You were my worst critic and you were supposed to be my champion.

I'm not sure why
But there is always so much
Beauty in the rebirth.

I wanted a picture perfect realm
Shatter onto the ground
My mother screams on the other end
The chides of a broken woman
And somewhere it gave me the strength
To realize I was settling
On the rocks
Drink it back
Spit it out

I don't know anything anymore
I don't know that I ever have
And I console myself with
Well honey baby you had to give it a try
A real try
Because that's who you are

And there are no coincidences here
It just was time to go
I know you fear your own decay
But there's so much beauty in the rebirth
And the task and life
You have taken on
Is no easy task
You had always known you needed a warrior
And many masked men
Trick themselves into thinking
They too carry a sword
Only to fall on their knees
From the weight of the strength

And that's so okay.

My biggest regret is that I had to watch you watch me walk away.

I'm feelin' a lil fragile
I think I'll go
Paint the town

It's raining outside now
I hope it stops
We paint our lips
Discuss our chagrin
Knee highs
Newness
Once again
Begin again.

I been tryin' to
Marry myself off
Too early
Mama and I lament our losses
And I think
This is gonna be a beautiful
Movie I'm gonna make
Someday.

I got everything you don't
Tattoos and lace
I dyed the top of my hair purple
Like I did at our beginning
How sentimental
To end it all.

I think I'll go paint the town
In whatever way
With some fierce ladies in tow
We don't got the answers
But we got the body
That draw
Me
I got the body
The fate.

Let's boogie.

Mama talkin' about
She so broken
She was standin' behind the glass
Actin' like a peepin' tom
We don know when pappy gon come home
Everyone sips sweet tea
Don know where they belong.

We wearin' bonnets
Clever lil debutante gloves
Drinkin' whiskey grins
Coupled with who we wan
Our men to be
Seekin' out that M.R.S. degree
They call it
With a yeehaw
And a tip of the hat
Another engagement
I'm the old maiden
I know I got another round
Of reinventing myself ahead.

Mama in a big empty house
I complain about my ex boyfriend
Not checkin' in
I wonder really
How much he gotta carry
Or if we ever really
Carried me at all.

My room has a treasure trove
Of photos from the land before time
Papa say he stayin'
With one or two friend
We don know if he comin' back
Mama gotta pick herself back up
Just as I am
Just as I do
But I'm a city girl now
I'm a city girl now

Mama
You gotta find your place to stand.

I know you aren't the one for me
Because you haven't written a single poem
On your account

I know you aren't the one for me
Because you haven't taken the time
Or the concern
To check in or ask

I know you aren't the one for me
Because I'm relieved to have my life back

I know you aren't the one for me
Because you just aren't.

I'll read more
2. I'll write more
3. I'll become more comfortable in my own skin
4. I don't have to walk on eggshells or pretend to be more than I'm just not
5. My youth doesn't have to disappear
6. I don't have to commute to be with you
7. I don't have to make your responsibilities mine
8. I have to figure things out on my own
9. I have to take the time to really get to know and fall in love with me
10. I don't have to be pushed, pulled, and deceived
11. I'll really get back in incredible shape
12. Fitness and health will become a priority again
13. I don't have to want more than you can give me
14. I can adventure on my own
15. I'll save money
16. I'll save time
17. I'll go to more events
18. I'll meet more people
19. I can become everything I need to become freely
20. I can allow myself to be 26
21. The right person will show up
22. It just won't be so horribly hard
23. I don't have to battle your character flaws daily
24. Or worry about your future or dog
25. I can look like whatever I want
26. Your mood will no longer control mine.

You demanded a list
Of all I had done to add
To your life
As if I was wasted time
Wasted air
And yet I still listed out loud
Some of things I know I had done
To make you better.

This morning I am sad and angry
I don't want to return
I have so much to say
And there is just no need
I showed you the insides of
My eyelids
Gave you pieces of my heart
Sacrificed my own well being
Happiness
Anything I could
To keep this going
And yet still
At the end of it all
You would disrespect all I am
All I have worked for
Push me to my breaking point
And still come back for more

As if to only say
In-between bites of my egg
Go, leave

You just never thought I would.

