I started burning
Like a phoenix

"I will die today," she whispers to me
"Well, congratulations!" I reply in glee
Her cheeks become rosy
Eyes be sparkly
Like the ones you see
in those who soon will marry; but
truer and far more pretty.
She will die today--
She will die today, really!
I am happy and
so is she, oh, so is she.

Too much things to do
I could just pretend to care then ignore

Too much places to go
I could just pretend to ignore but I can't anymore

This body can take it but
This mind is too weak

You seem like Jesus
Are you Jesus? But no ---
You call Him with another name

Your eyes look like Jesus'
Are those His? But no ---
I've never seen His nor yours anyway

Where do you hide
on my nightmares? I fear
your absence, I never could make you up
inside my head!
Fading voice, dim heartbeat,
smooth, smooth surface of skin
An acne on my chin reminds me
you were once also a teen


Bloodfall
A trace of betrayal appears on your stomach

Your tongue and hands make miracle
I think you may well be Jesus
I saw it on the bible
But no ---

I look pale. Where's the blood?
They are scared. I knew it.
What gets better? They are all gone.
It's dusty. Fragile. Old thing.
We all want to leave the town. Admit it. Just like that.

1/
Under your claws, I
could not fly. My wings rot; soul
numbs; heartbeats empty.

2/
You say I'm alive
though it's just my body. You
killed me; deny it.

3/
I seek freedom and
I do fight for mine. But don't
you say I love it.

4/
Do you know that when
you killed one longing, you were
teeming three others?

1/
Why didn't you order chinese tea
like we usually had

or break the glass and plate
just to see the waitress bend?

2/
We let the boat, corroded,
taking us to the middle of sea

and though it was raining hard
your tears were the only I did see.

3/
You stood like a tree,
breathed thunder.

We're each other's fire
and that's how I believe in forever.

You are still a
God and i
Can't reach
You.

It is going to
feel like a dream that leaves you
drenched in nasty sweat.

I'd like to meet you
tomorrow. Sunday morning
in a dying church

I escaped the warmth
so that I could see. Your eyes
are looking at mine

I would like to wash
your face. With my tears that soon
would turn into blood

my breath is gone & my neck is missing.
my forehead is swelling & hot i could just eat my brain raw.
i cannot find my throat but it tastes sour.

my eyes watery & colorblind.
while my stomach works too hard, my ears just can't take it anymore.
& my tongue knows only one taste.

my chest too tight & the bones won't do.
a song is sung, the time is up.
my clock keeps failing my now.

i read bible out loud & i became a saint.
my blood won't cure but it could wash sins.
just don't do this at home.

when i see your eyes i see an eye and another eye.
when i see your eyes there's nothing much i can see other than your eyes.
when i see your eyes i see eyes.

iii.

boiling bath
frosty shower
scorching head
frigid heart

Your belt does not touch my skin
but it does wound my mind.
That sound and I look like still;
deep down I am shivering.
We live in a land of fear.
You are used to it
but I never would be.
I want to be free.
Starting from this home
I call as house.

What I thought was warmth
is actually heat. My iron soul
is melted. Let me be free.
For me hell is frosty.
I never said heaven is the
opposite.
I don't believe in life.
It's all just bad jokes,
if you are wondering why
I laugh so much
yet they look like forced.

I knew when the sun went through your body. Tangled veins all over your yellowish bones. Your flesh were a three colored ribbon; blue, green, and purple. You seemed a lot like a garden where you'd used to hide some of your bruises. You always told me that there was no treasure box shimmering like your sweat and blood drips but oh how poor, how poor of you that you've never had seen the glimmer on your tender eyes that was a sleeping, sound blue star. Now you know why I didn't believe it when you said you were born from the womb of a tree. You lied as much as you coughed. I didn't like it. But the syllables your tongue had made were tender and the intangible comfort I'd felt made me forgot to complain. I knew it when you said you were a karst and I was the river you kept so dearly like the teddy bear you wouldn't let anyone to touch. I never had seen if you had a teddy bear but only for that one, I believed you. I still do.

