It's strange how time can change so quickly,
Just a month ago, I was in cloud nine
and now, I m in hell divine
My playlist has switched
From love me like you do
To gloomy sunday
Time is nothing you see,
It can make you feel so much, so soon
But you don't understand
Cause you are on the otherside of the story
You are one who got the attention you never earned
And I m the one who is not getting the least I deserve
"It has only been a while. How can you feel so much?"
These are the exact words you said
Well you are right, how can I feel so much
Why do I feel so much?
Maybe, I m just like that
A girl who feels so much, so soon
And end up hurting herself so much, so soon

If life was just as easy as smoking a cigarette....

How sad is it that you are trying to find me in her!!!!
How sad is it that she is trying to embed me in her!!!!

All my life , I have been seeking validation from others.
I promise myself today, This ends here..
I am beautiful.
I am powerful.
I am enough.
I am worth everything I desire.
I am a boss *****.

Go on , tell your friends about me
Show them my pictures
Expose my secrets
Humiliate me,
Tell them you had me
Elaborate the details
Of how I looked without clothes
Of how easy it was for you
Of how desperate I was for love
But dont forget to mention your part of the story too
Of how you were a coward
Of how false your intentions were
Of how you got bored of me
Of how you lied to me
Of how you broke my broken heart

What will you do if you become the person you never wanted to be???

you don't get a closure
you just need to move on now
maybe, that's the worst part of a fling
you are never sure of what to do
yeah, the thought is killing you
was it just in your head?
did he feel it too?
did he feel it too?

"Hey, Can we talk?"
A text popped in my phone
And I was surprised, not in a good way

There are certain things in life you wish you could change
Some things you did you wish you could undo
Some things you said you wish you could unsay
Some things you felt you wish you could unfeel
You wish you had a Ctrl+Z button in your life
To change the things back to what it was

I don't know if god really exists
I m starting to lose my faith now
For so long, I have been crying for help
But it seems like he has gone deaf

Maybe this is it for me,
I have reached my breaking point,
Should I use a blade or a rope?
Maybe the jump of death?

But no I want it easy way
I don't have the guts to do it
Maybe I should ask someone else?
To do me this favor?
Free me from this hell....

I remember the weather that day
The rain had stopped but it was still gloomy
The sky was trying to make its way out of the angry clouds
But the clouds were stubborn as ever
What a perfect weather for coffee and cigarette
He had said Come over, I ll make you a good one...

We sat in the kitchen
Sipping coffee and smoking cigarettes
Laughing about stupid stuffs
Then he pulled me closer
Smelled my hair and pulled my cheeks
And asked if I liked the coffee
I just nodded and smirked
He could notice the blush in my face

Soon we were in his bedroom
Listening to my favorite playlist
He pulled the blanket and asked me if I m cold
I said nothing , just smiled
I was astonished how he could easily do that
I could feel that weird magnetism between us
Pulling us closer and closer
I wasnt sure about what was about to happen
Neither I was sure if I wanted anything to happen
All I knew was, it felt good
Good to be surrounded by the abundance of love

He looked into my eyes..
He could see that agreeable denial.
Then he smiled and kissed my forhead..
I said I was tired and wanted to sleep
He said nothing, just wrapped his arms around me and said its okay
When I woke up he was still staring at me
That deep brown eyes, looked like a honey pool
He leaned closer and kissed my lips
Then our tongues did the sweet wrestling
His hands did the flow
Unhooked my bra and caressed my body..

It didn't matter if we were right or wrong
All that mattered was that moment
The moment when our loneliness faded
Then my phone buzzed and a text popped
"I miss you love" it said...
Then, I pushed him away
Telling you ll fall in love
But then he kissed my lips and said no I wont..
But deep down I knew the truth
He wouldn't fall in love because he already was..

