I hope you're listening tonight and in case this is the first time you're hearing me I talk to you almost every night I've been trying to picture heaven I'm trying to picture it's skies and it's rivers I bet the scene is fulfilling  it leaves me restless not knowing I did well this year in soccer not so much in school but I know you see why I feel your presence when I'm on the field or in the circle or in the court when I'm sitting in my room as my world resets itself from all I have had to take and I feel your arms around me and a hug when I Feel defeated I feel you with me when I try to run out the sadness of you not being here I feel your full breath in the wind and I feel you catch me when I let go it's not easy for me to go on like the world is still round and moving in full orbit  it feels pretty flat and still from where I'm standing in a series of twists and turns it becomes a whirlwind a breathless whirlwind all my paper letters burn because I have never known what to say  and on the day you left I was 7:50 instead of getting to tell you what you were or who you were I hope your cold still hand and I told the shell of you that you are truly my best friend it's not often when you look at someone on the complete opposite end of the spectrum from you that instantly connect in those days I will never forget because you taught me beautiful simplicity Anyway no other Ever would or could I always expected you to be around I expected to see you at my graduation it was a long lasting exaggeration and a dead hope now buried so deep in the ground I can't believe it ever lived I hadn't known down that first hand until I met life and you are the one who shaped me not by lecturing me or by trying to give me all of your lessons before you left but with your  watery blue eyes  and your enlightened smile as if there were thousands of reasons you were doing so you've taught me to try to do the same but what you had was effortless it's with years of practice and work and trust and faith but now to show people happiness it's effortless  and that will last me forever I'm just glad I got to spend a little bit of my time with you even if it were the end of yours

Remember
When I was so sad
I couldn't be alone
It was late
And you had to leave
My part of our home
You live up stairs
2 floors
But you said you would
Stay
On the fifth floor in the stair way
We sat
You casted your fishing line
Down my throat trying to catch the
Hungry monsters eating at my heart
One by one they bit
Some took longer than others
Some stayed and camouflaged
So you wouldn't know they were
Still there
A pile of flippery mess
Slips down your throat
Your hook ******
You got sad secrets out of me
Just to indanger your own heart
My monsters are scared of you
Every time I think your name they
Are willing to stop eating at my heart
Ending up on the third floor
Laying on the floor my head on your chest
You told me it was okay
I felt it I felt the words you were saying
The instant you said them
And our monsters fled us
Your the peace I've needed
In a chaotic way

The worst part
Is that
I break
My own heart
When I fear
Someone else will

Dear Cancer,
I would like to start
By telling you,
That you are evil.
I hope your full of self hate,
Because you are ugly.
You are ruthless and mean.
The perfect killing machine.
You took my best friend
And tried to take my mother
Your eating away another
And I am mad.
I am tired of crying every night
Or getting mad at others because I am constantly
Reminded of what you have done
You have taken many people
And species
I don't want you to take any more.
Im guessing you've never had a friend
Because you have only ever forced your way into having a relationship.
No one ever asked for your presence
Not even your existence
So I am telling you now
Stop living as a monster under the skin
And show your self clearly.
Stop infecting hearts!
And lungs! And breast! And tongues!
Bones!  And brains!
Stop playing these games!
Because tho I have never had you myself
I feel your pry I ask myself why
Do you **** and leave others to die
Why do we deserve you?
We may be beast but you are a monster
And continue to do them
But you honestly teach us nothing.

Sitting in my room
It's kinda hard not to notice the words
On the walls
Surrounding your every glance
Singing around your head
Though they are there
I cant bring myself to read many of them
I started the journalism of the things
Inside of me that stabbed through my
Skin tearing apart my body
Just to get out
I know how I felt
In those times when I never thought
That they would fully leave me
That I'd be stuck with these
Sharp ridged edges inside me
For as long as eternity
I just can't look back at them
Like opening the door to the darkness
That  awaits just outside
Except that my violent shadows
Aren't on the outside trying to get in
They exist on the inside
Nesting and occasionally festering
I dare not wake them
So I turn off my light
So I risk not accidentally reading
Covering my window so sunlight
Won't betray me
I sit in dark silence
Singing my sharp edges to rest
I cannot welcome them
To breakfast in bed
I will not let myself feel that way
Ever again

Scrolling has never been
Something I do
Blanking out is also new
I've always been aware
Always making good use of my time
Now I've lost myself
Losing my sense of wonder
Has left my hands holding on
To nothing but sand
Every grain pouring through my fingures
My goals are just figures
In the distance that's accelerates
Away from me and my main stream
Dream
My determination
Passion will and I were once
A dream team
Covered the most ground in the least
Amount of time
We left our opponents in the dust
But at the end of every game
No matter what went down
Shook hands with them
Our pride left on the field
Our palms connect as a thank you
For the challenge
That was a great thing to be
But my members left me
One by one till it was just me
And passion

You didn’t know this.

But I wanted to quit

Every single day

That your attempts

At making me uncomfortable,

They worked.

That your gearing

Comments,

And angry yelling

Scared me.

That every time

I was bodied to the ground,

I wanted to give up.

That every time

I failed to keep up

It was just another reason.

You didn’t know this,

Because I never wanted

You to know

You were winning.

Somehow.

I didn’t let you.

And now,

We can stand

Side by side,

And call each other.

Friend.

I've got big ideas
I've got elaborate plans
I've got determination
For an entire team
I've got things to work on
I've got skills to improve
I've got passion that ignited years ago
Has never gone out and burns brighter
Everyday
I've got game smarts
I've got strategy
I've got fire
Maximum desire
And you take your hose
And contain all that I have
You deprive the team
Of the development they could have
You deprive me of leadership
You deprive yourself of a chance
To become soccer smart
Your not real soccer coaches
There's a difference between
Soccer coaches and school soccer coaches
Soccer coaches know the sport
They live and breath the sport
It's just your second job
All you care about is the win
Your selfish and unkind
I hope you learn what it's like to
Be a real coach one day
But your chances are slim
And it's very unlikely