This mask
At one time
Was my identity

It had friends
It had secrets
It had power

Some liked it
Some cared for it
But none loved it

Some wanted it
Some believed it
Few had seen past it

So this mask...
Could've been happy
Except masks don't feel

but I did
I felt fake
but I let the mask win

yet the mask
Was just a mask
So why did it have such power

I didn't like it
I wanted to be real
but I was so scared

what if it hurts
what if they reject me
what if i'm alone

so i live behind a mask
hating every moment
wishing to be saved

yet they couldn't save me
because they didn't know me
finally I realized

I was my own worst enemy
so I removed the mask
and for the first time

I lived

is he worth it?
I barely know him
and yet...

no what am I thinking

my hearts just too damaged
it's been ripped out
torn apart and crushed

and by the same guys

so many times
and they're still too much part of my life
I can't just walk away

I tried so hard

I built an artillery around my heart
yet somehow
he still poked his head in

maybe I'm just a fool

but he seems so nice
sweet in a goofy way and so safe
he feels different from the others

and yet... so similar

they weren't always monsters
they seemed sweet
safe...

I was such a fool!

I believed they were kind
I believed I could trust them
I believed they liked me too

I gave them my heart

and watched as they destroyed it
they made me feel so helpless
convincing me it was love

and how can you fight love?

I know now it wasn't love
but what if he does the same
could my heart take it?

maybe he'll be different

but should i risk it
after everything
my heart is so fragile

I just want to believe I'm still strong

prove I can have a good guy
to myself
to those who hurt me

yet I have to wonder

maybe I'm just to hopeless
I should just do away with my useless heart
save myself the pain

is love worth it?

What am I to do?
When I can't trust

the one I might love
but I don't love

because I can't
because he doesn't
but I might

and in all I just don't know
and I just want to understand

how he feels
how I feel

how anyone can feel!
when thinking makes feeling so complicated!!!

I can't keep up
my mental capacity is failing
and all I can do is wish

wish I could talk to him

for real about reality
about what is going on
is anything going on!?

wish I could trust him

forget the past
better yet not have a past
just erase it all

wish I could understand him

he says he cares
yet how can he care
when all he does is hurt me

I'm so tired of you
acting like nothing happened
cause I just can't do that

you say we can be friends
like I should celebrate
like I can be happy again

well it doesn't work like that
you insulted me in every way
and I let you, but not anymore

I've learned to stand alone
I worked so hard
and you...

you walking around
with your hair grown out
like I always wanted

you giving me your evilly adorable smirk
knowing you make my heart skip
like I use to love

you cheering me on
like a friend
which I use to wish for on every star

but now I just want you gone
because I got run over following you
and I only make that mistake once

so listen for once
you don't get to decide
not any more

I'm stronger
push me
I'll push back

so stop the act
don't try to pretend like your a good guy
and we can be friends

Just because they don't know
doesn't mean it didn't happen
you made this mistake and it's permanent

because I won't forget
I can't forgive
it's just too much

so you can say what you want
but don't pretend your my friend
because you never even said I'm sorry

and NO
your texts don't count
they never did

so stop talking cause all I hear is crap
excuses piling on top of each other
not one word being an apology

so when you really care
look me in the eye and just say
I'm sorry

until than
when you see me
just walk away

You see me
I know you do
you act like you can see through me
Yet I know you can't
I wish I knew why you act like this
Will you ever tell me why
Is it my fault?
Do I make it hard?
Could I make it be simple?
I try to understand
but I just can't seem too
I want to be your friend
You want to be mine
Or atleast thats what you say
Yet you go mute
when I walk into a room
Like your words are too good for my ears
Yet I don't think that's it
It could be
But for a second
When I see your eyes
Fear flickers through
you may deny but I know what I see
and I see it only too often
I wonder who else notices
Who knows to look for it
Maybe just me
But trust me its there
Maybe its the same when you see me
Is it?
Do we fear each other?
Can anyone tell?
Will it always be secret?
It began wrong
But its not that way anymore
Atleast that's what you promised
So why can't they know
Or maybe its just easier to dissapear that way
Though if you just want to dissapear again
Just do it
You know waiting just hurts me
And I'm tired of hurting
So I hope you don't run
But I hope you will help me
to Understand
If your not ashamed of me
Why am I a secret?

I can act like I'm fine
it's so easy
throw around meaningless words
just say what they want to hear

than I see you
my heart tightens
I can't breathe
I want to run

you stand there
I can't even hold your gaze
so I look around you
anything to focus on

because if our eyes meet
you'll see through me
how your name is permanently stuck in my head
and I torture myself trying to get it out

my hands grasp air
as if searching
for something
anything to hold me up

I can't stop scanning your friends
their faces looking for a grin a snicker
did you tell them
did you sit around joking about me?

