I'm always telling who I am
about who I was
and to be her again.

She was happy
on the inside.
The sickness in her mind
was even deeper.

Wasn't real yet, till I fed it.
now, too late to change
- it tells me so.
It tells me I'm a keeper

here in my sickness
and I wonder still
oh, why can't I be her again?

I am consistently questioning everything that is me.
I find my self back at square one
more often than not.
so small.
so hopeless.
wandering aimlessly
up, then down, then up again.
what am I missing?
I have to shake this insanity
and stay in the very moment
where i reveal my faith.

I'll never have you by hello.
I'll never sweep you off your feet.
Just sip me slowly
like a late night glass of wine.


because this potions got me thinking
we could be made for this.

Truth is

you make me wanna be honest.

Haven't felt that in the longest

time.

i lie when i don't need to.
i steal when i don't have to.
i'm always thinking when i shouldn't.
i eat
drink
sleep
smoke
****
when i dont want to.
its just me feeling like i have to
fill this void because i need to.
but i shouldnt.

i'll eat till i throw up and then admit i still want more.
i'll drink so much i won't get up for days.
i'll sleep all night or not at all.
i'll smoke, snort, shoot all i can take till i go dumb.
psychotic.
numb.

i'll do it
over and over
and YES!
ill do it, all the time.
and every time
that i don't want to
i'm just so certain that i have to
fill this void
splitting me open
till i die.

Changing molds
so i can force myself
through a you shaped hole.
I cut myself Down
to the image that I think you see in me.
In the mirror I can't see myself,
Much less imagine actually being me.

Who am I?
Well, This is it.
I'm a mess and a misfit.
the one who's got it figured out
but really doesn't know ****.
I'm the people pleaser
who never gets what she desires
and then wonders why the emptiness continues to transpire.
I like to deny the fact that I'm a liar.
I like to create
comfortable places in my head
where feelings can go unfelt
and things can be left unsaid.

Just a million little pieces.
My faces.
switched off and on in different places. Different phases.
A million little pieces of you
and every one I knew.
Now I can't find who I am.
Just what I was in my memories.
I can't decide who i was
ever even trying please.

At ease.
I pray for God
to break me down to my core.
To give me strength to stand up
For the things I love and adore.
To never hide behind lies,
sit back and slip
Right through your fingertips.
To be true to my soul
and really start to exist.

I discover something lovely
and rush to try and make it a part of me,
claiming suddenly I'm lovely as I could be -
if only I could make it my own.
I'll take it, and I'll break it, and I'll make it
into one of the songs I sing
'bout just how lovely it all would be -
if only I wasn't alone.

I wish to be something I see,
So I take it all and make it all
the song I sing.
Until I'm free to be me,
I'll fake it in the songs that I sing.

Oh, way back when
all the things that could've been
were all the things I couldn't see
in me, in me.
waiting on the time
when I'm ready to cut ties
with all the things that shouldn't be
for me, for me.
I'll keep pretending for so long
it won't be just another song
when I'm free.
When I'm free
to be me.

So I spend a lot of time reading books.
Lovely books about better days.
'bout how to live in these 'better ways' -
If only i could make them my own.
So I take 'em, and I brake 'em, and I make 'em
into one of these songs I sing
'bout how much better my life would be
if only, when I'm finally grown.

Repeating word for word,
regardless if I'm feeling fine
I take it all and fake it for a price.

Line after line,
not every song I sing is mine
but I can't help but think -
Oh, wouldn't it be nice?

I wish to be something i see
so I take it all and make it all
that song that I sing.
Until I'm free to be me
I'll fake it in the songs that I sing.

It won't be just another song
when I'm finally free
to be me.

I am what I am.

... But You ...

are everything.