My body's not ready for the day.
Never anymore.
Not ready to be loving, not ready to be ready.
Self distruction because of feelings, heavy, clumsy.
Always so low or too high at tiny little moments in the day, fighting.
Trying to find space inbetween.
For peace.
For love.
For care.
For you.
For me.

Sick of learning and teaching.
I think I got it all.
This life has been so long already.
Let me be ready.
Ready for the move.
Ready for this love that I've been craving possibly all my life long.
It is not here, it can't be done here.
Doesn't fit with all my so lows and too high highs to come down from right.
Trying to find peace in everything.
Through walking.
Through dancing.
Through listening.
Through singing.
Through breathing.

Fresh air.
Fresh love.
Fresh life.
Fresh form.
Fresh space.

Being a fresh new being.
Being in a fresh new world.
Being with a fresh new loving.
Being a fresh new creation.
Developed into something.
Fresh and new.

The torturing sleepless nights where all the bad keeps coming to me in my dreams....

Sometimes I get up and eat too much.
Sometimes I start planning my death.
Life is so cruel.
The days aren't even working either.
My bed isn't a save place, doesn't stay comfy when I get it comfy.
And waking from everything!
So many things happening to wake me, through the earplugs, through the sleeps meds.

So I sit here again feeling too heavy holding my head in my hand.
Will I try again, give all I can again, mess up the mattress again probably by tossing and turning?
Nothing's working, I keep trying but why why why!?
I should have the courage to end it all, be a true Viking after all.
But death remains a strange thing and my good friends and family need me to stay a little longer.

But how much more torture is worth it when life won't ever work again?
Relationships don't ever work, ocd and intrusive thoughts are always coming.
Triggers from things I don't understand that my sister said, she triggers me like nobody else even though she's so nice and also suffering.
I dream about her, ocd and horror.
Sometimes the ocd is waking me up again too.

The worst scenario cause it ***** up everything even more.
I'm my dream I'm the one torturing her, breaking her skull.
But actually it's the ocd I want to **** and the pain of not being comy, not sleeping, not being able to just love and have a relationship.
Guess I'll have to **** me for that, but what is death?
I know life is our own journey, for us to develop, but the torture neeeds to end!
FINALLY!

I’ll be my own witch mother.
Telling myself that I’m only allowed to be upset when all hope dies and nothing is alright.
Only then I can run to the half dead place and scream.
Curse the day that I was born and the days I didn’t die but really tried.

Gently she whispers as I cry:
Have tea, hold on, trust the situation now.
If you can’t and get betrayed, you may still run.
As fast as you can, cry as loud as you must, as determined as ever.
But before that you must wait and see if it’s possible to pull through.

Hold on longer, even longer.
Fight alone but with this whisper in your ear.
Whispers from your own witch mother, gently blowing these words at you.
Guiding you through the torturing night......
Again.

Cause there’s something important that needs for you to stay.
Something truely beautiful waiting as well.
You must stay.
You will stay.
You will hold on.
You can.

It will be done.
It shall as it must.
And it will through the tears, through the pain, through the suffering.
You know it never fully broke your spirit.

Even though it always kept on killing, breaking, shattering, destroying everything for you.
You kept creating a new way.
You can again.
And if not you’re allowed to run, be upset and cause a storm.

I want to write about the universe.
About how it's never ending.
About where we might go.
To where there's more creation in vibrant colours.

Or just dark holes to fill with sparkles.
No more quantum copy and paste.
True creation from within that can fly around.
I dive into it with wonder and find true love that never dies.

I cry as a creature all night.
Why won't you find me here?
Love that I can't reach.
Where should I go?

I want to write this to the universe.
Put it in a sparkling black and purple bottle, throw it in the endless waters.
Or send a ship with black sails and big old Vikings and I'll be hiding somewhere on their boat with them.
Sail off into the land we've never known.

Can we fall in love when we are dead?
I'm sure we can.
Even deeper.
Even heavier.

Without death.
Without decay.
True and pure.
Everyone is worth such love.

Divine us.
We are divine creatures.
We are Gods.
We feel our spirit.

We can fall in love inbetween worlds as well.
Enter that world with someone some day.
You are lucky, both very lucky when you can.
It takes great pain still to enter the inbetween.

