Don't tell me who I
Am, don't tell me how I am;
Don't tell me at all.

Sun that smells like rain
rising from my chest, the warmth
that leaves water prints.

Her hair is
blooming flowers;
black asters with
some black swan's feathers.
When she smiles
you can see poetries
flowing from her eyes.
I can imagine
that when she cries,
it would be sea tides
and the shore
would sing mermaid songs.
A mermaid would come
silently
and cry
with her.
Each of her heartbeat
is one unique quake.
When she falls
in love
you can feel it
on your feet ---
the earth approves.
When her heart breaks
you can feel it --
your sternum cracks,
your ribs loose,
the lungs fly away
to where
the hope fades.

I am not a fiction
I am not a dusty gem which needs to be polished
I am not worth to be kept

So here I am
Publishing drafts of bleeding heart
Disgusts you enough?

I desperately want to exist
Without a name
Nor fame

Some of you will love me
Because my soul is ugly
Because you can be more pretty
When you are around me

How could you think she
did not try her very best?
How could you think that?

longhaired, honeyvoiced
husky alto is the voice of
an angel, deep and moist
***** buzz like a bee

I was lost
And not found

I wish I had screamed
Before you'd put your earphones on
But I, I
Couldn't scream the music
Your ears needed to hear

I was a parasite
In a womb of an 11 year old lady
Whose father called an exorcist
Instead of hugged her and said it would be okay

I remember what she said when she was my age:
Nothing, my child, nothing would be okay

It was a volcano
Who gave her a flower crown
Made of frangipanis and carnations
Stolen from a cemetery --her mother's
And every death will always mean strength
For the earth

My heart beats in staccato
But, you don't care anything about music, do you?
It was my favorite song
Played over and over and over
And over
Like what you'd said about the duration of love

It's over, my dear

And I wish I had screamed before you'd put your earphones on

White bed sheet
Strangely picked wallpapers
White eyes, white eyes
Die
Army and explosives
Molotov never did taste this sweet
Yellow lights, beware of God
Pray for us sinners? No ---
Let Mary Jane sing
the sonnet alone
Let Marionette
see your death
Believe her, believe her
No Jesus would be
Stop praying the Rosary, stop it
Don't you want to puke when you hear
Hail Mary? Führer! Führ---
You live like Cleopatra
whose tongue was a cobra
whose eyes were the black swans
on the lake where you first
drown
yourself. Are you Narcissus?
I am an echo
An echo not Echo
The smell of rain won't ever
Won't ever
Won't ever
Won't ever

Peeled toad's skin
Like an apple's
The Cs are not enough; Never ---
Crescent moon
Cat's sad eye, another blind
I miss you

they do not know you.
they only know your name,
your face, your skin,
your eyes, your fears,
your cries, your hair,
your smile, your voice,
your dreams, not you.
baby, they do not know you.
no one does; not even you.

when you're sick your mind is not right
all you want to do is to survive
but everyone's telling you you're mistaken
"no, not like that" yet never did they
then tell you like what,
like what in a way you can understand

I love what people
tell me, because I am too
dull to see what's shown.

This body demands
More than the soul can provide
All is descending

I will not bleed but internally
A song that seeps into me
Celebration of misery, I will not leave
Day by day, like wild grasses, like a downpour
Wind-woven, my rooted free spirit, my primal
Lover, I owe you a favor
A cleft in our head instead of our chest
I'll forgive, let you mend, just
Stay close to me and I'll stay
I'll stay close, I'll stay

I drew a tree
but had no heart
to draw  its root
Only          pointy  leaves
disconnected from
its branches & I       started
*          *crying

in a parallel universe
you love me
but i died

I am the way my
Mother breaks; I am the way
She talks to Father.

i will turn off my phone
and look at the door;
as long as the brown of
the wood stays as itself
as long as it is there
as long as i can find it
after every single time blinking
as long as it does not open
as long as the air does not change
as long as i do not know
if you are behind
if you are hesitating to knock
if you are waiting
for me to reach the door ****

for me, it has always been
an ocean, a sea, a body of
salty water. for me, it does
not matter if it's just a little
a little wave is shaking my entire being
imagine i
have to stand tall in a surfer's board, i
am drowning. i am drowning
can't save myself

so funny how i feel so small
with such a large body
how i feel powerless with
such a strong hip
how i feel empty with
out a gap between my thigh

s

for me, it has always been
the ocean, the sea, the body
of salty water. i want to wear
so little and show all skin. i
want to be seen. i want to
be all skeleton and float like a lifesaver.
but i
drown
i drown
i keep drown
ing. i drown. i am drown. drown

O, she makes me puke!
Her stomach round as a globe ---
it is mine also.

