I'm only 17
I feel more like 70
Ready to make my bed
For the final time
Just like every other time
I want to see so much
With no means to see it all
I want to get to the good parts of life
Right now seems so folded up
So much to worry about
Too much to get done
I always put my heart first no matter what
My heart says soccer and track
Work come second
That needs to change
I need to make money to pay for the things
That get me to where I need to be
Time makes this so hard
Summer is almost over again
I don't know how
But it is
In a week
I will be straining my body
Hoping my lungs won't fail me
There is no knowing how much they can take
Before I'm in danger of an asthma attack
I wish I were past this
I'm ready to be put to rest
I want to say I've gone through life
And made it to death
But everyone can say that in the end
I feel all sorts of crazy
All I want to do is push on
But I feel like I'm blinded
I feel alone
Because I'm alone with my thoughts
That can not translate into words so I feel
Absolutely lost.

Dear journal
If traveling has taught me anything
It's that no matter where you go
People won't accept you
People don't tend to change
State to state
I guess I figured that out to late
But it's ok
We are having a great time
But my mind won't stop from blurry windows
To closed eye lids
My mind won't stop moving
But it's ok I like it that way
It keeps bad things off my mind
And I need that from time to time
We climbed a hill today
It was pretty big
It was pretty fun
I learned a lot about limits
And how people bestow you with them
Miles of mounains and hills
The gold mine and more
It was everything meant to be amazing
Acccept me standing in the middle of it all

I don't want to be the girl
Who screams
In order to be heard
I don't want to be the girl
People avoid
For fear of her enrangement
I don't want to be the girl
Who shies away from others presence
I don't want to be the friend
Who is never there for me
I don't want to be the girl
Looked down on
Or the girl others praise
Every which ways
I don't want to be known for my participation
But my desire to be free
I wish to be the girl
Strictly determined
Friendly with a smile
So carefree
But that's just the girl
I wish to be

I just can't get the feel of a place
Full of hundreds of feelings
I don't get the drift of hundreds
Of different currents
I'm not able to comprehend the
Flavor of all the different taste
What a place
All the places
People come to gather
Unintentionally
Crossing paths without the Acknowledgment
Air ports are truly a manmade wonder

What I thought before was wrong
I am not who I thought I was
I am not the description written on my toy box
Nor am I made up of the ingredients on my label
I am not just some appetizer set on the dinner table
I am able
To discover the truth
That has been diluted by all the lies
By all the bad guys wearing superman suits
And batman capes
People with big money
And big plans
But also
With enormous ego, greed, and whats it called
Private agendas
I may be an environmentalist
But the earth needs it
Our type of green
Has spilt the red that circulated men
It has erased species from our books
But not our history
We always have to have an enemy
But while we are picking our fights with all the wrong people
And nations
We have yet to realize
The only war we really need to be involved in
Is with ourselves
And we do not have to right to fix other nations
Until we have fixed our broken mixing ***

Brother
I will call the cops
I care not to let you continue your game
They should have named you manipulation
At that you are a king
You yourself are collateral damage
I wish you would go back to prison
You are a monster with a game board
Everyone is a piece and everyone has their roles
Everyone must comply and ignore your piggish
Tendencies
But no longer, not me
I will not continue to simply offer my shoulder to the girl
You come home to
But won't call girlfriend because you'er not ready for commitment
While you only seek the freedom of ******* every girl who throws themselves
At you
You ugly beast who puts on an act like none other
Should have joined the theater
But you have never really had a pretty face
Brother
A disgrace I wish I could displace
And send away back behind bars
So you could keep your **** to yourself and stop hurting the girl
I now call friend
You are apart of no trend
And your lies
They will not end
So leave
If you are your own man
At age 28
Act like it
Pay your own bills
Get your own job
And *******

I just planned on quitting
I readied myself to give up
I thought about killing myself
I was ready 
With each step climbing down the tree
I begged to slip
Or a branch to break
Stepping on all the thin and dead ones
But non broke
So I climbed it again and jumped 
I thought I was dead
I wanted to be dead
I didn’t feel anything
Not even cold
I think I was asleep because it was getting
Dark when I awoke
I left in the a.m.
I wasn’t dead
It wasn’t my time to die
Other wise I would be
I couldn’t get up for awhile
My back sore with little sticks stuck in me
My head started to pound
I couldn’t keep my eyes open
Sound started to come back
But all I could hear was the soft water
The world maintaining its grace
During my act of ungracefulness
My hands looked bleached
I couldn’t feel
I got to my feet
Started my walk home
Recollected what I had done
What happened
And laughed
Its not my time to die
So Im no longer quitting
I don’t wish to give up
And Ive got to make up a hella good story
When I walk through the door
I know it would ****
If I were honest
So I will speak only of my
Clumsiness
That always works