The truth is
The realest truth of it all
Is that I have spent
Every waking moment of my life
Longing
Aching
Seeking
Reaching
For the noise and heartbeat
Of a man

And for once
For once
I feel comforted by the sound of silence
And just my own thoughts
And breath.

I miss you so dearly.
My mama says she feels empathy for you
As though you are her
And me my father
But I saw the licks of
Hell as your face
Turned a deep red
I tried to speak out
The words invisible to your ears
Mine aching from the chaos
You inflicted because you felt
You deserved it

I think of the beginning
And how elated you were
To have me by your side
I had a very you and me
Kind of dinner tonight
And yesterday
Beets at the center
Except now it's just me.

The seat across from me--once again
Empty.
But we all know you couldn't have been here anyway
And I guess that gives me some hand held peace
You want
You are drained.
I drink champagne
And chalk up our fate
Knowing this chair stays empty
For now
And has revolved like the swivel of my front door
Throughout my 26 years
When will one at last stick?
But I deeply know when.
And for once--
I find and relish
It's emptiness

For now
And that makes me
Slightly smile.

I don't know
That I was ever fully in love with you
Or the life I thought
We might build together
Someday.

I was really hoping
As if I
Could play hop scotch
Criss cross
With chalk
In matching bathingsuits
The summer sun kissing
Our young skin
Green suckers to **** thin
Everything so young
So fresh.

He said he's just sorry he ran out of patience
I knew the moment my flesh grazed your flesh
In a way that was
No longer filled with romance
That it was all over for me.

Drunkenness
Everybody battles their
Drunkenness
Time to jet set away
For a moment
We made plans to
We hoped to
We made plans to
We hoped to

None of it matters now.
I've cried into the arms
Of Chicago women
I didn't know we're so fully there
Until they just were
I've accepted I'm the one whose a mess
At this juncture in time.

Mostly relief
Relief to take my life back
Enjoy my own company
My own space
I don't need to
Seek and long for a love
I felt was never fully realized
And like you weren't truly building us
A life in the periphery of our present time
And I need that
I deserve to have that.

I imagine you now
Deep in the crevices of your couch
Your old dog sleeping quietly
Glad the blonde bird has at last
Claimed her own nest
Poor pup feared for us
And that always hurt my heart.

I imagine you must be lying there
Damp in your hoodie
Perhaps having glasses of red wine
Left over pizza
I wrapped and put away for you
Because it was the small
Little things that I did
The best things I could do
That you never really thanked me for
But it was all I had.

I know you must feel much pain
Regret
I'm not surprised, I warned you
Throughout the harsh marsh of the night
And still you carried on with your knife.

So goodbye sweet bear
Goodbye little baby boo
The baby talk was all mine from the start
And I don't feel as though
My carpet is gone
Or as if there has been an identity theft
But I'm glad to no longer worry
Wonder
If it was really just me you wanted
As I carved out a space
In your one person and pet home
And said, me
I want to belong here
You only opened your arms to me
And the life we could have built

Halfway.

And that's why I can no longer
And will no longer
Stay.

I stopped loving you
The moment you told me to hit you
And I watched my hands
My legs
My rage
Take hold of me
And there was no turning back then.

You will never know how much it hurt that you turned out to be wrong.

There is a woman to my right
She has peacock feathers tattooed
To the tops of her chest
I haven't showered today
A sense of relief and defeat
The greatest embers of disappointment
I tried to show you all of me
And your rebuttal was that
You weren't enough
But really it was you
And your insecurities
Your deepest fears
That laid their empty heads
On the soul of me hoping
You would forever be my touch stone.

We watched the tape
Back to back
I picked through
Wondering how to seriously
Be better for you
Logic at the tips of
My oozing freedom, sensuality
Artistry
And the disappointment
For the life I hoped we were on our way
To building
Gone
And I don't know
That they ever fully
Existed.

Mickey Mouse
I twirled into the axis of my own world
I was fun for you for a while
But in the end
You let your mask off
Only to say
You're too much woman
I cannot accept all of you
You're just too much.

So I left and went
The world cries tears today
And in the height of my family crisis
You held me in moments
Only to watch me go
With a sense of regret
I know you will forever
Remember.