Do they all know?
have you convinced them I'm stalking you
told them my secrets
laugh at how I trusted you

I'm still smiling
my mask holds up
refusing to crack
though inside I'm crushed

I won't let you win
I'll always stand strong
even if its all a lie
I'll always smile

I can't let you win
you can't have that satisfaction
if I have hold on to it
into my coffin

As you look away
and I can breathe again
As you walk away
and I can move again

and once again
my world is mine

don't act like your sorry
like you don't know what your doing
like I have the same amount of blame
and yet I do
I kept letting you talk
your words like a spell
the longer I listen
the less I can focus
and it's like a lure
and before I know it
I'm trapped
you give me that innocent look
like you didn't know
like its a coincidence we don't talk until late
and you know when I'm getting tired
when I'm paying attention less
I try to concentrate
but I find I'm losing my way
longer and longer
the more I don't want to say no
the more I con't keep it up
like if just for a second I could trust you
let you in
No! I have to catch myself
your the predator
luring in your prey
but soon
I won't stop
I'll walk to close to the edge
and it'll look so easy
you look so sweet
I just want to let go
and you know all my short cuts
how long can I hold out
when you always know
what to say
when to say it
how to say it
and all I know is it'd be so easy
and this is so hard
and maybe you have changed...

One Prince Charming to the next
people say they're so hard to find
and yet I seem to attract them

my first worked so hard to get his crown
making sure everyone loved him... every single person
once I hindered that I was abandoned... a lost cause in his mind

he was so kind
but I didn't have his endurance
I couldn't keep up the facade of caring for so many faceless opinions

so the next was the best kept secret I believe ever kept
everyone loved him while I stayed in the shadows
I liked the shadows but after awhile you wonder how he can lie so easily

I don't believe he ever lied to me
but he couldn't see far enough into the future
his life of lies would fall and I didn't want to be caught up in the destruction

the third had the word of mouth
his words were more beautiful than any poem I could ever write
and he always had everyone's full attention

yet as the relationship went
I began to hear what his words were really saying
and they just weren't so beautiful anymore

so after 3 prince Charmings
I began to feel for the princesses
its just so hard

so if I were to pick the most realistic
it be Sleeping Beauty 100 years of sleep
because with a prince everything is draining

honestly Cinderella
I'd rather stay locked in my room
with a pumpkin and some converse

than a carriage and glass shoes
living in a fake smile
with a million eyes constantly on you

so I've decided
I want a boy who'd rather I like him
than make a million strangers like him

and I know how selfish that must be
its childish and immature
but honestly I just don't care anymore

take me or leave me
but know one thing
I'm no princess

smile
breathe
laugh

hear his voice
try not to look in that direction
hear him talking with friends

he's laughing, joking, having fun
wonder why he can't be like that when I'm around
wishing I was over there

try not to think of him
fail
his name finds it's way into all my thoughts

wonder if he sees me?
wonder if he likes what I'm wearing?
wonder if he knows he's why I'm wearing it?

trying to get his attention
trying to make him come over
trying to make him speak

he walks in front of me
my heart spikes
he looks at me

I freeze
I'm a deer and his eyes are my headlights
intensely burning into me

and for a second
I truly think he's going to run me over
I look away regret shooting me like a hunter's bullet

wishing I'd spoken
wishing I'd smiled
wishing I'd done anything else

I look back
I take a deep breath
and swallow my heart

"wheres Matt?"
I ask forcing him to look
our eyes meet

his fill with fear
as if he'd rather die than speak to me
I snap in a different last name

looking away but not fast enough
still seeing relief flicker through him
I walk towards the one I named 'accidentally' knocking into him

I didn't look back
I heard his friend ask "whats with her?"
I cringe at his reply "why should I know?"

I dig my nails into my arm
I bite my lip
and fight every instinct to turn around

hoping he didn't see my anger
yet at the same time
hoping he did

wishing he'd just spoken to me
ending the act
we could be normal friends

no more complications
no more secrecy
no more excuses

I text him everyday asking if we can ever be normal friends
he replies we already are
I send a smiley face

