Sunday morning with Buddha.

Desire is a plump fickle comely *****;
Want is but a breakfast in bed,
Need is a dump a *** n a trump
and a **** with a bodkin n thread

Billy (Bowb) joe

There ain't nothin new in hell tonight
cept the soul o' billy joe,
who killed a man in an unfair fight
so gabe sent him below,
he used a blade on an unarmed guy;
and a stand up guy to boot,
now his *** will fry he's said g'bye  
coz to hell he is en route,
now beelzebub has got an itch
so bad that it needs scratchin
he takes billy joe as his new *****
n disease he is a catchin,
bill's boiled in oil n flash fried with rice
n he’s marinade in gin,
coz beelzebub well he ain't that nice
he’s gonna Chew on liddle him,
but Billy joe’s a repentant soul
feelin mighty fine n righteous,
bill has gotta goal gonna take his toll
n  give nick gastroenteritis

alan nettleton.

Tea fer Two.

Pickle me a Dolphin; sprinkle liberally with rye,
whip us up a Butter cup on Snake n Pygmy pie.
griddle ten rare rats ****, soaked in sauce o' barbeque;
serve it all in the banquet hall; for liddle me n you.

Yesterday

We bound young wolves
with a palate of grey;
shackled a snowflake
in white,
we manacled the sun
unto the day;
tethered the moon
- to a night.

Whatchyaneed


God didn't give me a soul;
just lobbed me a baked bean tin
with something rattling inside,
said, "there ya go young un---
make do with that"-- so I did;

think it maybe a con job though,
the rattling thing must be getting soggy,
because it's stopped making noise.
Anyway I got curious; like you do,
bought myself a can opener and took a peek,

Discovered God must be a comedian
because there was a conker inside--
although beans on toast is my favourite meal,
and Conkers--------
my bestest game ever.

Biggin it up fer jesus,

When a gilded man with pearly whites
came a knockin on ma’ door
said; " hey there bro,
d'ya care to know what this
ere book is for,
well, 'taint for puttin on display
or keepin vampire teeth at bay
oh no bro no bro, not today;
come listen what the good book say."

now he sure looked pretty in his stay press suit
n Vaseline slick back hair,
with his easy style n godly guile
was biggin up his good lord’s prayer,
but fragrant molasses made up myths;
man that ain't ma thing.
I'm a sixties child whoo that's wild,
I'm a ****** up ding a ling.

I got Dylan flowin through ma veins
Martin luther in ma gut,
so I need no ancient prophet claims,
-- n god can kiss ma ****.

In the
gathering of
silence - in the
mustering of the dark;
in every comforting shadow
hollow beats a heart,

Hollow
beats a heart
in every comforting
shadow, in the mustering
of the dark,  in the gathering
of silence - hollow beats a heart.

I've basked on the beach with Beethoven
n boogied to his craazzy style,
I taught Tarantino to tango,
we sat down, chewed the fat for awhile,

I've tap danced in Bojangles shoes
sung with Leadbelly blues,
never liked Picasso though;
the ****** drank all 'o mi *****,

I Bossanova'd my way down to san José
jus to hear what Hendrix could play;,, ,
I found Einstein to be relatively kind
but Dylan really blew my mind,
Dylan really blew my mind,
Now Dylan- he ****** with my mind.

Alan nettleton.

For my Sweetness.


Are you the air-
the breeze that answers the questioning sun

are you the fire-
the flame begot of the spark.

are you the earth-
where mankind rest redundant bones

you are my waters that quench life’s
great unknowns.

Alan nettleton.

Wish I was Meccanoman with
replaceable bolt on bits;
a pop off detachable arseole;
n grease ******* on my ****,
yeah; wish I was Meccanoman
with a gearbox for a brain
n a cabriolet flip top hair do
-- as protection from the rain,
my feet could be two dustbin lids
held on by wire n rope;
maybe double up as landing skids;
- but no good on a *****.
the blood - of course;
synthetic oil;
with that I'd never get sick,
pumped 'round by the bestest
- induction coil,
powering my foot long
- hydraulic ****.

Yeah; wish I was Meccanoman.

Take it eeaasy Alex Brown;
's time to - slow down,
- time to do all the things
borne on the wings of
- wellll:
lucidity.
where reciprocity meets
on the junction of streets;
n the sign posts says-
- yeah,
ALL - you's - can - eats..
Take it eeaassyy - alex Brown.

Today my friend stopped
--- being.
there he was --
then he wasn't.
----- being that is.

alan nettleton.

Remember when bullets bounced off our chests;
when a goose steppin hoard o' mad men held no sway,
thick eyebrowed men plotted plans hunkered in bunkers,
But we could lick the likes of Adolf
-- any day


Remember when bullets bounced off our chests;
when the Ayatollah lobbed fatwas at our ****,
we could raise a middle digit - to the Eejit.
coz Rushdie was quite cusdie
-- what a farce.

Remember when bullets bounced off our chests;
Al Qaeda n the cowards planted bombs.
bin laden poked the eye of big bald eagle
was it legal; when he brought it home
-- to moms.