I always felt
Deep down
That I was your last hope

So when the ugliness in you
Reached a volume I could no longer
Bare
Encouraging and fighting
For me to join into
The tableau of horrors
I said could not
And would not

And fled the scene
Just like I predicted you would run out
Of steam
But your inner demons
They tricked you and blamed me
So I decided you didn't matter as much
As my work, my soul, my heart
My well being
And never looked back.

I'm passing by a grave site
Tomb stone by tomb stone
On the early morning train
The sun has finally chosen to rear its head
Only as if to mock me
With its windy cheerfulness.

Mama and daddy ain't happy
They ain't been happy for quite sometime
The Bible says
And I selfishlessly
Want my picture perfect
Alabama life
To never change.

I take note of every little thing
While remaining a steady gaze
Hidden behind my sunglasses
And I too want to respond
In a rash intrinsic way.

I remember Christmas
We all adults now
Brothers don't really know
Mama and papa just gotta work it out.

I talk into the receiver of the phone
I come home to the man who loves me
But knows not how to hold himself up
And I wonder
Are any of us meant to be together?

I hope so
And in this moment
I wish I could move far away
And never look back
But I already did that.

It's been a tough time
I look out into the darkness
At the top of the peak of my
Mountain
Covered in twenty something
Just trying to fight, figure it out
Maybe fight with more gratitude
A little more selflessness.

I close my eyes
Between lines
Wednesday night clamoring on
The speed of sound slipping by
Making plans
The rainy days seems to hold us down
I ache because I wanna be
In the picture perfect
Though I know ain't nothing that way
Of the home you built
On the hearth of what you hold so dear
And I fly in-between takes
Your strong patience
Forever urging me on
And next to you
As I bury myself into my deepest fears
Only to crawl back out
After a long nights sleep
Glad I didn't step and repeat
Into a cave of violence
I've known and breathed in to
So plentiful before.

A slight shimmering sound
Like we all know where we are supposed to stand
But no one does
I watched it all leap from beginning to end
As if it launched out of the screen
Held me by the throat
And said
Good work little one
And as always go on along.

The back of your neck trickles in sweat
When you worry the most
And I often nudge you at night
When you snore
You would write down my meaningless
Sleep filled words
And read them out loud
And lately we try to remember
We keep check on that rhythm
That love
We recognized in each other
Within the first drop of wine.

I remember when
Your back faced me at the bar
I romanticize every ******* thing
But I think you know and love that
And I love that you might love that.

I've trampled through woods and logs
To get to where I stand
And you've rumbled through gravel and goo
To stand in front of me.

If I could nimble by thimble
Carefully piece it all together
So I already knew all the answers I might would
But I'm no math genius
But I sure can kick your *** at checkers
Not chess.

I love you more than anyone.

I wanted to give you a little bit of something
Felt the urge within my clammy warm blood
To surrender a feeling
Because your voice and your power
Releases and creates a symphony
Of rhythmic roaring waves
Out into the horizon
Of an island I know not the name of
But we all hope to reach.

A **** colored sweater
I recall the clearest first
Jewelry in your hair
Mine too
We glimmer past the shadows
And into a place we hope to give a little bit
Of a kinda heaven
To those whose eyes we hope to teach.

Its a little bit of something
In the air of the coming summer
We all long for a new beginning
As the hum drum of the state of the world
Has always been dark and deep
But not seen by those
Who cannot first hand
Reach into their soul
To understand the pitter patter
Of the darkest and lightest corners.

I use to and still do
Believe
That we've got the kind of special
The special that someday if anyone ever found out
They would mention us in the fine lines
Of the history books
Our distant connection from afar
Within cities
Sending poetic antics
Music
Art filled love.

But the jazz flows into the crevices
Of a dried sunflower
Reminding us all to dance
Your words, your creation it does that
And I'll always be in the crowd to cheer you on
Or ask you to let me use your power
In my movies
As a barricade of tilted glass
Raises itself on to its hinges
In search for a better now.

Remember how
Like a **** of colorful fluttering dust
We disappeared into the night
Or the corners of your dark room
I handed you a picture
On the fourth of July and said
I know this must look like the inside of your head.

I took and take photos of everything
You sing and croon
Your rhythms and rhymes
Into the early hours of the morning
The love we had and have
Still so much there
But like we
And our art
Ever evolving.