In the end it's simple
he's a liar
and I'm a fool

time goes by so fast
when your happy

yet seems to pause
as you fall

I remember when you were nothing
but a guy in my math class

than you texted
and I replied

and ever sense
one bad decision after another

but do all bad decisions
have to be mistakes

because you don't hurt
and mistakes hurt

and I know your scared
so am I

maybe because we know secrets about each other
yet we don't trust each other

so we wonder
why we told them

and we don't know
what do we know

I know I love him
you know you love her

yet we risk it
and I don't know why

and I want to ask
but I'm too scared

because if you say something
if you feel something

I'm not sure
of my answer

I use too
but I was naive

it was in the blur
the time when she stepped in

I held my breath
as I stepped back for her

you didn't notice
and after awhile I didn't mind

and I never thought of you
as I kissed him

and he makes me happy
while you just make me smile

and overtime
I've learned smile's lie

so please don't have feelings
because losing you would hurt

don't make it hurt
we've both made mistakes

don't become one
don't become mine

a bad decision
isn't a mistake

until it hurts
please don't hurt me. Please.

you became my friend
the kind i can talk to forever and not be bored
you became my boyfriend
and it was good...great...awesome...not great...bad...
so you became my ex-boyfriend (but we'd stay friends)
except that's just what people say... me trying to be your friend (which in your mind means me pursuing you)
so you become my ex-friend
now I wish I'd never met you

Alfred Lord Tennyson said "tis better have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"
Maybe it's because we only reached like
but I'd rather have never liked or known you
than have lost you as a friend

You lit a match
You let it burn
You watched

You saw me
You thought I'd run when I saw
But thats not who I am

For I know fires
They consume all
Just burning until theres nothing left

I saw it was wrong
Foolishly believing I could stop it
Instead I burned

I felt the pain
every flame burning my skin
ash filling my lungs

I'm not an idiot
I knew it was wrong
I tried to help

But you couldn't let me
You couldn't trust me
Not now I'd tell everyone

You knew you had hurt me
You thought I was petty like you
So you acted like you didn't see

You ignored me as I burned
In the fire you started
Than convinced yourself it was my fault

This must be my fault
For you lit the match
But I believed I could stop the fire

Than when the fire burned out
I did the impossible
I came back

I was covered in scars
That only you could see
You trued to looked away

I could still see the fear in your eyes
She'll tell everyone is all you could think
Though in reality

As you feared my every word
I did something you can't even understand
I forgave you

For I know for the rest of your life
You'll be starting fires
Until your fire has consumed everything

I just wish you had let me help
But how can you trust me
Because you can't trust yourself

I wanna be sure
everyone tells me I'm right
and deep down I know I am

yet I did love him
once
some time ago

and I believed he loved me too
at some point
he had to... Right?

if I ask I know what he'll say
I always did or I'll always love you
he loves those stereotypical answers

but sometimes I think back
to when we met all those years ago
its funny us so young supposedly had a love so old

or thats what I want to believe
sometimes I think thats why I stayed
because the idea of us was so romantic

I wanted it to be real
I thought if I wanted it enough
I could make it happen

our relationship only worked
if we had our own hidden reality
where we could sneak away

there we looked at the stars
and he didn't explain to me about how the stars are just explosions
he just let me see there beauty like he knows I like

he didn't press me to retain unwanted knowledge
letting me lay there happy with beautiful lights in the sky
letting me live in my innocence bliss

as we grew older
more things happened under the stars
yet not everything he wanted

that's when I started questioning
and when I realized how many secrets
we both kept

and when he was honest
the beauty of everything
shattered into pieces

once my innocence about it all was lost
and though I tried to maintain it
with it went the bliss

and I began to question everything
yet the one I wanted answered most
I never could ask

because those were the ones that would **** it all
and I realized I wasn't happy
and I left to your protest

yet I still never got an answer
but not because of fear of asking
but more because I wouldn't trust your answer

now after so long I see
all my time wasted
and your memories haunting me

this process of forgetting
its just so painstakingly slow
I just want to erase it all

I can't keep this up
I just want you to disappear
because thinking of you hurts so much

thinking of the lies
how you played me for a fool
why I couldn't see what you were becoming

and that burning question still pestering my thoughts
why does it even matter anymore
I'm done I shouldn't care

but I'd be lying to say I didn't
and your the only one who could answer
but is there any way I could trust your answer

maybe writing it down will keep it out of my nightmares
Did you ever truly care about me? or was it all just one big lie?
was I just the stupid blonde girl you thought would be easy?

I know you'd say no
but wouldn't you say no to all those other girls too. how many of us are just lies
I wanna believe I was different. but was i? really?

will I ever know
or will this always haunt me?