Remember when bullets bounced off our chests???

Cerebral woman,,,,,,,,,,, 'I'm a judge jail Mee

she's a technicoloured melodrama
fringed in pink
a loony tune character
penned in indian ink,
she's positive and poignant  
blessed with perfect poise
my snake wrangling lady-
she's one o' the boys.
she's a synaptical **** siren
and rather refined
a whoreatical kinda woman;
that ***** with my mind,
she's passionate and pendulous
immersed in deep thought
my minds mary's monster
my cerebral - consort,

alan nettleton.

Pixie dust sprung from Jimi's eyes
   as he rolled in microdot dreams,
            purple phased out blades of grass
            waved - then heaven screamed ,
                                    We watched smart pebbles line the beach
                          marching to a psychedelic Sousa band
                        we know must be playing somewhere,--
          discarded notes strewn in the sand.
               The pea stones kept amazing time
          clicking piezoelectric sound
                   counting out the midnight sun
                  as darkness shone around.
                                So who has seen the sun at midnight?
               shining darkly, shadow rays,
         playing hooky with the pixies
as the rest just stood n gazed,
                            The thief he stole our conscience our ego
                                and our self, left us singin Dylan songs
                         whose lyrics were his wealth!
                                       The joker saw the sun go down,
                                   a shimmering silhouette, whilst
                        the thief atop his watchtowe
lit a final cigarette.
                  He has seen the sun at midnight
       shining darkly,, shadow rays,
         dancing  through the dark
                                delights of a ruptured world sunset.

B Z; AN

Adolf n his nice tight ***

gonna get me a pair o' lederhosen
the kind adolf used to wear;
not the attire the missus woulda chosen
they're sorta ***** - to be fair,
but they made his ***** look massive
n they made his *** look taut
we all know the guy weren't passive
n did things he shouldn'ta ought,
I bet ya missus ****** loved him
when his **** hung out one side,
and as for bombin london,
well -- we'll let that ****** slide;
coz the guy he sure were stylish
in his liddle leather shorts,
goose steppin all the while-ish
with his gusset - and - supports,,,


alan nettleton.

“ Crow “

Whatcha stearin at ye scrawny bird
Ah’ll  draped in black en
wi  malachite  eyes,
Whitcha  Feathers in tatters
ah’ll covered  in crud
Hoppin en skippin en lookin so wise,

Whydja  squawk et  mi in that orible  way,
Whydja  caw en caw en  caw  et mi
Ahs’tha  reely  got  summat to say
Ah’stha  reely  got  summat  to  say,

GEERCHA yer self  bak up in’te  sky
En leave mi alone wi  mi beer,
If  ye  stay round ere  
yel end up  dead
yon   fox  el  av  yer i fear,
yon   fox  el  av  yer i  fear
so leave mi alone  wi  mi  beer.

Alan nettleton......... + bottle n arf o' whine...

I'm goin sideways when I perish;
want to end up, in a rock pool
in the sand.
I'll have a shiny shell,
that I can cherish,
with two claws, fer my chores;
not a hand.
sharing my abode with thirteen rag worm;
who'll confirm,
that it's sunny,
by the sea,
we can wish **** the fish a happy birthday,
n the weather,
we can also,
guarantee,
yes I’m goin sideways when I perish,
to cherish, my rock pool by the sea,
to squirm with the worm n embellish
another lifetime - as liddle lobster me.

Alan nettleton.

So lunch is on me then eh?

lips suitably pursed, pinkie raised
to the correct angle,
she sits and sips the last dregs of
life she's squeeezzed outta me-
a fitting accompaniment
to the thick slice o' succulent wallet
she's so elegantly carved out of my ***.

dripping with greenback,
for those blessed with perfect diction,
her lawyer comments on the tenderness
of my sauteed sweetbread,
"hummmm a little stringy,
but ever so nourishingly juicy".
as he pours the remnants of my self esteem on to his final bill...

alan nettleton

Dodo pie

***** the elephants -- **** em-
gimmi the ivo-ry
and ******* to the rhinos-
I need the horn fer me,
what's with this **** 'bout the
fishes, - n over fishin the sea,
slap the ******* on dishes-
coz I'm ****** ***-gry.

Alan nettleton.

Bless all the barmaids that have ever lived
who carried featherlite, n knobbly ribbed,
who listened to waffle n crap I spoke
who granted liddle me, a slap n poke,
who parted ***** whilst in drunken stooper
n gave the bird, to the party pooper,
the big ones, the small ones, the fat n thin
god bless slappers, that invited me in,
bejeezus begorra, mag da horra,
bless all barmaids, I'll **** on the morra,
******* big ***, n the ones that pass gas,
god bless the ones that I’ve yet to harass,
for whisky, for beer, god bless ya m’dear,
even big sally; fer the gonorrhea.

Alan nettleton.

All I saw was an *** - twitching;
as it sashayed through the doorway,
pert n tight n denim clad,
think the legs were rather fine too,
not too sure though,
the *** kinda jiggled in an intoxicating
hypnotic rhythmic fashion,
sorta "♫*** didi *** didi *** *** ***,♫"
it was muscular, without being overly developed,

I had a really deep desire to bite it;
chew on it a liddle !

