A place within my mind
Where I store a number of things
Memories that shape me
Feelings that carved their place
I put you in there
Right next to my mother's lullaby
Far from the bottles of different fights
I fold my feelings for you gently
As I tuck them away
Into the box
With everything else I can't bear
To ever let go of
Even if it hurts me

I almost forgot
What it was like
To feel this way again
Excited for the next day
For the days beyond even that

To be able to visualize
And see it like it's right within my grasp
Not a fleeting ghost of an idea
Tangible
Almost real

The sparks through my veins
The ache of longing in my chest
A reason to wake up bright and warm
To laugh and smile
To make an attempt

There's something inside of me
That is deeply broken
And I don't know what it is
Or how to fix it
I'm not sure when it broke
Or if it ever worked
But I hate it

My words and actions
Come out all wrong
I act thoughtlessly
Hurting those around me
Without ever meaning to
How they do not hate me
As I hate myself
Is a mystery
That I will never be able to grasp

I want to be good
Desperately want to be good
I want to treat the people I love
Tenderly, gently
Yet I never can seem to
When they tell me I've hurt them
I feel shocked
Trying to retrace what I did or said
To find the source
Of what about me is inherently wrong

Perhaps it would be better
If I was never around at all
I could never hurt anyone that way
But oh
If I vanished
It would hurt them nonetheless
How cruel of me

"It will fade"
She assures me
Gently, lovingly
For she went through
The same feelings as I
"Probably,"
I answer
Quietly, reluctantly

I do not want it to fade
These feelings
This warmth
It is precious to me
Even if this seed does not grow
Even if the tree bears no fruit
The process of planting
Of watering
Of tending
Is precious to me
He is precious to me
I want to keep these feelings
I want to keep my tree

I tripped for a moment
And suddenly
The garden in my chest is blooming
Though I am a terrible gardener
Purposefully ignoring it
Hoping the flowers and vines
Would die off in tough twisting shapes
That the brambles and branches
Might protect me

But suddenly
Every love song is about you
The lines I found no meaning in before
Seem to paint a play
That I would love nothing more
Than to star in with you

Suddenly
I feel electric
Like every strand that makes me up
Is squirming to escape my body
Just seeing your name
Fighting myself not to flirt

I've never understood these things
So why did it happen so suddenly?
Why with you?
Why now?
I surely must not understand
I surely must be confused

Suddenly
My mind, once again
Knows no peace

I'll break it myself
Before you have no other choice
Because the feelings won't stop
Flooding my mind
Soothing my thoughts
Like a cool calm creek
That I adore sitting with
And playing in

Yet a voice cries out from within
My voice
Reminding me
That these feelings
This warmth I created
Is pointless
That there is no world
Where another person
Could both know me
And still want me

So I'll break it myself
With my own two hands
I'll raise my heart high above me
And smash it on the rocks below
I'll sit
And watch the waves of my feelings
Take the shards away
And deposit my heart
Once more whole
At my feet
So I may stand up
And break it myself all over again
To spare myself the ache
Of you doing it for me

It's all too much
The fluttering
The swooping
The giggling
The smiling
The incessant urge
To burst out with questions
Far too forward for a friend

I cannot just jump up and ask
"Oh please,
Won't you turn over your heart?
Your mind?
Tell me what keeps you up,
What makes you tick,
I want to know everything!"

That's too much
I am too much

I feel it inside of me
Unstoppable
No matter how I try
How many outlets I use
It builds and builds

I think others hear it too
It must be constant
Because they treat me
As if I could go off any moment
Treading eggshells around me

Am I truly that cruel?
I don't want to be
I don't think I am
But if they act like that
I surely must be

Nothing more than a waiting
Ticking
Never stopping
Time bomb
One word or motion
Could set me ablaze
But perhaps that's just how they look at me

I don't think I get that angry
Not that often
But they must have a reason
To treat me like I do
Like I am cruel
And angry
And vicious
Like a starved dog

I need answers like I need air
Answers no one else can give me
No one but I should know the answers
Yet I don't
I scream into the void of my own soul
And nothing screams back

Why do I feel this way so quickly?
Is it just excitement?
Or the door to something more?