When black starts looking grayer
When white is a blur
When all smiles feel forced
When pain makes me happy

This is when love kills
When hearts fall open

The merciful will just break them
The cruel will just play with them

The merciful will see your tears
They will walk away
They will let your hate burn the love away
They will let you move on
They will let you find the one who can heal your heart

The cruel will never see your tears
They will stay
They will stab at your heart and watch it bleed
They will trap you
They will set bombs to go off on your escape

I have fought love
I have lost
I have been punished

For the one who heals my heart
Is the cruelest

He heals
Unknowingly hurting the thing he saves
Unknowingly killing my soul

Def to my cries
Def to my screams
Def to my pleading

I've fallen for the cruelest of them
and I will never be free

I saw him take my heart and did nothing
He bled me dry and I stood by and watched

Now there is nothing I can do
But sit and hope

For there is no moving on
Not any more

When you give your heart to the cruel
All you can do is watch them abuse it

When love causes so much pain
You begin to hate love

When falling in love means falling and never hitting ground?
Constantly fearing the ground
Until the anticipation is worse than the ground could ever be

When I hate myself for loving one who just hurts me?
I can't stop loving him

I  can't have others
For once you've loved someone so purely
Only they can set you free

What is there to do?
but wait for death to take you?

I was hooked on you
Talked to you every day

I cared about you
But you didn't even know my name

I didn't care you were like a drug
You were my addiction

I convinced myself I needed you
Thinking about you everyday

I lied to my friends
Made fake promises to be done

I ignored my friends warnings against you
I claimed I was in control

I never was though

I would do anything to keep you
Keep you coming back

And then one day I realized
I don't need you

I don't need to watch my phone
Only to be upset the text isn't from you
Or when it is to rack my brain on the perfect reply
Just to have you say lol

I don't need to see you with her
How you would bring her flowers just cause
You said you loved her
Though if you did why did you need me?

I don't need to think of ways to see you throughout the day
Just in hopes you'll see me and say hi
Just once
You never did

So call this my rehab
I'm done with you

the cuts on my arms
no one asks
because no one sees
because no one wants to see

the bruises on my legs
no one askes
because no one sees
because no one wants to see

the red stains of fallen tears on my cheeks
no one asks
because no one sees
because no one wants to see

They want to see cat scratches
They want to believe I fell
They want my lies

They want to see a fake smile
They want to hear a fake truth
They want a fake girl

I can't stand it
you don't even know
how insane your making me
or do you?

how I watch you
out of the corner of my eye
waiting... hoping

not for a reunion
no don't get any ideas
I'm done with you
but I just... I need

to yell
scream
call you out

you messed up
did you know that?
YOU ******* up

but you don't talk to me
you avoid looking in my direction
like you can't stand the guilt
your too ashamed of me

I just want you to try..
something
anything

I just can't stand it
You messed up! Not me
but don't I get something
while you got everything

you never even said sorry
and I just want to know you feel bad
that you have a conscience

just once could you
please
just say sorry

sorry I was a ****
sorry I hurt you
sorry I ignored you
sorry I was wrong

I have feelings
this didn't just affect you
is it that hard to remember

I just wanna know you felt something
anything
that I meant something to you

I don't want you anymore
I can't do that again
but I wanna know you have a heart
because you broke mine

so yes I do watch you from the corner of my eye
hoping you'll say something
anything

you see me
my eyes dart away
my heart races
fear? panic? hatred? sorrow? regret?
I'm not sure
you knew me entirely
yet your heart was caged
you'll tell me she got in
yet if she did why isn't she enough?
why can't you be around me?
you blame it all on me
like I'll force your hand
when I can't even move my own
you say I made the first move
I'd laugh bacause your game is solitaire
and I was just another card
you threw me around
losing pieces in the process
your eyes cold as ice
you look away
I wonder if you hear
my heart shattering as you do

The tears poor down my cheeks
Like waterfalls from soft white cliffs
I start to wonder how It came to this
I was just trying to end the fighting

I started out just taking the blame
They knew it wasn't my fault
Because she was there to hold me back
Now I'm lost

My friends don't want to hurt me
But they can't seem to stop
Not understanding the pressure building up behind my eyes
With their words like daggers stabbing into my sides

I try so hard to just take the pain
As they stab me
I should just smile as the blood starts pouring out
I deserve it

I have to act like I'm okay
shes not here to stop me
and I just can't stop myself
I just want to help

Then their words sink in
They can't all be wrong
What if it is my fault?
What if everything is?

