I feel an Ache
It’s deep in my bones
Down to the very core of my being
And it makes me sick
Every time I’m nice
And am repaid in insults
Or mean jokes

I know I give out plenty of those
Cruel jokes
And mean insults
But sometimes
It feels as if they
Never compliment me
Never smile

My heart aches
When I try so hard
To change my ways
To change how they see me
And then
It doesn’t work
And my heart splits

So why?
Why do I continue to try?
Why do I bend backwards,
Sideways,
Into painful twisting shapes,
Just to please people?

My heart
It constantly aches
And I’d give anything
To make it stop

I like the way you see me
Just a kid to joke with
Someone to relax around
Make stupid jokes
Jokingly insult each other

I like the way you see me
Even though it feels like
You look right through me
As if I’m a ghost

I like the way you see me
As the silly girl
Just a jokster
Who spends her time
Making stupid jokes
To hide her pain

I don’t like the way you see me
Because you’ve seen my heart
When it is aching
And I despise when you see me

So please
If you see me alone
And I look like I’m breaking
Please walk away
I don’t want you to have to see
That piece of me

Oh what beauty
Such stark and true moments
The little moments I look upon
When others think no one can see
The way your head bobs to the music
The way your lips move
To the words of the songs

The thing I adore the most
Is that fire in your eyes
When someone says you can’t
And that lights the spark
Then you go out and prove it
But afterwards
You still have that fire
The fire of a thousand stars
Because by god you want to be above it all
And you are
By god you are
With that ever
Beautiful Fire

I feel like I’m floating
Merely drifting around my friends
Never truly fitting in
I hate it
I want to feel as if
I belong somewhere
But I just don’t

By god you don’t help
You look right through me
Like I’m nothing important
But it doesn’t matter
I just wish
That someone would see me
That someone would help me
Feel as if I’m not just drifting
I’m just floating around

It hits like a brick wall while running from cops
It’s hard to see a way around it
So turn back
Retrace your steps
Try it again from a different angle
There’s never just one way to approach a problem

Try writing about the area
About the thoughts someone has
Or take a step back from it all
And work on something else for a moment
Not everything has to be done here and now
Enjoy the little moments to yourself
Drinking tea on the porch while the sun rises
Laughing and dancing clumsily with your brother

Short moments don’t last long
And when all is said and all is done
You will find yourself back
At your writings
With a clear head

Beauty is everywhere
In everything
I see it
In the smallest cracks in stone
In that smile you have
Right after some stupid joke

I can see the stardust
That makes up everything
I see it when I’m awake too long
Or when I’m looking
Into your eyes

Beauty is in everything
And I adore seeing it
Because as of late
It feels as if beauty is dying
Because people are smiling less
The sky has grown dark
The lights stop the Stars
From shining through

But I feel a flutter in my chest
When I see the stardust
And the beauty
In almost everything

It’s always so strange
So foreign to me
These feelings
I can’t say I understand
It’d be a lie to say I do

I don’t think it’s something
That can be taught
I think I have to be shown
But then again
I’m not sure I want to see
I like where I am
I enjoy the mystery
The unknown

Or could it just be I’m afraid?
When I get comfortable
And relaxed
It all seems to go wrong

At the end of the day
I don’t enjoy being confused
Or filled with so many
Strange feelings

There are moments that we wish could last forever
My little brother and I
When certain songs come on
We swing dance
It’s clumsy
And poorly done
But it makes him laugh

When I call my mom
Or when she calls me
The calls never last long enough
Because I have so much I want to say
I say silly things
Just to hear her laugh
Because she’s so far from me
And I miss her so much

My older brother
He used to play games with me
When we were little
Legos
Bionicles
Every toy we had
We’d play all the time
We used to be thick as thieves
Shared all our secrets
We were best friends

Someday I won’t be able to do that anymore
My little brother will be too old
To swing dance to silly songs
While I spin him and dip him
Because he’s too little to try that with me
My mom won’t be around forever
And it shatters my heart
Because one day I’ll want to call her
Just to hear her laugh
Or to make fun of how short she is
Because I want her to cheer me up
And I’ll need her advice
But she won’t answer
And I’m terrified of that day

But the moments with my older brother
They have come and gone
For they were the fleeting moments
Of a childhood short lived
I grew up and so did he
We didn’t talk as much
And it hurt
I used to sit in my room and cry
Wishing we had the bug farm
Or the legos
Just wishing
Praying to a god I never thought was listening
For that closeness with my brother

Moments are fleeting
Enjoy them while you have them
Because once they are gone
You cannot have them back

There’s this story
If you fold one thousand
Paper cranes
You can make a wish
And I wonder
If I fold a thousand paper cranes
What would I wish for?

