you became my friend
the kind i can talk to forever and not be bored
you became my boyfriend
and it was good...great...awesome...not great...bad...
so you became my ex-boyfriend (but we'd stay friends)
except that's just what people say... me trying to be your friend (which in your mind means me pursuing you)
so you become my ex-friend
now I wish I'd never met you

Alfred Lord Tennyson said "tis better have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"
Maybe it's because we only reached like
but I'd rather have never liked or known you
than have lost you as a friend

i don't want to
i don't really remember how
it's been so long
can't i just not

if i just stay behind my walls
where no one can hurt me
where he can't hurt me
where I'm safe

this is where I like to be
and if you really don't want to hurt me
than don't ask me to feel
because when I feel all I feel is pain

If I could tell you anything
I would tell you everything

I'd tell you I want you to be happy
but I'm trying to be happy myself

that I'm not avoiding you
just trying not to get hurt again

how I hate hearing how sweet and awesome you are
because I just want to tell them "I KNOW"

How I've known since we were twelve
when you bought me that snickers bar at the dance

I miss you than
when you let me know how you feel

and why you felt that way
now I can't even comprehend you

it's like your on another level
and you won't deign to give me a hand up

I miss it when you didn't hide your feelings
and make me feel awful for having any at all

I wish I could walk up to you
and tell you all these things

but you'd call me immature
and laugh at me

you'd say I'm being childish
tell me how I need to grow up

because I'm in love with who you use to be
and you're in love with who you could make me

but you'll never be him again
and I can never be her ever

But I'll always miss you
I wish you could just understand

As I step into place
Whether surrounded by others
Or just one other
I’m alone

As the gun shoots
I start
Like an out of body experience
My feet aren’t mine

I’m not even me
As I’m floating above this ******* auto pilot
And from above all seems clear
For one split second

Then I’m back
Moving
In the direction they tell me to run
At the speed they tell me is best

And yet I feel so free
And when I want to speed up
When I want to sprint ahead
Leave all else in the dust

It’s just a question of endurance
And honestly I feel like I can endure anything
Actually I feel like I have
Like I’ve endured everything

I know I haven’t there’s more pain to come
Speeding up just wears you out faster
But with that ******* my heels
I just can’t let her catch up
As she gets closer
I remember
All the things I want to forget
All the things I’m running against

And a surge of energy
Whips through me
Full of emotions
And exploding with power

The hatred for the boy with no heart
The sorrow for the friend who will never see me run
The anxiety I’m not ready for the future
The fear I’m not good enough

So as I run far from sight from the girl behind
As I pass the finish line
And want to fall from exhaustion
I feel happy

But what do I do
When I can’t keep running?
When I’m not fast enough?
When the girl catches up?

What does it take to make you go away?
It shouldn't be this hard
You’re just like every other ****
Except with an irritating persistence

Or are you just a sadist
Love watching my hope grow
Just to destroy it
Does this make you happy?

You call me a drama queen
When I try to run
You say I’m making a big deal
Out of nothing

But it’s something to me because I’m not like you
I can’t turn my heart off like you can
Or maybe you never felt anything in the first place
Who knows but I want out

Out of this awful arrangement
Where you stab me in the back
And all I’m supposed to do is stand there
And act like nothing happened

You say you care about me
You’re lying
And I’m letting you
Because I want it to be the truth

But it’s not and will never be
And I try and try
But I can’t turn my feelings off
At least not completely

Stop coming back around
Stop sneaking your way back in
Stop convincing me to trust you
Stop breaking my heart

Because I can’t be around you
And no matter how many times I tell you
You just work harder to get back
And I can’t keep letting you

What am I to do?
When I can't trust

the one I might love
but I don't love

because I can't
because he doesn't
but I might

and in all I just don't know
and I just want to understand

how he feels
how I feel

how anyone can feel!
when thinking makes feeling so complicated!!!