Then why fight it?
You know how it ends
Your always guilty
Just stop fighting it

Maybe I am just wrong
I must have some defect in my personality
Maybe its always been this way
I just had to lose her to see it

And now I know, I'm the defect
And  I'm breaking down
I try to run
But there's nowhere to go

I start to collapse
Tears streaming
Throat hurting
Voice cracking

My legs start to crumble
As I fall I know its my fault
It always is
I deserve it

I search through the tears
Rolling down my bruised cheeks
Blood stained knives sticking out of me
As I lay there in the darkness

All I can choke out
As the blood starts pooling
World turning black
"I'm sorry"

I walk aimlessly around
waiting serching for someone whos not there

I feel alone in a crowd
none of these people are her

Shes suppose to be here
shes suppose to be smiling laughing and telling me stories

she was my best friend
now I walk half gone

I'm like a balloon
tied to her my rock keeping me grounded

than out of nowhere I'm cut
I have no anchor

lost only a needle away from falling apart
I lost my rock

she held me together
she kept me safe

and I will never see her again
and all I know is

Its not suppose to be this way

"Its not fair" I scream in vain
"Whoever said life was fair?" is always the reply
But this isn't just unfair its cruel
Doesn't anyone care?

Why'd they have to go like that
In the dark
Too young
And all alone

No one there
To see her last breathe
Hear his scream
Like a horrible dream

They were so young
They did nothing wrong
Yet they died all the same
Taken almost as fast as they came

people say life goes on
well they're right
but sometimes
you need to pause

when your not old enough to drive
yet life forces you to look into the casket
and let the last hope die

looking into her lifeless eyes
knowing she's not looking back
her flawless face that never needed make up
painted and covered

when you look at a corpse
and see your best friends face
and you see all the years she deserved
and all the years she'd never get

when you go to church every week
yet you can't stay away
because you know he's there in the garden

the beautiful old garden that use to be so pretty
now haunted by his remains

just dust
in a box
in a wall
in a garden
when he should be playing football
smiling like a fool
head over heels in love with your best friend

when you see two mothers

one who lost one of her four children
who is forced to explain to two young sons
how they're 15 year old sister died

one who lost her only son
who lost her everything
trying to find meaning in a dark cruel world

to have to live with yourself

knowing
you saw her that day
and didn't talk to her
thinking you'd see her Monday

no I couldn't have known
no I could't have done anything
but that doesn't make me feel better

life won't pause but people should
because if you don't
you'll regret it

People wish they could do this
Be invisible
But people don't understand
I'm not invisible
I'm see through

People ignore me
Insult me
Like I'm not even there
Am I?
Does it ever matter?

I'm not worth it
So hurt me
Stab me
Make me cry
Who cares?

I'm just background
Put here as filler
Not worth anything
Just here to stand by
Watch the masses

I have no magic power
I just don't matter

Maybe its too crazy, for this to work
Maybe we're just grasping at straws
Maybe I should have given in long ago
Maybe I should walk away

Finally listen to my brain
It's always been the obvious answer
but when I try
my feet feel cemented down

This repetition is horrible
but it seems to be never ending
and yet... when I had the chance
I couldn't end it

Did you know?
I have love
I have freedom
I have it all... Or so I thought

Than came you
I'm not even sure what this is
this feeling for you
is there a word

It's not love
yet its so much more than some teen crush
and yet so much less
now filled with curiosity

Maybe Its something new entirely
maybe its just my need to rebel
maybe the hot intimacy of the secrecy
yet I find myself unable to let it go

you say we can go back to being friends
you know your lying
Yet sometimes I wish
we stayed just friends

I know it be totally different
yet maybe when we talk
I wouldn't always be in fear
of your next attempt to end it

I miss it
when you trusted me
and I trusted you
and neither felt guilty about it

but there's no going back
and there's absolutely no going forward
there's just here and now
you and me

I wanna scream
I wanna yell
I wanna shout

I KNOW!
I know what your doing
I've known for a long time... maybe too long

your using me
until she gets back
and shes back... but I just can't

I don't have the guts
to burn it down
your a bridge I just can't let go of

It hurts... I think it hurts you too
I mean you never say anything
just run away until I get the point

well it kills me
because I want to be more
more than just some skeleton in your closet

thats all I ever wanted
just to be something... that you can't erase
with just a delete button on your phone

it isn't that much... is it
I mean I thought we were friends
almost 3 years... I thought it meant a little bit more

or was it all just a lie
maybe... I have been tricked
maybe I was always just an object

maybe you were right
I'm just a stupid little girl
easily manipulated

No your not... not this time
so i may have fallen for a part that you've played to perfection
but so has everyone else

but having to sit there
acting oblivious
like I didn't know you'd disappear when she came along

I tried to cope
knowing you'd leave
believing I didn't care

I tried to be as cold as you
slither away
spineless and heartless

but you hurt me
because I stupidly believed maybe... this time... he means it
when inside I know you never did

do you even know how to be honest
you said over and over we could be just friends
nothing more

and each time you never gave even one apology
as you went back on your word so many times
maybe because I never ask for one

I never ask you to do anything
maybe because I know the answer
and knowledge can be a slow spreading deadly virus

but it just made it so much worse
because when it happened
it was my fault for letting it go on so long

