I feel the wind against my face
sweat dripping from my chin
hearing every twig snap around me

legs aching with every step
but I can't stop
just push a bit further

the next tree
than the next
they all start blurring

I know it hurts
but I can't stop now
I know stopping I'll just drop

I can't
not now
just keep moving

than I hear it
the voice that haunts my nightmares
it sounds nice but I know the truth

I just can't
not today
not any day

I start sprinting and I can't stop
like my legs have minds of their own
nothing matters any more

I just have to get away
away from him
I want to cry

though I don't know why
and some little part of me
wants to go back

I just want to cause him pain
I ran until my legs fell out from out under me
and hit the ground hard

I just buried my face into my hands
and try to breathe
and force myself to stagger up

than I got up and started again
to the ends of the world I will run
to keep you away from me

because when I see you
I just want to scream
my heart speeds up while breaking

I can't breathe
I can't think
I just can't do it anymore

so I may not be able to hide
but I'll always be able to run
and run I will

I'm so tired of you
acting like nothing happened
cause I just can't do that

you say we can be friends
like I should celebrate
like I can be happy again

well it doesn't work like that
you insulted me in every way
and I let you, but not anymore

I've learned to stand alone
I worked so hard
and you...

you walking around
with your hair grown out
like I always wanted

you giving me your evilly adorable smirk
knowing you make my heart skip
like I use to love

you cheering me on
like a friend
which I use to wish for on every star

but now I just want you gone
because I got run over following you
and I only make that mistake once

so listen for once
you don't get to decide
not any more

I'm stronger
push me
I'll push back

so stop the act
don't try to pretend like your a good guy
and we can be friends

Just because they don't know
doesn't mean it didn't happen
you made this mistake and it's permanent

because I won't forget
I can't forgive
it's just too much

so you can say what you want
but don't pretend your my friend
because you never even said I'm sorry

and NO
your texts don't count
they never did

so stop talking cause all I hear is crap
excuses piling on top of each other
not one word being an apology

so when you really care
look me in the eye and just say
I'm sorry

until than
when you see me
just walk away

your eyes drain me
and I know your smile is forced
that's how I can tell
you don't understand
I still love you
but I just can't forget
the mean things they say
not a word in my defense
you don't even flinch
maybe if you let them
than you won't be brought down with me
it works but at a price
many people you may never see again
probably won't remember you badly
if at all
but a girl you love
that stood by you for years
will never trust you again
I hope its worth it
I really do
but the way you don't even react to their evil words
that you know couldn't be less true
and you stay quiet in your own self- preservation
now I see your true self
I still love you
but not the same way I did
I need someone stronger
I hope one day you'll see
but I'm sorry it wasn't in time to save
you and me

you see me
my eyes dart away
my heart races
fear? panic? hatred? sorrow? regret?
I'm not sure
you knew me entirely
yet your heart was caged
you'll tell me she got in
yet if she did why isn't she enough?
why can't you be around me?
you blame it all on me
like I'll force your hand
when I can't even move my own
you say I made the first move
I'd laugh bacause your game is solitaire
and I was just another card
you threw me around
losing pieces in the process
your eyes cold as ice
you look away
I wonder if you hear
my heart shattering as you do

they throw me in the arena
they want to watch
always cheering for my opponent
they say I like it
like its fun for me
to be booed at
backed into a corner
insulted for speaking at all
I just want to run
but there is no escape
this game is killing me
but they seem to love it
watching me suffer
How can they not see?
that knowing they won't listen
makes every word like a knife stabbing my throat
every word hurts worse than the last
until I just can't keep fighting

I'm living in a def world
and all I want is to be heard

I'm crazy
he's amazing
yet I don't love him
I can't

he looks at me with pure love
yet I'm blind to him

he says the sweetest things
yet I hear nothing

he holds me when I need to be held
yet I feel nothing

Why?
Why can I fall so easily for the other?