I can't keep up
my mental capacity is failing
and all I can do is wish

wish I could talk to him

for real about reality
about what is going on
is anything going on!?

wish I could trust him

forget the past
better yet not have a past
just erase it all

wish I could understand him

he says he cares
yet how can he care
when all he does is hurt me

I don't understand
and I'm trying but nothing ever seems clear
mainly I want to know Why?
why I care so much for those who don't seem to reciprocate

or not in the way I supposedly deserve
and my rose colored glasses
that seem permanently glued on
only hinder me in the process

when I only get glimpses of reality
it's a fog I'm living in
I know you're wrong
yet I still care for you and can't stop
and it's my fatal flaw
and I'm living my own tragic romance
for I can't seem to stop
caring no matter how deep the wound cuts
I never seem to get scars
I remember them but its so hard not to give second chances
than third...fourth...fifth..sixth
and who doesn't deserve a seventh chance
it's a lucky number right
and people grow and change
and it's always a new day
and my inability to enter the realm of reality
is slowly crippling me
how much more can my heart be stabbed
by the ones who've stabbed it time and time again
and it screams in agony for me to change my ways
but I just don't know how to

The words cemented in my throat
That I want to scream at you nearly everyday
Everything I've always wanted to say

But I can’t because…
It's like trying to walk with nowhere to stand
Knowing you don't understand

You act like I’m from some other planet
That my words don’t translate through
Like everything I say isn't a concept to you

Yet your a part of it too
and I just can’t explain anymore
these wounds are growing too sore

so I try to shut up
speak less and less
because I can’t bear another word that you can’t seem to process

and you’d think I’d learn
Just act like we have no problems… as long as they only affect me
you know… all the ones you pretend not to see
 
pretend my heart isn't dying
and I don’t care
but this just isn't fair

I’m tired of pretending
And I don’t know how much longer I can. I’m not this strong
To keep standing here acting like you’re not doing anything wrong

And you act like it’s a game
And I just don’t feel I could ever win
I’m sorry but I’m done in

And I just want to speak my mind
Without your manipulative ways
Telling me I’m wrong no matter what I say

So here it is
You refused to even try to understand
And I can’t keep trying to withstand

shut up
before I shut it for you

stop acting like I'm weak
just cause I don't dress like a *****

I know your mad
you blame me for it all

well news flash your not his type
and that's not my fault

don't call me out with crap
you don't know anything about

don't act tough cause your hair is blue and your clothes are black
cause I don't care what you drink or smoke and especially not who you do

you think you can scare me
well maybe you should step back

cause I'm not your everyday good girl
I can fight and I wouldn't be here if I couldn't take a punch

I don't care about your issues
cause I've got my own that would blow yours out the water

so don't poke me with your bony little finger
cause I may just snap it off

don't act like you know everything
when you ain't even know my name

and yes my friends will fight for me
because I do the same for them

so go with your little sad self and face it
he doesn't like you

don't hate me cause he likes me
don't go around convincing people I'm crazy

because I can walk away
taking him with me

so deal, me and him are inseparable
you and him are nothing

and that's not my fault
stop pretending like it is

I met him first
we have history

we love each other in a way you don't understand
and you never will

so accept it your just passing by
so bye *****

I won't miss you
and that is your fault

I see a million faces
All going a million miles an hour
With a million things to do

I hear a million conversations
With a million different voices
And a million words to say

I see a man with a million dollar watch
Yet twenty dollars and twenty minutes later
I see he has five million more

I look up to see a million signs
Millions of flashing colors and words
With a million eyes just passing them by

I see a million I heart NYC shirts
And a million cameras pointed in every direction
All flashing five million times

New York City must be amazing
I mean not many cities can say
They’re a city of millionaires

One Prince Charming to the next
people say they're so hard to find
and yet I seem to attract them

my first worked so hard to get his crown
making sure everyone loved him... every single person
once I hindered that I was abandoned... a lost cause in his mind

he was so kind
but I didn't have his endurance
I couldn't keep up the facade of caring for so many faceless opinions

so the next was the best kept secret I believe ever kept
everyone loved him while I stayed in the shadows
I liked the shadows but after awhile you wonder how he can lie so easily