World peace?
Unlimited money?
Happiness?
Everlasting and eternal?
No,
I’d wish to read minds
Or to fly
Or to know everything there is to know

See I can say that all I like
Others might believe it
But I know it’s not true
I’d wish for my friends to be happy
To want for nothing
To never feel the sting
Of being alone
Or excluded

But I don’t think
I could ever fold a thousand
Paper Cranes

I have a glass heart
I used to protect it in a steel box
Far removed from the hammer of cruel words
And sorrowful news

But eventually I threw away my box
And now I wear my glass heart
On my chest
Where everyone can see it
I carry glue with me to fix it
Wherever I go
Because people are cruel
And sadness weighs heavy in the air
But I don’t mind anymore

I want to help people
And when others see the cracked
And fixed glass heart
I wear like a proud medal
They feel just a little better about their own
Some say I have a giant heart of gold
But gold melts easily
And bends and crushes under pressure
But my heart is a solid glass
It cracks under pressure but I fix it
Then it’s a little stronger

But with a glass heart it breaks
God it breaks so easily
Rejection shatters it
Fear breaks it in two
But heartache is the worst of it
My heart breaks in a thousand pieces
But I never give in
I kneel
And I take my time to pick up the pieces
And put myself back together
Time after time again
And still I don’t mind
Having a glass heart

It's really something else
Under those lights
Laughing over silly things
That only you and I will share

Maybe we'll see each other
A few years from now
We might call each other those silly nicknames
And talk about the memories

We'll talk about those hours
Tormenting ourselves
To memorize those lines
To move just right
To have the perfect reactions

We might talk about the others
Their jokes
The little mishaps they had
Wonder where they are
Maybe he'll be on Broadway
Maybe she'll be a doctor
Maybe they'll all get their dreams

You and I will share a laugh
We'll walk away
And I'll hold my heart
As I remember the short moments
Just between you and I in the dark
I doubt you will recall
But I can't seem to forget them

But god it's something else
That high
From the adrenaline
I don't think I'll ever be as okay
As I am
When I say my lines
From under
Those Lights

I take pride
In seeing the world
In vibrant
Wonderful colors

But that is not always it
Actually,
I see the worlds in shades of grey
Dull
Boring
Bleak
I hate it

I used to try and force the colors
To see the world through happy glasses
I had gotten so used
to wearing

I smile and laugh
When my friends are around
But once I'm alone
the world is cold and grey
and I suddenly
Can't find the energy to smile

I count down the seconds
Until I can see
My friends again
Because then
The color returns
And I can play happy
For mere moments

I hate myself
For a thousand reasons
My hair is boring
My teeth aren’t perfect
My body doesn’t look like hers
I struggle to think
Of reasons why I, of all people,
Deserve to keep breathing

So I give gifts
I make people laugh
I act weird
I do plenty of odd things
I tell people every good thing
I ever see about them
I make my friends smile
And in those short moments
I like myself
Just a little more than I did before

Then I hear it
God it happens every time
“God she’s so weird”
“Why does she always act like that?”
“She’s annoying”
It breaks my heart
Because I try so **** hard
But I mask my pain
With stupid jokes
Or by being angry
But it still doesn’t change
That your words cut me

But then
Then I’m right back to where I was
I still hate myself
For a thousand reasons
And I just added you to my list

I acted a lot older than I was for years
And I chose it
For my brothers
My mom
My dad
Myself
It’d be a lie to say that it had no role
In shaping who I became

But at sweet age of eight
I grew into my self-inflicted role
Of course eventually
My childhood caught up to me
And for a few years I refused to play “Responsibilities”
I was carefree and did whatever I wanted
But years of playing grown-up
They took their toll
By high school
People told me
I was an Ice Queen

I was distant and cold
I refused to share my burdens with others
And I carried the weight on both my shoulders
Some called me
Brave
Strong
Other called me
Cold
Ice Queen

For years I said I didn’t care
That they didn’t bother me
I was a **** good liar
Their words cut me open like sharp knives

A mind is an expansive
Infinite place
Where you can build a thousand worlds
With a billion voices
Chattering away
Living their make-believe lives

And it’s so beautiful
It is a beautiful escape
From the dull drone
That day to day life brings

Warm sunny beaches to warm your skin
Even though terrors lurk beneath the waters
Then cold mountains with dwarves and trolls
Or to market places in a city that doesn’t exist
With exotic foods that aren’t real
Doesn’t that sound better
Than the sad news
Surrounding everyone?
Bring your worlds to life
Share them with everyone
Give others a little relief from the dull drone
Give others some
Of that beautiful escape

Have you ever been so angry
That it burns a hole?
A deep scorched hole in the very center of your soul
And when that fiery anger passes
Because it always does
The hole turns cold
It floods your center
Then pushes throughout your veins

When the cold hits me I curl inwards
I want to stop breathing
Guilt of the things I’ve said or done
Bend my head into a sorrowful bow
As if I’m wearing a concrete crown

Anger is a cold poison
It won’t **** anyone
But it attacks our minds
The bridges we so carefully built
To our families
Our friends
Those we love
It chews through wood and steel
And sets it all on fire with the burning of a thousand stars

And when it’s over
You and I are left
Surrounded by heaps of smoldering ashes
And a cold hole through our chests
Because anger
Anger is a vile
And cold
Poison