It takes a life of strive and battle.
Being half alive,
Two bodies in the inbetween......
What a magical way to be. ✨🌙

I want to be away.
Take me away.
With you.
Let's sail off into the land we've never known.

Be my king.
Let me hold you.
Skin to skin and intertwined, redivined.
Us divine, us creatures, halfway into the universe.

Halfway still in a bed of sand.
On the ground.
The pieces that keep us around.
Around here for now.

Inbetween.

Letting go.
It can’t get to me.
Everything dies.
And what’s left is me.
What I want.
Where I am.
The place I created.
The love for people, places and sounds.
Stripped down.
Still a creature.
I’m everything.
Yet nothing lasting.
Yet never dying.
Always changing.
But my love remains.

Sound moves
Sound moves things
Movements
Movements make sound
Sounds like a movement
Movements to a sound

When life is overwhelming and you don't know where anything and anyone is going to.....
The people that have your back are everything.
The places that calm you down are calling your name.
Everything else will happen as it will.
Keep loving, just do what you need to do.
And be you, completely you.
Walk your own way.

Bye bye, I just want to die.
I’m eating myself but I’ll never ever be satisfied in here.
Is there a place where I can feel save?
Is there a time for me to feel free?
Can I let go, really fall backwards?
Nobody believes the fall when they see it.
I’ll just be dropping down in the middle of the street.
But instead of being injured I’ll burst into a thousand pieces.
And nobody would find them.
It keeps on happening.
Almost every day.

Bye bye, I just want to die!
But instead I break, I shake, I fly in a thousand pieces.
And at night I drop down but not to rest well, just to collect the pieces.
As well as I can.
Nobody can find me.
Sometimes somebody finds a piece.
Thank you so much, let me give you this one.
Be gentle please but just fly with me.
In the end we say: bye bye.

I just want to die.
Nice to be out of this feeling for some time.
Everyone can only have a piece, never fully me.
And there are too many pieces flying and falling around now.
I don’t know where I can go.
I have no save place.
Feed me freedom.
I’m starving.
I’m lying all around the cold floor.
Nobody can see.
They’re just walking on like me in this mess.
I’m the mess, my world is in pieces all the time.
I can’t collect myself.
I’m flying around.
You can’t hold me, keep me ever, anywhere, inside, outside, upside down.
Bursting all the time.
Bye bye, I just fly, bye bye, I just want to die.

But all the pieces keep flying and I’m never ready to find them and burry them all.
I’m so tired.
I can’t hide.
I can’t find the pieces inside to stop myself from flying.
To finally say: bye bye, I’m just gonna die!

I'm sitting here in front of you.
With all these tears streaming.
That you're not even seeing.
Or choose not to see.
Blue white and black.
Look inside of my world.
If you care, if you dare.
Don't tell me that I'm a baby.
Though I may cry like one.
Hysterically.
Do you know why?
Why babies cry in that way?
Because they were ripped away from their homes.
And I still feel it all the time.
Baby come home.....

I want more.
I want to show you more.
I want to see more.
I want more.
I want to feel you more.
I want to feel more good.

I want less.
I want to talk less.
I want to talk with you less.
I want less.
I want to think less.
I want to feel less darkness.

I was falling apart.
Every day.
I started falling for you.

I didn't know where to pick the pieces from.
Pieces to give, to show, to live.
I gathered some.

But once they fell again you treated me like a child.
A child that knocked over its block tower.
Like I was stupid for doing so.

Not noticing I was falling apart and tripped.
That's why I hit the blocks.
The black blocks of this tower.

It was fragile like me and made to fall.
Like me.
But each block is too strong to break.

Maybe there were just too many to keep this fragile tower standing.
And maybe if you looked you would have noticed.

But you were never taught to look and always too busy to see.
No one is to blame.

But now I'm lying here with these pieces everywhere all by myself.
Not knowing where to pick these pieces from again and again.....
Why won't you see?
I wish I could swim so I'd be floating.

No need for building, not need for holding, if it rains blocks I'll dive under.
Meet me there.

You would love me.
Now you don't cause I'm too much, I can't get it together, whatever.
Can't keep trying to find pieces to give, pieces to show, pieces to live.
**** these blocks up into a deep black hole and let me swim.
I'm falling apart.
Every day.▪️◾️◼️⬛️

You put it right in front of me.
So I will always know that it's there.
Maybe some day, some time I'll get to have it so I keep waiting.
Getting prepared for what's never going on.