On Wednesdays we used to burn books together. You knew I loved the way they became ashes so sometimes you'd let me too. But how would I forgive you, oh you? On that one Thursday I wished it were me who'd turned into the pages. And I still do oh I still do.

fire is wings
to free the body
deny the soul

ii. Flower

Your hair is petals
and i am a butterfly
sipping your nectar

tyndall, my dear tyndall in the morning
why don't you tell me
how blurriness is the majesty
here
when i put my glasses on
and sip the liquid i cannot tell what it is
it becomes foggy
why don't you tell me
how i wish i were a forest fairy
that misty eyes are not what the lake tells
that it is what the lake shows
behind your clothes
there is no skin
you have no flesh
crushed skeleton
yellow as pollen
they named you tyndall with a reason
why don't you tell me
how all of these time i prayed to ra
diana kept giggling and put all my cries
under the label 'noises'
i thought i could trust her
my mother once said so
that she was my other
why don't you tell me
how the striped pants on the runways
are now out of date
how flower prints on the blowing skirts
of ladies who promise you
to gather you to their breast
do not wither
why don't you tell me
i do not have to water
them
don't you see the flow
of liquid i cannot tell what it is
keeps running and running out
i will soon be dry
is it a cactus i see -- i can't even
there's none
you don't have to tell me

It is strange and I am afraid
I am afraid this is not real
I am afraid this is real

The lights so bright
I am ashamed now they see me
Skin or soul does not matter

Let it be dark
Let it be dark
So I wouldn't know what I would be killing

Be it a poisonous spider with my bare hands
Or be it my lovely goddesslike mother
Or be it the dream that never grows

Now, strip
And wither
Petals so dry they become powder

The painting-so red-flaring- it mocks me
Headless bombs
I have nothing to do with explosions

Turn off the sun it bothers me
So much
That the sun would never

Let me see its whole self
What are you hiding, sun?
Hiding is lying

to yourself
Let's say hi to the sun
I am on your back

To stab
Stab
Stab the sun it would never bleed

Because
It burns
And collapses-

Sadness is like the stars, and happiness the skies. But atop you just dead flowers and dried tears, keeping you warm are maggots and shrouds.
No one has any idea, your heart beats in perfect harmony.
Let it be, you let it be.
That's the closest to the air you can give, although it can only grow thinner. Dear oxygen has left you for good. Your rotten lungs can only grow more sour. Your throat severely wounded and your own mouth tastes like vinegar.
That detailed twist in your abdomen. Right. Your body is soundproof.
You can't even remember the ****** scene.

You and I, we, will pass
just like the rough nights
I thought would last forever.

I keep coming back again
my home is pain
my lover is suffering
a lonely glance, who would have the heart?
you have no idea how many times
I've been brought back to life
each and every time I die
so I live anyway

Was Tuesday, pale and gray
Hungry, stray, cold as the cat
It happened then, stayed
Come any near, you are slashed

If I had, I'd give you
Time, forever, mortal
Wings to fly, hands to pray
Eyes to close, lungs to shut

For another cry, good and dry
Without skin, melt a touch
No heat, no cloud to lift
Was Tuesday, all the saints' lips

What astronomer, the stargazer
What is it like from above?
What metaphor, such tongue
Warmth matters not any longer

she killed your breath
high pitched and dark
she broke your back
all the way from stomach

you don't drown in acid
you don't crawl from pool of tears

she put her head in the wrong neck
she twisted her fate for a wrong wrist
she cried out and died
all in your arms she stained so hard

*you don't drown in tears
you don't crawl from pool of acid

A year, it's been a year.

I promised I would not **** ants
anymore but I just killed them yet again.
My fingers smell like insects and

ammonia in bathroom.
It's just that I haven't died in such

a long time,
daisy, promise me that you will

write about me
on a public bathroom wall
with your wife's grape lipstick.
Buy her one, she would not want to use

the blood-red-from-my-vessels one, but please
tell her
to use the baby cologne I

can buy at the minimarket.

You are inside your
own stomach and i cannot
tell where---where it is

do not wake me up
when i come to you
and kiss your hand
just close your eyes
and sleep
dry lips on your eyelids
not mine, not mine
i am not here
the weight you feel
the warm breath against your skin
the trembling touch on your cheek
not mine, not mine
your doubled heartbeats
caused by too much coffee
please believe me
or not
just close your eyes
just do not wake me up

Daddy, you are the man who plays
destiny loudly though fails so badly.
That man doesn't improve at all, don't you agree?
But, daddy, no one hates a bad performer.
One just does not want to watch them any longer.

Daddy, destiny is
a game over.
And losing something is nothing
until it's you who keep it very dearly who soon become the one who makes it evaporated.
Daddy, daddy, destiny is
I fall apart and you might too,
or we both do.

Either way would hurt.
But I know which is the more hurtful way.
Either way may end the same.
But I know which is the prettier way. The way that is full of rainbows and clear waterfalls and lakes with bunch of lotuses.
I know how to fall apart more gracely, daddy, way more beautifully.

