I want the sadness and pain to go away.
I push it down during the day,
But at night it comes out to play.
Like it knows my weakness. And targets my many imperfections.
I want the sadness and pain to go away.

I’m no longer dying on the inside. I’m dead. But no body would know that because I am smiling and making jokes when I’m not alone.

If I was in a crowd.
And you saw me.
You would think I was happy.

I find myself always looking toward the future. Oh, I can’t wait until summer. Summer comes. Can’t wait for school to see everyone. Repeating every year. I can’t wait to be a teenager. Life will be great. Now 16. Can’t wait to be an adult. And have a family. But I know that will change.

What am I waiting for really

That caught your attention.

But the moments leading up to it didn’t.

I miss the days that I didn’t know I would.
The good days.
Where everything was perfect
but I had no idea,
That the constant flood of sadness was in my near forecast.
That the unwanted landlord of pain was knocking at my door.
That the desperate hunger for belonging was grumbling in my stomach.

I was told that I’m not deep.
That I am just a light and bubbly person.
That I’m the type of person with no problems.
And my life is perfect.  
That everything I want I will get.

I want it to end.