My belly screams
like a chili,
its tear tidy,

Shower seems so teenage-like
as if I have another acne on
my chin,

Eyes open, wide, blinking
is illegal yet everyone claims
to be suicidal,

My baby bear, Goldilocks
actually had black hair,
long, in a braid like Rapunzel,

Please climb the tower
and meet me, meet
my paint, my paint,

Typos are what make
us human, the chest
has found its old self,

Aching in joy of paint,
once upon a time there was a fan
of hurt lived in a canned rainforest.

ii.

Why should I change?
Last night's scent
is all I need to mend.

It is raining but
I am not remembering
you, not anymore --

When it hurts i stop for a bit. two bits. or three until it's pretty okay, at least until the peristaltis calms down a little so i can continue stuffing my mouth with garbage. they say mouth is hungrier than stomach, but i don't even know when my stomach is empty or full or numb or is it just because she's no longer here? has she left my body without me knowing? is it why my chest keeps hurting instead of this round belly?

When it hurts i think that's when it's okay to cry. but everytime i cry it stops because nothing in this world is free anymore, everything has a price and i keep feeling confused for what i have to choose. if i got to choose you know what i would, even though i don't, even though it's so last year, you know, last year i finally determined my choice but deep down i was still confused, and now i am too afraid to go even once more to the depth. if i got to choose, first i'd like to choose an answer to do i really have rights over my own body?

No. no, i don't. for my entire life i've been choosing no as the answer. and pleasant surprise for you, that's what's keeping me alive.

I almost thought that I was screaming but at least it should have been a safer place. I let my face seem like pig but my chest kept thinking that I was just having a sun diameter long run. It is true that my shirt smells like sweat but it was just delivered by my sweet but not tasty laundry aunt. I am sitting here, in front of me is the library. I try to respect my hunger by just admiring the stairs and thigh thick books from afar.

On the right side there are my schoolmates pretending to be a friend with this one gay guy, invisibly bullying but who cannot see it? I can feel insecurity bawling out of his nostrils and it fills the air with an intense reeking of headache and street lights sold cheap perfume. I think I should go back to my place and wash my hair until it smells like grass or something nice, like seawater or grandma's handkerchief.

I must pretend to be insane or else I am going to spend my life seeking for the top I do not want to step on.

There is no safe place at all. This is the safest I could find, but there are voices of people chatting and laughing and the smokes of their cigarettes and the sound of airplane and footsteps and life, and life, I even can hear the leaves beside me photosynthesizing. Send me home already.

On Wednesday my roommate does not have class and that means if I go back now I would find her sleeping on the desk with her eyeglasses on, or worse, I think I would find her studying her latin names of the animal bones and when I open the door she would greet me with her usual green smile and I would have to reply with at least half of her smile and now I already feel the balloon in my chest hugged too tightly by the ribs.

I should have taken another major instead. Maybe something like agriculture so I at least could be a use for the soil or to feed the worms. The people passing by seem to be looking through my skin. It's not my fault that they have to run to the toilet as fast as they can. At first I thought the sport festival was here. It was perfectly normal for them to be so much competitive.

The flushes sound exactly like this one neuron I got, or these split ends that have split ends that have split ends.

I am the only one inanimate here. My shoes speak German and I think they just want to go to an elegantly candlelit restaurant but all I can think of is a cave with blue and green mosses and cavemen with their torches. Only this square, blue thing with blinding pink font in my gray backpack tries to keep me safe. But I let it stay in the dark, and it was a right decision because I would not know what I would be if I had felt safe when a friend greeted me and asked what I was doing here.