I often wonder if I've really got a place here
In it all
So I carve out a fresh spot
My blonde head bobbing
A contender all my own.

We reached our thick fingers into
The filtered with starry eyed night glass
And whispered
Lets grab a taco
A milkshake
Sleep in a bed too small
Only to wake to long whispered poetics
That meant so much
But meant friendship in the end.

I remember how you use to reassure me
That we would get married someday
And I believed you for a time
Hanging on to what might be our future
The first time you came into my bedroom
You said
"This is what the room of someone really successful looks like"
Eyeing all of my post its
My endless scrawls and antics
Touch on touch

But just not enough.

I listened to your album all the way through
Your voice so clear, so confident
You gonna blow up baby
Just like you once told me
A plethora of times

Here's to fighting for it all.

A girlfriend told me today
"Your star is certainly rising"

And for a moment I believed her.

Only to find myself caught up
Confused
Desperate
Embarrassed
And wanting to disappear
Yet again.

I submerged myself in water
Pinched my nose and puffed my cheeks
I wondered if I slept under
Let go in the coral reef
Or if the grip of a naysayer
In a hooded cloak held me down
In the tidings of my fancy little Chicago apartment
What would happen then?

The sky so quickly grew
From a faded blue to black
I drive nails into my skin
Like I'm hammering at the end
With a jigsaw puzzle
Gazing into my naked reflection
I peep through the peepholes
Remembering when it was just me
My best friend dreams of
Dreams of herself alone
And I disappear into my tower
On the 8th floor
And gaze out my window tonight

I was the one who brought myself here
In all of its magnetic and iron clad chaos.

Social media can make us all worry
I tip my hat
A man working at the grocery store
Gazed at me each time I walked by
It wasn't even creepy
He was just curious
Interested
I think.

Bright orange hat
I must have looked like a cartoon
A video game character
Everything feels like such a big little thing
It all feels as if its being performed under the helm
Of a proscenium theatre
Because there has never
Ever
Been an aspect of my life
That wasn't dissected upon
By the public.

It's smells and feels like
My old coffee shop days
When I fell into the vat of
I'm so new.

And it's like every little thing
Makes me tremble or shudder
I take everything so personally.

My hair is faded coral
I try to love this version of me
Everything is hide tide ridden
Stressful
And my face swells up
With tears
When I think of how much
I miss my mama and papa in  Alabama.

I miss how I use to be
Because I'm a gluten for nostalgia
I'm the recepient of constant
Expectation
Backlash
And everyone chalks it up as
You are just too much woman.

I reached out to him
The one who tread on my heart
Like it was wilting lumber
We had a kind and cinematically emotional conversation
Filled to the rim with toys r us.

God forbid we trend on the internet
I'm crying in a coffee shop now
Just ever so slightly
Because Chicago is a constant purr and whirlwind
And I'm just trying to
Do nothing
But kick ***
And Love.

Here
In this plane of
Racing
Winds chiming
On by
I stick my coral blonde head
Into the hamper
And feel that familiar sensation
In my ears
When I know I need a break soon

The train nearly throws us
As it zooms and goes
In the dreary Chicago
Global warming.

We stop at the Western blue
Where I once hung up all my dreams on a wall
And those closest to me sometimes think
Their silence makes them mean the most of all
But it don't mean ****.

Honey bear too
Needs a break
Can see it all in his face
A warm cocoon to remind me
How grateful I must be
For each day.

And now and now
And now and now
Just be present.

A wilted whisper
The face soft and feminine
Told me in my lucid morning dreams
"You need to love yourself better little one"
And give less of a general ****.

Just in a place
Where my soul feels 108 years old
The word fun or activities that look fun
Take great endurance
And even as I am lead into dancing
I still find myself
Wondering
If I'll ever belong anywhere.

I love hearing you talk about where I use to live to your friends
Especially as the rain pours down
On the little refrigerator vehicle
We whisk ourselves away in
And I try to forget
The ways I worry and hurt
As the lightning that glimmers
In the soon to be spring time night
And I just hope
My love for life
And awakeness
Comes fleeting back.

There is not a person on this planet
I don't feel skepticism towards

Here's what is different
First of all,
Everything.