I don't believe he ever lied to me
but he couldn't see far enough into the future
his life of lies would fall and I didn't want to be caught up in the destruction

the third had the word of mouth
his words were more beautiful than any poem I could ever write
and he always had everyone's full attention

yet as the relationship went
I began to hear what his words were really saying
and they just weren't so beautiful anymore

so after 3 prince Charmings
I began to feel for the princesses
its just so hard

so if I were to pick the most realistic
it be Sleeping Beauty 100 years of sleep
because with a prince everything is draining

honestly Cinderella
I'd rather stay locked in my room
with a pumpkin and some converse

than a carriage and glass shoes
living in a fake smile
with a million eyes constantly on you

so I've decided
I want a boy who'd rather I like him
than make a million strangers like him

and I know how selfish that must be
its childish and immature
but honestly I just don't care anymore

take me or leave me
but know one thing
I'm no princess

I wanna be sure
everyone tells me I'm right
and deep down I know I am

yet I did love him
once
some time ago

and I believed he loved me too
at some point
he had to... Right?

if I ask I know what he'll say
I always did or I'll always love you
he loves those stereotypical answers

but sometimes I think back
to when we met all those years ago
its funny us so young supposedly had a love so old

or thats what I want to believe
sometimes I think thats why I stayed
because the idea of us was so romantic

I wanted it to be real
I thought if I wanted it enough
I could make it happen

our relationship only worked
if we had our own hidden reality
where we could sneak away

there we looked at the stars
and he didn't explain to me about how the stars are just explosions
he just let me see there beauty like he knows I like

he didn't press me to retain unwanted knowledge
letting me lay there happy with beautiful lights in the sky
letting me live in my innocence bliss

as we grew older
more things happened under the stars
yet not everything he wanted

that's when I started questioning
and when I realized how many secrets
we both kept

and when he was honest
the beauty of everything
shattered into pieces

once my innocence about it all was lost
and though I tried to maintain it
with it went the bliss

and I began to question everything
yet the one I wanted answered most
I never could ask

because those were the ones that would **** it all
and I realized I wasn't happy
and I left to your protest

yet I still never got an answer
but not because of fear of asking
but more because I wouldn't trust your answer

now after so long I see
all my time wasted
and your memories haunting me

this process of forgetting
its just so painstakingly slow
I just want to erase it all

I can't keep this up
I just want you to disappear
because thinking of you hurts so much

thinking of the lies
how you played me for a fool
why I couldn't see what you were becoming

and that burning question still pestering my thoughts
why does it even matter anymore
I'm done I shouldn't care

but I'd be lying to say I didn't
and your the only one who could answer
but is there any way I could trust your answer

maybe writing it down will keep it out of my nightmares
Did you ever truly care about me? or was it all just one big lie?
was I just the stupid blonde girl you thought would be easy?

I know you'd say no
but wouldn't you say no to all those other girls too. how many of us are just lies
I wanna believe I was different. but was i? really?

will I ever know
or will this always haunt me?

I'm sorry
really I am
this is all my fault

and I let you get caught up in it
and you don't understand
because I just can't explain

I liked you
I really did
but I didn't know what to do

Its never been like this
I don't know anything about you
and I thought I couldn't have you

I wish I could've just pushed away all my worries
just let them work themselves out
but things don't tend to work themselves out for me

and I got scared
and I still liked you
and it just got so confusing

so I did some stupid stuff
and said the wrong things
I let you get mad. practically chased you away

