ii.

I have heard Sia's voice
First was on Titanium's music video
Which I clicked out of bore
Second was-- There was no second time
(Maybe there will be)
I cannot remember how Sia sings
All I want is to hear
Holly covering songs
(Somehow Holly reminds me of Zac)
Holly's voice is not the kind of sound
You would fall for in a second
It is true love you will feel --
How John said it is just perfect;
Like falling asleep
Slowly, slowly, then all at once
(I don't know how many times
This has been mentioned on hellopoetry)
I didn't really read romance
But M said (not to me),
If you want to write romance,
Write it like John did TFIOS
(Not that I want to write romance
Or write anything worth reading)
And this would appear as boring
And random, but no:
I remember, M said that
Usually the sentence that begins with
'Honestly'
Doesn't really contain that much honesty
So
Honestly,
Those above (and below) aren't really the things
I wanted to talk about
(It's confusing, if you think about it more)
I don't know anymore
How many times this Sia's Chandelier
(Holly's cover, of course)
Has been repeated
(Over and over again)
I remember, my favorite before this was
Marina and the Diamonds' Teen Idle
I remember Holly cut some part of the lyrics
It reminded me of Zac
Or was it Gwen?
I really like mixing up things-
Really
I like being here
The locked door of the bathroom
Makes me feel safe
And the toilet seat
Has known me
Better than myself
It is like a mother, or an other self
Who just accepts me for who I am
It knows the most of me
How I move, cry, and smile and laugh
How I sing, how I scream
Even how I grow, how I fall and die
How I tried to ******* and gave it up
How I became me, how I am me
And not only hows but also the tiring whys
It knows
It accepts
But I will leave
Soon
And this bed and this messy room
And the hidings and the accidental leakings
And the family's warmth and their love
I will leave
Soon
Sorry not sorry
That I am happy
To leave
Soon

iii.

There is no place to hide
So **** false identity
I will soon be forgotten
So **** shame, **** filter
They say people are people
Because of their secrets
Because they are mysteries --
It's my wish to be nothing
I want to let go
I want to let go

It's hard to be a human
I am too complex to be none
I once thought
I wanted to be an amoeba
And I think I still want it
It is a lot better than to have these organs
Especially this brain
I don't like this brain
It manipulates me
It controls me
It thinks for me and without it I am stupid
When would I be free?
I want the freedom to think
Brain, don't control me
Let go of me
Let go of me

All I want is honesty
I want truth
Live in truth, breathe in truth
Know only how to
Say only the truth
**** fears
I am afraid
To be nothing
To tell anything
To know anything
When I made this account
I forgot to rehumanize
People other than me
(Not that I did rehumanize myself)
I didn't expect you all
To be so human
**** fears
I am afraid

She used to dream a lot
She really loved it
Until one day
A dream came true

ii.

They say it's a fear of living
Yet they deny
That the other is a fear of dying

iii.

They say suicide is a sin
And your soul was sent to hell
But if that's true
How cruel your God is

iv.

Who needs God?
You were God once;
Now you can't be tamed.

For you the hell was icy
And devil's breath was frost
You were never ready for it
Cold shower had never helped
Sleeping in refrigerator
The ice cubes
For lunch, dinner, breakfast,
Lunch, dinner, breakfast-
You had your head
In the freezer all the time-
Wrong choice
More and more nightmares
You just could not be helped
People's stares only made it worse
Your blood vessels couldn't take it more
Mouth glued by frozen saliva
Eyes open all the time due to hardened tears
More and more nightmares
You were never ready for it
You were never ready for any coldness

You were loved
It was a burden
You thought it would be unfair
To not return the love
So you let the deafening silence
Fill the room where your voice
Should have been

I know
You were afraid to love
And now
So am I
If it is not
You

How could you find
beauty in something beautiful?
I once saw a sunset
too glorious, too magnificent ---
The dizzying, striking beauty made me
shiver, tremble,
shudder.
Almost seemed like White's dear Great Evil Queen,
but actually it wasn't,
it was God! Making fun
of your disgustingly ***** sins
And mine, and mine,
and mine --
My eyes burned in fright!
My unconscious teeth --
If only I hadn't closed my eyes
My tongue would bleed and burst
in red, red of the blood clot
And black black shades of my heart
In a twine they are
Matching the cries
of the evening birds
of the dying leaves
of the gangs where children are *****
of the rivers which bottom's made of bodies
The red clotting; Shaded it black
Black black of the foolish, blunt heart ---
If only I hadn't closed my eyes
I would have been beautiful
Like the grand, whirled yellow-red sky
The so-called sunset
The God masked in the event of setting sun
And you would see me
And you would know it's impossible
To find beauty
In something beautiful
And you would
Shiver and
Tremble and

Shudder.

When I feel lonely
I love.