I just believed we could be friends
but obviously I was wrong
I was never your friend

I couldn't be
because too you
I was nothing but a pretty little object

I feel the wind against my face
sweat dripping from my chin
hearing every twig snap around me

legs aching with every step
but I can't stop
just push a bit further

the next tree
than the next
they all start blurring

I know it hurts
but I can't stop now
I know stopping I'll just drop

I can't
not now
just keep moving

than I hear it
the voice that haunts my nightmares
it sounds nice but I know the truth

I just can't
not today
not any day

I start sprinting and I can't stop
like my legs have minds of their own
nothing matters any more

I just have to get away
away from him
I want to cry

though I don't know why
and some little part of me
wants to go back

I just want to cause him pain
I ran until my legs fell out from out under me
and hit the ground hard

I just buried my face into my hands
and try to breathe
and force myself to stagger up

than I got up and started again
to the ends of the world I will run
to keep you away from me

because when I see you
I just want to scream
my heart speeds up while breaking

I can't breathe
I can't think
I just can't do it anymore

so I may not be able to hide
but I'll always be able to run
and run I will

shut up
before I shut it for you

stop acting like I'm weak
just cause I don't dress like a *****

I know your mad
you blame me for it all

well news flash your not his type
and that's not my fault

don't call me out with crap
you don't know anything about

don't act tough cause your hair is blue and your clothes are black
cause I don't care what you drink or smoke and especially not who you do

you think you can scare me
well maybe you should step back

cause I'm not your everyday good girl
I can fight and I wouldn't be here if I couldn't take a punch

I don't care about your issues
cause I've got my own that would blow yours out the water

so don't poke me with your bony little finger
cause I may just snap it off

don't act like you know everything
when you ain't even know my name

and yes my friends will fight for me
because I do the same for them

so go with your little sad self and face it
he doesn't like you

don't hate me cause he likes me
don't go around convincing people I'm crazy

because I can walk away
taking him with me

so deal, me and him are inseparable
you and him are nothing

and that's not my fault
stop pretending like it is

I met him first
we have history

we love each other in a way you don't understand
and you never will

so accept it your just passing by
so bye *****

I won't miss you
and that is your fault

I see you as you walk the halls

If you only knew
How my heart skips seeing you
Would you care?

If you only knew
How my heart drops seeing her with you
Would you care?

How you hold her
How you love her
How I wish I was her

If you knew how I felt
When everyone talks about you two
How your the best couple

I laugh to myself
For I know the truth
No one would even guess I knew you

Yet I do so very well
So intimately
Such secrets have passed my lips only to your ears

Yet I missed my chance
Did I ever really have one?
Were you ever serious?
Did you just use me cause you could?

If you only knew how the questions ramble on
Each more torturous to think about
Why does he need me when he has her?
Does he need me?
Did he ever have feelings for me?

If you only knew
I love you
would you care?

I know its stupid
I always do

most mistakes
it's like I already know

like I take some kind of joy out of ******* up my life
I believe they're necessary mistakes

I mean it's gonna happen sooner or later
right?

yet this may not be a ***** up
this could ruin it all

I've seen it happen
too many times

but maybe I'm different
it could all work out

but what if it doesn't
am I willing to risk it?

once you do it
there are no take backs

it's not suppose to be like this
it's too soon
it's too easy
it can't be real
and yet... it somehow is

it's a fairy tale
but i can't trust it
and I'm ******* it up

we met as children
how was I to know
you were just a cute guy across the table
but you saw me when I wasn't much to see
perfect first love

than camp ended
and I saw the reality of it
and made a decision to stay your friend

we grew up
yet not apart
and everyday it got harder
until finally we admitted
we were still in love with our first loves

yet I held back
how could I move forward
when there was so much to lose

I love you
you love me
but it was too perfect
how could I trust prince charming
when I don't feel like a princess

and every step of the way
I've ******* up
and you've looked past it

prince charming?
7 years
I still can't trust it
and for some reason
you still love me

this feeling
overwhelming me
like a compulsion
it's so very random
sometimes a moment
sometimes for hours
I wonder if it's a part of me
or controlling me
sometimes I drop everything
ignore friends texts and calls
its like no other feeling
a high I can't buy anywhere
I can't even try to control it
sometimes it leaves for weeks
just to hit me for a minute
this feeling is like no other
when my words turn into something
that's just for me and no one else
if its a new love
or my heart smeared on paper
when I was so low I saw no up
it reached out for me
and it didn't pull me up
but showed me how to pull myself up
It showed me I can feel without falling
and I feel stronger just knowing i have it
like a hidden diary
with it I can breathe again
and no one can take it from me