You ring me up first thing in the morning
Just to wish me a good day ahead..
You hurry home in the evening
Just because you want to talk to me for awhile..
You won't let me hang up my phone at night
Just because you loved my company and felt like I was there..
You text me throughout the day..
Just to check if I ate on time..
You video called me every f-king day..
Just because you wanted to see my face..
Yes, you did all the right things, said all the f-king right words, gave me all the time..
Yes , all the words were correct, your actions certainly aligned..
You even uttered those magical words, you said ," I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO BE WITH YOU"
Yes, you made plans with me.. made me dream things.. made me believe that we could work it out... assured me that we could go till the end..
Yes, YOU GOT ME F_KING ATTACHED........
And then YOU DID ME *****...
Don't tell me now, that I misunderstood...
Don't tell me now, that we miscommunicated..
I never wanted you or your dreams at the first place..
I just wanted my F king peace..
But all you did was give me CHAOS at the end..
and why??? when I asked..
You had the audacity to put all the blame on me
and make me feel guilty for things I never did..
And why?? when I asked..
You had no shame to tell me that someone else is back in your life again
and you made me question my worth when I know I am enough....
And why?? when I asked..
You said, yes I love you...but, I LOVE YOU AS A PERSON
and you made it look like it was my fault to misunderstand all along......
I just TRUSTED YOUR WORDS, I just TRUSTED YOUR ACTIONS....
And where did it leave me.... in the middle of chaos..
At the moment, I can't understand my own feelings..
I don't know what I am feeling...
Am I feeling sad? Am I feeling unworthy? Am I feeling angry? Am I feeling lost? Am I feeling lonely? or Am I feeling happy? Am I feeling free? Am I feeling light? Am I feeling at peace? Am I finally feeling myself?
---------------------------------------------------------­------------------------------
F you, A

You have never seen the darker side of the moon..
You have only seen what I have let you  see...
You think you know me?
Oh poor boy, how do I break your phantasm?
You only know what I have let you know..
The truth is overshadowed..
I have sugarcoated my personality for you..
You think I deserve only reverence and admiration
But you are unaware of the nights I spent crying of guilt...
There are some deeds I have done that I m not proud of..
And maybe I dont want you to know..
Because if you know,
Things will be different...
You take me as an untroubled girl full of compassion..
But sometimes I wanna be emotionless...
You only think you know the real me
And perhaps I want  you to keep believing this lie
Because if you know the real me
You will leave me......

I tried my best to change myself and try to fit in your world.
I tried my best to turn myself into those skinny , glittery girls you run after.
I tried my best to put on makeup, walk on high heels when all I wanted was to stay inside in my pajamas.
I talked to you all till 3 in the morning when I had to reach my work by 7 AM.
I comforted you when you felt low.
I made you feel that you mattered.
I made you feel valued.
I made you feel loved.

While in return, you just left me questioning my worth.
You ripped open my bleeding heart again .
You sprinkled salt in my unhealed wounds again.
You broke my dreams again.
You made me realize why you shouldn't expect anything from anyone again.
----------------------------------------------------------­-----------------------
I don't know what did I do to deserve this. My intentions were always pure. My feelings were always true. I m stuck with a question mark. F you, A.

5416 m, 53 amitone-50, 5023 cigarette butts, 585 days!!!!!
And now I am done!!!
I am over you!!!!

I am trying to understand this color between black and white..
This number between 0 and 1...
This conscience between right and wrong...
--------------------------------------------------------­-----------------------------
All my life, I have been in either one of the sides..
It was always either a YES or NO for me...
But at this moment, I am stuck with a MAYBE...
--------------------------------------------------------­-----------------------------
Maybe , he didn't mean what he said...
Maybe, I misunderstood him....
Maybe, I should still wait for awhile...
Maybe, he will come around....
Maybe, they are just friends...
Maybe, he really does love me...
Maybe, he is really busy....
Maybe, he wants me to call him first....
Maybe, we still have a chance..
Maybe, just the time is wrong at the moment..
Maybe, we can work things out again...
--------------------------------------------------------­------------------------------
I don't know....
Maybe...................

I dont know if I should be regretting those moments with you
At that time, it was everything I wanted...
Surely I thought it was everything you wanted too...
But it seems like our desires were not the same..
All you wanted was ****** pleasure
And all I wanted was spiritual treasure..

Of course, I am healing
Its been months since you left
But I stop my scrolls when I see your picture in my newsfeed
And wonder for awhile, why did it happen?
How did it happen?


I cant say I was possessed
Because I know it was me,
One hidden side of me...
Everything happened so quickly
Now I m just left with a question mark
Did it really happen? Did it really happen?

Then I start searching for evidences
And no, I cant find any..
I deleted them all, our pictures, our conversations, your number...
So can I say it never happened?
Can I just pretend it was all in my head?
Can I just act like everything is okay?
If I say this, will everything be okay?