I just wish I could explain
so you didn't have to hate me
because I miss you

I miss how you made me feel
how you made me laugh like no one else has
how I wasn't thinking about anyone else when I was with you

but now that's all gone
and I can feel your eyes burn into me whenever your around
your words coming so few and only enough to get away from me

we're forced to hide in opposite corners of an empty room
because you don't want to see me
because seeing you kills me inside

and the whole time we're hiding
I want to look and see if you're still there
and all I want to do is apologize

but I don't know how
and what if you forgive me?
what if we start it all over again

and i ***** it all up again
I just can't keep hurting you
so I'm sorry... but you'll never know it

I try to let go
I'm so sure

I know what i'm doing
I need to do it

there's no other choice
and yet...

in an instant you've got me in tears
doubting everything

and you didn't even realize
you had me in the palm of your hand

but you hit to hard
and sent me spiraling away

you ruined it all
7 years gone. wasted.

are you happy now?
I'm crying

you've had your final hit
but no more!

you hit too hard
and I won't have someone who just hurts

you act like its a surprise
like I never said anything

when I always told you
could you even hear me?

I cried out for you to stop
and I cried to deaf ears

I should have run so long ago
no one wanted me to stay

but i couldn't let you go
because I thought I needed you to be happy

but you didn't make me happy
you made me feel stupid,wrong,idiotic, but never happy. Not anymore.

I begged for you to stop
we didn't need to fight

we didn't need anymore more pain
but you couldn't stop yourself

so you call me weak
and I call you pathetic

and no one is left unscarred
because you can't stop

you have to win
and you don't care who you hurt

so when your all alone
than you can always win

but will that really make you happy?
I hope it does

I know you think we're all out to get you
but I just want you to be happy

I just want you to be happy
in a way that doesn't hurt me

is that too much to ask?

I wanna scream
I wanna yell
I wanna shout

I KNOW!
I know what your doing
I've known for a long time... maybe too long

your using me
until she gets back
and shes back... but I just can't

I don't have the guts
to burn it down
your a bridge I just can't let go of

It hurts... I think it hurts you too
I mean you never say anything
just run away until I get the point

well it kills me
because I want to be more
more than just some skeleton in your closet

thats all I ever wanted
just to be something... that you can't erase
with just a delete button on your phone

it isn't that much... is it
I mean I thought we were friends
almost 3 years... I thought it meant a little bit more

or was it all just a lie
maybe... I have been tricked
maybe I was always just an object

maybe you were right
I'm just a stupid little girl
easily manipulated

No your not... not this time
so i may have fallen for a part that you've played to perfection
but so has everyone else

but having to sit there
acting oblivious
like I didn't know you'd disappear when she came along

I tried to cope
knowing you'd leave
believing I didn't care

I tried to be as cold as you
slither away
spineless and heartless

but you hurt me
because I stupidly believed maybe... this time... he means it
when inside I know you never did

do you even know how to be honest
you said over and over we could be just friends
nothing more

and each time you never gave even one apology
as you went back on your word so many times
maybe because I never ask for one

I never ask you to do anything
maybe because I know the answer
and knowledge can be a slow spreading deadly virus

but it just made it so much worse
because when it happened
it was my fault for letting it go on so long

I just believed we could be friends
but obviously I was wrong
I was never your friend

I couldn't be
because too you
I was nothing but a pretty little object

I want to have you hold me
Like you never want me to leave


Pull me in close
Until I can hear your hear beating


I just... want to be loved
By a boy


I want to feel confident
That your looking at me


That someone. anyone
is looking at me


I just want someone to dance with
When everyone is watching


Even though I step on your toes
You'll pretend like you don't feel anything

Someone who will understand
When I can't get my words out just right


Someone who will laugh
Even when I ***** up the joke


Someone who will chase me 
When I run

And maybe
Convince me to stop running


I wonder if u exist
If your just made up 


Some perfection I'm chasing
With no actual hope of ever finding


I just grasp at what I hope to be you
And always seem to come up so wrong

I know its stupid
I always do

most mistakes
it's like I already know

like I take some kind of joy out of ******* up my life
I believe they're necessary mistakes

I mean it's gonna happen sooner or later
right?