Can You Talk Me Out Of It
I hope that at night you sit by my bed side and whisper a beautiful tomorrow in my ear
Because you know I don't want to see it's morning ever again
Without you waking with it
I hope that when I'm walking by myself
Your speaking to me that
My hearts not breaking
That I'm not really alone
I hope your holding my hand
And when I trip
And fall
I hope your laughing
With open arms like a granddaughter and her grandfather
I hope a hug heals my scrapes
And your words mend my heart
Broken by longing and lacking
I hope that when I'm singing
A song that makes me cry
That your singing with me
Carelessly and free
I hope that when I'm hiding in my room
Feeling as if my family has broke That you will be siting with me
With your arm around my shoulder
Telling me this won't last forever
And I hope that when I think of joining you up in heaven you can talk me out of it
-Pitch Hiker

Chief Crazy Horse fought for his people.

He fought for the land that had been stolen from him,

The wildlife killed simply so that they could not have it,

And for accessory.

He explained how they didn't want or need their civilization,

That their great spirit intended them to live by the hunt.

They wished to live as their fathers before them lived,

To make the most out of life

To live and love.

To hunt and gather.

To create and build.

Crazy Horse now stands above the blood-stained land.

His words fall on ears that are glued to the sound of money,

He in unrewarded for his honor and left without a home.

He can only hope the white man will change their ways,

That they might hear his people cry, and they cry too.

This is it
I understand now
Its conformity
I'm conforming
Emptiness is filling me
Because I'm forming to the con
I'm doing the con of forming
For what reason am I throwing
Away all that's unique about me
Is it that I no longer realize
The importance of the things
That make me unique
Is it because its easier than trying
To fight the conformist
Than to hold on to my beliefs
And my values
Ctrl z
Undo what's been done to me
Undo this doing that's been
Welcomed in by me
I wish to no longer behold the curse
Of conformity
For this I will look to
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I'll look to Henry Davis Thereou
And their transindentalist beliefs
This is how I will make myself
Free

We aren't taught to see
The pain behind someone smile
Or taught to realize that their smile is fake
We are not taught to read between the lines
And read someone's tear dampened eyes
I was not taught to drive someone's dampened eyes
I was taught hate
And to be the cause of ones dampened
eyes
But I dream not of the days that I make
Someone's eyes damp
I rather dream of making them dance

The reason I’m so determined
Is because I want to reach that
Point in life where I love myself for being
Strong and beautiful and
Persistent and relentless and
Passionate and determined
I want to be the happiest version of me and you don’t get there by never doing
I look in the mirror meanly
I angrily tell myself I’m  fat
So I would start doing push-ups
Burpees and planks and crunches
Even when I was too tired
To keep my eyes open
Waking up on the floor
To my abs and legs and arms feeling so sore and hungry
I remember runs at 1:00 in the morning
Because I was board
I remember how slow each mile passed
But how fast time went by
By 2:30 I ran/walked 15 miles
But it wasn’t me moving my legs
I just ran
Lost whatever food was in my stomach
My body shook and itched
I couldn’t calm my asthma down
And then all at once
Air rushed into my lungs
And I just laid in the grass
I wasn’t shaking any more
I didn’t itch
And all was quite
I was determined

You were wondering if I wrote a poem
In which I did
But I'll choose to hide
Until you least expect it
I've written a few
But I will keep them kept from you
Until I know they apply
When you read them you will know why
You being 1000 miles away
Means I can speak my mind
And not suffer consequence
Still I fear of judgement
You yourself a writer
You yourself a poet
Who has his struggles
Who meets dead ends
Knows of the journey made by words
So let that be the journey
And see where it goes

When do you realize
You are all alone
When you have to keep your distance
From your friends
When you have to smile even though
You want to throw a fit and yell
And scream
When you put distance between
Everyone else and yourself
To protect everything you are
Everything I am
I now realize
That I am alone

Like a dam my pride holds back my tears
Until the pressure builds
And I am forced to cry
My pride is not strong enough
To hold back my feelings

Do I really rest in his heart
he speaks the words that I do
But does he just want something out of me
Can I not please him without being physical
Or is that to little
Is he like every other guy
Or is he different
I cry to the stars that he wants me for my heart
But I have learned that not much comes from hope
He doesn’t believe in it either
Or at least thats what he told me
I see love in his eyes
And I feel the pain in mine
Falling down my face
He knows Im scared
And wants to do what ever he can
To rid me of that fear.
But nothing works
His methods make my fears worse
His hands make me feel secure
Until he becomes inpatient
And I cry and he leaves
He wanted to "fix" me
But I think Im to far broken