I thought feeling lonely and sufferig all by myself was hard and unfair enough.
Untill you came along.
Just to always tell me something to hold on to.
To let me know that there's a deep connection.

You tel me at night that you might be coming to see me when you're ready.
But you either don't come at all or you just have a sip from my cup and go.
I know why it can't be different, we can't get caught.

But this is worse than lonelyness.
Getting prepared for nothing after years of feeling alone.
Tension without release.
Not being able to give up again.
Life always plays these tricks on me.

Can I let go of you and let go of this game?
I want to see what will come out of it.
But I can't live here waiting.
Not being ready wouldn't feel right to me either.
Cause I'm a mess that needs some fixing.

But fixing takes times and energy.
Which I'm giving now for nothing.
Let me go then if you can't come.
Or maybe accept the mess that I am.
But I can't always accept it when I want this one moment of freedom, one moment that's right.

I always do anything for these moments.
Sometimes I wonder why.
Is it even worth it anymore?
Hurting myself like that when my body feels exhausted, stiff, tired, out of it, completely lost.
Then just leave me in my space and get out of it!

You just leave me feeling so sad and disappointed.
Unsatisfied as can be.
Worse than lonely.
And you're not even to blame.
No one is to blame, life plays these games on you and me.
I was already falling apart.
Now my heart is too.
Worse than ever.

Put it in front of my face.
Like a spirit world that I can't go to.
Let me go.
Don't hold me prisoner.
All my life.
An unfair game.
A broken toy.
In pieces.

Then don't let me see it.
Let me sleep.
Forever.
Be comfortable and not pressured, prepared.
Let me sleep and let go.
Let me go in peace.

Maybe I no longer want to fight.
Not looking like I just got out of battle most of the time.
Some days I want to be clean and at peace even when I'm still sad.
I want to be able to walk in a long dress with long dark hair waving around my face.
No tears or blood streaming.
I am a raven but I'm also a woman.
I want to walk with an old lover.
Or a good friend.
Through the field and sing songs even when they're sad.
Not always screaming through the pain.
But walk barefoot on the grass and embrace all the beauty that's surrounding us.
Not be blinded by my tired flooded eyes.
Not lie there exhausted by myself in a half dead place with my shoes full of mud.
My strength always being spent.
My head always swollen, covered in red.
Teeth grinded from the pain.
I want to fly as I walk in peace to the sounds that are meant to be.
Meant to heal.
Meant to nourish the soul.
And I want to share this feeling with the source instead of sharing an explosion of pain.
Every day.

Coming out of the dark dust, the grey fog, the deep blue.....
To see you but you don’t want me actually.
You just miss something and somebody and sometimes I can fill that void.
You fill mine too.
And I thought I loved you but you showed me that I can’t.
So I try not to but it’s not working.
So here I come again out of the dark dust, the grey fog, the deep blue.
I wish you could see me.
Really see me through all the dust, grey fog and blue.
Maybe you would actually find me.
And find what you miss.
But you can’t.
Maybe you try but it’s not working.
So here I go again.
Back into the dark dusk, the grey fog, the deep blue.

To live in this world.
The bravest thing you’ll ever do.
This world is divided, hard, unfair as can be and killing.
Cold and uncomfortable!
Let’s hope that the world beyond this one is better.
Nothing, not being a thing turning into something.
Horror vacui!
And everything will change once more.
Nothing will stay nothing.
Beyond a brain.
Spiritual realm.

Oh come on.
It’s not right.
I’m tuning in to the deep within.
Telling the source of my agony.
Let me go.
I try to let my body fall down into the sky.
And I’ll be fine, I’ll make it through for a while.
I have patience and just be.
Try my best.
But I don’t like it anymore.
It hurts all the time.
It’s not right.
Oh come on.

Small soft light pink little flowers,
on a background of black demp stones with sand and water.
I’m aching but still walking.
I do not ever want to lose you.

It is torture, it is pleasure.
This way I can’t live.
With you I’m stuck in the day.
But at night I’m finally free.
Free from this world.

Totally gone.
In a dance, a movement, a moment.
Holding on to that.
When the day is not mine and nothing feels right, stuck in here waiting.
Waiting, biting, burning & bursting in agony.