I know you have the chance to see it. You have what I don't.

And, daddy, do you know that love
doesn't exist,
never?
I know you do.

I fall because I
am afraid of height, I fell
but am still afraid.

you know better than me
everything you do has meaning
every step you make is correct*

eyes don't lie, only hard to understand
chasing illusion
too off, no control

a sea of worries
fall in, deeper, deeper
looking for easy way out

eyes wide open, filled with salt
it's red, full of genesis
tastes sour, just right

iii. Name

I borrow your name
for the days i cannot bear
(and some ****** poems)

Magnificent dragon
Its fire burns from within
Black, so black
Threatening smell spreads on the ground

Hidden and cool
Breathe so calm
A one, a two, a three
I have became another statue

But I am only human
Brash heart should beat more
I should sweat more, wet and flood
Let it be, let the dragon know I fear it

I am a decayed
flower; losing a beauty
to become a seed.

1.
Earrings pierced on my skin. Hand me some pain, it does not hurt like I wished.

2.
I'm breaking my bones for your brother to toy with. How could I be hurt?

3.
Appearance of that krankenschwester makes us, the children, run real fast.

4.
We are holding a camp! I brought the meals but the milk has expired.

5.
Have you ever heard the story of The Blue Beard? Do it. Stain the key.

6.
I am waiting at the Night. Evening is not that bad, I promise.

7.
The twelve swans and you. I wish it were a ballet. Now, what do you wish?

I love what people
tell me, because I am too
dull to see what's shown.

Another name that is not mine
you mention in a prayer.
Another voice that is not mine
makes your body shiver.
Another smile that is not mine
brings back the child in you, a dreamer.
It feels like sword. Like cyanide acid. Like fire.
Typical, typical destroyer.

The air tastes like apple. Like God's anger.
And, somehow, somehow, it hurts.

you, too, are broken
like me, like a wounded tree;
nothing could save you.

I am happy that you exist
though i am not that i do

Heaven is the way
I wrote those pretty letters
I've now forgotten

Unfinished poems are the

I have this tone of
voice only you can listen
but can't bear to so.

Because all i want
is to be a butterfly
and lose my four wings.

My love, what gives me
peace; without war there is none-
My love, what gives me life; also what kills-
what knows; like the cat I
have nine times to die.
Deadline, there is something much
more important; suicide prevention lifeline.
My love, my right to live, my right to die;
I wish I were deeper than
children section at the pool-
Where I first tried to drown-
Water loves but you
are the most; Since you found me,
since I found you,
since then I recognized you
in blood vessels, living in
tummy that used to be afraid of soda.
My love, I make you weak, never stronger
than ever; I make you light,
never hold so much, never be another than
malnutritional.
My love, I will not let go of you,
just like you won't of me.
I only **** you, like you do,
like you had done, I did it,
bare-handed.

To Plath
Chubbuck
And Duncan
Whose deaths I adore
Haha! Education
Is just another way
To suffer

Life as an art
Did you take it because
You feared it? Never ---

(Beautiful things
Will turn ugly, will rot
And become *****)

Why isn't illness
A right?

truth is sweet
a cherry in the tongue
dry lips
dull eyes

nothing has ever been so wrong
sour throat
wind floats like hair
mermaid's neck

isadora's tips of fingers
clean and short

car crash by car crash
everybody listens

avoid the lights
hide in the hole
find behind the walls

anyone would wish sharper
darker
harder
quieter

Where is my thunder?
It isn't under the bed
nor under my scalp.

when you're sick your mind is not right
all you want to do is to survive
but everyone's telling you you're mistaken
"no, not like that" yet never did they
then tell you like what,
like what in a way you can understand

Clenched teeth, she is going to throw
her dear phone against the window

for the second time, fanning slow,
she is going to collect the pieces of sorrow

she mistakenly thought as flowery anger.
It doesn't shine blue, although it is fire

that burns true, that dances as kitten's purr;
Isadora sings, there is never a scarf so pure.

Sacred years, tingles between the pores,
sour-scented candles, scared youths, goodness

can only formed by time.
Butterflies are goddesses, they only

exist in sweetened myths. She,
she is a moth, timeless.

It's all too tiring.
Don't you tell me not to fear,
That keeps me here.

My arms just died, they
cannot hold you.
These legs, too

old and tired, I
cannot use them.
Don't drown, I cannot

swim. Don't
fall, I cannot
catch. Don't

leave, I cannot
say a thing.
Only this

poor letter.