Waste not the precious years of life,
With which each mortal man has been endowed.
For the green leaves of youth turn brown,
And God takes back the life that He allowed.

Move like a jellyfish
The rhythm is nothing.

The dictionary of silence.

I'm a dogs toy and hes got me
ripping at the seems.

I say
its from innocent play.
That's what I like to believe.

Don't trust me.
I'm a dogs toy.
I cannot see.

Hes got my little button eyes
chewed out.

Something about today feels like change
But I know nothing ever stays the same.
I feel the past leaving me
like I'm becoming who I've wanted to be.
Feels like forgiveness for myself
for every one who ever hurt me.
Strange things are happening.
Now, I see
strange, great things
and they feel like change.

things are better
or i stopped looking.
whatever it is
its working

except the feelings are less 'feely'
dull if you ask me.

maybe just familiar with the pains
so they go unnoticed, un-noted.

chasing my tail
in circles of ongoing obligations

and im much less than satisfied.

I'm in that moment where.... I'm angry.
I'm angry because I don't feel the way i want to
and it happens just like that - I think about the needle.
I think about how everything fades away when its near me.
just that MOMENT, right before it touches me.
because after ***** too.
just that MOMENT.
and I keep thinking and thinking and thinking about it.
and I keep trying to put my mind somewhere else but it wont go.
Now I'm sifting through a drawer not even sure what I'm looking for.
In my mind I'm probably looking for non-existent drugs, or a needle.
But in reality I opened the drawer to put a stamp on my letter...
so really I can't find ****.
I can't even see.
I'm just thinking. thinking way too much.
Thinking myself into a black hole of all the possibilities.
All the ways i could go about doing this.
And all the ways i know it would ****.
And all the ways i kinda think i dont care.
its going to pass. but this is the strongest that its ever been.
The desire, i mean.
I feel scared, and ugly, and stupid, and weak.
but ****, I really don't know.
I just need to get out of myself.
of that, I'm sure.
do I ever get to forget about this feeling?
It really isn't right, how my body takes over my mind
and i lose it.
and then i lose it all.

sometimes the weight of my emotions is so hard to bare.
swerving in and out of conscious thoughts
like i exist in two worlds.
two Me's.
but neither of them know each other.

one of ME has a head full of lies.
believes all that is wrong,
sees only the bad,
and plays a victim.
that Me doesn't want to be happy.
that Me doesn't want to change.

another Me is full of hope.
accepts things for what they truly are,
finds the light in every shadow,
and plays the hero.
that Me couldn't be held down.
that Me is wild and free.

I'm confused in my head.
one side of me is ripping from the other.
my body, an empty stage
where two Me's fight for my next scene.
constantly changing
the way i think, see, and feel
and often times,
i hardly find it possible
for the both of me to meet.
to make one singular connection.
one singular understanding.
one singular idea.
one singular feeling.
for an outsider,
it may be hard to conceive
all the action going on behind my eyes.
i would imagine it'd be hard
for one of them to make
one SINGULAR connection
with one of me,
anyways.

I'm lonely.
I'm alone.
I'm selfish
and cold.
I'm wrong,
and you're right
so lets fight.
lets fight
to the death.
to MY death
to my last dying breath
I'd still love you
but it's true,
it won't do.
it won't do.
what I've done
to myself
has been done
to you too.
Now I'm lonely
and alone.
When we talk
on the phone
your so selfish
and cold,
our new love
growing old.
and I'm dying to feel
what is already dead.
was it something i said?
was it something i said?
acceptance.
defeat.
I'm alone
and I'm beat.
give it up, love
give it up
or give it all to me
please?
can't you see?
I am dying
on my knees.
I am crying
on my knees.
OK, ill give it up.
I am lying on my knees
and hoping you'll complete
ME

All the moments when every single thing was in its right place and I could feel it true, I had no doubts that I was not alone. No fear. No uncertainty. I'll never feel more alive than in my memories with you. You may not believe this, but you're the one thing I believed in. I always loved you more than I loved anything. I would defend you till the end. You are my brother and you will always be. Lately I'm not so sure about anything other than that. I desperately need some sense of belonging. I'm only convinced when I'm with you.