Please
Someone
Anyone
Just give me the answers
I so desperately need

It's a common issue
This inability to sleep
So many others face the same torment
A thousand thoughts race through my mind
Asking a hundred questions
With no time to breathe or even answer them

Laying awake
Staring at patterns on my ceiling
Dissecting the meaning of a phrase
Replaying a moment I could have done better

Wondering endlessly
If there is a deeper meaning
Or if I'm perhaps just overthinking
Looking for a meaning I want
When there is nothing there

Thinking with no sign of stopping
About how I lie
To myself
To everyone
Perhaps to protect myself
But what good does it do?
Thinking if it is a lie
Spiraling to places I don't want to be

I just want sleep's embrace
To free me from my own mind
From my own cruel words
Cutting into my heart like daggers
Telling myself horrid things
That other people inflicted upon me

Won't someone free me?

An uncertain joke of a concept
Perpetually out of grasp
Too easy to shell things off onto
Do it tomorrow
Yet tomorrow never comes
Always standing just out of reach

Thus it must be done today
While the sun shines
While you have the means
The energy

Tomorrow does not exist
It's merely an echo of Today
A reflection
Illusionary and nothing more
A scarce source of comfort

Tomorrow will become Today
Before it ever remains Tomorrow
Leaving the ghostly idea in it's place once more

And what if Tomorrow does not come for you?
If it does not become Today?
Will you feel the choking grasp of regret?

How could I stop?
When a thousand words
Rattle around my mind
A million feelings broil in my chest
Things I don't understand
But so desperately want to

I have too much to write
Too much to say
Too much to understand
To ever stop

But when will it ever be enough?
When will I find the words
That solve the gap within me?
That tell me what I am?
That tell me what is broken about me?

I don't think that will happen
An end is an impossibility
Not when there's so much inside of me
Not when the void in my chest
Feels endless

They reverberate around my skull
Insults and cruel comments
From people I loved
People I deeply trusted
Words that carve deep into my bones
Phrases I can never unhear

They echo through me
And they won't shut up
Comments on my teeth
Keep me from smiling without laughing first
Whispers about my personality
Make me wish I could learn to shut my own mouth

I've been told it all
That I'm loud, annoying
That I'm doing too much
That I don't care enough
A freak
Too kind
Selfish

Why should those petty words
Still affect me?
Why do they?
Why can't I move on?
I know they were said
By people that didn't know me
Not well enough to matter
They were said in bitterness
To spite me
Hurt me
But it worked
Leaving scars on my skin and mind

But how do I move on?
How do I let go?
I feel I've tried so hard
To move past it
Ignore it
Act confident
Happy
But it turns and twists
Like a knife stuck deep into my ribs
And I cannot grasp the handle to pull it out

I've forgiven them
The people who hurt me
But it doesn't help
Doesn't mend me
Nothing does

No matter how many kind words
I am told
I still find that I want
Nothing more than to disappear
To vanish and lose the echoes forever

I had all but forgotten
What it felt like to laugh this hard
To feel the ache in my ribs
The swoop in my chest
Seeing my screen light up with your name
I had forgotten
How warm another person's hand was
How I ached for the touch of another
For the comfort of not being alone

I had convinced myself I hated it
But perhaps what I hated
Was the one who touched me
Not the act itself
How can I untangle myself
From a web of lies I wove
For my own protection?

How could I have forgotten?
The rush of electricity
When you say something so kind
When you understand my mind
In a way few ever have

What else have I forgotten?
What else have I convinced myself I hate?
Just to protect myself
From feeling so lonely?

It's a virtue,
I've been told
To wait
Ever patiently
Like a doll on a shelf
No matter how long
Or how hopeless
You must wait

Yet wait for what?
For whom?
When you are dying
Surrounded by flames and debris
How can you be told to be patient?
When no one seems to be coming
How is that not cruel?