the one who can't look me in the eye
I looked past it

the one who only spoke to me in secret
I hear every word

the one who leaves me in the cold
I feel every second

am I insane
messed up mentally
somehow I love what I should hate
and run from what I should love

why can't I love the boy who loves me?
why can I love the boy who is filled with nothing but hatred?

nothing you do is right
not for me
maybe I'm picky
maybe I'm just not ready

it's too soon
and you will never understand
you will never know them
and everyone who did is leaving

I just can't handle it
you don't know me
you don't know what I've been through
why should I let you in

when I still cry at the names
and you don't know their names
too much new
and now you

I can't take it
I've lost too much
and I'm not ready for more people
who don't understand what I've been through

I was crying
when I called
you didn't ask
you knew what to do
wait until I'm too tired
to think straight
but you didn't ask
why I called you up
why I relapsed
because you didn't think
do you ever
you didn't care
If I was okay
as long as I still look good
except you know my secrets
you know there's more than a pretty face
you've known my pain, tears, depressions
my last resort
when I can't take the pain
but my blood stained sleeves
are my problem
right?
no complications
like caring

your job is to protect yourself
and you do it well
too well

I can act like I'm fine
it's so easy
throw around meaningless words
just say what they want to hear

than I see you
my heart tightens
I can't breathe
I want to run

you stand there
I can't even hold your gaze
so I look around you
anything to focus on

because if our eyes meet
you'll see through me
how your name is permanently stuck in my head
and I torture myself trying to get it out

my hands grasp air
as if searching
for something
anything to hold me up

I can't stop scanning your friends
their faces looking for a grin a snicker
did you tell them
did you sit around joking about me?

Do they all know?
have you convinced them I'm stalking you
told them my secrets
laugh at how I trusted you

I'm still smiling
my mask holds up
refusing to crack
though inside I'm crushed

I won't let you win
I'll always stand strong
even if its all a lie
I'll always smile

I can't let you win
you can't have that satisfaction
if I have hold on to it
into my coffin

As you look away
and I can breathe again
As you walk away
and I can move again

and once again
my world is mine

When I say "I'm fine"
When I'm crying
Am I lying?

What does fine mean?
Really and truly
What do you mean when you say it?

When I say it
I'm upset, depressed, and crying
I'm hurt, bruised, and bleeding

So maybe that's my fine
If you think it means something else
Is it my fault

If you have to ask
You know I'm not
But your happy to believe my lies

So walk away
Believing you helped
Because you don't want me on your conscious

Hope you can sleep at night
Believing you tried
Who's lying now?

People wish they could do this
Be invisible
But people don't understand
I'm not invisible
I'm see through

People ignore me
Insult me
Like I'm not even there
Am I?
Does it ever matter?

I'm not worth it
So hurt me
Stab me
Make me cry
Who cares?

I'm just background
Put here as filler
Not worth anything
Just here to stand by
Watch the masses

I have no magic power
I just don't matter

The tears poor down my cheeks
Like waterfalls from soft white cliffs
I start to wonder how It came to this
I was just trying to end the fighting

I started out just taking the blame
They knew it wasn't my fault
Because she was there to hold me back
Now I'm lost

My friends don't want to hurt me
But they can't seem to stop
Not understanding the pressure building up behind my eyes
With their words like daggers stabbing into my sides

I try so hard to just take the pain
As they stab me
I should just smile as the blood starts pouring out
I deserve it

I have to act like I'm okay
shes not here to stop me
and I just can't stop myself
I just want to help

Then their words sink in
They can't all be wrong
What if it is my fault?
What if everything is?

Then why fight it?
You know how it ends
Your always guilty
Just stop fighting it

Maybe I am just wrong
I must have some defect in my personality
Maybe its always been this way
I just had to lose her to see it

And now I know, I'm the defect
And  I'm breaking down
I try to run
But there's nowhere to go

I start to collapse
Tears streaming
Throat hurting
Voice cracking

My legs start to crumble
As I fall I know its my fault
It always is
I deserve it

I search through the tears
Rolling down my bruised cheeks
Blood stained knives sticking out of me
As I lay there in the darkness

All I can choke out
As the blood starts pooling
World turning black
"I'm sorry"

"Its not fair" I scream in vain
"Whoever said life was fair?" is always the reply
But this isn't just unfair its cruel
Doesn't anyone care?

