Like a dam my pride holds back my tears
Until the pressure builds
And I am forced to cry
My pride is not strong enough
To hold back my feelings

They don't mean to throw me in the middle
But they do
They don't mean to lie
But they do
They don't mean to be dysfunctional
But they are
They don't mean to say such nasty things
But they do
My parents love me
They do
They want me to be happy
They do
However,
I need them both to at least work together
If they won't be together
I need them to talk to each other
But they won't
I need them to work out their problems
But they refuse
Like two kids in high school
They use me to communicate too each other
Often criticizing one another
Acting as if I couldn't possibly understand
But I do
I act dumb so I can imagine a world where I am happy
I am lucky
I have a family
If only they knew they were family
And kindness became our currency
For now, all that remains is the vacancy
Of a family who loves too much
And loves too little

My mind goes unguided
It follows my heart blindly
Accepting the consequences later
My body, when I allow it
Will follow my heart as well
When it does
I come face to face with a potential
That hides below my surface
Mostly going untouched
As it watches me go about passionately
But lacking
As if I were a puzzle whose pieces
Became an afternoon snack to a begging
Dog
Or lost to the unknown just beneath the furniture
And when found, thrown away
Because who knows where it goes?
My heart doesn’t speak to me
It just acts
It aches over nearly everything
From this I only find anger
The messages sent to my brain
Are in a foreign language
I haven’t been taught to decipher
I listen to waterfalls
And watch trees dance
And hills roll
I developed this feeling
From somewhere deep
In my rabbit hole
I sense all of my emotions
But I cannot locate where they are
Nor what decisions they are making

I was an artist when I was four
I created masterpieces with ease and intent
From applying a slime greenish yellow paint
To my fathers jacket by hand
To painting my face with macaroni
With the use of a spoon
I was an artist who loved messes
Our house was always part loving
Part disaster zone
Hurricane Walker constantly turns over everything
Books end up in your underwear drawer
Marbles cover the floor and hide in dark corners
Important papers make it to the trash
While papers with a lack of importance
Wreak havoc  upon table tops and counters.
My bed room was lost to the clothes I can't
Stand to fold and put away neatly
I myself lost in the mess of writing on my walls

I don't know how to understand my thoughts
So maybe if I write them in a funny way
They may start to make sense
Maybe they will paint a crooked picture
At least its a picture
I just need something to comprehend
I must make a list
I don't have the time to keep track of all my thoughts
Nor the memory span to remember to think
Of a thought I thought I would think of later
And the moments past
I don't know what I was going to think of next
I need a thought calendar
Because this will waste me away to nothingness
And I will become nothing
In a matter of seconds
See I'm already nothing
When you look at me
You are seeing an empty shell
Hollow like words you say
I lack meaning
I lack purpose
I think of all the things
I could be
And I'm best at being nobody
I'm best at not existing
I wish that were an option
I'm not happy
I don't know how to be
It's making me crazy
I thought I was starting to fit into peoples puzzles
But they were just bending me
Till I was no longer meant to create a bigger picture

This demon I have put to rest
Has left me feeling new
I feel like my burden has lifted
But I'm left feeling blue
This demon has been my best friend
For years and years
A friend that has pushed me and broke me
And fixed me and healed me
Brought me down from insanity
Taught me how to manage my determination
I have learned to control my sanity
And use my passion
It has helped me to grow
And helped me to teach
This friend has connected me with new friends
Its given me the opportunity to be coached
By the best coaches
I have broken our friendship
It's time to see how my heart does on its own
It's time to make a new best friend and learn
What else there is to be learned
The only person I'm changing is myself
And myself needs the change
I am no longer in love with my demon
That's been hard to admit
As time goes on we may rekindle
Our childhood feelings
But for now, I feel as the fire is choked out
And the smoke is too much for me
I will come back eventually

I'm only 17
I feel more like 70
Ready to make my bed
For the final time
Just like every other time
I want to see so much
With no means to see it all
I want to get to the good parts of life
Right now seems so folded up
So much to worry about
Too much to get done
I always put my heart first no matter what
My heart says soccer and track
Work come second
That needs to change
I need to make money to pay for the things
That get me to where I need to be
Time makes this so hard
Summer is almost over again
I don't know how
But it is
In a week
I will be straining my body
Hoping my lungs won't fail me
There is no knowing how much they can take
Before I'm in danger of an asthma attack
I wish I were past this
I'm ready to be put to rest
I want to say I've gone through life
And made it to death
But everyone can say that in the end
I feel all sorts of crazy
All I want to do is push on
But I feel like I'm blinded
I feel alone
Because I'm alone with my thoughts
That can not translate into words so I feel
Absolutely lost.