How could anyone be patient
Praying for relief
For rescue
When it feels so much of the world
Has turned a blind eye

So we all must cry out
As one loud voice
And pray to be heard by someone
By anyone

There is a disconnect
Between my mind and my mouth
My thoughts get lost
And come out in fractured sentiments
Never painting a clear picture
Of how I feel or think
I can portray only the most basic of thoughts

That I love those dear to me
That I enjoy an array of things
But never why
An explanation is something
That I am incapable of

I cannot explain why something
Like a song or media
Makes me feel so deeply
I cannot defend the things I care about
Because I cannot find the words verbally

I am doomed to only articulate my thoughts
Through writings few will ever see
How hopeless I feel
And how desperately I wish
That I could communicate like others

I often wonder
Where you are
What you are doing
If you are happy
Content
Loved
If you found the peace you craved

You, who brought forth
my love of words
You, who vanished into the night
with none of your own

Tell me, if you can
Are you happy?
Content?
Are you loved?
Do you miss the days of quiet laughter?
Of softly sharing our
innermost thoughts?
Do you wonder after me?
As I wonder after you?

I like to call myself honest
But just how many white lies,
have I told?
How many times
Have the words
"I'm fine"
"I'm tired"
"Just thinking"
Passed my lips?
It was genuine once
I was just scared
I didn't want them to worry
So I lied
But then the poison of a lie
Became addictive
And I couldn't stop
Even as it killed me
I kept lying to them
To myself

I know this is the hand
That fate dealt me
And I should stand up
Choose to not take it
I've just become so cynical
I cant fix it just by breathing
And deciding that I'm better
Honesty is overrated
I prefer the poison of a lie
Its safer that way

I'd rather be angry
Angry with you
For making me feel so loved
Yet treating me like your therapist

I want to hate you
I wish I could so badly
That would be easier
But you can't be angry with a void
Someone who soaks up all the effort you put in
Just to not give back
Taking all you have to give

Angry is so much easier to handle
I understand angry
Just like how I now see
What you were doing to me
You had your metaphorical hands
Wrapped so tightly around me
That I couldn't breathe

I was not there for you to treat like this
But even when I told you it was over
You acted so ******* gentle
Sprinkling in your guilt ridden words
But I can see them now

It's amazing
How much more prominent
Red is, without rose colored lenses
So yes
Being angry would be easier
But I never did things easy
So leaving you almost broke me

But I'd rather feel like I'm dying
Than drown in you

It was a loosing fight
You can't win against the forces of nature
They don't reason with you
Or listen when you say please
My fragile body was dashed against
Sharp, ragged, rocks
Rocks that cut me open
And washed my heart away

It was only a matter of time
Before I drowned
How far was I supposed to swim
With years of pain tying me down?

Hey.
Are you there?

I just wanted to talk,
I've started feeling it again.
The feeling like I'm plastic,
Like I'm about to be melted down,
And remade into something new again.

I'd like to do that,
I'm that plastic bottle
The one you refil over and over again
Even though it's all crinkled.
And then you finally
Throw it in the recycle bin.

I'm just waiting in anticipation
To be remade
Into something New Again.

Remind me how to smile
Then break my heart
Maybe I'll feel alive after that

I'd like to take myself apart
With children's safety scissors
Cut my body into strips for a collage
And paste it back together
With a cheap glue stick
In whatever shapes I want
I want to push the scraps into the trash

Or maybe I'll take parts of me off
with a seam ripper
and add new ones
Like a patchwork toy
Maybe then I would see myself
As fixed
Because I'm sick of hating what I see
But I dont want to be
What other people call perfect
I just don't want to be me anymore

I'm not stupid
I know what being alive is
But
It's infuriating
I can walk and talk
I breathe and I eat
I think and I make choices
But I've stopped feeling
Nothing has brought it back to me
I dont feel trapped in my own mind
I feel like part of me was stolen
I have an empty void in my chest
I would argue that I'm dead
I am Dead but walking

I keep getting asked why
Why have I stopped feeling?
What brought this on?
And I want to answer
But how do I answer that?
How do I explain
That my soul and my mind
Are so much older than my body?