Why'd they have to go like that
In the dark
Too young
And all alone

No one there
To see her last breathe
Hear his scream
Like a horrible dream

They were so young
They did nothing wrong
Yet they died all the same
Taken almost as fast as they came

I love you
right?
of course

you love me
you tell me all the time
how amazing I am

and I love you
with my whole heart
well... most of it

your everything a girl wants
my friends all say go for it
why don't I?

I love you
its obvious
isn't it?

sometimes...
very few
like never

I think maybe...
I'm your fairy tale
perfect ending that is always an option

you think I'm perfect
but what if I don't live up to the hype?
what if all we are is hype?

whats wrong with me?
your perfect right?
you think I'm amazing

yet when your biggest problems are so trivial
I wonder
maybe your too innocent

I've matured beyond my years
and maybe I'm just starting to see
past the disguise of perfection

Maybe you are pefect
but I'm starting to realize
I may not want perfection

I don't want to hurt you
but the lies are starting to hurt
my voice feeling faker with each I love you

I hope you understand
I think your a great dream
but I need reality

You lit a match
You let it burn
You watched

You saw me
You thought I'd run when I saw
But thats not who I am

For I know fires
They consume all
Just burning until theres nothing left

I saw it was wrong
Foolishly believing I could stop it
Instead I burned

I felt the pain
every flame burning my skin
ash filling my lungs

I'm not an idiot
I knew it was wrong
I tried to help

But you couldn't let me
You couldn't trust me
Not now I'd tell everyone

You knew you had hurt me
You thought I was petty like you
So you acted like you didn't see

You ignored me as I burned
In the fire you started
Than convinced yourself it was my fault

This must be my fault
For you lit the match
But I believed I could stop the fire

Than when the fire burned out
I did the impossible
I came back

I was covered in scars
That only you could see
You trued to looked away

I could still see the fear in your eyes
She'll tell everyone is all you could think
Though in reality

As you feared my every word
I did something you can't even understand
I forgave you

For I know for the rest of your life
You'll be starting fires
Until your fire has consumed everything

I just wish you had let me help
But how can you trust me
Because you can't trust yourself

all I hear ever
screaming louder and louder
so I scream back
they all turn on me
I feel cornered

I can't run
nowhere to go
I cling to my one space
but they take it away
consuming it in their fighting

I try to drown it out
but it never ends
someone is always mad at someone
they don't care if it hurts me
and they know it does

I try to ask for help
but they just keep screaming
I run and hide
but nowheres safe
it never stops the yelling and threats

my only escape
is the pain
the cold metal on my skin
as I press it in
the sting as I watch the blood pour out

people say life goes on
well they're right
but sometimes
you need to pause

when your not old enough to drive
yet life forces you to look into the casket
and let the last hope die

looking into her lifeless eyes
knowing she's not looking back
her flawless face that never needed make up
painted and covered

when you look at a corpse
and see your best friends face
and you see all the years she deserved
and all the years she'd never get

when you go to church every week
yet you can't stay away
because you know he's there in the garden

the beautiful old garden that use to be so pretty
now haunted by his remains

just dust
in a box
in a wall
in a garden
when he should be playing football
smiling like a fool
head over heels in love with your best friend

when you see two mothers

one who lost one of her four children
who is forced to explain to two young sons
how they're 15 year old sister died

one who lost her only son
who lost her everything
trying to find meaning in a dark cruel world

to have to live with yourself

knowing
you saw her that day
and didn't talk to her
thinking you'd see her Monday

no I couldn't have known
no I could't have done anything
but that doesn't make me feel better

life won't pause but people should
because if you don't
you'll regret it

Did you know?
Your the monster

In my closet
Under my bed

That I see in the corner of my eye
That makes me jump at shadows

You think I'm nervous
That I still like you

Your kidding yourself
Your a monster

You devour souls
You crush spirits

You hurt me in every way
Yet you won't go away

Why?
Is it fun?