My hands wrapped around my chest.
Biting on the steel in my mouth.
Why do I continue?
Just for the moments when I can escape.
Into a garden of small soft pink little flowers.
On a background of black demp stones with sand and water.

Water me!
Let me drink purity and let me lie down in the stream of the dark water.
Peacefully.
Water the soft pink flowers, I know they will never die.

The stream is always running.
My screams are always coming from the deep depths of life.
On the inside.
I don’t want to be inside this life, this world.
When I’m not escaping.
When I’m only waiting in a day that’s not mine.

When nothing’s alright.
It’s a torture & it’s a pleasure.
This way I can’t live.
With you I’m stuck in the day.
But at night I’m finally free.

Let me feel free, running down the stream.
Letting it all come.
Lying in here all calm.
Calm, come with me.

And I want to escape in a dance.
In the world that I choose.
That I feel.
That feels me.
I want you here.
I do not ever want to lose you but I need to be in that world that I choose.

Recurring nightmares.
Not in my sleep.
Wish I could sleep.
Sleep it away.
Be comfy.
Be ok with life.
Fighting some more.
Too much again.
Through the next few days and nights.
Hopefully without too much damage.

Last night was a disaster.
The morning a mess.
Too much went wrong.
Damaged my clothes, washed them too hot at half past 5 am.
Because sleeping wasn't an option.
Thinking is not happening.
Just doing, just doing, always just having to do, be this.
Being in this world, being like this.
Feeling so **** uncomfortable!

Loving too **** much to let go.
But we cannot sleep together.
We cannot make each other happy in the long run.
Just moments.
Moments where you come to me, I come to you.
Giving each other strength and love.
So strong.
Everything ***** but love is so strong.
I just realised most of my friends are around 60 years old.
Who will survive who?

Naturally I will survive most likely.
I don't want to, so I know my fate again, I'm not going to be left behind.
But I'll try to stay and only care for the now.
Live now if you can call it that at all.
In the moment where I keep falling in love.
With love for you all.
Love heals for a moment, love takes you away.
Like music and magic.
Naturally, spiritually.
It's all inside of me, the agony, the pain and the joy.
But now let me sleep.....

I’m melting in the wild fire.
Coming out as the rain.
As a flood I take you in my arms.
In the sky I’ll change from a strong wind into warm rays of sun coming through like a phoenix.

Like a raven in a bath of blood.
In your car when the sun goes down.
My eyes tired from the constant adrenaline and listening to all the noises.

Feeling everything and then being left all alone.
In a half dead place,
with a half dead face.
And a body that’s spreading itself out on the demp sand and grass.

I knew the way to Walhalla.
I fought and came out.
Still here in this world for now.
The fountain is where I walk to during the day.

The half dead place is where I enter the gate when it’s late.
And dark outside.
And lonely.
And bad.

So useless just wondering.
After a long fight, just escaping.
I know I have to be there now alone.
Odin told me to go.
So I listened.

Because I can never stay too long anywhere with anyone.
He knows, I know.
I’m melting in the wild fire that I caused.
That others cause before me.
They pulled me in.
Like a black raven in a blood bath.
And the sky will change.

I take you in my arms like a flood.
Into the warm rays of sun.
Coming through like a phoenix.

I wish the days were like the mornings where I see you waking smiling.
When I come lying beside you.
After enough sleeping.
To be cuddling. A little longer..... Never long enough.
I miss the nights when we prepare dinner, play music, drinking Irish coffee.
A little dancing.
Clothes come off and on again.
My dark eye make up.
Smudged.
Love, always feeling loved.

Just enough energy to be happy.
But most days I wake up too early, sleep too late.
There’s no way of resting.
Noises and stress, an uncomfy mess.
Stiff and tired.
Cramped and trying.
Nothing’s working.

I want to be dreaming even though life’s but a dream.
More like a nightmare, a night terror.
Voilent, never silent, never peaceful, full of conflict.
But I can’t leave you there lying alone.
I cannot leave this dream now that you know what if feels like when I don’t let go.
I didn’t want to let you go.
And I couldn’t.