yet this may not be a ***** up
this could ruin it all

I've seen it happen
too many times

but maybe I'm different
it could all work out

but what if it doesn't
am I willing to risk it?

once you do it
there are no take backs

What is this

When its just me and you
Everything feels right

Yet when the world walks in
I ***** it all up

People ask questions
I give all the wrong answers

Nothing I do is right
And you didn't help

Things were said
Things were done

My heart shattered
I felt like everything had

But when everything was said and done
We find we still care for each other

And I just want to fall back in your arms
But are your arms still open

Nothing feels the same
You feel closed off

I think I know why
I fear you can't see

You saw me at my worst
And you don't remember anything else

Now life is taking a toll
and I think I see the end of the road

How do you do it
The pressure is killing you
I know it

It's already started
You can call it maturity
But your lying

It's killed your love
You use to love running
Now you just love blood

If you don't win
What's the point
When did that become you?

Am I too late
are you too far gone
I want to try

yet I can't help but see
the guy I love dying
and he never even stopped running

I don't regret ending it
You were a ****

I'm still so mad at you
So why doesn't the hatred erase everything else

It did for you
When I was falling

You smiled
like I was some stranger

But when you fell
I jumped up

And every instinct...
told me to help you

I held my breathe
But I still struggled not to call out

My heart bottomed out
I just felt lost

I wanted to talk to you
Say... Something... I don't know

Maybe because nothing could be said
Your still a ****

Yet it still hurts to know
she'll comfort you

And though I won't admit it
A small part of me wishes

you'd come over hug me say sorry
that you still care about me

So yes I wish we'd been a happy ending
But it just wasn't meant to be

And maybe I'm stupid
But its so hard to act like everything I ever felt just washed away

It's just so hard to hate someone
You still care about

All the things
I can't tell you

How I still wish you were the guy I hear around the corner
How I still wish you'd come and make it all okay
How I still wish you were the guy from 7 years ago

But I can't tell you that
Because your not

I still remember your smile
I still remember the sound of your voice
I still remember the feeling of your touch

But I can't tell you that
Because you don't

I still jump when you fall
I still hope your okay
I still wish I could ask

But I can't tell you that
Because you didn't jump

I miss talking to you
I miss being able to look you in the eye
I miss the way you always made me smile

But I can't tell you that
Because than you'd know

It feels good
To have someone

Who knows
What to say and when to say it

Yet when that person is pushing
He wants more and more

And I'm scared he has every key
To all my locks

And if he asked at the right time
I'm scared I'd let him in

And it might be fun
But I can't buy anymore locks

And he may be fun
But unfortunately fun doesn't mean trustable

and fun never lasts
and neither does he

time goes by so fast
when your happy

yet seems to pause
as you fall

I remember when you were nothing
but a guy in my math class

than you texted
and I replied

and ever sense
one bad decision after another

but do all bad decisions
have to be mistakes

because you don't hurt
and mistakes hurt

and I know your scared
so am I

maybe because we know secrets about each other
yet we don't trust each other

so we wonder
why we told them

and we don't know
what do we know

I know I love him
you know you love her

yet we risk it
and I don't know why

and I want to ask
but I'm too scared

because if you say something
if you feel something

I'm not sure
of my answer

I use too
but I was naive

it was in the blur
the time when she stepped in

I held my breath
as I stepped back for her

you didn't notice
and after awhile I didn't mind

and I never thought of you
as I kissed him

and he makes me happy
while you just make me smile

and overtime
I've learned smile's lie

so please don't have feelings
because losing you would hurt

don't make it hurt
we've both made mistakes

don't become one
don't become mine

a bad decision
isn't a mistake

until it hurts
please don't hurt me. Please.

smile
breathe
laugh

hear his voice
try not to look in that direction
hear him talking with friends

he's laughing, joking, having fun
wonder why he can't be like that when I'm around
wishing I was over there

try not to think of him
fail
his name finds it's way into all my thoughts

wonder if he sees me?
wonder if he likes what I'm wearing?
wonder if he knows he's why I'm wearing it?