I will bite my tongue
Rather than explaining
Your flaws
Because you would continue
To look through me
And ignore my attempts to better the team
I will take a bullet to the heart
Before ever mentioning your ignorance
Or revealing your arrogance
You have shown me my goal was pointless
You have taught me that to meet your standards
I was never going to be good enough
Well I have had the opportunity to be coached
By real coaches
And taught to play real soccer
Im sorry to say you have taught me Childs play
And forgery of the most cultural sport in the world
You disgrace the term soccer coach
Im quite disappointed in you all
But despite my pure dislike of you
I will sign your thank you cards
With a thank you for the lesson and
Experience

I would love to show the world
All my thoughts
Hopes and dreams
I would love to show people the world
But everything becomes invisible
And my voice silent
As I get criticized
And written over as a failed attempt
Not even being remembered by history
But the people I want to reach out to most
Are the ones with the most cement in their heads
And have the wrong kind of ears
I thought maybe in a couple years
But I have waited to long
To even care

Its not her fault
That she can't speak
When she's so nervous
Her knees just shake
Its not her fault she likes the rain
Its not her fault she likes to run away
Its not her fault that she holds her head high
Or that her head begs her to fly
Its not her fault she doesn't like to party
And not her fault that she likes to talk
Its not her fault she want to help
Or that the right words don't leave her mouth
Its not her fault she sees no future
Or that she doesn't make enough time for friends
Its not her fault she sees everyone
As universes
Or that she struggles trying to map them
Its not her fault
That she believes
Everything is her fault

The rain it's falling like all my hopeless
Attempts  to be happy
Each drop is a dissembled dream
By the time it splashes n the ground
I've been trying to take in as many as I can
Thinking that catching them
On my tongue
Will save the ones I can catch
Though my attempts are true
Third journeys are still felt leaving me
Each drop rolling down my face
Crashing on to my skin
Like cold glass
So many so fast their gone
None last
They remind me that it's good to feel
That negligence comes from ignorance
And that there's no way to be happy
If I let my sense of feel go

I do not have pockets full of sunshine
To counter the rain and thunder you throw at me
I do not have a place to hide when you summon
The tears from a dark place I tried to keep hidden
Emotionless was the shell you spoke to me with
When I spoke of my sadness you responded
With okay
Leaving me with the puddles of pain
And the headache of heartbreak
As I remind myself I allowed myself
To let you make a fool of the love I have for you

I don't feel any sadness in this goodbye
There is no weight to my worries
Tomorrow I leave for college
Yet I feel the same as I ever did
I could leave in silence
Not a word needing to be spoken
Though I will leave with I love you's
And thank you's
Because it's the right thing to do
Mom, Dad, I'm leaving you
I do not plan on returning often
It's time for me to become a new
And learn my place

Today my eyes faded grey
They kept looking for a glimpse
Of dream
I had to remind them that
Dreams they have left
They will not return for a while
My eyes only got lighter
Till I had to close them
For I could see nothing
They blinded themselves
If they could not see
Some semblance of future
For me
They wanted no part in my present
So they went grey
My blue eyes
Fogged
Like the blue sky on a cloudy day
How do you know
That the sky is still blue

There's pieces of me
Lost just about everywhere
I go
And in everyone
I meet
They might not know it
But I'm there
My room is full of broken glass
From all the times I brought home
Broken hearts that were poured into
My hands like lava
Burning through
But they were only decoys
People only wanted attention
They kept their feelings aside
And now this is where I reside
Because  amongst all these
Broken heart pieces
Lay mine
My decoy hearts all used up
All emotion forced into my single
Real heart
Which imploded
Since the things I felt weren't
Visible enough to make an explosion
They were growing
But just like the stars
They couldn't handle the mass
And  collapsed
And that was that
The end of my hand held heart

Happy is a feeling I get only every once in a while
Sad likes to visit often
Excitement is something I feel on the inside and only on the inside
Stress is my trainer and it rides along on my back
Regret is an unremovable knife in my back that sings of all the things I wish I could take back

My head is so loud lately
I've been so distracted by nothingness
That I can't think about loveliness
Is it so shameful that I ask for a kiss
I don't care for the things you say I symbolize
Because everyone grows up
Like trees up is the only direction
Unless you die
Then you fall and become apart of the earth
I wanna spend my time looking at colleges
But I'm scared to keep growing
Because no matter how big I get
The world will always be too big for me
Maybe I will make a mistake
Pick something I don't really love
But find out too late
I wanna join the military
But I don't want to sacrifice something
I have never known
I want to explore the world
But how can I when I can't
Pay off soccer bills
I want to be the advocate for myself
I want to be paid for my worth
At least minimum wage
I want to be pushed past my physical
Limit everyday
That way everyday I know
That the day after I be stronger than I
Ever was
I wish I could sort this out
I wish I could hear my thoughts