I want to have you hold me
Like you never want me to leave


Pull me in close
Until I can hear your hear beating


I just... want to be loved
By a boy


I want to feel confident
That your looking at me


That someone. anyone
is looking at me


I just want someone to dance with
When everyone is watching


Even though I step on your toes
You'll pretend like you don't feel anything

Someone who will understand
When I can't get my words out just right


Someone who will laugh
Even when I ***** up the joke


Someone who will chase me 
When I run

And maybe
Convince me to stop running


I wonder if u exist
If your just made up 


Some perfection I'm chasing
With no actual hope of ever finding


I just grasp at what I hope to be you
And always seem to come up so wrong

I see a million faces
All going a million miles an hour
With a million things to do

I hear a million conversations
With a million different voices
And a million words to say

I see a man with a million dollar watch
Yet twenty dollars and twenty minutes later
I see he has five million more

I look up to see a million signs
Millions of flashing colors and words
With a million eyes just passing them by

I see a million I heart NYC shirts
And a million cameras pointed in every direction
All flashing five million times

New York City must be amazing
I mean not many cities can say
They’re a city of millionaires

I'm not blind
I see what your doing
I always have
Do you know how much it hurts me?
No... you wouldn't
It's not like you ask
Though to ask you'd have to care I'm hurt
How my heart tears up inside with every word
How it hurts so much inside
Sometimes I have to make it hurt outside
But you don't care
And that hurts most of all
So yes I know what your doing
Ur keeping me happy
But you'll disappear next year
How can I blame you
It's not your fault your leaving
That was always your escape right?
you thought I didn't see
you honestly thought I was still so naive
you thought if you could keep me under your thumb
your ***** little secrets would be kept
Because that's what you care about
But your thumb is crushing me
Soon what will be left of me
Nothing.
But I'm not something you care about
So I don't matter
Who would really care if you crushed me?
So does it hurt at all to know
I figured out your little plan
And I pretended not to hoping I was wrong
Hoping I could change your mind
I could be worth your care
But I know it'll never happen
But I'll be never know why
And that's what hurts the most
Knowing I can care about someone
Who is just using me
And I know it but I can't stop
I should tell your secret
I should make you suffer the consequences of your own actions
Finally show you how much wrong you do
Yet I look at you
And I just can't hurt you

I love you
right?
of course

you love me
you tell me all the time
how amazing I am

and I love you
with my whole heart
well... most of it

your everything a girl wants
my friends all say go for it
why don't I?

I love you
its obvious
isn't it?

sometimes...
very few
like never

I think maybe...
I'm your fairy tale
perfect ending that is always an option

you think I'm perfect
but what if I don't live up to the hype?
what if all we are is hype?

whats wrong with me?
your perfect right?
you think I'm amazing

yet when your biggest problems are so trivial
I wonder
maybe your too innocent

I've matured beyond my years
and maybe I'm just starting to see
past the disguise of perfection

Maybe you are pefect
but I'm starting to realize
I may not want perfection

I don't want to hurt you
but the lies are starting to hurt
my voice feeling faker with each I love you

I hope you understand
I think your a great dream
but I need reality

As I step into place
Whether surrounded by others
Or just one other
I’m alone

As the gun shoots
I start
Like an out of body experience
My feet aren’t mine

I’m not even me
As I’m floating above this ******* auto pilot
And from above all seems clear
For one split second

Then I’m back
Moving
In the direction they tell me to run
At the speed they tell me is best

And yet I feel so free
And when I want to speed up
When I want to sprint ahead
Leave all else in the dust

It’s just a question of endurance
And honestly I feel like I can endure anything
Actually I feel like I have
Like I’ve endured everything

I know I haven’t there’s more pain to come
Speeding up just wears you out faster
But with that ******* my heels
I just can’t let her catch up
As she gets closer
I remember
All the things I want to forget
All the things I’m running against

And a surge of energy
Whips through me
Full of emotions
And exploding with power

The hatred for the boy with no heart
The sorrow for the friend who will never see me run
The anxiety I’m not ready for the future
The fear I’m not good enough

So as I run far from sight from the girl behind
As I pass the finish line
And want to fall from exhaustion
I feel happy

But what do I do
When I can’t keep running?
When I’m not fast enough?
When the girl catches up?

Did you know?
Your the monster

In my closet
Under my bed

That I see in the corner of my eye
That makes me jump at shadows

You think I'm nervous
That I still like you

Your kidding yourself
Your a monster

You devour souls
You crush spirits

You hurt me in every way
Yet you won't go away

Why?
Is it fun?

To destroy people
To see them suffer

To watch the tears
As they spill out

And know its because of you
Is it fun?