But I’m broken now.
Completely broken.
And I think the terrors are old news but they keep happening here still.
So I’m waiting and walking in a dream for you to come in and say: let’s make a morning today.
Let’s make a day like the morning of cuddling.      
The day should be a little dreamy and still we’re fighting through each battle that comes our way.

Disappointment was the key word to our relationship for me.
I was willing to commit, to work and fight for it.
You weren't even fully in, sometimes giving me everything just to throw it away the next day.
Disappointment constantly.

It hurt to be with you.
Now it hurts not to see you or even hear from you.
When I don't call it stays silent, you've given me a wrong treatment.

You said so many wrong things.
I let it slide, wanted to believe in better days, better moments.
But many times for whole full days you just checked out.
Days in a row breaking me by not being there while being next to me.
It took all of my energy and strength to exist in that way being sensitive and already suffering and struggling.
So badly, and then you use my weaknesses against me when I tell you about how you're just not there.
Or even kind of only taking what you like of me, not wanting me completely.

I let it **** with my heart.
I let you **** with my heart.
You knew me so well, understood my full story.

And I know yours.
And the pain it brings to me now because you don't really want me, you don't really care.

Only sometimes you really seem to.
Stop that.
I stopped that.
Now it's silent.

You seem to be just fine with it.
Maybe making up some story to friends and family of how I let you down and they'd agree.
I'm crazy, no good.
Never been any good.
Throwing your whiskey down the drain because once again you had changed.
I bought you a new bottle almost right away anyway.
Not because I thought I was wrong but because it shouldn't be about the money, the whiskey.
I didn't care.
But for you....

you cared about the whiskey and everything else.
You share fantasies on websites about a woman who got away.
She's not me.
You know I can see and read it.
You don't mind, you don't care.

Sometimes you really do, always disappointing me cause ''she's always there''.
Always coming back.
I'm trying so hard this time not to, I know I can, I know.
Eg veit, ''elskaði mín''.

Headaches and glassy eyes.
Restless nights.
Too many sleep meds.
Pulled out of my dreams.
Away from life.

Dead eyes.
Colourless and white.
See through.
Can you see?
Can you hear?

My voice on the street, in pain, in need.
Everybody feels pressure.
But not the same.
Stiff but moving.
Anyway.

I close my eyes.
The pain never leaves.
I feel the spirits hugging me.
I die, I need to always die.
Let it slide, nothing is important.

Life is just a dream.
Even when it hurts.
Even when you have glassy eyes.
Restless nights.
Colourless and white.

Remind me to let it flow.
Let go and die, nothing's important.
But sometimes when I can still...
I want to hold you.
Can we do that once more?

Headaches.
Heartbreaks.
Sitting in the aches.
Pulled out of my dreams.
Away from life.

Dead eyes.
Colourless and white.
See through.
Can you see?
Can you hear?

When I have the energy.
I build the good tension up slowly.
And you feel it.
Deep inside.
For a moment.

With you I found my limits.
And it hurts.
I can't blame you for showing them.
I wish I'd seen them before.
What I'm not able to give you.
While I feel the most intense love all the same.
My hands are shaking.
My head's hurting from walking around with the pain.
I could cry any moment of the day.
But instead I make new plans.
I keep walking.
What else can I do?
Setting you free.
Letting you live.
Letting you love.

Thought I could be save in his arms.
But that was only a dream.
I want to die.
He says he can’t give himself.

Now it’s taking too much energy, thinking about him.
All I had, all hope lost.
Always lost.
And so incredibly lonely.

Thought I could be save in peace.
Peace has never been here in this world, it’s always a challenge.
My body’s tired but I’m never ready to leave.
I want to feel him over it once more.

Always.
Once more.
Oh save me.
Save me from this curse called “hope”.

It hurts between my eyes.
He can’t receive me with all my pain and intensity.
Can I still try?
Die, try, cry, all the time.

Only small moments.
I long for those moments with him.
His body that's much warmer and so much older than mine.
His face, his head and my tight sensitive body holding it in its hands.

I only have myself, very free.
Free but cold.
Even Odin feels how cold I am when he lies on top of me.
We’re both not able to warm each other as long as I’m with the living.

It’s the hardest thing to do, leaving your body voluntarily.
But I need to.
Save me from this curse called “hope”.
I need to let go.

Always.
Over and over I realise.
I need to not be here.
Here where it’s lonely.

Save me from this curse called “hope”.