Like a motorized scooter
Or a thinly coated toothbrush
You can walk on through to wherever it is
You need to go
Pointing out the faces and places
Of the close proximity
Upon which we all use to live
Memories flashing by
Like a kite I let go into the sky
Watched it ascend and then went my own way.

Perching on the top of the 8th floor
Its easy to find days, no need to go anywhere
Friends are harder to make plans with
A draining sensation of lets just stay in
Everybody needs it though
Everybody needs that self care regimen.

A little bit less drama
A slower step into the sun
Everything on corners
And its all so much cheaper
But the operating cameras and flashing
They not thriving when its done
They not thriving when its done
Not now.

And in the windy city
I looked upon a photo
June 1, 2015
Jean jacket. Long hair.
Everything has changed
And a little, a lot
Not much
Has stayed the same.

We cooked up our laces
Our string bean mama hen
The glue that holds it altogether
A plethora of whiskey shots
And most days, most nights
It depends
There is an event for
Every witch which
And I haven't even been here all that long
But I've been dotting my i's
And crossing my t's
It's all so different
None of it the same

But me
I'm still drifting
In and out
And in.

It's something in the finite way
The dreariness of where you thought we once stood
But I always had my own shield on my back
Prepared for my own flight.

It's something in the way that you talk about yourself
And the way it influenced me
To the point of close humiliation
In the verbiage of representation
A heeded warning from a dear old friend
That shook me to the bone
But what you couldn't see
Is that you negatively influenced me.

It's the wonderment of the moments
Where our companionship made us feel less alone
Only for me to lock myself away in the cocoon of my room
For little
For a lot.

It was the newness, the beginning
Of trying everything on and finding
That perhaps you aren't my type of tea
And those that choose to stand next to me
Will never see or appreciate it clearly
So I digress in what I experienced
And saw and felt
Sweet or bitter
As if it was a lost letter
Forgotten and taken by a monsoon.

It's always been about you
And your face
My movements only matter
If they include you
And thats where I draw the line
A million times
Because it was never, ever
About hidden egos
And the crumbs you sought
Even after they were crumbs
Because you cannot hold onto
Your own heart
And head.

So no,
I won't be there
Not anymore.

And then like a flood of sudden fresh air
Among the tummy aches
The coming to and driving
"You have done so much good already in the world."

Fear not
The truth is in all you do
You don't have to fight to show them so hard anymore
Now don't stop here.

Why must it be
So difficult
In all the buzzing
To sit still
With my love
And he with me
And rest?

My hair is soft
A light shines next to me
Pale mint green shirt
The snow drifts into the tides of March
And an anxious irritability
An unsettling feeling of where
I have yet to get myself
The fears I turned over
And ingested into my mind
Like the udon soup I slurped down
Across from my love
His ruddy face that so often brings me joy
But I spend most our moments
Worrying if he even really likes me.

I tip toed on the edge of death
A colossal measurement of photos
Zooming past
As the umbrella at long last
Outstretched before my head
I read into it like one would the crook
Of an elbow or a book
And worry that because
I am this way or that
Or because I was born into
My daddy's hands becoming a lawyer mans
After long childhood years of picking cotton
On and in
To a blanket of wealth.

The door opens
It's time for bed now
After a greeting
Of just what he knows I would like
He is my love
And I am never right
Or he perfect
And nothing is ever all that wrong here
And I'm just learning
To let myself
Be happy.

Its like a cool wave of sludge
That bottoms out and trickles in
Like the pecking of a fresh cut hen
Twisting and turning
In the order of cycles of thorns
Popping and starting
The phase of manifestation
But abruptly halting.

Its a sensation we cannot really quite express
But find ourselves turning away in bed
Or fighting back the feeling or irritability
While the littlest soldiers inside
In the crevices of the blood red lagoon
Allow a weeping or nearly forms watery tears
To corner and then despair.

Its a feeling we can't quite explain
Society echoed and told us
To be filled with shame
At the prospect of our *****
Revamping and renewing
Revamping and renewing.

So throw a goggle into
The pits of mother earth
Stop the stopper up
And we urge the peace
And acne break outs
To relent
And start again

Next month.

Here is the dusty old
Remolaude
Remember how we
We use it in our crab claws
Or dude our powdered noses
But I stand behind or next to
I stand behind or next to
Time for bed.

