Sometimes when I go to write
I think I have the words
And then they just go.

I know you didn't love me
I know you couldn't
I know you'd love not to care
And I allow myself to feel a growing acceptance
That I was already in a vulnerable place
It was never going to be us
It was never going to be you
It was never going to be you and I.

I had you painted in my head
As someone I never got to know
Secrets and deceit became your name
To keep me, lift me, trick me
And now I have to find some kind of
Forgiveness
Not for you
But for me.

A dragon resides on my arm
A unicorn among jewels, armor will soon
Too.

My hair grows long
My eyes become clearer
I fear life fleeting
I fear it being long and me never grasping it
I remember the times I elevated people into the unknown
And I remember the times I let people down
Into the unknown.

I remember being on the mountains of Arizona
And the Shaman who taught me the phrase
"I love and accept myself __"
I've been reminding myself of that moment
I've been feeling the effects of all the times
I went and spent time
To better get to know myself
To better love and adore
Myself.

I have signed myself up for so much
I want to feel free and on my own
My eyes are closing
I hope and look and inspiration comes forward
Whether I hunt it or no
I love and accept myself even though I feel lost
I love and accept myself even when I feel defeated
I love and accept myself when I'm disappointed
I love and accept myself.

There is a quiet answer
A solitude and reassurance
I look around at my things
At my life.

It is near bedtime
1AM calls near
And late into the night
An old lover pressed his body into mine
For what will likely be the last time.

I've discovered it does me no good
Or gives me any lasting pleasure
To entertain myself with whats right there
What is convenient
Difficult
And right there.

I see myself a bit more clearly than I did before
And I thank the pastel winds and stars
To better see myself
To better see my life.

The dollhouse
That I had found myself alone in
I tore out a wall
Got a new mailbox
Replaced the telephone
The beat up furniture
And made my life new again.

It's the weekend
My body, face, eyes
Are in a tired haze
I can feel that I need much rest
Much sleep
A lot of leisure.

I move things forward, I grow alongside
The roadside poppies
And the roses I painted a darker red
As a little girl
Fantasizing, always.

She wore red
Her phone baring a flame
It reminded me of the portrait
The portrait a dear friend painted
Where I'm holding fire
And I'm embracing it
Enjoying it.

I worry a lot about popularity
I feel concerned about people actually liking me
I feel tired and blissful
I feel afraid of what each moment might bring
I feel fear that I'm not exactly entirely
Where I'd like to be
All the time.

I opened my window today
My cat and I enjoy the warm hot
Summer breeze
I dreamed of nothing but
The past
Last night.

There are so many poems I could write
A deafening silence
Was all I heard from you
Just like before
And before and before
I think it is probably easier for you
To act like you don't know me
Don't see me
It was easier before I held a mirror up to your blue eyes.

It was easier for me too
I think.

But I held a mirror up
I faced one yesterday
My tired face
I'd been waiting
Without even knowing I was.

The air in Chicago feels tight
The insects that hum don't echo all around
The sun goes in and out
In a hazy can't quite tan you way
The concrete jungle
And the coach house I reside in
Aren't quite what I'd treasure
But whats the point in
Doting on the have nots.

We go on into what will in time be
Year 5
Sometimes I feel a streak of such boredom
Some things have changed
And so do I.

New playmate time
I think that would be good
But I can only give so much.

I tally off what my world looks like
I hide in the crevices of the fear of
Exhaustion
And yet feel beat down
By the lack of companionship
Fun even.

I try to rest
I try to find peace in the solitude I've chosen
And in the work focused relationships
I've painstakingly built
Among the brick
I've carefully woven
And set
All around the aisles
Of the Chicago winter, fall, spring,
Summer.

I forgive and release
The other lives I have lived
And realized I cannot reside perfectly
In them all at once
All the time
And there should not have to be any convincing
Any obtuse explaining
Any doubt
That my sincerity is genuine
And if a questionary evil haste
Is met my way
That I can just let it slip away
Even if I feel the urge to fight
Explain
Reach
Repeat
It is gone.

I know I can't and won't
Live here a whole lot longer
But I keep perspective
Time feels long.

I deleted a bunch of old
Stupid Instagram pictures
And wished I could hire someone
To rebrand me
Clean me up
Make me new again.

It is time for sleep now
Sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me
And I'm just inbetween therapists
Starting a new job
Feeding off of little pointed moments of
The fleeting validation
I get from scattered bits and pieces
In this deeply courageous
And at times deeply fulfilling
Also yet discomforting life
I've built around me
And mine.

Summer time
The time to work
The time to rest
The time to start again
And let go of the past.

It's been tough
You said, I said it would be tough

A silence grows like a garden
At times the feeling of wanting to break that silence
Grows deep
Among the roses
Among the carnations
Among the worms that see-saw
Through the brambles
And toil of the dirt
We dug up
Together
Maybe not.

Tomorrow is Monday
We play musical chairs
But its like some terrible farce
My hair grows longer
And I'm looking for noise
I'm looking for prisms and colors
Its almost like each day
I wake up and still can't get away.

Late at night
I wish that you
Any time
I wish that you would just
Reach, reach back out.

Nothing new to add
The garden grows with no water to drink
And I do my best to see you
What we had
Clearly and with the open eyes
I so claimed to have.

It all sorta makes sense now
And I'm sure if she and I compared notes
Which I will never ask to do
We'd find mutual devastation
And an ironic
And farcical
Loss.

But regardless of the pain that still lingers
And croons our name
Though we both think the other is out
Grimacing
I wish you would reach
And maintain that reach
All the while.