Minecraft is her favorite game
One world is her life
She doesn’t play often
So when she does
It’s very important
Her world has everything
That she values in real life
Things she never had in real life
Things she hasn’t gotten to do
This world is all in the sky
With only one connection to the ground
That’s her one connection to reality
It means the world to her
That nothing happens to it
This world is never done
Adding she keeps on adding
As her life is added to every day
People mean the world to her
So they have their own monuments
And names written on signs
She is desperate to be apart of this world
She dreams of being apart of a goosebumps episode where she is ******
Into her virtual reality
She doesn’t mind the loneliness there
It’s less painful than in reality
She wants to get lost
And is afraid of being found

Hey brain
Can you tell my heart
That I'm so proud of it
Can you tell it thank you
That I'm amazed by everything it can do
I'm alive because of what it can do
Thank it for beating always
Thank it for pumping blood through my body constantly
Thank you for the love you fill yourself with
When I feel cold and hate scratching at my skin
Hey can you tell it to take it easy
That it doesn't need to race every time
My nerves go up
Let it know that it doesn't need to love
So much
That it's ok to love a lot but not too much
Save some for itself
Let it know I'm thankful it hasn't given up
On me yet
Thank you for the ability to recognize
My heart

I won't feel like this tomorrow
I'll be happier
I won't feel this empty sting when I wake up in the morning
I will just feel tired
But in another week or so
Maybe in just a few days
It will be back
And I will have to hide away
Like dreams you can't remember
There is no record of my pain
except in my journals
But they to will never be found

Driving by the same rolling hills
Everyday I wonder what’s on
The other side
Are there just more hills
Or is there something hiding
That’s how I feel about tomorrow’s
Their like rolling hills
You don’t see the end of
Until you get there

I think it's because I love him
That I hate him so much
He makes me hate myself
Like I've never hated before
I continue to believe he's going to get better
But he won't
I don't know what's going on in his head
I wonder if he does love me
I hate to think that I do him
He knows how to get to me
So he uses it
That kills me
He the puppet master
I his puppet
Strings cut and retied
Arms ripped off then sewed back on wrong
My eyes popped from my head
My heart torn from my chest hanging hopelessly
He does love something
His power in our family
His power over me

One, do not fear to make mistakes. Mistakes are lessons, and in every lesson, there is something worth learning.

Two, live for yourself. Do not simply live to be the pleaser of all people but live to be the person you know to be the best version of you, no fake smile or white lie will suffice.

Three, Remain open. Open to new ideas, to new religions, to no religions, to all people and to all people of all backgrounds, the worst thing you can do is to sabotage yourself of wonder and strong connections simply because you believe in one thing and one thing only, because people who are different are bad, and because new ideas are wrong.

Four, know that you won’t always be pretty, remember that beauty comes internally and as a human good days come and they go, just as we can count on the sun to return in the morning after it has set for the night. Accidents happen and when they do, we only need to get up, brush off the dirt, and move forward. Our scars will heal, and we will become stronger from our ordeals.

If my fate is to be disrupted
And myself damaged
Than be my greatness
Destined to be a different kind of
Greatness
If my fate is to be changed
And myself challenged
Than be my success
Another
If my fate is to be a memory
And me to be forgotten
Than be my impact
Unforgettable as a scar

If we were all planets,

You would be the sun,

And I would be Mercury.

Cycling around you 360 degrees,

Eager to exemplify my

Dedication to your gravity.

I would say one thousand good mornings,

And one thousand good nights,

In the time it takes the earth to make,

One full rotation around your flame.

But,

We are not all planets.

And you are not the sun.

I am not Mercury.

And I cannot tell you

One thousand good mornings,

And one thousand good nights,

In the time it takes earth to make

One full trip around the sun

With a gravity, we are too small to even notice

But,

If we were all planets

You would be the sun.

I hope I met your needs.
I hope my smile was the right medicine,
Given to you at the right time.
I hope that I was the first thing,
That came to your mind when you thought about home.
I hope that it relieved you to wake up
And see my eyes absorbing you,
Or the smell of my hair from my shower.
I hope you could feel the love I have for you
In every touch.
I hope you could hear my voice
When you needed to be reminded of who you are
I hope that I'm the one you call
If you ever have any reason to
I hope that I was the help you needed,
Whenever you need it.
Because that is all I have ever wanted to be.
I hope you think about me
When you need a reason to smile.
I hope I was the hug to heal all the pain you felt.
I hope one day we will make it work.
I hope that one day we won't be falling apart.