We are nearly there
A phase of red
White and I think
I wore a short dress
Saying the word Zak or Zac
It is now to a new friend
Like I didn't come here
Only to have my arm twisted
My eyes held up
Like a razor blade
To all I hoped
But realized
That didn't belong to me
That night
I saw him through the mirror
Like a thorned birdcage
Simplifying and begging things
To go his way
My way
And then just like an invisible thistle
I traipse around town so seldom
Not due to a lack of ambition
But from a fatigue
Of knowing, losing, and regaining.

I stir the ***.
I wish I collected compliments
I seldom truly get
Like the trophies and plaques that once
But still
Covered my room like a cacoon
Not because I deserve them
But because I will be good
And be the very best
I can be
At anything I decide interests me.

I must have thought
Of a thousand different poems
In my head
Only to sit down
While the skillet is cooking
At 3:24am central time
And thought
At which point did I decide I mattered the least?

It was so good
To hear your voice
On the other end of the phone
As a symphony played in front of
My eyes an array full of shadows
Just to say
This is what life is like
Full of full
And challenging love.

It must be somewhat late
Ringing myself loose from
What I can fathom to be
Tightly wound rectangular cages
And it's only in my spare time
That I allow myself to wade
Or dip into what I feel
I can't escape from

A beautiful transwoman tonight
Told me I was a femmewarrior
And still it's the little things
The tiny just about nonexistent
Little things
That cheapen the high highs.

I sat in the gold room
Last like I always do
And remembered why it's my favorite
And my pores bled and sweat
No rat race
Just believe
Just believe my insides hummed.

I wrote on a blank lined white page
In my scrawly script
I've been hearing the lines
Dwindle and intertwine
In the top of my head
Like they are dropping down
From the elevator
Of The Tower of Terror
And I protect like a lioness
But I'd rather be a lion
What you once tried to convince
And joked among
Scoundrels
Didn't matter.

I just don't like you.
It's really plain and very simple
I wish that you would just go away
In your fur stole
And fake solidarity
I wish I could be bigger
Pretend to keep smiling
But I've hit me limit
In exchange for you to *******
And what makes no sense
Is the beggary
To force me to keep waking up
Among the coffee
And food you consumed to quietly
At an empty white table
I owned nothing
I must be stuck in the room
With no door
For it was me
Who could not possibly
Keep leading.

I don't do well with being told what to do
Or by having people leech off of me
I don't do well with feeling like I'm a two
Unless it's with my love
And then I'm never second place.

You have come and gone
I wear patience like a lei
Pretend to sit and pray
Because you can't help but sink your teeth into
All that I love and gave.

I'm hoping honestly
That's the end
I don't tell you of my endeavors
My successes
I trip with how much I need
To fuse the fear with
Alcohol and still you side eye
With glances
It's all caught in a picture

And what's so clear
What's so precise
Is we were never compatible
I just was new.

I remember when
I first discovered ******
Acts
With a tingly sensation
A new glory, obsession
Exploration
With teddy bears or
Whatever made noise
And lathered up
The curiosity
Of the height of young girlhood desire
Shutting doors pontificating
That we all might be *****
With the wave of seduction
We seek or let rest
Depending on the state of our *****.

Hiding under the bed
Eating pennies
We all played doctor in unison
Because our desire is so dark
It seems projected
As a commodity we are told to hide from
But we lick the pedestals
With a vengeance
Mama warned us was unladylike
Because she was told
As a young girl
Playing doctor
Under the crevices of the bed
Or eating pennies
With whatever made noise
To silence
Shrink
Or altogether
Play the disappearing
Sidekick.

I guess the truth is
The drag of surrounding yourself with so many faces
Is you cannot possibly
Make ******* everyone
Happy.

I'm up and hitting the pavement
Head first, burst into flames
Everyone wants to sleep in
Take a little, take a lot
I'm waking up at 5am
Jotting down notes of to do
Staying at my own place
So I can hit that fit
Ride or die
I don't need a sidekick by my side
I'm my own boss.

