Nostalgia is a ***** liar that insists things were better than they seemed.

That caught your attention.

But the moments leading up to it didn’t.

Everyone I meet tells me they love my eyes

They tell me they’re gorgeous and how jealous they are. How they sparkle
They’re jealous of the eyes that see the world in a way of hopelessness?
The eyes that only see an occasional high in the sea of lows.
They’re jealous of the eyes that cry enough to keep a iris...
While there’s couldn’t keep a cactus alive.
They wouldn’t envy these eyes if they knew how many tears they’ve cried. Because they don’t sparkle always,
As soon as you walk away,
The sparkle turns into tears.
They tell me their jealous of my eyes but they don’t know what’s behind them.

When I lay down at night,
I wonder.
Can the stars see me lie here,
Can god see me cry here?
Why don’t they help me,
No one else sees what I see.

I want to be a light
But I feel so dark

Others are like sunshine
Shining bright

While I am no more than the object that casts the shadow blocking the smiles against the gorgeous golden tan skin, and the happiness throughout those outdoors on a gorgeous day.

Well. Tans cause skin cancer. So I guess I’m doing you a favor.

The pain that hurts the most is when your smiling to keep the tears from flowing uncontrollably.

If you asked me everything I would change about myself,
We would be here all night.

I’m in a prison,
Held back by a chain.
The chaos and sadness,
Always on my brain.
I’m all alone,
With people all around me.
In this prison in side my head,
I just can’t seem to break free.

Sadness is like a drug

It takes you away from reality and alters how you see what is really going on.

A message to those with doors unopened.
No matter how many times,
The monsters knock,
Do not let them in.
They will control you.
Never leaving.
Don’t crack the door open to get a peek.
Because they will push their way in.
Take over.

I peeked.

The tears run down my face
Onto the wrinkled linen
Because for you it was just the chase.

I want the sadness and pain to go away.
I push it down during the day,
But at night it comes out to play.
Like it knows my weakness. And targets my many imperfections.
I want the sadness and pain to go away.

I miss the days that I didn’t know I would.
The good days.
Where everything was perfect
but I had no idea,
That the constant flood of sadness was in my near forecast.
That the unwanted landlord of pain was knocking at my door.
That the desperate hunger for belonging was grumbling in my stomach.

I’m no longer dying on the inside. I’m dead. But no body would know that because I am smiling and making jokes when I’m not alone.

I do a lot to be pretty.

The feeling of hunger rushes through my body through all 6 periods in the day, but I need to be pretty.

The money spent on hair nails clothes and products never complete my search to be pretty.

The fingers in the back of my throat are to satisfy the need to be pretty.

But the crying often is because I’m trying to be pretty, not happy.

I’m always looking forward to the next thing. Thinking my life is going to get better.
I’ve gotten this far,
And it’s only gotten bad.
So what am I holding onto?
if I were going to leave,
Would anyone be sad?

No one knows the battles I’m facing,
That they can’t see.
They judge because they don’t know,
What’s really going on with me.
My face says happy,
But my eyes say pain.
I’m all alone,
And it’s driving me insane.

When someone asks me if I’m ok it takes every ounce of strength I have to smile and say I’m fine.

The children danced around,
Not knowing what was coming.
The monster that was lerking.
Oh children please come in.
Come inside the house that he can’t come in,
I promise you it’s safe.
He wants you to fear him,
For you to bring you to your grave.
Don’t look right behind you,
The monsters there, don’t turn.
You let him in your house,
so now he will watch your house burn.

Lying in bed.
Crying and wanting it all to end.
Hoping that sometime.
Someone.
Will hear the screams in your head.

If I was in a crowd.
And you saw me.
You would think I was happy.

Do you ever just want it all to end.
The constant thoughts
and emotions.
The pain.
The hard times feeling eternal.
The agony.

I was told that I’m not deep.
That I am just a light and bubbly person.
That I’m the type of person with no problems.
And my life is perfect.  
That everything I want I will get.

I want it to end.

I feel like everyone that I am close to,
Is a stranger.
Like I don’t really know anyone.

I don’t need someone
to make the storm go away,

Just to hold me while it passes.

I have changed.
Been different.
Sad
Depressed
For months.

But no one knows.

I just don’t understand how people are so
fufilled.
satisfied.
loving.
beautiful.

happy.

I find myself always looking toward the future. Oh, I can’t wait until summer. Summer comes. Can’t wait for school to see everyone. Repeating every year. I can’t wait to be a teenager. Life will be great. Now 16. Can’t wait to be an adult. And have a family. But I know that will change.

What am I waiting for really

Tears clean the windows of your soul.