People say I'm a glass half empty type
But I'm really not
Because I have no glass anymore
So there's nothing to be empty
Does that make sense?
I imagine not
I just take what feeling I have left
And I pour it out here
So I can try to bring the rest of me back

You say you love her
But do things I know she would hate you for

You are everything I hate in men
You disgust me

If you didn't have her
Would you want me?
Or one of the hundreds of others
That have also probably fallen for you

If you didn't have her
And I put effort into myself
Could I earn your adoration?

If you didn't have her
How could things go?

Am I awful?
Because I still think you're using me
Just because I'm nearby and she isn't
Is it okay for me to keep feeling like this?
You told me not to pursue but I never intended to
You have her
And she has everything I don't

I know I'm annoying
A pain in the neck
An easily flustered girl
But you called me cute
You said you loved my laugh

It hurts me so badly
Knowing that you can't see
How badly it cuts me
When you say things like that

When you trace circles over my skin
I want to cut it off
Not because I hate you
But because I can't stop falling

I hate myself for falling for you
Because you have her
And I'm just me

So please spare me my feelings
And tell me,
Am I awful?

Please don't hate me
Please dont turn away from me
Please dont leave me alone to rot

That's all I can do in my mind
All I can manage to do
Is beg to not be abandoned

I've spent too long
Wondering why,
Why when I do so much
For everyone else
Do they never
Do as much to help me?

Am I being narcissistic with that?
I want to say no
And I also want to say yes

Am I supposed to apologize for that?
How nauseating
Blaming myself
For things I don't understand

I wont blame myself for what you did

Are you serious?
Expecting me to just lower my head
And say
"Yes, it's my fault,
I'm sorry"

I wont anymore
I finally care about who I am

So no,
I wont apologize

It's so strange to admit
That I miss touches
That I miss laying against someone
And watching our favorite movie
And knowing it so well
That most of the time
We just quote the lines

I miss feeling someone lips on mine
Distraction kisses
So I get a few more points in a game

I miss being loved
In a Rose tinted light

What am I doing wrong?

I'd like to stay here a while,
Is that alright?

Just let me lay here while you talk
And talk
And talk
And I'll listen,
Is that alright?

Can I cheer you on,
When no one else does?
Is that alright?

I'd like to hear you ramble excitedly
About things I dont understand,
Is that alright?

Is it alright for me to care so much,
So devote myself to helping you?

Is it alright for me to put everyone above me?

Is this alright?

Am I alright?

Is it right for me to think like this?
To make my choices
Based on how fun someone looks?

Because ****
I feel selfish and shallow
But why should I?
I just want to have fun
What's so wrong about that?

I dont enjoy being bored
So will you be fun?

Why is it such a shock
That a girl like me
Wants fun

The people I spend time around
Aren't the type
To have my kind of fun
And that's fine
Because eventually
I'll find my fun

I’m tired
I’m so **** tired
All the **** time

I don’t know what to say
Or what to do
Because I feel
No matter what I try
What words I say
I just can’t do right by anyone

I’m tired
So tired that I
Would sooner curl in on myself
Than get out of bed

I’m tired
To the point
Where moving causes aches
That I can’t stop unless
I stop moving

It feels so dark
And it’s been so long
That I’m not sure
I will go to the otherside

I feel so tired
My eyelids are heavy
And my soul is weary
From the barrage of everything

I’m tired of feeling useless
Tired of being invisible
Tired of feeling
As if I could just vanish
And no one would even blink

I’m just
So ****
Tired

Have I done something wrong?
Was it some joke I made?
Some stupid, stupid comment?

Did I misstep?
Was it a misunderstanding
Of our boundaries?
Of my purpose as your friend?