trying to get his attention
trying to make him come over
trying to make him speak

he walks in front of me
my heart spikes
he looks at me

I freeze
I'm a deer and his eyes are my headlights
intensely burning into me

and for a second
I truly think he's going to run me over
I look away regret shooting me like a hunter's bullet

wishing I'd spoken
wishing I'd smiled
wishing I'd done anything else

I look back
I take a deep breath
and swallow my heart

"wheres Matt?"
I ask forcing him to look
our eyes meet

his fill with fear
as if he'd rather die than speak to me
I snap in a different last name

looking away but not fast enough
still seeing relief flicker through him
I walk towards the one I named 'accidentally' knocking into him

I didn't look back
I heard his friend ask "whats with her?"
I cringe at his reply "why should I know?"

I dig my nails into my arm
I bite my lip
and fight every instinct to turn around

hoping he didn't see my anger
yet at the same time
hoping he did

wishing he'd just spoken to me
ending the act
we could be normal friends

no more complications
no more secrecy
no more excuses

I text him everyday asking if we can ever be normal friends
he replies we already are
I send a smiley face

In the end it's simple
he's a liar
and I'm a fool

it's not suppose to be like this
it's too soon
it's too easy
it can't be real
and yet... it somehow is

it's a fairy tale
but i can't trust it
and I'm ******* it up

we met as children
how was I to know
you were just a cute guy across the table
but you saw me when I wasn't much to see
perfect first love

than camp ended
and I saw the reality of it
and made a decision to stay your friend

we grew up
yet not apart
and everyday it got harder
until finally we admitted
we were still in love with our first loves

yet I held back
how could I move forward
when there was so much to lose

I love you
you love me
but it was too perfect
how could I trust prince charming
when I don't feel like a princess

and every step of the way
I've ******* up
and you've looked past it

prince charming?
7 years
I still can't trust it
and for some reason
you still love me

you walk in
and its like the sun shines brighter
my heart races too fast
but it beats into a knife
because the more you make me happy
the worse the pain when I remember
how far I'll always be from your touch
do you know how hard it is
to love you
to know it may never be the right time
that you love me
that I love you
and our only enemy is fear
of losing what we can't live without
so what can I do?
when I can't risk losing him
but I can't stand not having him

I need to be honest
All this pain
It's not their fault
Not anymore
Cause everyday
I choose
I Choose to torture myself

When I listen to love songs
The sweet ones
I let myself think about him
The one who was weak
The one who ran
When I needed him
The one I still love

I listen to broken heart songs
The angry ones
I let myself think about him  
The one who abused my naivity
The one who claimed to care
Yet not enough to save my life
Who I can't leave behind

I let myself do this
I dare to keep going
There's a new guy
I know one day it'll hurt
But I can only think
Now. it doesn't
I'm so stupid

You see me
I know you do
you act like you can see through me
Yet I know you can't
I wish I knew why you act like this
Will you ever tell me why
Is it my fault?
Do I make it hard?
Could I make it be simple?
I try to understand
but I just can't seem too
I want to be your friend
You want to be mine
Or atleast thats what you say
Yet you go mute
when I walk into a room
Like your words are too good for my ears
Yet I don't think that's it
It could be
But for a second
When I see your eyes
Fear flickers through
you may deny but I know what I see
and I see it only too often
I wonder who else notices
Who knows to look for it
Maybe just me
But trust me its there
Maybe its the same when you see me
Is it?
Do we fear each other?
Can anyone tell?
Will it always be secret?
It began wrong
But its not that way anymore
Atleast that's what you promised
So why can't they know
Or maybe its just easier to dissapear that way
Though if you just want to dissapear again
Just do it
You know waiting just hurts me
And I'm tired of hurting
So I hope you don't run
But I hope you will help me
to Understand
If your not ashamed of me
Why am I a secret?