The time is too
precious.
Just give it to any else-

this losing is not
on purpose.

your eyes keep reminding me of--what?!
and you blink and you do not sleep often
you wear bright yellow jacket because they say poet only wears black

and your head starts to burst
starts from your eyes, your eyes keep reminding me of--what?!
and you see, it's you and i--in a bright yellow jacket

I will not, i will not, i will not
Have these hands ever again
Feel the things against my skin
Touch you, touch myself
And the trees when you walk me home
Hungry cats we see and teachers' palms

I will not, i will not
Know a thing about hot and cold
When the cramps come, i have lost comfort
Sweaty palms and tide heart rate
Stomachache, ache and ache all the way
My chest dropped-
I dropped my chest like my phone

I will not
Tremble ever again

thank god i am full
and i stuff my mouth over
and over again

Is it the music
or your voice that hurts the sky?
[I beg you, don't cry.]

It is her left eye,
opens wider in cloudy
nights. [It will not rain.]

It is never you,
you aren't an idea
nor 2 a.m. thought.

My love, what gives me
peace; without war there is none-
My love, what gives me life; also what kills-
what knows; like the cat I
have nine times to die.
Deadline, there is something much
more important; suicide prevention lifeline.
My love, my right to live, my right to die;
I wish I were deeper than
children section at the pool-
Where I first tried to drown-
Water loves but you
are the most; Since you found me,
since I found you,
since then I recognized you
in blood vessels, living in
tummy that used to be afraid of soda.
My love, I make you weak, never stronger
than ever; I make you light,
never hold so much, never be another than
malnutritional.
My love, I will not let go of you,
just like you won't of me.
I only **** you, like you do,
like you had done, I did it,
bare-handed.

I've stopped being beautiful quite a long time ago. Mirrors and selfies do not tell the truth; I actually like what I see. Little did I know the ugliness reeks from the blind spots and I shamelessly think it's the world who's at fault.

Forgive me, daughter, for I have sinned.

All I want to hear is an apology. I lift my chin and walk past the mother, idle as a bystander. I am a child bird, my beak is tired from breaking the shell. I wish I didn't have these wings. The nest is uncomfortable, I just want to touch the ground.

I have two feet. One thigh.

Ocean is my ancient dream. But all I got to taste was cold aloe vera. Hint of sweetness, eternal like a dentist's craft. I can't feel pain, so it must be joy, but why am I crying?

We got tired of the cries, the tears, the traces. It's boring, just like an authoritarian news. I don't think there's more to it. What you see is what you get.

I hide everything I can. I mask what I can't. That way, I'm never left with nothing. I hope so. I am so hopeful. I must be cured.

I fill my water bottle with starlight, but when it touches my mouth it takes away the wetness. My lips crack and I can no longer talk. I nod at the earth, and she empathizes.

A thing I can never do. My fingers still long for the colorful helium balloons. How many of it to make me float? I want to explode right on my peak. Cry for me, strangers. I want to hurt you in ways I've never imagined before.

It doesn't matter.
The chest is for the unknowns;
Mine is torn open.

Father's the way the
Villagers did curse God, yet
Powerless we are

Rain
Rain
It will rain
And your first love won't stop wearing violet

Your blue-greenish voice
Flaming red
marshmallow tongue
Long fingers
Short nails

Earlobes
Letters, letters, letters,
burning

Rain
Rain
It will rain
And the wind won't stop singing with your voice

The nape of neck
Soft lips
Warm breath
Marked skin

Fainted red
broken promises
Meaningless words

Rain
Rain
It will rain

You talk so much but say none

Am filling my right eye with sand and i'm blinking fine
So clear, Rumpelstiltskin, i knew your name
But the womb won't do
You yourself have feet like mother --
They are dancing and stamping on you

Realize what they really are
The heart can't beat for so long
You didn't wish you were so strong
In my eyes you are grained,
Enough to feed on your own

And i bit my nails but they
Kept growing long
And i cut my hair but it kept growing long
And the skin is dry, tongue and teeth are dry
The knees tinted pink and they fade-

Back then the chest wasn't so heavy
Too much water, maybe
We kept drying the air, the sky
We kept burying clouds in the lungs
And now are broke for buying too many headstones-

Rumpelstiltskin, i know your name
So clear, now i tell you, the womb won't do
You yourself have feet like mother
Dance and stamp on me -- it won't do
So clear, now i tell you, the villagers never liked you---

We had so much water it was too easy to drown
We had so much water it was so hard to walk
We had so much water we even couldn't talk
So clear, Rumpelstiltskin, i knew your name
Am filling my right eye with sand and i'm blinking fine -- except i stop crying i will be fine

Your pretty long hair
and splat of red on your right
cheek
You were God once;
Now you can't be tamed

You prudently hid your neck
to prevent jealousy ---
You danced wilder,
wilder than her; that Isadora
But no mother lets her daughter
stand so lonely
wild so uncontrollably

The long, long scarf
Keeps making legendary
blue and red and black
and black;
And black and back to blue
again
and red and black ---
The show
went on;
It still goes on.

vi.

