My mind goes unguided
It follows my heart blindly
Accepting the consequences later
My body, when I allow it
Will follow my heart as well
When it does
I come face to face with a potential
That hides below my surface
Mostly going untouched
As it watches me go about passionately
But lacking
As if I were a puzzle whose pieces
Became an afternoon snack to a begging
Dog
Or lost to the unknown just beneath the furniture
And when found, thrown away
Because who knows where it goes?
My heart doesn’t speak to me
It just acts
It aches over nearly everything
From this I only find anger
The messages sent to my brain
Are in a foreign language
I haven’t been taught to decipher
I listen to waterfalls
And watch trees dance
And hills roll
I developed this feeling
From somewhere deep
In my rabbit hole
I sense all of my emotions
But I cannot locate where they are
Nor what decisions they are making

I think it's because I love him
That I hate him so much
He makes me hate myself
Like I've never hated before
I continue to believe he's going to get better
But he won't
I don't know what's going on in his head
I wonder if he does love me
I hate to think that I do him
He knows how to get to me
So he uses it
That kills me
He the puppet master
I his puppet
Strings cut and retied
Arms ripped off then sewed back on wrong
My eyes popped from my head
My heart torn from my chest hanging hopelessly
He does love something
His power in our family
His power over me

Today...
Today
I dream with a thoughtful smile
Was so great
These people did so much for me
These people were so amazing
I should have really thanked them
Walking into my apartment
My smile turns to a regretful mesh
Teeth bearing down
Today was the last day I will see
Those people
I won't see my teammates for
Another week
I didn't thank them right
They accepted me
I turned away when I had
Something to say
Hundreds of words stabbed my brain
All at once
Embarrassed reads my face
Thanks you says my eyes
Starting the shower I just sit and let
The cold water drown my regret
Let it blend my tears
Hugging my knees I find no
Comfort in knowing all my regrets

I have noticed the sky's a little bluer
The clouds don't conceal it the way they used to
The sun shines brighter and the cardinals sing louder
I know its you I never understood the point in letting people know
How special they were to me
And everyone around until I met a man
Who showed me more meaning behind a frown
At first meeting I met his tears
And he met mine you could see his spirit in his
Beautifully blue story telling eyes
They reminded me of soft waters
He and I feel we felt alone
People we loved left maybe not on purpose
They just left but its ok
And from then on we were friends
He held my hand in moments of pain
I wish I held on tighter I wish he held on longer
For I now have learned that we don't live for ever
But he does he is not seen
But does not go unheard you can feel him
If you wait he is strong
I know he held on as long as he could
He fought his battle till the end
I would like to think he won
I don't know who he was I know who he is though
I wish I could have shared more of the future
But he is on a journey
To be with his wife
In a place where they pain isn't felt
Where they stand hand and hand with us
And all their friends and family
I could tell you how terrible it is
That he is now gone
But thats not the case I try to remember
That I have been touched
By the heart of Woody
Thanks to him I have discovered my strength and courage

I invite you
To hate me
Hate my hair
Hate my face
Hate my body
And my place
Hate my personality
Hate my passion
Hate my reality
Hate my choices
And my voices
Hate my way of thinking
And the way I talk
Hate my solitary
And my ability
Hate my education
Hate my imagination
Light my world on fire
Theres not much to burn
I fire proofed it all
I knew you were coming
So talk behind my back
Spread the hate like frosting on your sour cake
Im not the one eating it
I try to be kind and I try to lend a smile to anyone
Who could use it
But you took mine and snapped it over your knee
Or I could say you tried
Instead your left with an amputated leg
Done in your own sense of ration
You tried to break me
And your efforts
Costed you a limb
So have a nice day
I hope things start to go your way

They don't mean to throw me in the middle
But they do
They don't mean to lie
But they do
They don't mean to be dysfunctional
But they are
They don't mean to say such nasty things
But they do
My parents love me
They do
They want me to be happy
They do
However,
I need them both to at least work together
If they won't be together
I need them to talk to each other
But they won't
I need them to work out their problems
But they refuse
Like two kids in high school
They use me to communicate too each other
Often criticizing one another
Acting as if I couldn't possibly understand
But I do
I act dumb so I can imagine a world where I am happy
I am lucky
I have a family
If only they knew they were family
And kindness became our currency
For now, all that remains is the vacancy
Of a family who loves too much
And loves too little

I have been emptied
Not by solitude
But by longitude
And latitude
Geography has never really been my thing
I got horrible grades in eighth grade
Because I simply didn't care
But my friends thought different
They stopped looking through me and started looking
To me
So I begged my teachers to give no sign of my bad grades I stayed after and worked
But I pleaded for them to not show a soul
Not because I was embarrassed
But because I didn't want to ruin what my friends thought they had
I could relate
But I had to pretend I was someone I wasn't
And that's what school has made me
I need to walk into soccer
With confidence
Run like the past is chasing me
Play like no ones watching
And live like I never have before

Mentally I don't know where to start
Something feels wrong
But I don't know what
Then it shouldn't bother me
If I don't know
Something just feels so wrong
My chest is tight
My heart strains for some reason
It's breaking
I'm thinking happy thoughts but my
Stomach it keeps on turning
Thinking happy thoughts
But my head is pounding
Think happy thoughts
I've never felt so sad
Think happy thoughts
Think happy thoughts
All I can think about is that statement
No really happy thoughts cross my mind
Think happy thoughts
At least I'm distracted
Think happy thoughts!
******
Think happy
Think happy
Just be happy!

I constantly overthink in fear
That I am always missing something
Missing something important
Or silly
I am so scared to be missing a key piece
Of information
And be made a fool of
By myself
For not thinking hard enough on it

That is why
I cannot simply stop overthinking
Everything there is to
Overthink

I hope I met your needs.
I hope my smile was the right medicine,
Given to you at the right time.
I hope that I was the first thing,
That came to your mind when you thought about home.
I hope that it relieved you to wake up
And see my eyes absorbing you,
Or the smell of my hair from my shower.
I hope you could feel the love I have for you
In every touch.
I hope you could hear my voice
When you needed to be reminded of who you are
I hope that I'm the one you call
If you ever have any reason to
I hope that I was the help you needed,
Whenever you need it.
Because that is all I have ever wanted to be.
I hope you think about me
When you need a reason to smile.
I hope I was the hug to heal all the pain you felt.
I hope one day we will make it work.
I hope that one day we won't be falling apart.

I guess our love is a different kind of love.
Not a bad kind of love.
Just a different love.
We love each other but we don't always understand
One another.
I searched for reasons to be mad
Because I couldn't tell you the underlying problem.
Two different people with different expectations.
Not to say it's not ok to be two different people.
We were just too different.
I saw myself with you in the future.
You were fitted in a striking police uniform
And a warm smile overcoming your face.
We were getting ready for bed preparing for the next time
We wake together.
We chuckle softly,
As if a silly spoken word penetrated our force fields
And we were defenseless to one another.
Pulling one another close and
Holding on to every ending of every minute
In fear that it will be the last.
And we will be alone again.