To destroy people
To see them suffer

To watch the tears
As they spill out

And know its because of you
Is it fun?

You think your amazing
But to me

Your the ten tentacled sharp toothed monster
That haunted my dreams when I was little

Except your real
And I don't wake up from this nightmare

What if life had a clicker?

What if I could pause?
Before you made me cry
And I could run away
Would I ever push play?

What if I could rewind?
Go back and never say hi
Live my life without ever even meeting you
Without the pain, tears, and hatred

What if I could fast forward?
Past your mean looks, all your hatred, every lie
Would I still feel the sting of tears like acid in my eyes?
Would I still feel the coldness of your stare?

What if I could mute you?
Would you let me breathe again
Would I be able to tell you the truth you deny?
Could I make you listen?

All people are jerks
At one time or another

We hate
We fight
We hurt
We cry

We steal
We cheat
We lose
We lie

We regret
We wish
We whine
We break

We fall
We fear
We hide
We fake

and Why?
Why do we go through all this hurt and pain

build a trust
To just throw it away
day to day

What can we say?
Maybe because

We love
We smile
We hug
We live

We heal
We try
We help
We give

We jump
We run
We dance
We spin

We forgive
We remember
We learn
We win

We are amazing creatures
We go through so much pain
Than come out smiling
Isn't it insane?

We can love someone
Say its for all our lives

Than hate them
Than miss them
We can even hit them
Though its not always advised

We can fall
For a day or more
Feeling like you'll never see the floor

We can make our lives ****
We can make our lives great

We can choose to love
We can choose to hate

We can wait and wait
We can make our own Fate

Most of all
We have to remember
If you choose to smile
When everyone wants you to cry
you choose to make it through every horrible day
yay

I'm not invisible
I walk
I breathe
I talk

Yes i gave you up
But you didn't honestly think I'd disappear

I'm not some timid little girl

Talk down to me
I'll knock you down

Look down on me
I'll show you how amazing I look

Push me
I'll push back

Try to apologize
I'll ignore you

because I don't care
because I'm done letting you walk all over me

I've picked myself up
and I'm better without you

and if you make me
I'll prove it

because I still exist

I run
the wind hitting my face
the feel of the gravel under my feet
the thrill of the chase

but what is chasing me
friends who want my time
grades that never end
choices for a future years away

its closing in on me
if I stand still I'm trapped
so I run away
as far away as I can

until the world is a blur
and I fall into the black hole

I was hooked on you
Talked to you every day

I cared about you
But you didn't even know my name

I didn't care you were like a drug
You were my addiction

I convinced myself I needed you
Thinking about you everyday

I lied to my friends
Made fake promises to be done

I ignored my friends warnings against you
I claimed I was in control

I never was though

I would do anything to keep you
Keep you coming back

And then one day I realized
I don't need you

I don't need to watch my phone
Only to be upset the text isn't from you
Or when it is to rack my brain on the perfect reply
Just to have you say lol

I don't need to see you with her
How you would bring her flowers just cause
You said you loved her
Though if you did why did you need me?

I don't need to think of ways to see you throughout the day
Just in hopes you'll see me and say hi
Just once
You never did

So call this my rehab
I'm done with you

the cuts on my arms
no one asks
because no one sees
because no one wants to see

the bruises on my legs
no one askes
because no one sees
because no one wants to see

the red stains of fallen tears on my cheeks
no one asks
because no one sees
because no one wants to see

They want to see cat scratches
They want to believe I fell
They want my lies

They want to see a fake smile
They want to hear a fake truth
They want a fake girl

I see you as you walk the halls

If you only knew
How my heart skips seeing you
Would you care?