I don't know how to understand my thoughts
So maybe if I write them in a funny way
They may start to make sense
Maybe they will paint a crooked picture
At least its a picture
I just need something to comprehend
I must make a list
I don't have the time to keep track of all my thoughts
Nor the memory span to remember to think
Of a thought I thought I would think of later
And the moments past
I don't know what I was going to think of next
I need a thought calendar
Because this will waste me away to nothingness
And I will become nothing
In a matter of seconds
See I'm already nothing
When you look at me
You are seeing an empty shell
Hollow like words you say
I lack meaning
I lack purpose
I think of all the things
I could be
And I'm best at being nobody
I'm best at not existing
I wish that were an option
I'm not happy
I don't know how to be
It's making me crazy
I thought I was starting to fit into peoples puzzles
But they were just bending me
Till I was no longer meant to create a bigger picture

They don't mean to throw me in the middle
But they do
They don't mean to lie
But they do
They don't mean to be dysfunctional
But they are
They don't mean to say such nasty things
But they do
My parents love me
They do
They want me to be happy
They do
However,
I need them both to at least work together
If they won't be together
I need them to talk to each other
But they won't
I need them to work out their problems
But they refuse
Like two kids in high school
They use me to communicate too each other
Often criticizing one another
Acting as if I couldn't possibly understand
But I do
I act dumb so I can imagine a world where I am happy
I am lucky
I have a family
If only they knew they were family
And kindness became our currency
For now, all that remains is the vacancy
Of a family who loves too much
And loves too little

Its about time
The years come to its end
Its about time I realize
My failures
Its about time I recognize
My successes
Its about time I remember
All the events this year has brought
Its about time I acknowledge
The people who shape me
And make me
Its about time
I write something....
Something meaningful
With truth and a lot of poise
Something that expresses the universe
Inside my head
All the buzzing all the
Click, click clicking's
With the long long
Beeeeeeep
Something that touches your heart
Crushes your heart holds and bears its pieces
Something that mends and heals your heart
Making it stronger than ever
A poem that make's you question your thought
One that reaches your frequency of thinking
One that never stops your wondering
Something subtle in an abrupt way
One that builds your dreams
Feeds your nightmares and ends in the perfect battle
Keeping you on your toes to see if you
Built your dreams strong enough to fight
What scares you most
This is my toast of a new year
That maybe by next year
I will write the poem
That expresses the universe of me
One that will tell you of my every
Galaxy
I just at I am made up of the people I have met
And have been influenced by
I am made up of thousands of stars and planets

I want you to love me
The way that you loved me
When we first met
I want you to be as interested in me
The way you were when you were chasing me
I want you to see me the way you did when you
Would call me beautiful
I want you to walk me to class the way you used to
And the way that you'd walk all the way over
Just to walk me back
I want us to be together in the way we used
To be together

The feel of each indented letter
And coffee bean
Vertically down the mug
Is a feel I will always remember
The darkness I would open the upstairs door to
Unless I took the downstairs door
Which was illuminated by the laundry light
Is a dark and a light I will always remember
The way I flipped on the far light switch
Instead of the one nearest to me
Instinctively
Is a way I will always remember
The sun setting walk down my street
To my house
Is a walk I will always remember
I always wanted to run
But my feet kept a walking pace
The pain from falling from a tree
I always climb
Is an pain unforgiving but in all understanding
These things have to happen

Jeez I'm a sad story
Not really
But maybe
One of many
Maybe similar to others
But you haven't seen
A story like mine
(End of journal entry)

Yesterday I told my eight-year-old niece
To be a flower
If someone knocks you down
Grow back stronger
If someone calls you ugly
Call them beautiful
As you shine in your own
Beauty and self-worth
You will continue to bloom
And you may help them grow
I told her to smile at those who taunt her
They will be defeated by your bright eyes
Just always remember to be nice
Because nice is what everyone is looking for
When they aren't pretending anymore

He broke my ukulele string
I said oh what a silly thing
He is a silly thing
I don't love him
But I love him
We are practically the same spirit
Only we chose different covers
He left to Chicago for the summer
He's like my own brother
In my head I say how dare he
But in my eyes I said he needs it
Im not use to good company
So he means everything to me
Not like in a lovey dovey way
In a sister needs her brother kinda way
Sitting alone was more than just sitting
Alone when he was right up stairs
He understood me
And I understood him
Will he be the same?
I really hope so