Sure I can't force it
But I also can't help it
The things I feel for you
This undying feeling
Torturing my heart...
Oh I m sorry,
I dont have a heart
I had one...
You forgot to return it back
When you left....

There is a hole in my heart
You fired a bullet through it
The bullet got through
But the poison got stuck
The poison is engraved in the heart now
Making the hole grow bigger and bigger
People come in, try to fill in the hole
But now, the heart is in love with it
So it wont let go....

So, it starts when he sends you a meme to start a conversation
Wow, what a weird yet clever way of communication
The meme was funny yet not funny, difficult for interpretation
Anyways, you send an emoji to keep up with the situation...
Then , he comments on your picture showing little admiration
You comment a smiley back, maybe a little persuasion??!
He views your IG story, to your grammar, he replies some correction
Then begins " hey, you kinda cute" , a little flirtation
Well, you reply back , with a little hesitation?!?
Then begins the daily WYD , HYD exaggeration.
The talks become fun with matched perception
Sure, he did his little stalking investigation
Then you stalk him back, with mere observation
He seems decent, maybe you could take him into consideration
The chat goes on for awhile, then you get a date invitation
First you make him work for you, even though you've got rush of excitation
Finally you agree to meet him, he already made the reservation
The day of the date came, called your friends for a little motivation
Then you met him, he was just like the one in your imagination
Talked a little, laughed a little, held hands too. He took the initiation...
Returned back with a glad face, was thinking of him, then your phone buzzed with a notification
" I had a great time with you. We should meet again!" , the ditto exclamation.
Started talking everyday, met regularly, was the beginning of a beautiful creation.
His lips were soft, he smelled so good, oh what a sensation!
Vibes matched , energies matched , what a transformation!
This could be her " happily ever after" Congratulations!

So I decided to walk away today..
I decided to choose myself.
One of us had to..
I decided to respect myself..
I decided to pick up my broken pieces
And walk myself out with dignity..

It was fun while it lasted..
Maybe I over romanticized it a little
Maybe I exaggerated a little..
Maybe I got attached a little..
Maybe I was in my head a little..
But its okay...

God knows I was real
He knows my feelings were real
So maybe when we meet again somewhere at some point of life
I wont be the same, I wont be complete..
You 'll still have a broken piece of me....

How can you not care?
How can you be okay knowing that you have destroyed me?
How can you just go away?
How can you do that?
What are you?
Are you a human?
Do you have a heart?
Do you have feelings?
Did you ever feel a thing for me?
What was I to you?
Was it all a phony?
Why did you do that?
Are you never going to say sorry?
Are you even sorry?
Will I ever get the answers to these questions?

At the end of the day, we just want to be chosen , isn't it??

Well.. it happened again
Smitten by the devil's charm
I fell at his feet
Just to realize
He was a seeker , an opportunitist
Who knew how to play the cards very well
I sure was the joker in his game
I lost it again
Yeah, it happened again

People say you dont expect when you truly love....
They are all liars, you see!
You certainly start to expect at one point
Maybe just a text
Maybe just a call
Maybe just a short coffee date
Maybe just a cute holding of hands
Maybe just a peck on your cheeks
Maybe just a quick tongue wrestling
Maybe just a sweet attention
Maybe just a tiny more time
Maybe just a little love??
Not much, just a little , you see!!

Why do I keep meeting the same person in different bodies?
Why do I keep repeating the same old stories?
Why am I stuck in the same recursive loop?
Why does this keep happening to me?

I am such a good actor
I can hide my feelings so well
I can make people around me believe
Believe that I am okay
That he doesn't matter to me anymore
That I dont miss him a bit
That I have moved on
That I dont care
While  the truth is something else
My eyes are wet right now while I m writing this poem
I miss him, god so much that I cant tell
Sure, I m seeing other guys
Flirting smoothly, making them fall for me..
Telling my friends I have too many options to choose
But deep deep down, something is still alive
Those feelings, they just wont go away
No matter how hard I try to ignore them
Lie to myself , that its over
I know that I ll never be over him

I write everytime you cross my mind
I write everytime I miss you
I write everytime I cant talk to you
I write everytime I want to forget you
I write everytime I want to let go of you
I wonder if I ll ever stop writing

Your face is similar to the one in my dreams.
Could it be you?
My savior?