Was I a plaything?
Or was I a real friend?

I don’t know what has happened
One moment
I was fine
Okay
I felt right in the group
But sometimes
I feel ignored
Despised
Like people just want
Me to go away

It’s worst at lunch
It feels like I show up
And then they leave
Like my arrival was their cue

I feel excluded
From everything
From the jokes
To the pains of my “friends”

I feel excluded
Because they don’t talk to me
My friends keep their pain
Why don’t they talk to me?
Didn’t they used to?

I feel excluded
Because they’ll make jokes
And laugh
But they ignore me
Muscle me out of the circles

Did I do something wrong?
Have I outlived my use?
Have I just imposed
This whole time?

I feel excluded
But maybe
Just maybe
I was never included at all

I feel an agony
In my heart and mind
A deep hole
That aches when I breathe

How did it get there?
When?
These questions
Don’t want to be answered
So the answers avoid them

But I want to know
Who caused this hole?
Why haven’t I noticed until now?

I think
I had something to fill the hole
At least for the most part
But it’s gone now
I cannot warm myself
Under the hot lights
I cannot stay hours to memorize
Silly lines

So I will wait
I’ll wait
For something new to come
And fill the
Deep aching hole
In my chest

I don’t care
I have moved forward
Moved onwards
The shackles you placed
Shrugged off like an ugly jacket
Because if I was nothing to you
You’re nothing to me

I feel amazing
As if I could take the world
And place it in my heart
To protect all those who deserve it

I cannot hate you
I don’t have it in me
What I can do
Is never forgive you
And apologize for whatever I did
But what I don’t care about
Is what you have to say
You don’t know me
Only those who know me
Would know you are a liar
Who never cared for me
And decides to spread lies
To make himself look better

I’m just glad
That I can truly say
That I’m
Finally okay

I just can't win
Not with you
Not with them
Not with anyone

If I pour my effort into helping others
I'm looking for validation

If I spend time alone with myself
I'm moody or isolating

If I hurt myself
I'm attention seeking

If I speak my mind
I'm just a whiny child

If I pour out my soul to anyone
I'm

What am I when I pour out my soul?
I don't know
I haven't tried

But still
No matter what I do
No matter how hard I try
I still
Can't win

I feel a noose around my neck
Tightening with every burden I gather
It's suffocating

My emotions thrash me against rocks
I can't help my panic
I'm so **** afraid
I won't survive the storm

If I'm spending so much time
Trying to save everyone else,
Who is there to save me?
While I spend my nights
Suffocating

If you ask around
You’ll hear “yes” on a repeat
“She’ll stay up on a call until midnight if you’re upset”
“She cares for everyone so much”

But you'll find your way to the ones
Who disagree with the others
I know what they call me
Selfish
Manipulative
And various other things

Could I have done something differently?
Said one little thing
Just to change what you think of me
Or maybe I shouldn't have
Said anything at all

Don't get me wrong
I am happy to have you out of my life
But still
I can't seem to stand
The idea of someone hating me
I know I can't please everyone

So I guess the answer
Is that I don't know
I'd like to think I am
But so many others would argue against it
So,
Am I a Good Person?

I’m sorry
But I’m clumsy in love
I never know what I’m doing
Because people give up
Long before I can learn

If I did something wrong,
Why did you let me continue?
Why didn’t you say anything?
Why?
That’s the only question
I can manage to mutter

I’m afraid
If I say anything other than why
That tears will come falling out
Following my gasps for air
Because his words
Hit my ribcage
Like a metal bat
And I don’t understand
Because I thought I was fine
I said I was fine
Why can’t I just be fine?

So yeah,
I’m sorry
I’m sorry I don’t know
What the hell I’m doing
I’m sorry I can’t learn
Overnight
How not to hurt people
I’m just sorry
Because I’ll never be enough
If I can’t learn

Because no one can teach me
My parents were useless examples
No lover stays long enough
And seeing it on shows feels completely wrong
So yeah
I’m sorry