A cry for help
to the dead

They can't hear
so it's okay

ii.

They say it's a fear of living
Yet they deny
That the other is a fear of dying

iii.

They say suicide is a sin
And your soul was sent to hell
But if that's true
How cruel your God is

iv.

Who needs God?
You were God once;
Now you can't be tamed.

v.

My short black hair
would soon grow
long. In times like
this I do not want to
remember you.

charmless
and the fingers you used to glorify
god
the girl too pure she has nothing to do with sin-
you keep your ****** tight
****** of a moth
it rained light
senseless
and the poets who wear bright yellow coats
exploited
her head hurts when she reads the papers
'don't make me black and white'
****** of a toad
tires and holey road
bricks and cinnamon
****** mocha (a coffee shop)
frightless
a battlefield so full of itself
grand humiliation of oneself
hundreds of bravas, bunch of roses-
venomous thorns
powerless

ii.

smooth thing, you have thighs
seem sweet and chewy, no bake.
please sit on my face.

iii.

it doesn't matter
how i wear my body
anymore.
if i can't give you
a pleasant sight,
i can also eat
your eyes out for you.

v.

what i feel about you is
not divine; no more
than heat, sparks, or
skin to skin contact.

what i feel about you is
pink, is flesh, is the blood rush --
just
some girl stuffs.

i.

you wore a summer high school shirt,
with your arm poured at my skin like milk;
back then cereals were all i could long for.

i hoped for some electricity,
but the night was too strong to be lit;
mildly frustrated light turned into heat.

darkness had become a nice home,
where all the weirdness collided
like cotton candy and a starstruck heart.

you spoke, as the sky fell,
with your lips swollen like honey;
that was the time i found moonlight.

vi.

my catharsis, my beacon in the dark
when i walk with you
all my worries
are meaningless

no longer lost
no more aimless wandering
i know what i want to reach,
i'm very sure of what i'd like to keep

you
felt so much like home, maybe you will
always be the home where i
can feel ugly, yet have never felt so safe

iv.

i've seen the sky & it isn't blue
i've touched the sun & it doesn't burn
i've tried to taste the space, all those planets and stars
but the night falls upon your lap
asleep to your thighs that are lullabies

i keep coming back to the hospital
the red beam on my skin
cold hands, everywhere is clean
and i am not sick. not anymore
not ever again

a white ray of light is carrying me
the road leads an empty flesh
the road swallows whatever's inside
i've become hollow even before- and now
i creak open
trying to stuff myself with what doesn't belong

this is a house. this, a hospital
i didn't pay my rent, so i came from the back
i keep coming back to the hospital
my feet, my head, my soul
only the heartbeat is steady. like the earth

that is the sun. that, what shouldn't burn

nurture me, nurses. smile at me like ever
gently feel the fabric of my clothes, doctor
tell me to eat. tell me to rest
tell me to do everything i shouldn't do

isn't that so naughty? to eat? to rest?
i wonder
i keep
i keep wanting to

this, a forever. this is the hallway

O insanity, how i long for you
Swamped cityscape, a hometown
Knee-deep but it's drowning
My lungs take on my own blood
I choke. I choke and i want more
High building pressure
Everyone wants to jump just to have fun
O insanity, where have you gone?
I have soft scars on my hand
I have open wounds inside
Where, where have you gone?
I am left with artificial sweetener
I am left with cold dinner
My own hands are the pass
to an escape
to immense maze
I don't use them they use me

The heat is trying to leave me
I feel so cold
And helpless

Will you leave me too?
If I say I need you
And I want to be with you
Will you cut me off?

I don't know how strong
I can be
To step beyond the boundaries

I don't know how real
This dream is
Or is this a nightmare?
Whatever, just don't wake me up
If this can't be real

Will you push me away?
I wanted to tell you
If I could just be
With you even just for a day
I'd be okay