I’m just trying to push
the hurt out through my veins

I’m just trying to
bleed and bruise my way out

I’m just wondering if
I can make my pain physical and valid

The first time I made a watercolor
was unclear and inconcise
a bleeding between emotions; of colors overlapping
the brush tasted blue and loved it
wanted to spread it across the page
A permanently stained brush always leaves a mark of its first color
bleeding into all others

Yes, I am still alive.
but I
no longer enjoy
the senation of
air entering
my lungs

to lay among the grass and flowers
is to speak their language

just let me suffer alone
I’ve done it before
I’ll sit all alone on the bathroom floor,
I’ll leave all the doors closed.

I don’t want to be seen,
on the fourth day of no shower
I don’t to be seen
when I can’t move or scream

I do not want you to worry
don’t bother to check in
I’ll be a mess that belongs in the bin
do keep your eyes of me, keep your eyes blurry

So leave your worry here and leave
but please do not grieve
you do all you can
but in the end it was my hand

I hoped  
that tomorrow it would be better
but it wasn’t
I still spent 2 hours crying in the bathroom,
not being able to move, breath,
or understand the silent tears on my face
I still spent hours weaving
narratives that never did happen.
I still couldn't answer what I’d do in 15 years

Hope where are you,
I thought you were a light in the dark
A flare in a vast ocean, a sign of life
instead you are nothing,
you do not sit by me when I still spend hours crying
you do not sit by me as I imagine a worse tomorrow
you are somewhere else entirely, and I am alone.

I just want to lie here
but you signal a new day
I try to shut you out
in every possible way

I pull the covers above my head
I bury my face in the bed.
I clamp my eyes closed,
yet you make me sleep in throws.

I will not wake to a new day
as hopeless as the rest
I do not want to see the sunrise
please just let it set

I do not want to wake
just to see my hands shake
just to see my soul break
I have nothing of this day to make.

Please just let me lie here
as the sun streams in
Please just let me cry here
as the sun streams in