finally, there comes a time when you learn to let go
Let go of all the grudges
Let go of all the guilt
Let go of all the unanswered questions
Let go of all that was hurting you
Maybe he never deserved your forgiveness
Yes, he never even asked for it
But finally there comes a time when you learn to let go
Let go of him

Please, let me go now..
I have had enough
The damage is done...
After all that you have said and done..
How can you expect that I will be the same?
How can you expect that I will love you the same?
Yes , I forgave you..
But that was not for you..
I forgave you for myself..
I am done putting you on a pedestal
I am done giving you the power to hurt me again and again...
So now, just let me go....
Stop calling me
Don't text me
Stop trying to act like a nice person
You are a liar and a cheater
You are really a bad person
Don't try to put up a show again
Just f king let me go
JUST LET ME GO.......
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F you, A

You know he was a drug,
A drug that made you forget everything,
A drug that created an amazing illusion,
A drug that made you believe your world is beautiful,
A drug that certainly made you high,
High on life, high on love
A drug that gave you the most sensual ******,
An ****** that made you scream out your lungs,
A drug that made you addicted to it,
Addicted to its smell, addicted to its touch....

But certainly the effect had to wear off one day,
Now you are feeling everything,
You are realizing everything,
You are so unhappy,
Your job is so unsatisfying,
You dont have a social life,
Your family is dissapointed on you,
You are feeling it all,
Everything at once,
Now you dont know what to do,
Coz you have run out of that drug,
You stand there alone with a question mark in your mind
Was the drug killing you?
Or was it saving you?

I didnt want you..
I wanted those dreams you made me see....

Maybe your jokes aren't that funny..
But I laugh anyway..
So now you think you have got the way to my heart...
Maybe I modify the thoughts in my head..
When I tell you what I like..
So now you think you can certainly make me happy...
Maybe I dont miss you that much...
When I tell you my feelings resonate with that melody..
But now you think I think of you most of the time...

Why is moving on so hard?
A day, A week, A month
And again I go back to the start
I promise I don' t love you anymore
I promise I don't hate you anymore
I promise I don't feel a thing anymore
But again, Why is moving on so hard?

It's a year now since we parted our ways..
A lot happened in a year
Feelings changed, I changed
I cant say I feel for you the same way I did
I cant say I miss you the same way I did
It's true when they say
Moving on and getting over are different things
Certainly,
I can say I have moved on
I can say I dont want you back
But I hesitate if I have gotten over you
Its weird how we cant hate the person we once loved
How much you rant , how much you cry
The anger dies, the ego dies
But the love remains...
Yes, I cant say I still love you
But I can say I can never hate you...

Sitting in a crowded room
Listening to people talk
Listening to them laugh
I m here but I m not here
My mind wanders
My heart restless
Goes back to the time
I last met you
Teary eyes
Cracked voices
Helpless souls
Blaming fate
Soulmates departed that day
The angels were probably asleep
The almighty let that happen
Cruel world
Dancing demons
Broken hearts
Destroyed souls
And now sitting here
In a crowded room
Missing life
Missing love
Guilty being
Repenting soul....

I just wish it would stop hurting when I breathe.....

Moving on without closure
Is it possible?

I don't know if it was easy for you to move on
If it was easy for you to just replace me
I see you have managed to duplicate me
I see you doing all those that we used to to
"Sandwich and Donuts" were our thing
I see you doing that with her now
And I don't know what I should feel
How I should feel?!
She is trying to be everything she is not
What is the necessity though?
Can't you just love her for what she is?
Can't you not try to convert her into me?
You know that it is impossible
Just like us...

Go on, show that you own him
Post pictures on social media
Depicting stories of how madly you're in love
But no, he can never be yours
Because its his soul that I have held captive...
You may lure him to bed
With all the skills that you have
**** him to his heart's content
But remember, I am a memory he can't erase
I m gonna live in him forever
You think he loves you, dont you?
Oh poor girl... how naive you are
He is trying to find me in you
But I promise, he wont be able to

You have left me stuck
Stuck in a maze
I can't find my way out
I try to make this maze my home
But I get tired of it
I want to get out of it
But I have lost my way
This maze is dark
Anxieties, fear, frustrations
Guilt, regret, pain
There isn't a hint of happiness here
My heart screams from within
My soul begging to live
But I am stuck here
I wonder when will I ever get out......

You used to call me your "moon"
And you were the center of my universe
My beloved, my Sun...
But little did I knew
Your sky had more than one moon...

.
.
.
*******, B