I'm not blind
I see what your doing
I always have
Do you know how much it hurts me?
No... you wouldn't
It's not like you ask
Though to ask you'd have to care I'm hurt
How my heart tears up inside with every word
How it hurts so much inside
Sometimes I have to make it hurt outside
But you don't care
And that hurts most of all
So yes I know what your doing
Ur keeping me happy
But you'll disappear next year
How can I blame you
It's not your fault your leaving
That was always your escape right?
you thought I didn't see
you honestly thought I was still so naive
you thought if you could keep me under your thumb
your ***** little secrets would be kept
Because that's what you care about
But your thumb is crushing me
Soon what will be left of me
Nothing.
But I'm not something you care about
So I don't matter
Who would really care if you crushed me?
So does it hurt at all to know
I figured out your little plan
And I pretended not to hoping I was wrong
Hoping I could change your mind
I could be worth your care
But I know it'll never happen
But I'll be never know why
And that's what hurts the most
Knowing I can care about someone
Who is just using me
And I know it but I can't stop
I should tell your secret
I should make you suffer the consequences of your own actions
Finally show you how much wrong you do
Yet I look at you
And I just can't hurt you

This mask
At one time
Was my identity

It had friends
It had secrets
It had power

Some liked it
Some cared for it
But none loved it

Some wanted it
Some believed it
Few had seen past it

So this mask...
Could've been happy
Except masks don't feel

but I did
I felt fake
but I let the mask win

yet the mask
Was just a mask
So why did it have such power

I didn't like it
I wanted to be real
but I was so scared

what if it hurts
what if they reject me
what if i'm alone

so i live behind a mask
hating every moment
wishing to be saved

yet they couldn't save me
because they didn't know me
finally I realized

I was my own worst enemy
so I removed the mask
and for the first time

I lived

even if you don't care
even if you never did
just talk to me
no excuse
no new starts
no one last times
just let it end
let me go
like we should have a long time ago

is he worth it?
I barely know him
and yet...

no what am I thinking

my hearts just too damaged
it's been ripped out
torn apart and crushed

and by the same guys

so many times
and they're still too much part of my life
I can't just walk away

I tried so hard

I built an artillery around my heart
yet somehow
he still poked his head in

maybe I'm just a fool

but he seems so nice
sweet in a goofy way and so safe
he feels different from the others

and yet... so similar

they weren't always monsters
they seemed sweet
safe...

I was such a fool!

I believed they were kind
I believed I could trust them
I believed they liked me too

I gave them my heart

and watched as they destroyed it
they made me feel so helpless
convincing me it was love

and how can you fight love?

I know now it wasn't love
but what if he does the same
could my heart take it?

maybe he'll be different

but should i risk it
after everything
my heart is so fragile

I just want to believe I'm still strong

prove I can have a good guy
to myself
to those who hurt me

yet I have to wonder

maybe I'm just to hopeless
I should just do away with my useless heart
save myself the pain

is love worth it?

stop smiling
stop laughing
stop talking
stop being yourself
because its not fair
they get you

and i get a death stare
because of what?
what did i do?
why are you so cold?
why do you go mute
when i walk up

you say you'll try
I should've known better
nothing i say matters
everything i say angers you
and me I just can't keep talking
to someone who won't listen

you make me insane
i don't get it
i can't explain it
but i hate it
how you can't look at me
how you won't talk to me
how just seeing you makes me mad
i try talking but it makes no sense
and i just wanna make it all go away
i wanna run and never stop
maybe if i get far enough away
your face will fade into the blur of my past
than i can look to my future
but i never make it
i'm almost there
and... i just can't fight it
so i turn just one last look
and i see you
and i miss it
all the nice conversations
how you made me laugh
how you treated me
like... a girl
like i was pretty
like i was worth something
and i can't keep running
but i won't turn back
and i have no where to go
i wish someone would save me
but i'm getting more lost every second
soon i'm not sure anyone will be able to find me