We got the wrath, the fury
Running on empty living off last paycheck
Giving it all I got
Everyone thinks I got it all
Just 'cuz I'm in a 17 dollar fancy dress
I'm being asked for advice
The climate of the stream
I'm swimming in deep
Hoping not to say anything stupid
Or anything I wouldn't want to repeat
But everyone thinks I have it all
And maybe in some ways I do.

But I'm up before you
While you writing that Instagram novel
Recycling your tumblr found mantras
Or sipping gin juice
Forgetting we need this or that
Or demanding more of me
Than you can choose
I was out here
Up here
Hitting the pavement
Lighting the flames
Cuz I'm the ******* leader
And I don't need to flaunt it
Because it's bigger than just my blonde head
But while you were sleeping
I was up and out.

A long sleeved red t-shirt
No, sweat shirt
From the boy I snoozed next to only once
We admired each others tattoos
I left after brunch with his friends.

You called me on the phone that night
You sounded so anxiously sad
I clamored and stood tall
By the volunteer table
Held onto skin of my own
As the night crept into the early hours
Of the morning song.

Soon in a few days time
I think it was
Right before the awards are handed out
And everyone is left to feel
A bit cheated, jaded
We sank like a ship
Clad in iron and a tight grip
A coral reef cast its net
Over the telescope
I told myself
To look at you through.

Chasing down a bottle of Smirnoff
I dreamed of her dancing, hair flowing
Away from me
And then gone.

Just a little bit like
The things that have unraveled
And I'll never be one to hold anybodies wings back
Because I've chosen my own.

My fears slide in like
A sleuth covered skeleton
I miss Philadelphia
I miss the simplicity
Even on my best days
It feels like a pock mark
In a sea of noise.

I'm always so quick to respond
Forever on the tip of my toes
I dozed into an oblivion
Warm covered in the sunshine
And got myself out of my obligation tonight
Because there aren't three of me

And sometimes I just wanna quietly simmer
And restore
Alone at home
At night.

Light pink walls
Head deeply entrenched in the clouds
Just had to be good at
Papers flying like blankets
Mark out all the boxes
Swept myself deep into an oblivion
Using charcoal
And a hunger for more.

Smoking on the fumes of incense
Some candles to witness
Little black table
A large room all my own
Little princess
Little queen
And now everyone's worried
Everyone's fighting
Is queen an insult to humanity?

Shoving recent drawings into drawers
Wrote a booked entitled "Hope"
Animation, lipstick gotten taken away
By a third grade teacher
I don't know when I'll ever be
Who I'm meant to be
I use to wonder and dance
Faintly
Twirling a baton
Haphazardly
Or shining a camcorder
Personifying
The light and plight
Of Presbyterian school days.

Painting with acrylics
Knocking on windows
Tight little mini skirts
Platinum long blonde hair
Eyelined eyes
Reaching
Forever reaching out

Reminding me of the moss and humidity.

Its so hard to remember
In times like these
Where everything is fought and countered against
The unity is dismantling
As the earth is warm and dying
And ain't nothin' I know to do
But kindly keep fighting.

It weighs heavy on my soul
As if theres no way to cover it all
Perceptions coinciding
No way to keep remembering
The silver lighting.

Perhaps it use to feel so much simpler
I could count the sincere support I feel
On one hand
And it makes me wonder if I shoulda
Just kept my mouth closed
Made art in a tin can
Allowed my mission to be smaller
Quieter
Pretended like I meant less
I can count on one hand
The sincere support I feel.

And yet I still open my eyes
Awake early and go to bed late
Not making any money these days
Trying to stretch an umbrella out
All encompassing
Its so hard to be all encompassing
I could count the sincere support on one hand.

I'm sure I'm probably wrong about that
But my mind is so worn down
From all the diminishing
And counter hatred
The dying world
Is taking on.

I don't understand
Why in the misted fleet
Of crickets whistling, humming
I'm petting the back of the white bird
As it crawls underneath my skin
A specimen to behold
Clad in red and black
I stretch my arms out wide
Fostering and seeking to nourish
What is here and what is not
Fighting tooth and nail
To constantly approach every interaction
With a 360 degree point of view
Why it seems to be so difficult for you
To see that I love your loyalty, your faith
But I need to be coddled and reassured at times
Because its just like
What feels like mere seconds ago
Where a hole was left next to my head
Or I was left alone in the middle of the night
Or told in the heat of my sequined dress
Crying all the way
"I ****** up."