You think your amazing
But to me

Your the ten tentacled sharp toothed monster
That haunted my dreams when I was little

Except your real
And I don't wake up from this nightmare

What is this

When its just me and you
Everything feels right

Yet when the world walks in
I ***** it all up

People ask questions
I give all the wrong answers

Nothing I do is right
And you didn't help

Things were said
Things were done

My heart shattered
I felt like everything had

But when everything was said and done
We find we still care for each other

And I just want to fall back in your arms
But are your arms still open

Nothing feels the same
You feel closed off

I think I know why
I fear you can't see

You saw me at my worst
And you don't remember anything else

Now life is taking a toll
and I think I see the end of the road

I'm not invisible
I walk
I breathe
I talk

Yes i gave you up
But you didn't honestly think I'd disappear

I'm not some timid little girl

Talk down to me
I'll knock you down

Look down on me
I'll show you how amazing I look

Push me
I'll push back

Try to apologize
I'll ignore you

because I don't care
because I'm done letting you walk all over me

I've picked myself up
and I'm better without you

and if you make me
I'll prove it

because I still exist

I'm so broken
No one can help me

so I hide
in a cage of memories
there is no key
for I don't want to escape

if I stay, maybe...
I won't feel that pain again
I won't feel so alone
I won't feel so beyond repair
I can't... not again

so I stay trapped
seeing everything through memories

people see a building
I see the last place I saw her

people see a desk
I see the place we discussed boys

people see a girl died
they feel bad for a moment
I see my best friend died
I fall apart forever

I'm sorry
really I am
this is all my fault

and I let you get caught up in it
and you don't understand
because I just can't explain

I liked you
I really did
but I didn't know what to do

Its never been like this
I don't know anything about you
and I thought I couldn't have you

I wish I could've just pushed away all my worries
just let them work themselves out
but things don't tend to work themselves out for me

and I got scared
and I still liked you
and it just got so confusing

so I did some stupid stuff
and said the wrong things
I let you get mad. practically chased you away

I just wish I could explain
so you didn't have to hate me
because I miss you

I miss how you made me feel
how you made me laugh like no one else has
how I wasn't thinking about anyone else when I was with you

but now that's all gone
and I can feel your eyes burn into me whenever your around
your words coming so few and only enough to get away from me

we're forced to hide in opposite corners of an empty room
because you don't want to see me
because seeing you kills me inside

and the whole time we're hiding
I want to look and see if you're still there
and all I want to do is apologize

but I don't know how
and what if you forgive me?
what if we start it all over again

and i ***** it all up again
I just can't keep hurting you
so I'm sorry... but you'll never know it

they throw me in the arena
they want to watch
always cheering for my opponent
they say I like it
like its fun for me
to be booed at
backed into a corner
insulted for speaking at all
I just want to run
but there is no escape
this game is killing me
but they seem to love it
watching me suffer
How can they not see?
that knowing they won't listen
makes every word like a knife stabbing my throat
every word hurts worse than the last
until I just can't keep fighting

I'm living in a def world
and all I want is to be heard

even if you don't care
even if you never did
just talk to me
no excuse
no new starts
no one last times
just let it end
let me go
like we should have a long time ago

I run
the wind hitting my face
the feel of the gravel under my feet
the thrill of the chase

but what is chasing me
friends who want my time
grades that never end
choices for a future years away

its closing in on me
if I stand still I'm trapped
so I run away
as far away as I can

until the world is a blur
and I fall into the black hole

all I hear ever
screaming louder and louder
so I scream back
they all turn on me
I feel cornered

I can't run
nowhere to go
I cling to my one space
but they take it away
consuming it in their fighting

I try to drown it out
but it never ends
someone is always mad at someone
they don't care if it hurts me
and they know it does

I try to ask for help
but they just keep screaming
I run and hide
but nowheres safe
it never stops the yelling and threats

my only escape
is the pain
the cold metal on my skin
as I press it in
the sting as I watch the blood pour out

I don't regret ending it
You were a ****

I'm still so mad at you
So why doesn't the hatred erase everything else

It did for you
When I was falling

You smiled
like I was some stranger

But when you fell
I jumped up

And every instinct...
told me to help you

I held my breathe
But I still struggled not to call out

My heart bottomed out
I just felt lost

I wanted to talk to you
Say... Something... I don't know

Maybe because nothing could be said
Your still a ****

Yet it still hurts to know
she'll comfort you

And though I won't admit it
A small part of me wishes

you'd come over hug me say sorry
that you still care about me

So yes I wish we'd been a happy ending
But it just wasn't meant to be

And maybe I'm stupid
But its so hard to act like everything I ever felt just washed away

It's just so hard to hate someone
You still care about