its bittersweet
but he's so rotten.
I just miss love.
The feeling
not the place and time.
Not HIM.
but just... the thought.
The feel.
at times
all the time..
wondering if I'll see you again
not knowing if I want to.
Just set me back
just pull me down.
into that HOLE.
Remember the one you dug?
When you ****** the whole trust thing
and ****** some one else.
It really ****** with my head
and ****** up my heart.
You keep saying how its sad..
that I cry every day

but I've come to terms with that
and it doesn't change a thing.

It's very confusing, going on like this.
Always changing. Always staying the same.
It starts to make more sense
Once you figure it out.

Ignorance is bliss
and that's why you got the blues, baby.
Takes a lot of pain;
knowing better while you lose.
We all get straight, one day,
Or we get dead.
In discontent; by old age.
By ******. By lead.
Just remember, Like I said,
It's not their ignorance you choose.
You got them gettin better blues, baby.
gettin better blues.

I used to curse the ground I walked on

I'm so glad you came

Stepped into this world alone

to leave it just the same

though it sure is nice

here with you.

Wouldn't think twice

to be here

with you.

I start to write.
I get the taste in my mouth
like I'm high again.

I forget to breathe.
I hold my breath
and feel my heart beat
in my skin.

Staring past the spaces.
My vision growing thin.

My mind
paints my face
with a grin.

Unsettling in.

When I write
feels like I'm high again.

if i should change, i guess i could
but it only hurts when you love me
would it hurt you? not to love me?
would it hurt you not to care?

i cut myself because it feels good
and it only hurts when you love me.
would it hurt you? not to love me?
would it hurt you not to care?

so used to being misunderstood
still it only hurts when you love me
would it hurt you? not to love me?
would it hurt you not to care?

i hope to die, but i knock on wood.
now it only hurts because you love me.
i'm really hurt that you still love me.
this only hurts because you care.

i hope to die
and i won't feel a thing.
Yes, it wont hurt
if you don't love me.

i am addicted to dying.
can't remember how to live.

i'd have the devil sell me back my soul
i just don't think he works that way.

by now the eyes of god are crying.
somethings got to give.

cant live.
nothing to give
and i don't pray.
no use in trying.

so used to dying.

Don't blame me
for losing the feeling
when you leave me
for such periods of time
with nothing to remember.
When you return
don't be surprised
my walls have  raised
and I don't act
like it wasn't hard...
wondering where you'd
gone
what I'd
done
or if I'd see you again.
If not,
would I forget it all
like a bad dream?
Or like a roller coaster
that empties your stomach?
All shaken up
and empty
so when its over
you remember it forever.

I'm half way from the ledge i jumped off
and half way from the shore.
Wading water in the middle,
back and forth. back and forth.
a little less close, a little more.
I'm in the middle of having no idea what I'm doing
and being so sure.
clinging to something I don't understand
because it feels so wrong, but it feels so pure.
Its a lonely place out in the water
when your drowning
and getting tired.
It grows too hard to stay afloat
without the strength that is required.
Now I'm inching toward the ocean floor
with nothing left to be desired
and I realize ... I was done for from the jump.

We all take pain
In its purest form
Straight to the vein
Tattered and worn
We are reborn

They say Saints are only sinners
Who kept on trying
But we're all dying
Trying to lick the sore

There is no good
No bad
There is No right
no wrong
We are what we are
Don't judge where we belong.

it is what it is.
And We all bleed.
Sounds like Equanimity
To me.

Bad Sister.
Bad Daughter.
Bad Lover. Bad Friend.
Bad Student. Bad Teacher.
Through and through.
Till the end.
I want to tell every one
I thought I was fooling
I'm sorry
for making you see me this way,
and for thinking it doesn't **** you to stay
just as much as it kills me to say
That I am
a bad Sister.
Bad Daughter.
Bad Lover. Bad Friend.
Bad Student. Bad Teacher.
Through and through.
Till the end.
But, I'm sorry.

all my life wasted
and I stay - and I stay there
they say I should pace it
but i don't - no I don't care
I can't take a step down
been at the bottom for so long
guess I must have missed how -
when and where I went so wrong.