I want to be an all around fantastical, amazing
Justice filled woman
I'm fighting to reach her
You hugged me in the most vulnerable of places
But yet I still seem to find myself
Lost in that rabbit hole
Of what I consider a triggering place
And with my detailed or large brush strokes
I try to paint all the ways
To make you see, I just need a little healing
A little extra lovin'
Even when your words
Come from grown experience
But I'm still your baby
I'm still fostering and nourishing
With you
Help me, help you.

Independence
Its a trait I know and hum into so well
Wanna make you happy
Wanna make me happy
Together or separate
I know you got that good coo coo
I know you got that strong lullaby
But help me, help you.

Don't wanna nag
Or slip into dreams
That remind me
Of my face cracked in half
I seldom share
The vivid dreams I have at night
With you
For fear of being misunderstood
Because they are rarely
Positive or good.

Can't you see I'm an immeasurable
Complicated and compassionate woman?
It makes my heart swell
When you do the little, big
Thoughtful acts
I know baby, you mean so well
Wanna give you all that freedom
So that we fly around
And back to one another
Always.

So help me, help you.

If you wanted to play
The game of remember when
I could take it
And repeat it
Using only egg whites
And orange slices
Only to discover
This may never get better.

I've read the pamphlet upside down
From side to side
And still continue to find myself
With semi open eyes
Not sure where, the tide rose
Between the hermit *****
That nestled and woke me
From a doe eyed slumber
To say, it was all meant to be
Incredibly challenging.

It's the victim hood
The beating yourself into a pseudo
Fake courage
Filled with paraphrased words
You took from the gutter
That artists before
Have worn like old scarves
Only to then sell them at a yard sale
For a penny or a whole dollar more.

I wrote on the walls
I encouraged you too as well
I've always been one to raise the moon.

It's why the fields are always left
A little dry from one side
Once I've built my log cabin
And decided
That the corn had turned rotten.

I wrote you some poems
Made some art too
Played your mama, your sister, your coach, your lover
Only to then
Grow past you too.

The confusing emotion
You drown yourself with it
I've heard you before
It's the victimization
And ruminating on the floor
The endless vent sessions
Where you remain idle
And frantic
For why I've gotta be brave enough
To shut my own door.

It's in the midnight oil
The forever pacing and building up
In the ticking of the rush
Of universally giving up
Any real form of control
But fearlessly and with
An inexplicable confidence
Sailing the ship.

It's the hours
That twiddle and twaddle by
The jetsetting and business card exchanging
The days where bras have no importance
And the inability to sleep at an early hour
When I reside alone
Wanes on.

It's in the plethora of emails
The rallying, the motion
That a Shakespeare teacher
Once told me I had a constant forward
Energy filled motion
About me

And it's in the handful of
Collected with stillness moments
Where the ship could still hum
The pacing has lessened
The questions are in the work
And bill at the end
Is addressed
To me and my
And all the she's
Who thought
They too
Might not.

Adrift in the epitome of paradise
Me and my
Man who has lived and experienced
So much life
And given so much
Energy and time
Into the years that keep swirling by.

Curtains cling to the panes of the window
I worry my face ages everyday
Trying to reaffirm, coach through
My moment to moment
We wanted to greet the sun early this morning
My eyes woke me up
Like the sun of the gun
I cut all my hair off
And yet at moments I still feel
Like I'll never be enough.

Pushing positivity and growth
Through the roof of the celeb traitors
That plot to clean their taxes
Ooze their money drip drop
Only at high capacity
That fills their blood
With iron
And a very high end ***.

Red ***
Red ***
I imagine the grittiest scenarios
The thump of a buttercup
Everything covered in me
My blood.

But I wake up breathing
Everyday
Fighting to be happy
To bring in copious amounts of light
And most days I do
If only for fleeting singular moments
Or like the wave of a storm
That I proudly and with gusto
Never drift from.

In the eye of the needle
The eye of the blast
Of air that circles and floods in deep
We make up, eat healthy food
Drank down bowls of kava
But it didn't sit quite right with me
A bitter and lingering taste
Loving me, protecting me
Into what I hope
Lasts as a forever together
Night.