Mi fatha

Mi fatha wer a miner,
a big owd man wer ee,
wi  an eart so bold it wer solid gold
en that wer plain te see,
al si thee yung un he wud sey
as off te pit eed trot,
mi mam ed never know if eed be
cumin bak or not.

**** denaby pit e wud gu
a dank en dusky hole,
twer not much gud fer a man like im
ee wer’nt a ****** mole!,

bak brekin werk wer hewin coyel
en freekinin dark en all,
en colliers werst neetmare
wer wen th roof ed fall,
trapt **** pits n’ha way tu dee
en that ah’m tellin thee,
tis gud advice tu stop up top
ah’l tell thee that fer free,

ah’l allus remember copper  
e cem a knocking
mi mam she fear’d werst
wen ah’la sudden
a flooda tears did berst,

n’ha th pit ed got mi fatha
ee wer’nt cumin om at all
twer th coliers werst neetmare
th roof.. ed ad.. a fall.

Alan nettleton.

translation for non yorkie's

My father was a miner
a great big man was he,
with a heart so bold
it was solid gold
and that was plain to see,
I’ll see you young one he would say
as off to the pit he’d trot,
my mother never knew
if he was coming back or not,
down denaby pit he would go
a dank and dusky hole,
it wasn’t much good for a man like him
he wasn’t a ****** mole,
back breaking work was hewing coal
and frightening dark and all,
the colliers worst nightmare
was when the roof would fall,
trapped down the pit is no way to die
and that I’m telling thee,
it’s good advice to stop up top
I’ll tell you that for free,
I’ll always remember the policeman
came a knocking,
my mother she feared the worst ,
when all of a sudden
a flood of tears did burst,
now the pit had got my father
he wasn’t coming home at all,
it was the colliers worst nightmare
the roof it had .....a fall.

Alan nettleton

*** whipped

Where the hell has he man gone;
n why can’t I **** in bed.??

All true men are incarcerated,
trapped on a clitoral plane,
where knee **** reactions
drives a man insane,

We all wear pink pyjamas
frilly knickers and a bra,
wear our hair in pig tails
shave our ****** ,,YAY HURRAA. !!

They feed us up on retinol
give us optrex for our eyes
provide the silken stockings ,,
denier thirty,,, OOH nice thighs.

So where the hell has he man gone-
I would like to **** in bed,
but guess I’ll just mow the lawn;
do the feckin dishes  - instead.

Alan nettleton.

but a breeze in the midst
of a storm at sea;
this precarious spark,
we; humanity,


Alan nettleton.

Would have been sarah,

missed it--
missed smoking the Cuban cigar;
getting ****** wetting her head,
I missed throwing up at her birth
reciting nursery rhymes
changing ****** nappies
and more much more;
I missed it,
the day she took her first step
I wasn't there,
didn't weep with pride
at the sound of her laughter
hold her hand
or walk her down the isle;

I didn't do it-- wasn't there,
-- but neither was she,,

Alan nettleton.

The joker

who has seen the sun at midnight?
shining darkly,, shadow rays,
playing hooky with the pixies
as the rest just stand n gaze,
the thief he stole our conscience our ego
and our self, left us singin Dylan songs
whose lyrics were his wealth,,,,,

the joker saw the sun go down,
a shimmering silhouette, whilst
the thief atop his watchtower
lit a final cigarette,
he has seen the sun at midnight
shining darkly,, shadow rays,
dancing  through the dark delights
of a ruptured world sun set.

The comely *****

a comely ***** o' twenty three, from yonder village banburee,
alight her sight on poor auld me, a poorly man wi' one bad knee,
she buxom be enough fer three, her legs be thick as big oak tree,
but contrary to crippled me, she sprightly be wi' two good knee.

as I took flight on that fateful night from rutting comely *****,
I felt a pain, a twist, a strain, and a gutting  Rumley Wrench!
yon knee was spent, wi’ geat lament, she's upon me in a jiffy
she made it clear, she said, “m’dear I want yer little ******”

now twenty three ‘tis not in years, but sire, tis stones in weight,
and 'er on me wi one good knee, be too dire to contemplate,
but to my surprise, she got a rise outa my little wrinkled pecker,
wi’ her big thighs and **** the size o’ a bleedin double decker!!

wanted; - Liverpudlian rock stars
to sing fer me - the queen,
I'll pay yers all in corgies -
n transfuse ya wiv - caffine,
gorra bloke called ringo -
fer the bingo - inbetween,
support act - chewbacca -
n maca - in submarine.

Alan nettleton

A slice o’ pie

ya cut me a slice 'o yer liljeeezus pie,
a religious high, - "oh my oh my,"
ya pour me jug, o' yer godly whine,
inebriation fer the disinclined,
ya sugar it, with sweet salvation
roast me 'bout my masurbation,
cream it off with liberation --
all ya needs my soul donation,
but I'll not eat yer pie - yer religious lie,
'bout some meta -- weelllll -- sss-super guy,

Alan nettleton.