I've been so wrong, for so long
at the bottom i stayed there.

I've got all this knowledge
but it really means nothing
I'm jumping off into the middle something
I guess what I'm finding is it's about forgiveness.
find that solution and we begin to live this.

I've been so wrong, for so long
at the bottom and i stayed there.

Read me with your eyes
Dictionary of silence
Pry me open past my lies
Past my anger and violence

A tiny girl who wants to cry
And watch the world pass by
Steady waiting for the ****
Like I was born with a license

To **** my self
Watching my dignity fall down
From its shelf
Up In my mind
Too busy chasing vanity,***, and wealth.

"The next feel good
Will be REAL good"
I kept telling myself.
But I was creepin to the deep end
Seeking death with a stealth.

Life is just a series of rooms
You spend time in
full of all the people
You shot grams or
smoked a dime with.
Full of all the people
You laid next to
to rest your head.
Full of all the people
Who would end up dead.
Life is just a series of questions
You gotta answer to.
Like how did God decide
On All the people
He gave cancer to?
Why some things you never had
Will be the best you'll never have?
Why all the good things in life
Gotta Hurt so bad?
Rooms full of questions in my head.

Going on gut alone
I bet you'd think
that you might keep me
just where you want me

but the gaps you left
blank in my mind
surely didn't go unnoticed
and clearly you didn't know this.

We're in a play
and I'm the poet
or the puppet
who didn't know it

and your the boy
who hung me by my strings
who tried to make a puppet dance
among other things,
the way fools do.

I am addicted to dying.
for I've forgotten how to live.

I'd have the devil sell me back my soul
I just don't think he works that way.

By now the eyes of god are crying,
and i'm settling in to stay.
somethings got to give.
I feel I'm giving up
on me.

i cant live.
i cant forgive.
and i don't pray.
no use in trying

now

that I'm so used to dying,
Still I'm crying out for something to believe

in

something barely thick enough
to dissolve away my sin

off of my sleeves.
I wear it on display
in hopes you'll stop me on my way
down.
before the leaves
of my clandestine life turn grey:
from green
yellow to brown.

and I should pray
but no use in trying
now

that i'm so used to dying.
All i have now is a daily reprieve.

Where are you now?
When i sleep with the lights on every night.
When i cant close my eyes, so i stare
into anywhere, everywhere
that seems dark.

Where are you lying?
When i lay in the arms of another man.
When it feels so wrong, yet here I am.
You're no where, but every where
that seems dark.

Where is your love?
When I'm lost with a needle inside my vein.
That's so insane. I go insane. I'm so insane.
that seems dark.

Here i am
so in love with how you'll never understand,
never hold my hand
and its my fault because I never had a plan.
Just kept this love
close to my heart
despite the fact we've grown apart.
that seems dark.
that seems dark.
that seems dark.

Where is your head?
When you're realizing that I'm so dedicated.
When you're saying you care to be there & you swear.
Don't you dare. Don't you ******* dare....
that seems dark.

Where do we stand?
When time away is passing by slower than ever.
When the end of 15 years in prison starts to feel like never.
& nothing's fair - till we get there.
that seems dark.

Where does it end?
When love is drowning me so deep under my pain.
That's so insane. I go insane. I'm so insane.
that seems dark.

here i am
so i love with you you'll never understand.
never hold my hand.
and its my fault because I never had a plan.
just kept this love
close to my heart
despite the fact we've grown apart.
that seems dark.
its so dark.
so dark.

Truth is,
the truth is
always the right answer.

*******.
All. Every one.
I don't care.
Wish I could just be in my own mind
and not theirs.
Trying to figure with what they think
and how i fit with it.
It's a bunch of *******.
What matters to me is who I am to myself:
without anything, or anyone else.
I'll stick to this state.