Maybe its too crazy, for this to work
Maybe we're just grasping at straws
Maybe I should have given in long ago
Maybe I should walk away

Finally listen to my brain
It's always been the obvious answer
but when I try
my feet feel cemented down

This repetition is horrible
but it seems to be never ending
and yet... when I had the chance
I couldn't end it

Did you know?
I have love
I have freedom
I have it all... Or so I thought

Than came you
I'm not even sure what this is
this feeling for you
is there a word

It's not love
yet its so much more than some teen crush
and yet so much less
now filled with curiosity

Maybe Its something new entirely
maybe its just my need to rebel
maybe the hot intimacy of the secrecy
yet I find myself unable to let it go

you say we can go back to being friends
you know your lying
Yet sometimes I wish
we stayed just friends

I know it be totally different
yet maybe when we talk
I wouldn't always be in fear
of your next attempt to end it

I miss it
when you trusted me
and I trusted you
and neither felt guilty about it

but there's no going back
and there's absolutely no going forward
there's just here and now
you and me

don't act like your sorry
like you don't know what your doing
like I have the same amount of blame
and yet I do
I kept letting you talk
your words like a spell
the longer I listen
the less I can focus
and it's like a lure
and before I know it
I'm trapped
you give me that innocent look
like you didn't know
like its a coincidence we don't talk until late
and you know when I'm getting tired
when I'm paying attention less
I try to concentrate
but I find I'm losing my way
longer and longer
the more I don't want to say no
the more I con't keep it up
like if just for a second I could trust you
let you in
No! I have to catch myself
your the predator
luring in your prey
but soon
I won't stop
I'll walk to close to the edge
and it'll look so easy
you look so sweet
I just want to let go
and you know all my short cuts
how long can I hold out
when you always know
what to say
when to say it
how to say it
and all I know is it'd be so easy
and this is so hard
and maybe you have changed...

this feeling
overwhelming me
like a compulsion
it's so very random
sometimes a moment
sometimes for hours
I wonder if it's a part of me
or controlling me
sometimes I drop everything
ignore friends texts and calls
its like no other feeling
a high I can't buy anywhere
I can't even try to control it
sometimes it leaves for weeks
just to hit me for a minute
this feeling is like no other
when my words turn into something
that's just for me and no one else
if its a new love
or my heart smeared on paper
when I was so low I saw no up
it reached out for me
and it didn't pull me up
but showed me how to pull myself up
It showed me I can feel without falling
and I feel stronger just knowing i have it
like a hidden diary
with it I can breathe again
and no one can take it from me

I can't stand it
you don't even know
how insane your making me
or do you?

how I watch you
out of the corner of my eye
waiting... hoping

not for a reunion
no don't get any ideas
I'm done with you
but I just... I need

to yell
scream
call you out

you messed up
did you know that?
YOU ******* up

but you don't talk to me
you avoid looking in my direction
like you can't stand the guilt
your too ashamed of me

I just want you to try..
something
anything

I just can't stand it
You messed up! Not me
but don't I get something
while you got everything

you never even said sorry
and I just want to know you feel bad
that you have a conscience

just once could you
please
just say sorry

sorry I was a ****
sorry I hurt you
sorry I ignored you
sorry I was wrong

I have feelings
this didn't just affect you
is it that hard to remember

I just wanna know you felt something
anything
that I meant something to you

I don't want you anymore
I can't do that again
but I wanna know you have a heart
because you broke mine

so yes I do watch you from the corner of my eye
hoping you'll say something
anything

I walk aimlessly around
waiting serching for someone whos not there

I feel alone in a crowd
none of these people are her

Shes suppose to be here
shes suppose to be smiling laughing and telling me stories

she was my best friend
now I walk half gone

I'm like a balloon
tied to her my rock keeping me grounded

than out of nowhere I'm cut
I have no anchor

lost only a needle away from falling apart
I lost my rock

she held me together
she kept me safe

and I will never see her again
and all I know is

Its not suppose to be this way