"I want to travel,"
She said , perhaps a little tipsy, under the weather
and cold

Yes, I'd love to travel too. Climb the mountains,
swim the seas, just like you'd do

"Promise me you'll always have my back.
I have yours,"
she said, sitting on the bench
eating lunch while I saw and stared
at the grey sky

I'll always have your back

"The cold weather always makes me depressed,"
she said, caring for her mother, thinking about
her brother, lying on her bed

The Winter isolates all of us
(but perhaps the four seasons traps me
all the time.

"I can't believe it's almost over,"
she said, in dress, sitting atop
the bar, on top of the world
couldn't tell if she was happy,
or if she was sad,
but it was spring, and spring was
Good

Don't worry

There is no cause for alarm,
there is no cause for alarm
there is no cause
no cause

"I think I love him,"
she said, head on his shoulder
my face in my pillow
glass shatters,

I always had your back

There is no cause for alarm
no cause for thoughtless thoughts
I can't stand here longer
than I had before

"How are you?"
She never said
lying on her bed

"I want a car crash,"
I thought, for the millionth time

"I hope you're happy.
I'm not"

scorched snake on scorched earth,
why do my thoughts decide my worth?
time flies and time dies
when she cries tress fall
in August after
remembrances of summer days
that burned away on cold spells

bleeding roses on a thorny bush
why must she forget to push?
there's no other scream to cry
or alibi for sad men in the gutter

(she was what I wanted not,
she was what I never got)

and with some soup on a Friday night,
that I forgot, cold, waiting- -
just like me
so come and see, my empty heart
on display as the kids play in the cold playground
with snow all around them,
laughing, without thought, without a made up mind
just innocence, and I try to crack a smile
for I always hate what I never had, and never will have,
and I maybe I'll give up this time

('away,' she mocks me, 'away'
and I always go, for you, always)

the idea is so foreign to me
so unaware, so pure
so *****, so clean
under the starlight which she praised
on sunny days of nostalgia and honey
she came to me the next day to say hello
but she never said good-bye

and partially it was my fault
but partially it was her's
everyone had their beautiful intimate moments
everyone I knew
they all complained and cried
and some of them said they would even die
but who am I to judge
the closest thing I ever had was far away
and now she's even farther.

when I think about going back in time
to change so many little things
I think of the sad times
the crippling times
since they've been so abundant

and maybe the idea is so foreign to me
that it's a dream I cannot remember
that it's in a place unrecorded
not written down
a town in the middle of nowhere
somewhere I need to disappear completely
somewhere I finally need to see

a few years ago I'd breathe in the sea
and the sea would breathe in me
when I believe the time has come
I will think of her and colors
caused by oil on the pavement
explode in my head

and I dream forever, and ever

Bring your iron,
and circle 'round my neck
two ions spiral out from ***
revival in the undertow
come out and play you *******
fraud

and pause the unseen game
tell me I'm not lame and that
I will walk one day
far away from all the pain
to shoot a bullet in the clouds to
stop the rain
when crazy comes it comes in spurts
just like snapping my neck when it hurts
your body is on the pedestal
can never change or never learn
you had the old ones in your hand
to take a stand to end what's man
and tell them all or just tell one
to **** what burns in the descending sun
and all that's left is
miles of life that's left
on cracked sidewalks
in forgotten places


and if I hold your hand you'd **** me
want me dead for calling you beautiful
forget the idea of loving me
come see through all the cafes and the dinner tables
that you'd wait for mindless hours
I hope he really likes you a lot
and gives you all that he's got
since I have nothing left to give
but time that's not even precious
anymore than it was before
you left and never talked to me since
but to be fair I didn't talk to you either
because maybe I was just to broken hearted
that you of all people could just leave me here
and I was like a young child being left by his mother
at the big store where I couldn't find anything
or anyone so I sat and cried in the middle so someone
could come find me and ask if it was going to be okay
and I'd say all I ant is my mommy
well all I wanted and all I really needed was you
but I highly doubt that it's all going to go through
some small crack, some small percent, dance
around him all the time

dance around his body
when the song stops playing,
kiss him softly
just make sure to never send me
any picture or any memory
because really I don't want to care

but really I just care too much
to let this go into the endless ocean
a million miles away from my home

so
    so
       so
           so
                so

I'll always float here,
inside this garden of chemicals
for many years
to destroy myself would be blasphemy,
to remember myself would be heresy
so I settle in the middle (of nowhere)
with no words, no whispers,
the loud bang from the bell is
drowning out the non-polluted oxygen
in my lungs, in my heart
through the zone, out the zone
no way to say goodbye
breathe in, breathe out
breathe in, breathe out
breathe in, breathe out
breathe in, breathe out
breathe in, breathe out
breathe in, breathe out
breathe in

The Piano creates the rain
sadly reminding girls of boys of the strain
that is the world outside
and the cries from wolves that are muffled by the
trucks colliding with each other
at midnight

and the world is what wants to say goodbye
for I know that it is I that wishes to start all over
every day only dreaming that the world
could be screaming an scheming to send me back
to know the do's and the do not's of the standards
of the universe
and the galaxy ***** the world in the spits it back out
every time I wake up

the bed spins and I chew packs of gum within an hour
for all the power held to me is the vulnerability of my
wealth and steam
and the girls inbetween

through the insults and the rain
I have left my mark across the scale
and in vain I have fallen to the bottom
this time still chewing lots and lots of gum
to keep me occupied from the thoughts
that are slowly making my mind more gray
and it was fine for a little while
and perhaps I'm only overreacting,
that I'm underrated and someone's
angel that exploded into a star
but slowly eternity isn't looking so peaceful,
only sleep.

I said goodbye once
twice, three times
until the thought of chimes
fell down onto the porch
and in this dream I could see your yard and fields
and I only heard one car in one hour

i can take what I like to like
and come to terms with it and love it
break it up and turn it to ****
because since the lights are falling down
from the sidewalk and in the town
we walked and it was raining
and I have never ever used an umbrella
and I didn't then either since
I can't break that pattern
no not even for you

what I'd do to take the outside and break it in half
like it was a ******* pencil
smothered with a pen
and choked and swallowed
hung to dry
I could fly in that dream but only for a second or two
since I never told you my obsession with flying
or lucid dreaming

all I wanted to do is want to do it again
to try again because maybe it was
something I said or maybe it was
something I didn't say
and if I knew that it just
wouldn't matter I
would flatter
myself and walk the other way

the other way toward the
beginning and through the end
no matter what I tried to do
sports acting speech reading out loud
pounding words to the page
it all turned into ****
call it self-loathing
or what you will
I've tried harder in the past few months years weeks and hours
bowing down the the powers that be just didn't seem right to me
no not anymore
the differences are strong and the fight has been long
but I need to let go or act
then in a few years time forget these words ever existed
or me
my existence has eradicated tropes and cliches
and I just wanted to say
I love(ed) you so very very very much