If you only knew
How my heart drops seeing her with you
Would you care?

How you hold her
How you love her
How I wish I was her

If you knew how I felt
When everyone talks about you two
How your the best couple

I laugh to myself
For I know the truth
No one would even guess I knew you

Yet I do so very well
So intimately
Such secrets have passed my lips only to your ears

Yet I missed my chance
Did I ever really have one?
Were you ever serious?
Did you just use me cause you could?

If you only knew how the questions ramble on
Each more torturous to think about
Why does he need me when he has her?
Does he need me?
Did he ever have feelings for me?

If you only knew
I love you
would you care?

When black starts looking grayer
When white is a blur
When all smiles feel forced
When pain makes me happy

This is when love kills
When hearts fall open

The merciful will just break them
The cruel will just play with them

The merciful will see your tears
They will walk away
They will let your hate burn the love away
They will let you move on
They will let you find the one who can heal your heart

The cruel will never see your tears
They will stay
They will stab at your heart and watch it bleed
They will trap you
They will set bombs to go off on your escape

I have fought love
I have lost
I have been punished

For the one who heals my heart
Is the cruelest

He heals
Unknowingly hurting the thing he saves
Unknowingly killing my soul

Def to my cries
Def to my screams
Def to my pleading

I've fallen for the cruelest of them
and I will never be free

I saw him take my heart and did nothing
He bled me dry and I stood by and watched

Now there is nothing I can do
But sit and hope

For there is no moving on
Not any more

When you give your heart to the cruel
All you can do is watch them abuse it

When love causes so much pain
You begin to hate love

When falling in love means falling and never hitting ground?
Constantly fearing the ground
Until the anticipation is worse than the ground could ever be

When I hate myself for loving one who just hurts me?
I can't stop loving him

I  can't have others
For once you've loved someone so purely
Only they can set you free

What is there to do?
but wait for death to take you?

I'm so broken
No one can help me

so I hide
in a cage of memories
there is no key
for I don't want to escape

if I stay, maybe...
I won't feel that pain again
I won't feel so alone
I won't feel so beyond repair
I can't... not again

so I stay trapped
seeing everything through memories

people see a building
I see the last place I saw her

people see a desk
I see the place we discussed boys

people see a girl died
they feel bad for a moment
I see my best friend died
I fall apart forever

When there was nothing I could do.

I cried
tears of sorrow
tears of anger
tears of hoplessness

No one helped me
No one could

I screamed
words of denial
words of regret
words of pain

No one helped me
No one could

I cried til my tears ran out
I screamed til my voice gave out

No one helped me
No one could

What do you do when tears aren't enough?
What do you do when you scream to deaf ears?
What do you do when nothing you can do can bring her back?

When you look into her cold lifeless eyes and know shes not looking back.
What do you do than?
What can you do?

I'm a girl who fell for the boy
... who fell for you

call me the other woman
call me names

but you could never hurt me as much
as he did by loving you

as he did by letting me live in denial
that he could possibly feel something

I know he lied
I always knew
but I wanted it to be true
so I believed

you will never understand
the pain of being used
and knowing your being used
knowing you are in love with the user
and he will never feel the same

hate me, but why?
you got what I wanted
if you dump him its not because of me
its because of what HE did to me

don't try punishing me
you couldn't hurt me any worse
so instead of blaming me
try listening

your the girl with the guy
i'm the girl who'd risk everything for a second of belief he could ever be hers

so don't hate me because of what he did
I already hate me for standing by and letting him

true torture is seeing the guy you love, in love with another girl

You couldn't see my tears
So you believed I hadn't cried

You couldn't hear my words
So you believed all my lies

You couldn't feel my heart break
So you believed I was fine

I wasn't happy
So I did cry

I wasn't good enough
So I did lie

I wasn't strong enough
So I did die

I cared too much to tell you the truth
You didn't care enough to see I was lying